Was at Joo Chiat
With Mr B and Mr T
They enjoy hanging out
in the company
of Vietnamese hookers.
Not that they actually
go to bed
with them.
Just some feminine
company.
Am always facinated,
how desirable
a man can become
when he wields
the power
of cash.
Prostitution is probably
the most honest form
of this stark fact.
Women generally
look for the best
provider.
They call it stability.
Hey, a security guard earning $800 a month
for life,
is stability.
A financial market trader earning $20000 a month
but gets fired tomorrow,
is not stability.
But it is a biological fact.
Females want males
that can provide
for them and
the family,
sometimes extended family,
especially in Asia.
Cavewomen in prehistoric times
want cavemen
that brings home
the meat.
Likewise, modern women.
But
if they're in it
only for the money,
what then,
is the difference,
between a wife,
mistress,
and prostitute?
20040629
20040627
2125 hrs June 27th 2004
Back from weekend
in Malacca.
Peranakan food, bak kut teh
durian chendol.
Tearing down the highway
in that trusty
little Porsche
200 kmph
300 km in 1.5 hours
non-stop
Amost forgotten
the thrill of
that adrenalin rush
sweeping aside
all others.
I love living life
very fast,
Or maybe
I just love to
dominate.
A fitting end
to an aweful week.
One client did not have
the integrity,
to honour his own
mistake.
Another client wanted
to profit
from the mistake of
another.
Likewise, where is
the integrity.
Just what
have this
financial market industry
degenerated into?
Honour and integrity
concepts from a
bygone era.
You may lose money
its alright,
its not your money
afterall.
But when you lose your
reputation,
it is your personal loss
forever,
or at least
a very long time.
At least Ms X,
sent me flowers
and my favourite lunch.
In many ways,
she is the best thing
that ever happened
to me.
Can't help
falling in love
with a girl
like that.
in Malacca.
Peranakan food, bak kut teh
durian chendol.
Tearing down the highway
in that trusty
little Porsche
200 kmph
300 km in 1.5 hours
non-stop
Amost forgotten
the thrill of
that adrenalin rush
sweeping aside
all others.
I love living life
very fast,
Or maybe
I just love to
dominate.
A fitting end
to an aweful week.
One client did not have
the integrity,
to honour his own
mistake.
Another client wanted
to profit
from the mistake of
another.
Likewise, where is
the integrity.
Just what
have this
financial market industry
degenerated into?
Honour and integrity
concepts from a
bygone era.
You may lose money
its alright,
its not your money
afterall.
But when you lose your
reputation,
it is your personal loss
forever,
or at least
a very long time.
At least Ms X,
sent me flowers
and my favourite lunch.
In many ways,
she is the best thing
that ever happened
to me.
Can't help
falling in love
with a girl
like that.
20040624
1935 hrs June 24th 2004
Today,
exactly 4 years ago
I lost my marriage.
Suddenly,
memories
that I thought
I've forgotten
came
flooding back.
The betrayal,
abandonment,
searing pain,
confusion,
fear,
bitterness,
loss of self-esteem,
shattered dreams,
pieces of a
broken life.
I shuddered
when I recalled,
the hallucinations,
voices
in my head.
Suddenly,
the sickly sweet taste
of the weed killer
returned
to my mouth.
Those anxiety attacks,
Waking up
in the middle
of the night.
Panting,
in cold sweat,
Heart pounding
at my chest.
I could still hear
the trauma.
What have I ever done
to deserve this
desertion?
Is she happier now?
Is he treating her right?
I loved her
like my life
depended on it.
Her happiness
was
my Life's goal.
Her smile
was
my Life's pleasure.
Why I could
suddenly recall
that fateful day
when my world
imploded.
Maybe
I still
love her,
because
she was once mine.
But
the pain she caused
was unbearable
exactly 4 years ago
I lost my marriage.
Suddenly,
memories
that I thought
I've forgotten
came
flooding back.
The betrayal,
abandonment,
searing pain,
confusion,
fear,
bitterness,
loss of self-esteem,
shattered dreams,
pieces of a
broken life.
I shuddered
when I recalled,
the hallucinations,
voices
in my head.
Suddenly,
the sickly sweet taste
of the weed killer
returned
to my mouth.
Those anxiety attacks,
Waking up
in the middle
of the night.
Panting,
in cold sweat,
Heart pounding
at my chest.
I could still hear
the trauma.
What have I ever done
to deserve this
desertion?
Is she happier now?
Is he treating her right?
I loved her
like my life
depended on it.
Her happiness
was
my Life's goal.
Her smile
was
my Life's pleasure.
Why I could
suddenly recall
that fateful day
when my world
imploded.
Maybe
I still
love her,
because
she was once mine.
