1445 HRS DECEMBER 11TH 2007

In exactly one week

when I wake up

in the morning,

you would

be my wife.

Dear God,

you can take away

everything I ever owned.

My house, my car, my boat,

even my stupid cat.

You can take away,

all the meals

from my mouth,

the strength

from my limbs,

or even the breath

from my nose,

But please

never never never

take away

the sound of her laughter

from my ears.

Life has never

been easy,

and when I come home

my mind tired,

my spirit broken,

my body limp.

But when I hear

the joyous sound

of her laughter,

I feel my energy

bursting forth,

and life exploding

into a cascade

of love

and happiness.

And again,

I found the purpose

in my life.

Dear God,

take away anything

from me,

but please I beg of you,

not her laughter.

1520 HRS NOVEMBER 29TH 2007

Just ask me

anyway.

Do not assume.

Because there is

no such thing

as a foolish question.

Only fools.

I will do my best

to answer all

your questions.

Only fools

ask no questions

and assume

1820 HRS OCTOBER 25TH 2007

No!

Try Not.

Do, or do not.

There is no try.

According to the words

of Master Yoda

the Jedi Knight

in Star Wars.

I am no Jedi,

but I am a sailor.

And no ship

can go anywhere

if the captain

does not chart

its destination.

You cannot go anywhere

if you drift

with the sea.

And sooner or later,

you will crash.

The sea is such

that it will bring

a drifting ship

to a destructive end.

The only ship

that goes anywhere

is one who knows

where it is going

and how

to get there.

Likewise,

if we drift along directionless

our lives,

we will surely sink

at some point.

We must be the captain

of our lives,

be purposeful

and have a clear direction,

where we are going

and of course

how to get there.

1600 HRS OCTOBER 21ST 2007

I just went mad.

I bought a total of

4 watches,

4 ear rings,

4 pendants,

2 hair clips,

1 hair band,

1 bracelet.

Life becomes meaningful

when you give.

But giving in material things

is a poor substitute,

for giving time,

giving yourself.

There is no better gift

than time.

Money when spent

can be earned back.

Time when wasted,

can never be regained.

A minute doing nothing

is a minute gone forever,

you can never ever

get that minute back.

We always think

we have to do some heroic act

go help the poor and hungry

in some African state.

Generosity

need not go very far.

When you are being served

by a stressed out

and poorly paid waitress,

who might be

some poor foreign student

trying to make ends meet

whilst doing her studies,

a kind smile

and some understanding,

can help her so much.

We may not have given her

much of our time

nor money,

but we have given

some kindness.

In doing so,

we gave ourselves

and helped her

made her life

a little bit better,

even just for

10 seconds

1700 HRS 16TH OCTOBER 2007

Oh,

in my 12 hours back in Singapore,

over the weekend.

I read of this 27 year old

Palestinian dude

who hid in the wheel well

of a SQ aircraft

and flew from

KL to Singapore.

He fell out of the wheel well

upon touching down

at Changi.

The police arrested him

and presumably threw him

in jail, possibly rattan caning

as its the law

for illegal immigration

into Singapore.

Fuck,

this guy is so smart.

He knew

that on a 35 minute flight

to Singapore,

he stood a good chance

of survival

against the cold

or lack of oxygen

as the plane

would not have gone up

sufficient altitude,

or at least

he could survive

long enough.

Fuck,

arrest him?

I would have greeted him

and handed him a Singaporean NRIC

and passport

on arrival!!!

We need this kind

of smart risk takers

1740 HRS OCTOBER 16TH 2007

31 whole days in HK,

made me obsessed with

the plight of Vietnamese refugees

detained in camps

in HK and other parts

of the world.

I cannot fathom

with any logic

for the life of me

understand how

can the world

classify the Vietnamese

according to

political or economic refugees.

Political refugees

fair enough,

escaping to another country

for fear of political persecution.

Economic refugees?

escaping to another country

because of better economics?

Can a man possibly,

put himself, his wife

and his children,

on a flimsy and leaky boat,

risking

death by

drowning,

dehydration,

robbery,

rape,

murder

on the high seas?

Just because he wants

more money?

Come on,

he is escaping

because living conditions

back home,

under a communist regime

was unlivable!!!

And those Thai fishermen

who preyed on these Vietnamese refugees

because they realised,

it was easy money

looting the Vietnamese,

raping them,

killing them.

And the Thai governement,

did absolutely nothing,

to stop them,

so as to deter

the influx

of more Vietnamese

boat people.

Thus it is

Thai government

endorsed

robberies,

rapes,

and murder.

I used to think of Thai people

as gentle and nice,

after knowing

what they done

in the process

killing possibly

250,000 Vietnamese

I don't know anymore.

Maybe its Southern Thais

or Malays.

I dunno.

Fuck knows.

1840 HRS OCTOBER 3RD 2007

Today

I turned 43.

Today,

after work,

I rushed home

to my apartment,

although I knew

I would be all alone.

But today,

I rushed home

because

I planned

to take that 5 minute walk

to Harbour City

where I found out

that there is a

hat boutique.

My darling wife

loves hats.

All Vietnamese do.

I want to buy

as many hats

as I can carry home.

Because

all I want

on my birthday,

is to see

her beautiful smile.

I feel

all purposeful again,

because nothing

is more meaningful

on this day

than that smile.

1950 HRS OCTOBER 2ND 2007

When we fall in love,

we take this giant step,

into the unknown.

We may have everything to gain,

and also alot to lose.

We may have every happiness,

and we also have every hurt.

Love is like

a total, complete

and unconditional

surrender.

Come what may,

for better or worse.

For all the joys

she provided,

a bit of hurt

ain't gonna matter.

When you have conquered

the fear of loss,

the fear of pain,

therein lies

the ultimate freedom

to love

and love completely.

And each day

for the rest of my life,

I will walk

with happiness

and joy.

For I conquered

my fears

and insecurities

2040 HRS OCTOBER 1ST 2007

This really made me sick.

The violent killings and beatings

of monks and demonstrators

unarmed and holding

a peaceful protest

against the ruling military junta

in Myanmar.

A government

is supposed to be

for the people.

The people have spoken.

A government is supposed

to listen to its people

and try to resolve

their grievances

in a peaceful

and fair manner.

Only a pariah state

ruled by beasts with

the morals of

street dogs

will kill

its own kind.

But that is only

to be expected

of a military junta

that overturned

the election results in 1990

when the people voted

for Aung San Suu Kyi.

And have since,

put her under house arrest

and ruled the people

with military force,

in the process

sending a mineral rich country

into near bankruptcy.

You see some of Myanmar's brightest

working in Singapore

as waiters and waitresses.

