1100 hrs April 20th 2005

Women are monkeys.

They swing from

branch to branch.

And they won't let go

until they have one hand

on another branch.

Until they do,

they will hold on,

to keep

other monkeys

away.

Which I guess

makes men

money trees

1650 hrs April 18th 2005

That smile,

it uplifts me.

Those sweet moments

of intimacy,

binds me

like some sort of abstract

intervention

from the forces of

gravity.

But everytime

I think of those

silent secrets

in the dark recesses

of your mind,

I spiral downwards

in a free fall.

Withholding the truth,

keeps me swimming

in the darkest sea,

not knowing

what lies

within.

1030 hrs April 18th 2005

I found a stack of old photos

last night.

Those that survived

the psycho Korean.

She threw away all

my photo albums.

Browsing through,

memories flood,

I could cry

no more.

Those lost years,

where are they?

Those false hopes,

what are they?

I've been searching

for a passage

to meaning,

I've been looking

for a reason

for breathing.

The youth of my life,

been drained,

by the failures

of my many years.

We looked happy

together,

we were young.

We thought

we could kick ass,

knock them down.

Time it was,

and what a time

it was,

when endless mornings

pass like a gentle breeze,

and the warm sun

caressed my skin.

But the warmth

been long gone,

sacrificed

for unpredictable

and dangerous

rainstorms.

When the love is gone,

all that's left

are haunting memories

yearning regrets,

and a stack

of old photos.

1630 hrs April 11th 2005

Back from a week in Seoul,

the land whose one daughter

I once fell in love with

and hurt me

really bad.

Guess the recent episodes

in my life

are conditioned reflexes

of unresolved pain.

Bitterness

and paranoia

from rejection,

betrayal

and abandonment.

I crave acceptance

and love.

I wanted to be really

really treasured.

Maybe I got it all wrong,

maybe happiness

should be internally generated.

maybe happiness

is just a biochemical reaction

from a flood of serantonin

maybe happiness

can be achieved

with a happy pill

maybe happiness

can be found

in some Buddhist chant.

I dunno

I fucking dunno.

0100 hrs Apr 3rd 2005

That cute little girlish voice,

how can I ever resist it?

Why am I always such a sucker

for tonal quality?

Guess I listen more

than I see.

Beginning to conclude

that Time is the greatest

expression of Love.

No amount of material gifts,

or vocal promises,

can replace

the Gift of Time.

Stop saying

You love me,

it meant jackshit

if you don't give me

your Time.

Things go ugly,

we both have to take

equal responsibility.

Between two people,

you can never trace

the fault at source.

Ultimately,

it is one wrongdoing

and one wrong saying

after another.

Negative vibes

have a tendency

to take a whole fucking life

of its own.

It builds upon its own

momentum

and cumulate into

one big shitstorm.

But if we arrest that

now,

and if

we could both live,

to my oath written,

on St Valentine's Day,

a whole lot of

problems

could have been

mitigated.

But when we assume

rather than assign

responsibility,

we at least

still stand

a fighting chance