But
the pain she caused
was unbearable
20040623
1300 hrs June 23rd 2004
Visited a client this morning
An American bank
Was stopped at the entrance
for security checks.
Now,
if I were a terrorist,
Would I bother
walking through the doors?
I would drive
a car bomb
into the basement carpark.
Nobody checked me
when I drove into the carpark.
Hegemony
Megalomania
Oil
Palestine.
On the other side of the equation,
you have
Poverty
Injustice
Grief
Hopelessness.
Something is bound to give,
yesterday,
it was
the head
of
a Korean.
The killers reasoned,
if the Isrealis
get away with
world sanctioned murder
of their Muslim brethren,
so its blood,
for blood.
We live
in a flawed system.
Where there is
inequality,
unequal distribution
of wealth,
power
and influence.
Some people call it
GLOBALISATION.
Don't get me wrong,
I'm a financial markets trader.
Globalisation and capitalism,
keeps me alive.
Just that
it benefits some people,
at the expense
of others.
Until we learn to share,
more heads
will roll,
unfortunately.
I kept telling Ms X,
the Indonesian Chinese
never learnt.
Seems to me,
neither did
the Americans,
or
Everybody else
An American bank
Was stopped at the entrance
for security checks.
Now,
if I were a terrorist,
Would I bother
walking through the doors?
I would drive
a car bomb
into the basement carpark.
Nobody checked me
when I drove into the carpark.
Hegemony
Megalomania
Oil
Palestine.
On the other side of the equation,
you have
Poverty
Injustice
Grief
Hopelessness.
Something is bound to give,
yesterday,
it was
the head
of
a Korean.
The killers reasoned,
if the Isrealis
get away with
world sanctioned murder
of their Muslim brethren,
so its blood,
for blood.
We live
in a flawed system.
Where there is
inequality,
unequal distribution
of wealth,
power
and influence.
Some people call it
GLOBALISATION.
Don't get me wrong,
I'm a financial markets trader.
Globalisation and capitalism,
keeps me alive.
Just that
it benefits some people,
at the expense
of others.
Until we learn to share,
more heads
will roll,
unfortunately.
I kept telling Ms X,
the Indonesian Chinese
never learnt.
Seems to me,
neither did
the Americans,
or
Everybody else
20040621
2300 hrs June 21st 2004
Just sent Ms X to the airport
this time for 3 days to Fukuoka
voted the best city in Asia to live
of course you don't read about such things
in the Shit Times
We are world number 1
they tell us.
And if you pointed out
that we are not even in the World's top 10
some smart PAP running dog
will tell you,
We're better off than Jakarta.
Yeah,
some benchmark.
Tonight,
let's talk about
Polygamy.
A friend of mine
have this arrangement
with her boyfriend.
They can bed anyone they want
so long as they are open about it.
Cheating does not count,
as cheating
when there is no deception.
I have to admit,
that human beings
are
biologically hardwired
to be
polygamous.
We have evolved this way
over a million years.
The search for
better genetic material
to perpeptuate
our kind.
However,
in the last
thousand odd years I guess
social evolution
conforms us to
monogamy.
Therein
lies the problem.
We live in
a social world.
Emotions develop
through Time.
Allowing our polygamous nature
to go through,
will cause
emotional pain.
Just like a river
whose nature must
run its course,
an artificial dam
will block nature.
Like a dam,
a socially evolved relationship
must be strong enough,
to prevent
the natural impulse
of polygamy.
Whether we like it or not,
call it social conformity
or what.
Polygamy
will result
in emotional pain
at some point.
Someone WILL get hurt.
It will never be
a fair game.
When more than two,
are involved.
Ayn Rand,
author of "Fountainhead"
and
"Atlas Shrugged"
invented
the philosophy of
Objectivism.
Where rational faculties
are exalted
above everything else,
no place for
human emotions.
Rational self-interest
she declared
frees us
from the shackles
of convention
and
tradition.
So popular
were her theories,
she was declared,
the "most rational woman"
who ever lived.
In the spirit,
of rational self-interest,
she took a follower,
25 years younger,
as her lover.
With full consent
from her husband,
and the lover's wife.
Why can't the young lover
sleep with the woman
he admired so much?
Eventually,
it was too much
for Ayn Rand's husband,
and her lover's wife.
Both couples
were divorced
as an unfortunate
result.
Thus, I conclude,
with all due respect
to the "most rational woman"
who ever lived.
A polygamous arrangement,
will be
just
an arrangement.
It will never
be
a relationship.
Because,
in a relationship,
people get hurt,
sometimes real bad.
Like it or not,
we want our partner,
to be
exclusive.