It makes me even more sick,

sicker than sick.

When I think of this Singapore Government,

whose Temasek owned companies,

Chartered Industries

and Allied Ordinance,

selling guns and ammunition

to the Myanmar military.

When no one else,

will sell these pariahs

weapons

that were meant

for killing their own people,

this Singapore government

will gladly sell them weapons.

The Myanmese people

were gunned down

by guns and bullets

made in Singapore.

All of us here,

have Myanmese blood

stains on our hands.

We voted a government

that supported murder.

So who is the bigger pariah?

2020 HRS SEPTEMBER 28TH 2007

I can't believe it.

I've faced an entire life

full of dissappointments,

after 42 years,

I would have thought,

that I can take any kind

of dissappointment

Life has to throw at me.

Strangely,

nothing prepared me

for this.

When it became clear

they won't give you

your social visit visa

and you're not going

to visit me,

I suddenly realised

how much

I wanted you

to be here

with me,

just for one

weekend.

I locked myself

in this apartment

for 2.5 weeks,

waiting for you

in anticipation,

every night afterwork,

every weekend.

I did not want

to go out,

I did not want

to go

to all the nice restaurants

I know

in this city,

I do not want

to explore

the shopping centres,

I do not want

to wander

the streets on my own.

I just won't

enjoy myself

without you

by my side.

I wanted so badly

to show you this city,

where I've stayed

for 7 whole years.

I won't eat

all my favourite food,

because it is meaningless

without you.

I checked out

the jazz club

downstairs,

I absolutely loved

that place,

the band

was terrific,

the decor

cozy,

the crowd

friendly.

I lasted a grand total

of 15 minutes.

It was almost like

I felt guilty

enjoying myself

without you.

I just wanted us

to have fun together

exploring this city

together.

I suddenly

realised how much

I really hated

this apartment.

Coming from a 2519 sq ft penthouse,

to a 500 sq ft studio,

I suddenly felt

like a fucking prisoner.

For 2.5 weeks,

I locked myself inside

watching videos.

I've never watched

so much TV

in my entire life.

I don't know baby,

I know there's always

another time,

another place.

But I just want you now,

right here,

by my side.

I hate

the way I am now,

I need you so.

2030 HRS SEPTEMBER 27TH 2007

I can't believe

this cesspit of an island

called Hong Kong.

You let in shady characters

calling themselves

Nigerian businessmen,

who stalk the streets

in the middle of the night

hoping to pick the pocket

of some drunken guy,

You let in

prostitutes from all parts

of Mainland China,

Philippines

and Thailand,

totally unregulated

and running the risks

of sexually transmitted diseases,

But you made it a bitch

for a Singapore PR,

who can prove

she is gainfully employed

as an engineer

in a large listed

electronics contract manufacturer,

who can prove

with bank statements

she has the financial means

to support herself,

and has fully paid up flight tickets

for her passage back to Singapore

for just one weekend in HK,

you made it a bitch

for her,

simply because she happens

to hold

a Vietnamese passport.

Just what

are you afraid of?

Illegal immigration?

Just who the hell fuck

would want to migrate

to this shit hole?

The air is dangerously polluted,

the streets are filthy,

the crime rate is high,

even swanky boutiques

at major shopping centres

pay protection money,

to triad gangsters,

the tap water is unsafe for drinking,

the sea is unsafe for swimming,

even the toilet in my apartment

stinks of recycled industrial water.

Food is ridiculously overpriced,

everything is expensive,

people are rude,

public transport system

is completely overcrowded.

Make no mistake,

we have no fucking interest

in moving to

your shit hole.

We are just here,

to spend some money,

maybe buy a bag

some clothes,

and perhaps Disneyland watches

for kids.

If its so difficult

for us to spend our money

in your shit hole,

we'd gladly

take it somewhere else.

4 to 6 weeks processing time

for a social visit visa application?

The next time people tell me

HK is an efficient city,

I swear I'll kick him

in the ass.

2150 HRS SEPTEMBER 26TH 2007

Sometimes I feel

that my life,

is like climbing

this tall and arduous mountain.

Every single day,

I slogged

my life's energies away,

to reach the summit.

Now,

I've finally reached

the top

of this treacherous mountain,

breathing in

the fresh mountain air,

enjoying

the stunning scenery

all around me.

I take my camera out

to record down

the beauty that I see

laid out before me,

only to realise,

the day is ending,

light is fading,

darkness is coming,

and soon,

the beauty

of it all,

will be enveloped

in darkness.

1550 HRS SEPTEHMBER 26TH 2007

Its strange how friends described her

as a simple girl.

Simple people are by defination

people with simple

needs and wants.

But my observation is

simple people

are far from simple.

They protrayed simplicity

because they have developed

a tough survival instinct,

a psychological immunity

to adversity,

thus making them

very complex

and psychologically advanced

human beings.

Human beings have

unlimited needs and wants,

that is a well known

economic fact.

Our entire capitalistic society

feeds on our

unlimited needs and wants.

We are always chasing

the last dollar.

Always chasing

for that so called improvement

in our quality of life.

When we can only be happy

with a bigger car,

a more glamourous condo,

a fatter bank account,

a multiplying investment portfolio,

a further luxury holiday.

But all these

serve as nothing much more

than bragging rights.

It is like our entire self esteem

is based on our capacity

to show off.

But that is capitalism.

Capitalism is not going to work,

if Orchard Road or Vivocity

are filled with

Buddhist monks.

I think we all know

the deception of capitalism.

A 300% increase in price

does not commensurate with

a 300% increase in satisfaction.

A $5 lamb chop in a HDB kopitiam

costs 10 times less

than at Raffles Grill

but the satisfaction

is no where near

10 times more.

The equation is balanced

only by an added capacity

to brag to others,

having dined at

Raffles Grill.

How do simple people

thus become happy?

Being humans,

they too are subjected

to unlimited needs and wants.

The difference is

short of attaining

unlimited needs and wants,

they've learnt

to appreciate

what they already have.

We think,

we have to find

happiness,

they know

that happiness

is already found

within.

They know,

if you need somethings

or even someone,

in order to be happy,

you're not gonna be very happy,

after getting them anyway.

Not as though,

they are immuned

from wanting to enjoy

a lamb chop

at Raffles Grill.

Just that they know

eating at Raffles Grill,

is much nicer

when you are eating

with someone

you love.

Happiness is

when what you worked hard for

is being shared

with someone

you love.

And ironically,

it can be found

equally

at a HDB kopi tiam

and at Raffles Grill.

1830 HRS SEPTEMBER 23RD 2007

Everytime I go to church,

I hear about

the wonderful things

God have done

for people.