Ayn Rand calls it
"the Virtue of Selfishness"
When you love someone,
you will never do anything
or even say anything
to
cause hurt,
stupid bitch....
this time for 3 days to Fukuoka
voted the best city in Asia to live
of course you don't read about such things
in the Shit Times
We are world number 1
they tell us.
And if you pointed out
that we are not even in the World's top 10
some smart PAP running dog
will tell you,
We're better off than Jakarta.
Yeah,
some benchmark.
Tonight,
let's talk about
Polygamy.
A friend of mine
have this arrangement
with her boyfriend.
They can bed anyone they want
so long as they are open about it.
Cheating does not count,
as cheating
when there is no deception.
I have to admit,
that human beings
are
biologically hardwired
to be
polygamous.
We have evolved this way
over a million years.
The search for
better genetic material
to perpeptuate
our kind.
However,
in the last
thousand odd years I guess
social evolution
conforms us to
monogamy.
Therein
lies the problem.
We live in
a social world.
Emotions develop
through Time.
Allowing our polygamous nature
to go through,
will cause
emotional pain.
Just like a river
whose nature must
run its course,
an artificial dam
will block nature.
Like a dam,
a socially evolved relationship
must be strong enough,
to prevent
the natural impulse
of polygamy.
Whether we like it or not,
call it social conformity
or what.
Polygamy
will result
in emotional pain
at some point.
Someone WILL get hurt.
It will never be
a fair game.
When more than two,
are involved.
Ayn Rand,
author of "Fountainhead"
and
"Atlas Shrugged"
invented
the philosophy of
Objectivism.
Where rational faculties
are exalted
above everything else,
no place for
human emotions.
Rational self-interest
she declared
frees us
from the shackles
of convention
and
tradition.
So popular
were her theories,
she was declared,
the "most rational woman"
who ever lived.
In the spirit,
of rational self-interest,
she took a follower,
25 years younger,
as her lover.
With full consent
from her husband,
and the lover's wife.
Why can't the young lover
sleep with the woman
he admired so much?
Eventually,
it was too much
for Ayn Rand's husband,
and her lover's wife.
Both couples
were divorced
as an unfortunate
result.
Thus, I conclude,
with all due respect
to the "most rational woman"
who ever lived.
A polygamous arrangement,
will be
just
an arrangement.
It will never
be
a relationship.
Because,
in a relationship,
people get hurt,
sometimes real bad.
Like it or not,
we want our partner,
to be
exclusive.
Ayn Rand calls it
"the Virtue of Selfishness"
When you love someone,
you will never do anything
or even say anything
to
cause hurt,
stupid bitch....
1155 hrs June 21st 2004
I suddenly forgot
how Ms X's sister
forbidden her son
from sharing his food
with his classmates.
She claimed
that's for fear
of him
catching illness
from the other kids.
Excuse me Mum,
isn't that
part of socialising
in school?
Does that mean
when I grow up,
I cannot
fuck a girl,
in case
she's got AIDS?
Do you have to live
my life for me?
How about teaching me
protection
instead of,
selfishness?
how Ms X's sister
forbidden her son
from sharing his food
with his classmates.
She claimed
that's for fear
of him
catching illness
from the other kids.
Excuse me Mum,
isn't that
part of socialising
in school?
Does that mean
when I grow up,
I cannot
fuck a girl,
in case
she's got AIDS?
Do you have to live
my life for me?
How about teaching me
protection
instead of,
selfishness?
1115 hrs June 21st 2004
A friend of mine called
She's a single mother.
Her wallet was stolen
and she needs cash.
I'm happy to help.
But I advised,
that it will
kill her boyfriend
if he finds out.
Nothing hurts
a man more
than
feeling inadequate.
What about her ex-hubby?
Why is she
desparately broke,
Whilst
the ex-husband
is dicking around
bikini babes
on wakeboards.
Anyone can be a father.
but it takes a real man,
to be
a Daddy.
People do
fall out of love.
I know how it feels.
But even if I stop
loving a woman
as my wife,
I will never
stop loving her
as mother
of my children.
Children maybe
a product
of screwing.
But they
ain't
lightbulbs
that you can
unscrew.
The marriage
may be over.
But though you stopped
being a husband,
you cannot stop
being a father.
And being a fantasy Dad
isn't a solution.
A fantasy Dad
is one
who sees the kids
once a week
and spoils them rotten
lavish them
with gifts.
A Daddy is one
who imparts
a sense of value system
in the child.
He is a good disciplinarian,
but allows the kids
to make mistakes,
learn from them,
most importantly,
apply lessons learnt.
He teaches the kids
survival skills in Life,
make them appreciate things they have,
and never take things
for granted.
He leads
as a male role model,
by example.
He extracts
the best
out of them.
Maximises
their potential.
He protects them
even by putting his own safety
on the line
to keep them safe.
He sacrifices
his personal happiness
for them.
The Greatest Quality
of
A Father's love
is
UNCONDITIONAL
She's a single mother.
Her wallet was stolen
and she needs cash.
I'm happy to help.
But I advised,
that it will
kill her boyfriend
if he finds out.
Nothing hurts
a man more
than
feeling inadequate.
What about her ex-hubby?
Why is she
desparately broke,
Whilst
the ex-husband
is dicking around
bikini babes
on wakeboards.
Anyone can be a father.
but it takes a real man,
to be
a Daddy.
People do
fall out of love.
I know how it feels.
But even if I stop
loving a woman
as my wife,
I will never
stop loving her
as mother
of my children.
Children maybe
a product
of screwing.
But they
ain't
lightbulbs
that you can
unscrew.
The marriage
may be over.
But though you stopped
being a husband,
you cannot stop
being a father.
And being a fantasy Dad
isn't a solution.
A fantasy Dad
is one
who sees the kids
once a week
and spoils them rotten
lavish them
with gifts.
A Daddy is one
who imparts
a sense of value system
in the child.
He is a good disciplinarian,
but allows the kids
to make mistakes,
learn from them,
most importantly,
apply lessons learnt.
He teaches the kids
survival skills in Life,
make them appreciate things they have,
and never take things
for granted.
He leads
as a male role model,
by example.
He extracts
the best
out of them.
Maximises
their potential.
He protects them
even by putting his own safety
on the line
to keep them safe.
He sacrifices
his personal happiness
for them.
The Greatest Quality
of
A Father's love
is
UNCONDITIONAL
20040620
2100 hrs June 20th 2004
Just got back
from a weekend cruise
with Ms X and her Dad.
The old man is kind of fun
easy to please
quite unlike her Mum.
I get the feeling
I'm never good enough
for her.
I know that boat Virgo
like I live there.
This time around
plenty of Indian nationals
on holiday.
Says something to me
about the booming Indian economy.
A newly created
Middle class
with disposable income
to spend
on Singaporean cruise ships.
Was quite a nightmare
actually.
A whole weekend
with a boatload
of Indian nationals
and
Singaporeans.
The only people
more kiasu
than the Singaporeans
are
Indian nationals.
They threw themselves
at
the buffet tables.
They argued
with the poor Mainland Chinese cashier.
Always trying to cheat others.
Always trying to take advantage
of others' mistakes.
A topless dance show
was cancelled
for technical reasons.
A full refund
was not good enough for them.
Almost started a riot.
Mobbed the poor MC
Like as though
they were going to lynch him.
Totally crude
and
unsophisticated.
Not a shred
of dignity
in them.
I suppose you can
largely say the same,
for Mainland Chinese.
Guess when you come
from a country of 1 over billion.
Living most of their lives
in utter deprivation,
it brings out
the ugliness
in the human race.
Question of survival
precedes the need
to be a better person.
Back to the cruise,
the sea
always have that effect on me.
I feel free
My spirits soar.
I am at my element,
once again.
Took on the casino
made some money.
Not alot
but lunch money
for the rest of the month.
I dunno why,
I'm just darned good
at taking financial risks
or gambling
whichever way
you want to see it.
The sea,
casino,
Karaoke,
beers,
live music,
Ms X.
Guess my weekend
was good
very good.
Ms X
did snapped at me once.
I suppose
she gets away
with behaving spoilt rotten
in front of her family.
Unfortunately,
the receiving end these days
is me.
She inherited that
from her Mum.
Never a nice word
out of her mouth.
Always critical
always vocal
Nothing is ever good enough
for her.
Having said that,
I found that
crude
and
unsophisticated too.
Since today is Father's Day,
I thought I'd formulate
some of my theories
on Fatherhood.
Maybe tomorrow
from a weekend cruise
with Ms X and her Dad.
The old man is kind of fun
easy to please
quite unlike her Mum.
I get the feeling
I'm never good enough
for her.
I know that boat Virgo
like I live there.
This time around
plenty of Indian nationals
on holiday.
Says something to me
about the booming Indian economy.
A newly created
Middle class
with disposable income
to spend
on Singaporean cruise ships.
Was quite a nightmare
actually.
A whole weekend
with a boatload
of Indian nationals
and
Singaporeans.
The only people
more kiasu
than the Singaporeans
are
Indian nationals.
They threw themselves
at
the buffet tables.
They argued
with the poor Mainland Chinese cashier.
Always trying to cheat others.
Always trying to take advantage
of others' mistakes.
A topless dance show
was cancelled
for technical reasons.
A full refund
was not good enough for them.
Almost started a riot.