From helping kids pass

their examinations,

to helping parents get

a promotion at work,

to healing the sick,

to narrowly escaping

a road accident.

God is great,

we proclaim.

And the pastor,

will back up,

how God is great,

with references

from the Bible.

So we believe in God

who performs miracles

and help us

when we are in need.

A God

who is involved

in our lives.

Then, how did God

allow his Korean church followers

to be murdered

in Afghanistan?

How did God

allow natural diasasters

like the Sumatran tsunami

to kill 275,000 lives

on Boxing Day 2004?

How did God

allow a deadly disease

like SARS

to kill so many people,

including a pastor

who contacted SARS

because he prayed

for a victim?

Do we know

the answer?

Take out your Bible references

and tell that to

the families

of the tsunami victims

or the SARS victims.

Did God allow,

the tsunami to kill,

because Indonesians

are Muslims,

because Thais

are Buddhists,

and Indians

are Hindus?

Are we worshipping a God

who blesses some people

and kills others?

Didn't the Bible teach,

that we are all

children of God?

And that we are

creations of God?

Do we believe

that God helps

a Christian boy

to pass his exams,

whilst killing 275,000 people

who are not Christians?

Some of the victims

were Christians

incidentally.

Is God really

a God of Love

and not a mass

murderer?

Is it the same God that taught us,

to love our enemies?

Or worse,

totally powerless

from stopping

big natural diasasters,

but could do small things

like helping a kid

pass his exams?

My point is

it is pointless

trying to understand God.

What is the use

of having faith,

if we need to rationalise

that God has done this

and done that

for us?

How can we worship God

as omnipotent,

and yet think

we can understand him

with our human understandings?

Why tell me

what you know about God

every single sunday,

when the reality is

nobody actually knows?

I choose to believe,

that God resides,

in each of us.

And acceptance of Christ

is the conscious allowance

of God manifesting himself

in our daily lives.

It is the personal relationship

we have

with God

and his goodness

that is in us.

We are all

children of God,

we are his creations.

Therefore, we are perfect

and should accept each other

as perfect creations

of God.

It is in each and eveyone

of us,

to let that perfection

be seen

and connect with

the perfection

of others.

It is our responsibilities

to let the God in us,

connect with

the God in others

we meet

in our daily lives.

To try to explain God

in human terms,

albeit with Bible references,

seems to me,

trying to put God down,

to our human levels,

and probably

a sin by

itself.

1145 HRS AUGUST 22ND 2007

We often lament,

when we experience

sorrow and grief.

We immerse ourselves

in our self pity

and pray for strength

to endure our tribulations.

And crave for happiness

and joy.

But how would we

know what is happiness

and joy,

if we had no experiences

with sorrow and grief?

Sorrow and grief

are like knives

that carve into

your heart,

so that more happiness

and joy

can fill up.

So the next time,

you carry the look

of sorrow in your heart,

fear not,

as the day will come

when you will delight

and joy becomes

much sweeter,

because of the tears

you are now weeping.

1750 HRS AUGUST 7TH 2007

Time

is too slow

for those who wait,

too swift

for those who fear,

too long

for those who grieve,

too short

for those who rejoice,

but

for those who love,

Time

is Eternity.

- Henry Van Dyke -

1000 HRS AUGUST 6TH 2007

I suspect,

that we always fall

in love

the very first time,

we meet the girl

of our dreams.

Instincts simply tell us

this is the right one,

But reason tells us

otherwise.

And then the battle

between instincts and

reason ensues.

We just don't want

another mistake,

another hurt again.

I've used reason

to guide my entire life

especially love life,

and had been horribly wrong

each time.

This time,

I let myself go

and be swept away

by instincts.

When someone walks

into your life,

and made you realise

she is everything

you've ever hoped for,

everything

you've ever dreamt.

When you're in love,

you're in love.

There need not be a reason

to love and be loved.

Happy are those

who allow themselves to love

and be loved spontaneously.

Sad are those

who think

they understand love.

I have to be doing something right,

when each time she holds me

and kisses me,

I feel like its the happiest moments

I've ever lived for

in my entire life.

Darling, to say that I will

make all your dreams come true

would be a lie.

I'm no genie

nor a saint.

But Darling, I want to be

the Man,

who would dedicate his life

trying to make all your dreams

come true.

1650 HRS JULY 27TH 2007

In the afterglow,

just like

when the sun

have sunk below

the distant horizon

but the last of its rays

still glows up the evening sky

in hues of orange

and purple,

I lay in bed

spent and looking

lovingly

at her body

so warm and sensual.

The heart slows down

to a gentle throb,

the lingering feminine taste

on my lips,

the scent of man and woman

hovers in the air,

the mind still

holding off reality

that the passion

has subsided,

but the senses

they remained heightened

and alive,

though the passion

is not but

only a sweet memory.

Does it get better than this?

Is this a lasting treasure?

or just a moment's pleasure.

As love gently slips

into her quiet rest,

in the afterglow.

1535 HRS JULY 26TH 2007

Headlines in TODAY paper,

NOT IN ISLAM'S NAME.

It detailed how the vast majority

of Muslims in the world

are actually against suicide bombers.

90% of Muslims in Indonesia

74% of Muslims in Malaysia

71% of Muslims in Palestine

66% of Muslims in Lebanon.

These are what I call

the Silent Majority.

In this society of ours,

our lives are almost

always ruled,

our thoughts are almost

always dictated,

by the Tyranical Minority.

Just look at Swingabore.

How many of us actually approve

of how this government controls us?

But it is always the tragedy

of the Silent Majority

to let things happen.

Reminds of my darling's

favourite song,

"Fools said I, you do not know,

Silence like a cancer grows.

Hear my words that I might teach you

take my arms that I might reach you

But my words, like silent raindrops fell,

and echoed,

in the wells of silence...."

So I don't know what

the journalist was trying

to achieve by writing

the headlines.

It really does not matter,

if the majority of Muslims

in this world

disapprove of suicide bombing.

The fact remains,

that as long as they remain

the Silent Majority,

we can hope

for no change

in the incidences

of suicide bombing.

1545 HRS JULY 23RD 2007

I felt

like I've finally come home

after travelling

for the longest time,

lost in the wilderness

all alone.

I've searched

the long road

over and over again

always looking,

but not finding,

always hunting,

but not catching,

sometimes catching,

but not keeping.

It takes so much time,

to move on.

At times, I lay down

totally fatigued,

having lost hope.

Wondering if this passion

that I held

in my heart

all these years,

travelling alone

is worth having.

Just who would have

travelled with me???

But now,

I felt like

I've finally

come back

to the warmth comfort

and security

of home.