Mobbed the poor MC
Like as though
they were going to lynch him.
Totally crude
and
unsophisticated.
Not a shred
of dignity
in them.
I suppose you can
largely say the same,
for Mainland Chinese.
Guess when you come
from a country of 1 over billion.
Living most of their lives
in utter deprivation,
it brings out
the ugliness
in the human race.
Question of survival
precedes the need
to be a better person.
Back to the cruise,
the sea
always have that effect on me.
I feel free
My spirits soar.
I am at my element,
once again.
Took on the casino
made some money.
Not alot
but lunch money
for the rest of the month.
I dunno why,
I'm just darned good
at taking financial risks
or gambling
whichever way
you want to see it.
The sea,
casino,
Karaoke,
beers,
live music,
Ms X.
Guess my weekend
was good
very good.
Ms X
did snapped at me once.
I suppose
she gets away
with behaving spoilt rotten
in front of her family.
Unfortunately,
the receiving end these days
is me.
She inherited that
from her Mum.
Never a nice word
out of her mouth.
Always critical
always vocal
Nothing is ever good enough
for her.
Having said that,
I found that
crude
and
unsophisticated too.
Since today is Father's Day,
I thought I'd formulate
some of my theories
on Fatherhood.
Maybe tomorrow
20040618
1105 hrs June 18th 2004
Just had a heated exchange
over the e-mail
with a friend
whose boyfriend is angmor.
She said
Singaporean men
are just not man enough
compared to other men.
Just what is the defination
of manhood?
She said her boyfriend would
go trekking, hunting and fishing
could fix things around the house
would vacuum the floor
and cook dinner.
I've done enough of jungle survival
during military training.
I now fight for daily survival
in the corporate jungle.
The only woman I know
that does more housework
and cooks better
than me
is my mother.
I was expecting much more
from a formerly married woman.
I believe
the true measure of a man
is when he recognises his role
to Provide
and
to Protect
his woman
and family.
Conversely,
the true measure of a Matured man
is when he realises
true happiness is found
when he puts
the happiness
of others
ahead of his own.
When
he derives more satisfaction
in Giving
than Taking.
He smiles
in contentment
when he sees
the happiness
of his loved ones.
When he knows
he is
the source
of happiness.
He has provided
Never will he ever
hit his woman.
Because she is his
to protect.
How does one protect
his love
when he is
hitting her?
I find fishing
extremely cruel.
If yanking the jaw
out of a poor fish
with a metal hook
makes me a real man.
Forget it
I'm happy to be
a
lesser man.
over the e-mail
with a friend
whose boyfriend is angmor.
She said
Singaporean men
are just not man enough
compared to other men.
Just what is the defination
of manhood?
She said her boyfriend would
go trekking, hunting and fishing
could fix things around the house
would vacuum the floor
and cook dinner.
I've done enough of jungle survival
during military training.
I now fight for daily survival
in the corporate jungle.
The only woman I know
that does more housework
and cooks better
than me
is my mother.
I was expecting much more
from a formerly married woman.
I believe
the true measure of a man
is when he recognises his role
to Provide
and
to Protect
his woman
and family.
Conversely,
the true measure of a Matured man
is when he realises
true happiness is found
when he puts
the happiness
of others
ahead of his own.
When
he derives more satisfaction
in Giving
than Taking.
He smiles
in contentment
when he sees
the happiness
of his loved ones.
When he knows
he is
the source
of happiness.
He has provided
Never will he ever
hit his woman.
Because she is his
to protect.
How does one protect
his love
when he is
hitting her?
I find fishing
extremely cruel.
If yanking the jaw
out of a poor fish
with a metal hook
makes me a real man.
Forget it
I'm happy to be
a
lesser man.
20040617
1225hrs June 17th 2004
Lunch time in the office
Have not eaten anything
Which is quite usual
Eat too little
Sleep too little
Smoke too much
Drink too much
Actually made some money on my short KOSPI puts
and took profits on STI too
Actually went short on STI
Maybe my confidence
is going to kill me
Someday.
Its all about
Luck Management
England said
they're unlucky to lose
But matey,
You guys been unlucky
for 38 years
and counting.
After 38 years,
you don't attribute it
to bad luck
anymore
You're just fucked up.
Mr D blamed his boss
for his bad luck
Truth is he could have
made it really good
in his last job
at the university.
The Greeks were
the most glorious civilisation
2000 years ago
Now, they could not do
anything right.
Including building a stadium
for the summer Olympics.
The Chinese blamed
the Manchurians, the westerners
and the communists.
Shanghai is really
China's prostitute.
The Cambodians blamed
Pol Pot.
More hotels than tourists
at Angkor Wat.