1440 HRS JULY 18TH 2007

Darling,

you lifted up my spirits,

filled up my heart,

my mind,

my soul,

with loving kindness

giving me the strength

I need

to survive the daily grind

in the workplace.

You took away

my sadness,

and filled me

with gladness.

My eyes get filled

with joy

and thrilled with excitment

My heart and soul

gets filled

with warmth

and love,

Happiness welcomes me

when I wake up

and

the sight of love

greets me

in the morning.

1455 HRS JULY 16TH 2007

To the mother

of my future daughter,

I wonder

how is it like,

to rush home

after work,

to be with you

and her.

I wonder

how is it like

to want to carry

all the burden

take away all the pain

so I can come home

to see you and her

happy again.

I wonder

how is it like

to drop everything

I was doing

to catch our kid

when she falls.

To wipe away her tears

and protect

both of you

from all your fears.

I wonder

what is it like

to spend all my free time

with you and her,

I don't want a babysitter,

I'm here to look after,

because

all that matters

is the sound

of our family laughter.

1130 HRS JULY 12TH 2007

Every sailor knows

that the darkest time

of the night,

is the moment

just before twilight.

And before the sun rises

from the distant horizon,

the rays of light diffuses

into the night air

and gradually emerges

at full strength,

the night is dark no more.

My life been in darkness,

I've been living in

the shadows of my life.

Just at my darkest hour,

you slipped into my life

with your love

gentle and bright

it won't be shaken

perfect and true

I won't be mistaken

warm and strong

it will never be taken

away from me

ever again.

1530 HRS JULY 10TH 2007

Fear cripples

Memories persist.

Ghosts from the past

haunt the present,

the heart dreads

to commit.

Am I wiser

from wretched hardships?

The future

promises its fair share

of the past's sorrows.

But I am determined

not to let yesterday's

broken dreams

rule over

today's happiness.

I will not allow

my loved one

to be a victim

of my past.

As she gently kisses

my fears and insecurities

away,

in a way only she

knows how.

Fear not dear heart,

Fear not

to love.

1600 HRS JULY 9TH 2007

What is Love?

I always wonder.

If this is real,

I'll volunteer

an answer.

Its a strange sense

like you've been wandering

lost in the wilderness

for all your life,

and then

coming home.

Its like

you've been sailing

through stormy weather,

treacherous waves,

raging seas,

and then pulling your ship

back to the safety

of the harbour.

Its like

all you yearn for

is to see

her smile,

to hear

her laughter.

Her happiness

is your happiness

her joy

is your joy.

And you will do everything

humanly possible

and even beg God

for divine strength,

so you can

make her happy

make her smile.

It is when

you see her cry,

it hurts like

an invisible hand

grabbing your heart

and squeezing the life out

with razor sharp nails.

It is when

you see her in pain,

and you want

to strike a deal with God

or the Devil,

to swap places

with her.

So what is Love?

It is when

you just want

to give and give

and expect nothing

or want nothing

in return.

1200 HRS JULY 9TH 2007

Picking up

pieces of a broken heart,

pieces of a broken life.

The days seemed to merge

into the nights

of loneliness

and solitude.

Emptiness

and meaninglessness

hung over me

like stale cigarette smoke

in a small room.

I lay in bed,

silently crying

tears

full of pride.

Consumed with

bitterness

and grief,

I sought happiness

and peace

in endless stacks of

philosophy

and spirituality books.

Just when I started

to accept that mine

is a life of

alienated reclusiveness,

God sent me

a Precious Angel,

and gave me reason

to smile again.

1150 HRS JULY6TH 2007

Sorry Guys,

I know its Friday night,

But

I have no time for a beer

down at Il Fiore,

all the mindless noise,

and breathless smokes.

Because tonight,

I just wanna be

with her.

Just like

last night

and the night before

and the night before

and the night before.

I rather go shopping

with my baby,

hand in hand.

Or simply sitting

under the moonlit night

by the reservoir,

stealing gentle kisses

exchanging loving glances.

Spending hard earned money

buying my baby gifts

and watching her face light up

in delight,

it makes the horrible day

at the office

all worth the while.

So please don't bother me guys,

I've got no time.

I can't wait to leave the office

to see this girl of mine.

Because nothing else matters

in this whole wide world,

really nothing

nothing at all,

when my baby

holds me tight

in her arms,

and makes me feel

really really treasured.

As I look into her eyes,

I'm thinking,

some day I'll be so proud

if she wears my ring.

1000 HRS JULY 4TH 2007

There's something

about her,

I don't quite know

what it is.

She has this smile,

that fills up my day

with gladness.

There's this radiance

about her,

that lights up

all around her

everywhere she goes

no matter who she's with.

She has this way

of pleasing me,

I don't quite know

what it is,

I just have to laugh

and be happy.

She has this way

of holding me,

I don't quite know

what it is,

but I know

its so nice

to feel so treasured

and appreciated,

never taken for granted

never

ever again.

She has this way

of touching me,

deep down into my heart,

we can look

into each other's eyes

without a sound

without a word,

somehow her life

touches mine,

and I know

I can no longer live

without her.

1300 HRS JUNE 3RD 2007

Wise men say,

only fools rush in.

But I can't help

falling in love

with you.

Shall I stay,

will it be a sin,

If I can't help

falling in love

with you.

Like a river flows,

surely to the sea,

Darling, so it goes,

some things,

were meant to be.

Take my hand,

take my whole life too,

For I can't help

falling in love

with you.

- Bob Dylan -

0940 HRS JULY3RD 2007

I love you

not only for

the woman you are

but also for

the woman

you've been trying

to become.

I love you

not only for

the woman you are

but also

for the man

that I become

when I am with you.

I feel inspired

to be a better man.

Not necessarily better man

than others,

but better man

than what I ordinarily

would have been.

God knows,

the number of times

I failed

with a woman.

God knows,

I cannot afford

another failure.

Its gotta happen,

happen sometime,

I've lost the last

3 times.

maybe this time,

just maybe this time,

you and I

we're gonna win.

0110 HRS JULY 3RD 2007

Too many angels,

have watched me cry.

Too many angels,

have watched my heart die.

God has seen me

through my sufferings,

He sent me

a beautiful angel Hue,

to heal a broken heart

and believe in

the miracle of love

again.

I thank God

for Life,

I thank God

for my beautiful Hue.

I'd love you

and treasure you

like a priceless gem,

because

you're God's gift

to me.

Love you always.

1120 HRS JULY 2ND 2007

God,

she is so beautiful,

those eye lashes

they seem to go on forever.

That captivating smile

ends with cute symetrical dimples

that seemed just a tiny bit

out of line.

High cheekbones

that blushes like

a red lantern

when she laughs

that little laughter

covering her mouth

so demurely.

Those misty brown eyes,

they seem to look

beyond my eyes,

right through me,

like she's visually focusing

on something inside my head.

That slight sing song quality

of that gentle

Vietnamese accent,

smiles and laughs

in ever contentment.

Such joy and happiness

she brings,

to those around her.

Even Genghis loves her.

So warm hearted and caring,

totally feminine

in its charming simplicity.

And God, she adores children!!!

Its like

She's everything

I ever hoped for

in a woman,

everything

I ever needed,

and God had to make her

young enough

to be my daughter.

God loves playing

practical jokes

on me.

1640 HRS JUNE 29TH 2007

Its funny

but I keep hearing

feminazi remarks like

"Men cannot remain faithful"

If that is truly so,

I wonder who have men

been unfaithful with?

If not women,

we men must have been

busy fucking

amongst ourselves!!!

Assuming we can

quantify the sex drive

of human males

and human females,

and we aggregate

the sum total

of human sex drive,

subtracting commercial sex

and criminal sex,

then the nett sex drives

of human males

and human females

will be about zero

in consenting sex.

If it is true that men

cannot remain faithful,

which therefore implies

that male sex drive

is vastly more

than female sex drive,

it would mean

that men in general

will be grossly undersexed

and women in general

will be grossly oversexed.

Because,

if we assume

men cannot remain faithful,

and female sex drive to be lower,

the residue in this equation

would be

some women

fucking every single thing

that moves in pants!!!

1300 HRS JUNE27TH 2007

What's this big deal

about commiting suicide anyway?

Just what is so good

about staying alive?

Why live,

when we can die?

Life consists of

joys and pains.

Given any joy

we soon get bored.

Pain never ever

turns into boredom.

Just why should

Life be so sacred?

Why is it against

any social or religious laws

to terminate one's own life

volunatarily?

Why preach to me

about freedom of

an individual,

yet he is bound

by the society he belongs,

by the institution he belongs,

by the religion he belongs.

Ironically,

his life does not belong

to himself.

I doubt animals

are capable of

entertaining

suicide thoughts.

So I gather

commiting suicide

is being

a higher life form,

and rightfully

the best and unique

human choice

of death

1045HRS JUNE 26TH 2007

Strange how people talk about

living to a ripe old age.

Seems like when one reaches

a ripe old age,

one is progressively useless

to his friends and family,

he wastes the time of others

he wastes his own time

awaiting death.

He becomes a stranger

to those around him

and to himself

no longer the man

he used to be.

All potential possibilities

in Life

are totally exhausted

and now rendered

impossible.

He makes way

and steps aside

as society charges ahead

of him,

no longer able to cope

with new developments

in technology

and changing values

in society.

I think,

death comes to us

alot earlier

than death itself.

I think there reaches a time

when everyone of us

feels death

already in us

well before we

actually die.

Thus it seems to me,

a ripe old age

for dying

is proabably around

43

1110 HRS JUNE 24TH 2007

Had a talk

with the doctor yesterday.

He made it clear,

that Dad will NOT

be put on life support machines,

even if he needs it,

to stay alive.

It is simply hospital policy

in this country,

that if in clinical opinion,

that the patient cannot recover

from the life support system,

they will not put him in.

Dementia patients

almost always get pneumonia

and they die

of asphyxia.

If the DNR form was not signed,

the hospital will be compelled

to give maximum ward attention,

to my Dad,

which is what

I demanded.

Why then the DNR form?

Maximum ward attention

as opposed to what?

To give minimal or no attention

when an elderly patient

is asphyxiated?

Speaking of life support systems,

why are doctors here

even making clinical opinions

that a patient cannot recover

from the machine,

without even trying?

It would make alot of difference

to me,

if my Dad was put

on life support system,

for months,

and I could see

for myself,

that he was degenerating

further

into a vegetable,

and that he could never

live a normal human life

again.

1905 HRS JUNE 23RD 2007

I just came back

visiting my Dad

at the hospital.

Apparently,

the family have to sign,

a "Do Not Resuscitate" form.

Should medical opinion

decide that

there is little chance

of recovery,

the family can permission

the doctors,

to let him die

peacefully.

Just what kind

of animal slaughterers

are they turning

into medical doctors

these days?

I thought their job

is to save lives

within all medical means,

and not let people die!!!

These fuckers

belong to a pig farm,

and not a hospital!!!

I WILL NOT PLAY GOD.

It is God's decision

to take away lives,

I will never make

that decision,

least of all

on my father's life.

I am given a choice now,

to either keep my father alive,

no matter how remote

his eventual chances are,

no matter if I am

just postponing

the inevitable death

or

letting my father die.

I WILL NOT PLAY GOD.

I don't care

about financial considerations,

I will sell my body parts

to raise money

but I will not

be the one to decide

to kill my own father.

If there is a God,

on Judgement Day,

I will stand before Him

and let it be known,

that I did all I can

to prolong

my father's life

and pray for a miracle.

I will not be the one

to take the easy

and cheap option

and convieniently

let my father die.

If it is in divine will,

that I bankrupt myself

to do the right thing

for my father,

its the cross

that I have to bear.

If the hospital is compelled

to make a decision

so that medical resources

can be given to others,

let this government be judged

for increasing the population

with no corresponding increase

in medical infrastructure.

To add insult,

to this injury,

both my sister and

even my mother,

thought I was crazy.

How can we be

from the same biological family

and have such radically

opposing views?

I should take a DNA test

to be sure.

That fucking sister of mine,

actually insisted on

"Do Not Resusitate" consent

even before the doctors

raised the issue!!!

Its like she cannot wait

for Dad to die!!!

1215 HRS JUNE 20TH 2007

"I disapprove

of what you said,

but I will defend

to the death

your right

to say it"

Voltaire, french philosopher.

All my years as

a rebellious teenager

and an angry young man,

I fought for

freedom of speech.

I believed

freedom of expression

is a

basic human right.

It is still a value

that I cherish.

However,

on a personal level,

I sometimes think

that freedom of expression

should be curbed.

I respect that you should

speak your mind,

but not without reservation.

Ask yourself first,

will what you say,

have a positive impact?

Does it edify

the soul?

Does it stimulate

the intellect?

Does it improve

the congenial environment

between friends?

Just what did you set

yourself out to achieve

when you said

what you just said?

Were you hoping,

for a change

for the better?

Or was it

just a malicious spite

out of underlying hostility.

1055 HRS JUNE 19TH 2007

I've been doing a little

of introspection,

for some reason

for the first time

in a long time

18 years to be exact,

I am actually truly

enjoying singlehood.

Not so much

that I am bent on

being a life long bachelor.