I really hate Phuket
Its a microcosm
of everything that its wrong
with Thailand.
Greed, pollution, poor planning
exploitation and
prostitutes going after
the falang baht.
The English thought their fathers
were compassionate colonists.
What the fuck is that?
Truth is
the circle of Life continues
nobody remains at the top
for very long.
Say a prayer
for this white worshipping SPG nation
Have not eaten anything
Which is quite usual
Eat too little
Sleep too little
Smoke too much
Drink too much
Actually made some money on my short KOSPI puts
and took profits on STI too
Actually went short on STI
Maybe my confidence
is going to kill me
Someday.
Its all about
Luck Management
England said
they're unlucky to lose
But matey,
You guys been unlucky
for 38 years
and counting.
After 38 years,
you don't attribute it
to bad luck
anymore
You're just fucked up.
Mr D blamed his boss
for his bad luck
Truth is he could have
made it really good
in his last job
at the university.
The Greeks were
the most glorious civilisation
2000 years ago
Now, they could not do
anything right.
Including building a stadium
for the summer Olympics.
The Chinese blamed
the Manchurians, the westerners
and the communists.
Shanghai is really
China's prostitute.
The Cambodians blamed
Pol Pot.
More hotels than tourists
at Angkor Wat.
I really hate Phuket
Its a microcosm
of everything that its wrong
with Thailand.
Greed, pollution, poor planning
exploitation and
prostitutes going after
the falang baht.
The English thought their fathers
were compassionate colonists.
What the fuck is that?
Truth is
the circle of Life continues
nobody remains at the top
for very long.
Say a prayer
for this white worshipping SPG nation
20040616
1435 hrs June 16th 2004
Back to the blog
Was absent yesterday
Ms X at home
Had to service her
with pleasure of course
Just that I somehow
could not tell her about this blog
weird isn't it?
That you could not reveal
the darkest recesses
of the inner workings
of your mind
To the one you love.
Love is afterall
a mind game
JD Salinger in 'Catcher in the Rye'
"don't tell anybody everything
if you do,
you'd miss everybody"
I had lunch with a big shot yesterday
Chairman of big listed firm
He shocked me
He is everything I ever wanted to be
Successful, rich, intelligent
yet
calm, self-assured, humble, peaceful
I felt
loud, brash, arrogant, abrasive
in comparison
Still feel the need
to prove myself
to the world
What would a guy like him
have anything left to prove?
In words unspoken
he made me feel
like
a lump of dog shit
Boy,
do you have
a really very long way to go
Was absent yesterday
Ms X at home
Had to service her
with pleasure of course
Just that I somehow
could not tell her about this blog
weird isn't it?
That you could not reveal
the darkest recesses
of the inner workings
of your mind
To the one you love.
Love is afterall
a mind game
JD Salinger in 'Catcher in the Rye'
"don't tell anybody everything
if you do,
you'd miss everybody"
I had lunch with a big shot yesterday
Chairman of big listed firm
He shocked me
He is everything I ever wanted to be
Successful, rich, intelligent
yet
calm, self-assured, humble, peaceful
I felt
loud, brash, arrogant, abrasive
in comparison
Still feel the need
to prove myself
to the world
What would a guy like him
have anything left to prove?
In words unspoken
he made me feel
like
a lump of dog shit
Boy,
do you have
a really very long way to go
20040614
2305 hrs June 14th 2004
Just finished watching England vs France
Only a die-hard English fan
Would actually call it a match
The French were far more assured
The English at best were merely coping
Finally buckled under pressure
Such is when you're a class apart
Having said that,
if Silvestre wanted Owen's shirt so much
I would have bought him one
He need not yank it off Owen's back
She's coming home
in about 3 hours
I bought supper for her
Chicken salad in thousand island
Can't tell you how much I missed her
How much I want to hold her
and not letting her go
How much I want to
I yearn to
see her break into that gentle half smile
and pace that soft half step
of hers
uniquely hers
How I missed
the security of holding her
as I blissfully sleep
How I missed
the comfort of waking
and the one I love
is the first thing I see
How I swear
I'd never squabble with her again
How much harder
I have to try
to make it work
Its a man's job afterall
to weather the storm
and captain the ship
back to sheltered waters
I just have to try harder
to be a better man
Only a die-hard English fan
Would actually call it a match
The French were far more assured
The English at best were merely coping
Finally buckled under pressure
Such is when you're a class apart
Having said that,
if Silvestre wanted Owen's shirt so much
I would have bought him one
He need not yank it off Owen's back
She's coming home
in about 3 hours
I bought supper for her
Chicken salad in thousand island
Can't tell you how much I missed her
How much I want to hold her
and not letting her go
How much I want to
I yearn to
see her break into that gentle half smile
and pace that soft half step
of hers
uniquely hers
How I missed
the security of holding her
as I blissfully sleep
How I missed
the comfort of waking
and the one I love