I'm just dead tired

of giving my all

to a woman.

And it is always

not good enough.

Not that I want

to evade

the responsibilities

of protecting

and providing

for a family,

I actually think

that it makes living

meaningful and worthwhile,

I'm just beginning to conclude

that most women

I meet

are not worth marrying

anyway.

Its not that I am searching

for a Zhang ZiYi

to marry,

just that I am surrounded

by money grabbing gold digging bitches,

or angmor cock sucking sluts,

or plainly uninteresting.

Not that I do not want

to share my life

and all that I worked for

with a woman,

just that I find

modern women's emphasis

on love and chemistry

a fantasy derived directly

from girly romantic novels.

Such love,

which I interprete as passion,

and chemistry,

lasts a few minutes

to a few months,

hardly years

or a life time.

I rather they look for

intelligence,

strong set of value systems,

apptitude, attitude, respect,

loving kindness,

attributes that can secure

a life long partnership

and commitment

for a family life

to flourish.

Given our local

Women's Charter

and the quality of women

I meet,

I can't help but think of

bachelorhood

as Liberation for Men.

2310 HRS JUNE 18TH 2007

I've found a new hobby.

Drift Drive Racing

right here in Swingabore.

300 horse power

the rev of turbines

the torque of turbochargers

roar of engines

screeching brakes

burning rubber and asphalt

killer machines tearing down

the track,

man and his machine

in precision overdrive.

I fell in love.

Sonofabitch,

I've wasted all my life.

Thats the way

cars should be driven.

Thats the way

I'm gonna drive my car.

They should teach that

in driving school,

the roads will be a

much safer place

if everyone handles a car

like a stunt driver.

1630 HRS JUNE 16TH 2007

I don't know

what is it about this place

Swingabore.

Somehow,

people have a tendency

to believe everything

they read.

There is simply no respect

for the alternative view.

I suspect

because of

the authoritarian rule

of the government,

it has created this society

where the official line

is forcefully dictated,

exorted and executed.

No differential opinion

is tolerated.

Never a gentlemen's attitude

of agreeing

to disagree.

Even worse than

not tolerating

alternative view,

there is always this tendency

of put downs,

of one uppance,

of brinksmanship.

Singaporeans are

simply unable

to express their views

without putting others down.

It is simply impossible,

to talk without

resorting to insults

and name calling

and issuing ultimatums.

Sometimes even

blackmails,

often emotional.

Guess the old man

created this society

where its either my way

or the by way.

People don't realise,

that by resorting to

put downs and insults,

you really don't

prove your point,

but merely serve

to illustrate

your own inadequacies

and not having

the maturity

to embrace

the diversity

of thought

the human race

have to provide

1110 HRS JUNE 15TH 2007

This Sunday is Father's Day.

I wrote this blog

3 years ago,

circa 1115 HRS JUNE 21ST 2004.

I still feel the same way,

so thought,

I'll just cut and paste.

I may not be lucky enough

to experience

fatherhood,

but in my mind,

this is the father,

I want to be

if ever given

a chance,

although I

seriously doubt now.

Anyone can be a father.

but it takes a real man,

to be a Daddy.

People do fall out of love.

I know how it feels.

But even if I stop

loving a woman as my wife,

I will never stop

loving her as mother

of my children.

Children maybe

a product of screwing.

But they ain't lightbulbs

that you can unscrew.

The marriage may be over.

But though you stopped

being a husband,

you cannot stop

being a father.

And being a fantasy Dad

isn't a solution.

A fantasy Dad

is one

who sees the kids

once a week

and spoils them rotten

lavish them

with gifts.

A Daddy is one

who imparts

a sense of value system

in the child.

He is a good disciplinarian,

but allows the kids

to make mistakes,

learn from them,

most importantly,

apply lessons learnt.

He teaches the kids

survival skills in Life,

make them appreciate things they have,

and never take things

for granted.

He leads as a male role model,

by example.

He extracts

the best

out of them.

Maximises

their potential.

He protects them

even by putting his own safety

on the line

to keep them safe.

He sacrifices

his personal happiness

for them.

The Greatest Quality

of A Father's love

is

UNCONDITIONAL

1315 HRS JUNE 14TH 2007

Respect is such a cornerstone

in any human relationship.

I've been observing

my American friend Mr P

and his Thai wife Khun W.

Mr P never ever gives up

any opportunity

to have a go,

at the Thais,

making derogatory remarks

about Thai people,

Thai culture,

Thai religion,

Thai politics,

Thai economics.

I wonder what

do they see

in each other

in the first place?

If you cannot love

a person's culture,

how could you love

that person?

I'd like to marry someone

whom I both respect and admire.

How do you marry someone

whose race you actually dispise?

If you dispise

the way your wife

was brought up

in her family,

how could you want

your daughter

to be brought up

by your wife?

And just what

did she see in him?

Did she respect him

because of his BMW?

How did that happen?

I respect someone

for his intelligence,

kindness,

strong moral values,

dignity and integrity.

Can I respect him

because of his BMW?

Even more perplexing,

are people who are ashamed

of their own race.

If you don't know

where you came from,

how can you know

where you're going to?

Can you respect and admire

a person who

thinks your people

are stupid?

Even if you agree with him?

I like to feel calm,

peaceful and relaxed

when I am with

the woman I love.

How do I feel calm,

peaceful and relaxed

with her

if she dispises

my family?

1015 HRS JUNE 13TH 2007

These days

when I think back

of the 3 major relationships

in my life,

I am no longer saddled

with sadness nor guilt.

If anything, relief.

It wasn't easy,

for 18 years,

I tried so hard

to please,

I tried so hard

to seek their approval,

I tried so hard

to win their love.

Now I've grown old,

my heart is old,

and cold.

From now on,

I make no apologies.

I am living for myself,

I am the only person

I seek to please.

I want nobody else's approval

but my very own.

Yes, I will be lonely at times,

but neither loneliness

nor solitude

is gonna hurt me.

I've sacrificed my life

all these years

to get lies, lies and more lies.

Not one of them

is honest.

Just lies,

pretty lies

from pretty faces.

No more,

I'm gonna find my way.

Even if I get lost,

its still my own way.

I've always enjoyed sharing

I've always enjoyed giving.

Now, I wanna feel

how's it like

to keep everything

for myself.

I'm stepping out

of the shadows

of my life,

into the pouring rain.

And I'm gonna run

like I never ran before.

Because henceforth,

I'd run alone.

2215 HRS JUNE 11TH 2007

I just got back

from my facial appointment.

God, she is ever so gorgeous.

those crescent shaped eyes

seem to smile at me.

And the dark browns of her eyes,

I swear I can drown in them.

That little crooked bridge

on her nose,

I wonder what is it like

to run my finger gently

across it.

Ah, and that translucent

pinkish glow of her cheeks

set against

the creamy white skin

only a chinese girl can have.

And that almost girlish quality

of that little voice.

Just what does it take,

oh God, what does it take,

to win her heart

and make her mine?

There's got to be a way,

I'm sure.

there's just got to be

a way.

Or is all this even worth

the while

and not another sad chapter

in my life?

If only life comes

with an owner's manual

what to do

in situations like these.

1520 HRS JUNE 11TH 2007

7 years ago,

when I first lost my marriage,

a well meaning friend Ms L

introduced her god sister to me Ms Z.

It was at a time,

when my confidence

was severely shattered,

my sense of self worth

totally devastated,

my self esteem

almost non-existent.

I was trying to

come to terms

that the woman I loved

and married for 11 years

betrayed and abandoned me.

I yearned for acceptance

and needed someone

in my life quickly.

Ms Z is a single mother

who was still legally married

but separated then.

We all had drinks

at Harbour Front,

facing the water.

When Ms L stepped out

to the ladies,

I was alone with Ms Z.

She asked me,

"Mack, can you do me a favour?"

I said,

"Sure"

She said,

"Can I kiss you?"

I was totally stunned,

and did not know

how to react.

Other than utter

a lame "yes"

Next thing I knew,

she embraced me

and buried her tongue

deep into my mouth.

If there is anything

that really disgusts me,

is a really deep

down my throat

kind of wet kiss.

I can't even describe

how much I hate it.

I've always rathered,

a light kiss

to the lip,

or playful tonguing

outside the mouth.

I don't think

I am a particularly good kisser

but I like them gentle.

The only thing nice

about it,

was suddenly,

I felt attractive again

and it was certainly a boost

to my overall

well being.

She said thereafter,

"I do not want you

to think about the future,

I do not want you

to think about anything.

I just want you

to enjoy the moment"

So I thought,

thats the rule

of this game.

So I did.

We were going out

like young lovers,

kissing in public

and fucking at home

like horn dogs.

On one weekend,

we went out to sea

on my boat.

It was basically

a fug fest.

Not that good either.

But for the lack

of better descriptions,

I was feeling

like a man

again.

Until the evening,

when I was piloting my boat

into the marina,

her son called.

He was screaming so loudly,

NI PIAN WO DE!!!

NI PIAN WO DE!!!

I could hear the kid

crying his eyeballs out.

Ms Z explained calmly,

Mummy mei you pian ni,

Mummy gong zuo hen mang.

Upon hearing that,

something died inside me.

Busy working?

At what?

Fucking Uncle Mack's brains out???

I was totally repulsed.

Not that I saw the kid

as an obstacle,

I love kids too much for that.

I just do not want to

associate myself

with a mother like this.

Not even for casual sex.

Suddenly, the sight of her

was revolting,

the thought of her naked body

completely repugnant.

She became

as sexually attractive

to me as

a fatal road accident.

The whole plot unfolded

a few days later,

when I met her for dinner

and told her

that I do not want

a relationship,

and that I was not

prepared for one,

so soon after

my separation.

She asked me if

she can borrow $30k.

Jesus Fucking Christ.

She must have thought

she was the fuck

of the century.

Either that or she thought

I was the Unfuckable

of the century

and $30k was the price

for fucking the unfuckable.

Of course I weaselled

out of it,

with my wallet intact.

7 years later

over the weekend,

suddenly this X-rated episode,

was brought up

by Ms L.

She screamed at me,

releasing 7 years

of repressed silence,

that because of me,

her god sister

have not spoken to her

for 7 years.

It somehow became Ms L's duty

to ensure that I married

her god sister.

As much as I felt sorry

for Ms L

as she lost a god sister,

I did not find it funny

Ms Z made her god sister

a victim

and made me

a criminal.

I'm glad that

the friendship between

Ms L and I

is bigger than that.

The moral of this

story is

just go to a hooker

for sex,

nobody gets hurt

or screamed at.

No hidden agendas,

just fuck

and forget.

Unless you look like

Justin Timberlake,

women remove their clothes

with a business plan in mind.

Her pile of clothes

by your bedside,

will soon enough

be a pile of shit

1425 HRS JUNE 8TH 2007

We all have our needs and wants.

Emotional needs,

physical needs,

spiritual needs,

sexual needs,

financial needs,

intellectual needs

social needs.

I think that

when a man takes a woman

as his wife,

he is duly responsible

and obligated

to meet ALL his wife's needs.

And conversely,

I expect my woman

to meet ALL my needs

as well.

It used to be simplier.

All a woman wants

is to feel like

she is the centre

of my life.

Easier than easy.

Now women seems

to want to feel

like they're the luckiest girl

in the world,

or at least

luckier than her girlfriends.

When comparison comes in,

people's needs and wants

are no longer fixed

but in a constant state

of flux.

Trying to meet her

needs and wants,

is like trying to chase

a constantly moving

and accelerating target.

Honestly,

I'm beginning to think

going to bed

under the quilt cover

with a blood sucking mosquito

is less annoying.

1645 HRS JUNE 7TH 2207

Now that we're gone

our separate ways,

its been 3 months

I remember

when you walked out

of our door

one last time.

We now walk

our different lives

as we erased

the last four years.

Our time has

come and gone,

our story has ended.

We cannot turn back

the pages

of our book,

we cannot turn back

the hands

of our time

together.

The times we laughed

the times we cried

are no more

than painless scars

we carry

in our hearts.

The only thing

that is left of us,

painless scars.

The things

we've done together,

the places

we went.

We cannot relive

the days of our lives.

No more than just

useless memories.,

holding me back

from moving on.

We were wrong

from the very start,

I was too stubborn

to concede that.

We were just not meant

to be.

Happy as we once were.

Maybe its just

the time that was wrong.

Maybe in another life

another time,

when I can dress

you in diamonds

and bathe you

in perfumes.

Now all I do,

is miss you

and the way

we used to be.

Maybe some day

on a quiet moment,

you'd see me again

in the peace

of your mind,

and wonder

what could have been

if you were here instead.

1330 HRS JUNE 6TH 2007

I always like to ask people,

what do they see

in their partners.

Somehow

the standard answer is

We got chemistry.

In my mind,

I'd think,

you're just horny

thats all.

How about some

unimportant aspects like,

Is he a kind person?

Does he gives more than he takes?

Does he treat others well?

Is he a principled person?

What sort of moral values does he hold?

Does he believe in always

doing the right thing?

Is he a responsible person?

Can you depend on him?

Is he trustworthy?

Does he get pleasure out of

lying and cheating others?