is the first thing I see
How I swear
I'd never squabble with her again
How much harder
I have to try
to make it work
Its a man's job afterall
to weather the storm
and captain the ship
back to sheltered waters
I just have to try harder
to be a better man
1745 hrs June 14th 2004
Back into the daily grind
Sold KOSPI puts
People say I'm a lunatic
Have to say,
It felt like standing in front
of a speeding bullet train
And I'm ain't no superman
Just your average joe
trying to make a living
hoping to love
and be loved
Its not looking pretty
I might lose money
But its always better
to bet on a hunch
and be proven wrong
Than to cringe in fear
of being wrong
and be proven right
If only, and only
I could trade women
the way I trade stocks
But I'm ain't no superman
the only part of me made of steel
are my balls
Sold KOSPI puts
People say I'm a lunatic
Have to say,
It felt like standing in front
of a speeding bullet train
And I'm ain't no superman
Just your average joe
trying to make a living
hoping to love
and be loved
Its not looking pretty
I might lose money
But its always better
to bet on a hunch
and be proven wrong
Than to cringe in fear
of being wrong
and be proven right
If only, and only
I could trade women
the way I trade stocks
But I'm ain't no superman
the only part of me made of steel
are my balls
20040613
2215 hrs June 13th 2004
Just got off the phone
About 1 hour 15 minutes
Long distance to Tokyo
Must have set me back at least 30 dollars
But it was worth every single penny
Lost count of the number of times
We kissed over the phone
It's strange isn't?
How Life is in varying shades of Grey
When things are in Black and White
There is no arguement
No discussion even
But shades of Grey
At which point do we say Enough?
There must be a reason
Why brains are called Grey Matter
About 1 hour 15 minutes
Long distance to Tokyo
Must have set me back at least 30 dollars
But it was worth every single penny
Lost count of the number of times
We kissed over the phone
It's strange isn't?
How Life is in varying shades of Grey
When things are in Black and White
There is no arguement
No discussion even
But shades of Grey
At which point do we say Enough?
There must be a reason
Why brains are called Grey Matter
1950 hrs June 13th 2004
Just spent the weekend in Batam, Indonesia
The sea
It never fails to lift my spirits
The wind in my hair
The sun on my face
The undulating sea extends to the distant horizon
The light shimmers across the wavelets
We sailed past Sentosa island
I suddenly recalled my last birthday
The woody smell of the suite room at Beaufort
Seafood dinner at Shangrila
Twosome massage at Spa Botanica
Making love in our private jacuzzi
as peacocks gawked
I remembered her smile
and thanking God for Life
thanking God for her.
I smiled again as the salty sea breeze caresses my face
Onward to Batam
Meeting Mr D and Ms L
Gorged at Ms X's favourite stall
Indonesian bakso, bebek and ayam goreng
I recalled how pleased she was
eating the favourite food of her childhood
How pleased I was
at seeing her contentment
Her happiness meant everything to me
Meeting Mr D shook me out of my self-indulgence
He is jobless and broke again
Worried again about providing for his sons
And for Ms L
I offered to help
if he needs cash to tie over
He did not answer
Knowing him
We sat silently watching football
Portugal deserved to lose
The Greeks made up for their lack of flamboyance
with meticulous discipline
covered all angles
Portugal did not have a chance
There must be a lesson to be learnt in Life
Just watching football
I come home
determined again
to make it work
to court her all over again
Maybe it's a battle I just can't win
just maybe
Stranger things have happened
Like Greece beating Portugal
The sea
It never fails to lift my spirits
The wind in my hair
The sun on my face
The undulating sea extends to the distant horizon
The light shimmers across the wavelets
We sailed past Sentosa island
I suddenly recalled my last birthday
The woody smell of the suite room at Beaufort
Seafood dinner at Shangrila
Twosome massage at Spa Botanica
Making love in our private jacuzzi
as peacocks gawked
I remembered her smile
and thanking God for Life
thanking God for her.
I smiled again as the salty sea breeze caresses my face
Onward to Batam
Meeting Mr D and Ms L
Gorged at Ms X's favourite stall
Indonesian bakso, bebek and ayam goreng
I recalled how pleased she was
eating the favourite food of her childhood
How pleased I was
at seeing her contentment
Her happiness meant everything to me
Meeting Mr D shook me out of my self-indulgence
He is jobless and broke again
Worried again about providing for his sons
And for Ms L
I offered to help
if he needs cash to tie over
He did not answer
Knowing him
We sat silently watching football
Portugal deserved to lose
The Greeks made up for their lack of flamboyance
with meticulous discipline
covered all angles
Portugal did not have a chance
There must be a lesson to be learnt in Life
Just watching football
I come home
determined again
to make it work
to court her all over again
Maybe it's a battle I just can't win
just maybe
Stranger things have happened
Like Greece beating Portugal
20040612
0555 hrs June 12th 2004
Fuck.
I'm actually enjoying this.
Great cure for insomnia.
Back for more.
What the hell am I doing?
Have not slept a single wink.
And its been a tiring week.
Kuyak the Tortoise is already awake, trudging around the yard.
Biko the Parrot is hungry too.
Sorry guys, Daddy is feeling really self-centred today.
And pathetic too.
Oh, I know why.
Its all about Ms X.
Always the rollercoaster ride.
The highs and lows
The thrills and spills
But always back to the same old stop.
Damned, I've been here before.
If I go,
I suspect the problem is really me.
I love her
But hate her temper
Maybe I'm just looking for a way out
Again
Who does not have faults?
For all the things I love her for
Why must this one fault matter so much?
Maybe the problem is bigger
Maybe I resent her
I hate the feeling that she is settling for me
That she wished I was someone else
But if I'm not good enough for her,
why won't she just pack up and go?
Like my ex-wife
Or she is merely waiting for the better option to come along.
Hey, finding a better option is a full time job!
Why waste her life living with me?
Maybe its just my paranoia
Maybe its just the ghosts of my past
haunting me again.
Or maybe I'm just too afraid
of another relationship failure.
Pathetic
Yeah, Diary of a Loser
is so apt.
I'm actually enjoying this.
Great cure for insomnia.
Back for more.
What the hell am I doing?
Have not slept a single wink.
And its been a tiring week.
Kuyak the Tortoise is already awake, trudging around the yard.
Biko the Parrot is hungry too.
Sorry guys, Daddy is feeling really self-centred today.
And pathetic too.
Oh, I know why.
Its all about Ms X.
Always the rollercoaster ride.
The highs and lows
The thrills and spills
But always back to the same old stop.
Damned, I've been here before.
If I go,
I suspect the problem is really me.
I love her
But hate her temper
Maybe I'm just looking for a way out
Again
Who does not have faults?
For all the things I love her for
Why must this one fault matter so much?
Maybe the problem is bigger
Maybe I resent her
I hate the feeling that she is settling for me
That she wished I was someone else
But if I'm not good enough for her,
why won't she just pack up and go?
Like my ex-wife
Or she is merely waiting for the better option to come along.
Hey, finding a better option is a full time job!
Why waste her life living with me?
Maybe its just my paranoia
Maybe its just the ghosts of my past
haunting me again.
Or maybe I'm just too afraid
of another relationship failure.
Pathetic
Yeah, Diary of a Loser
is so apt.
0530 hrs June 12th 2004
I finally did it.
Created my own blog.
My very own piece of irrelevance on the world wide web.
Being pathetic and trying to be proud of it.
What motivates people to spill their guts on the Net?
Is social life that bad?
Then again, I rationalise.
It serves to crystalise the moment.
Record the thoughts and feelings.
I never had the luxury of time to introspect anyway.
Except during my divorce.
Never had the time to regret.
Except during my divorce.
Never cared enough to tell others about me.
Except during my divorce.
Fuck that was 4 years ago.
Time to get up and go.
So they say.
Time heals all wounds.
So they say.
They didn't tell me that time is a great distance.
Turning 40 and still wondering why.
Made my first million 10 years ago.
Blew most of it in alimony payments.
Still wondering why.
Still earning a good salary after all these years.
A condo, a boat and a porsche.
Still wondering why.
I should be asleep hours ago, or at least drunk.
Still wondering why.
What the fuck, I'd just post this first piece anyway.
Created my own blog.
My very own piece of irrelevance on the world wide web.
Being pathetic and trying to be proud of it.
What motivates people to spill their guts on the Net?
Is social life that bad?
Then again, I rationalise.
It serves to crystalise the moment.
Record the thoughts and feelings.
I never had the luxury of time to introspect anyway.
Except during my divorce.
Never had the time to regret.
Except during my divorce.
Never cared enough to tell others about me.
Except during my divorce.
Fuck that was 4 years ago.
Time to get up and go.
So they say.
Time heals all wounds.
So they say.
They didn't tell me that time is a great distance.
Turning 40 and still wondering why.
Made my first million 10 years ago.
Blew most of it in alimony payments.
Still wondering why.
Still earning a good salary after all these years.
A condo, a boat and a porsche.
Still wondering why.
I should be asleep hours ago, or at least drunk.
Still wondering why.
What the fuck, I'd just post this first piece anyway.
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