Can you think of him

as father of your children?

Do you want your son

to grow up and be

like him?

1000 HRS JUNE 6TH 2007

There is an old saying,

women marry

hoping that their men

will change,

men marry

hoping that their women

will never change.

This is so fucked up.

People always change,

and almost always

for the worse.

Change for the better

goes against

human nature.

For such a paradigm shift

to occur,

it normally happens

under the duress

of a major traumatic event,

like divorce

or major illness

or death in the family.

Don't ever marry

a potential to change

for the better.

If you don't like

a person's spirituality,

or character

or personal hygiene

or financial networth,

don't even hope

for the better

after marriage,

it usually

gets only worse.

People change,

I like to believe

that when you love someone,

you love through changes

that invariably occur

through the years,

for better or worse.

It is tragic,

in this day and age,

when married couples

need a dual income

to sustain family expenses,

people start excelling

in their careers,

start meeting

more interesting people,

start feeling confident

and sure about

themselves,

they begin to think

they're too good

for their partners.

They say

they outgrew

their partners.

I'd say

they merely

compared

their partners

with others.

And they leave their marriages

with the clear conscience

that they did not betray

or were unfaithful.

I really don't see

the difference

between leaving your partner

for someone else

or leaving your partner

with the intention

to find someone else.

Abandonment

by itself

is a betrayal

of trust.

1420 HRS MAY 30TH 2007

Living in this world

is like being in a casino.

You can't think too much,

if you do,

you stop enjoying the game.

If you think too much

about Life,

you won't have time

to enjoy Life.

You just lay down your money

and play your part.

You must know

which cards to hold

and which cards to throw,

just like you must know

which people to hold

and which people to throw,

even friends

or spouses.

Just enjoy the game,

no matter what cards

you've been dealt,

and play the best

to your ability.

Just like in Life,

you must always endeavour

to give your best shot

in everything worth doing.

If you're not gonna give your best

you might as well not even try.

You can't walk,

in the middle of a game,

just like you cannot

resign from Life,

unless you wanna die.

Never count your money

when you're still

playing the game,

just play the cards

you get dealt,

even bad cards.

When you count your money,

you either get complacent

or greedy.

If I count my blessings in life,

tomorrow being Vesak Day,

I'll sit under a tree

waiting for Enlightenment.

And when you're out of aces,

go next door and

sing karaoke instead.

No point trying too hard

in life,

particularly marriage.

A married life is happiest

when you don't really need

to try so hard.

When your casino ship is sinking,

you don't sit there and pray,

you jump.

1050 HRS MAY 29TH 2007

What I meant yesterday,

was for relationships between

two human beings,

be it romantic or platonic,

our whole,

have to be more than

the total sum of our

individual parts.

Meaning,

1 + 1 > 2.

A human relationship

can only be sustained that way.

If

1 + 1 = 2,

what incentive is there

to be friends?

We're no better off

than before when

we were strangers.

Worse if,

1+ 1 < 2

We're no good for each other,

We're dragging each other down.

So for our sake's,

let's just forget

we even knew

each other.

1210 HRS MAY 28TH 2007

Human relationships are strange.

Time may cultivate familiarity,

but familiarity breeds contempt.

Once that barrier of

common courtesy

between strangers

been overcome,

best of friends

have this tendency

of being overly critical,

easily confrontational,

putting you down,

shattering your confidence,

to the point

of brutality.

They say,

they do it

out of friendly concern,

all well and good,

but is there a need

to be fucking rude?

Worst when a snide remark

is disguised as a joke,

its not funny damnit.

Just what sort of

gratification

do you get out

of cutting me up?

Just what sort of

sick satisfaction

do you get out

of putting me down?

Just what sort of

fucking thrill

do you get out

of breaking my spirit?

It is just not me

to respond,

I'll absorb your punches,

I'll take your beatings.

And I do have a

great capacity

for punishment

from someone I love.

But at some point,

I'll miss

being strangers

again.

1540 HRS MAY 25TH 2007

Now this is exciting

my imagination.

Malaysia and Singapore

are planning to cooperate

in building

the Iskandar Development Region

in Johore.

The area will be

3 times the size

of Singapore.

This is one time,

the two countries

will be working together

for mutual benefit.

Malaysia needs our

capital, expertise and technology.

Singapore needs

cheap abundant hinterland,

and human resources

to move the manufacturing sector.

I have seen how

Shenzhen benefitted

both China and Hong Kong.

In this age of globalisation,

when all manufacturing jobs

go to China,

and all outsourced services jobs

go to India,

both Singapore and Malaysia,

have to work together,

be competitive and relevant

or die a natural death.

More importantly,

just as Shenzhen

spelt the death

of communism in China,

Iskandar Development Region,

should spell the death

of bumiputra policy in Malaysia.

Politically,

with equally vested interests

in such a huge area,

bilateral ties between

Singapore and Malaysia,

can only get better.

We're stuck together

for better or worse.

Pertinent issues

like water supply,

West Malaysian CPF withdrawals,

Customs, Immigration, Quarantine (CIQ)

will look like tiny minor problems,

in the face of a region,

whose economy

can potentially be bigger

than Bangkok or Jakarta.

Of course,

a grand vision

that can potentially change

the socio-economic lives

of two countries,

came from PM Badawi,

and not our millionaire ministers.

All our guys can come up with

are building two casinos.

Malaysia is still

a nett commodity exporter,

which will make them

politically and eonomically

aligned with China,

the next economic superpower.

Because of Malaysia's Islamic roots,

it will also align itself

with the Arab world,

Shariah compliant financing

cannot come easier.

I read that,

they will build Danga Bay,

a massive waterfront

housing project

in conjuction with

Iskandar Development Region.

Danga Bay gives me incentive

to marry a Malaysian chick,

Malaysian property,

Malaysian ringgit,

cannot go wrong from here.

1455 HRS MAY 24TH 2007

They tell me,

Love is Blind.

If that is so,

Love comes with a

Braille Financial Calculator.

They tell me,

Its the Thought that Counts.

Then why the fuck

is that Taka Jewellery ear ring

not as good as Paloma Picasso range

from Tiffany & Co?

They tell me,

Love Conquers All.

Yes,

until the next Bigger Better Deal

tries to jump into her pants.

Especially in Swingabore,

Once you lose your job,

you lose your woman too.

Natural progression of logic.

They tell me,

Absence makes the Heart Grow Fonder.

Are you fucking kidding?

I have hard statistical evidence,

that once your're out of her sight,

you're out of her mind too.

They tell me,

All you need is Love.

Yes, and a generous helping of

expensive restaurants,

luxury holidays,

branded goods,

private estate address,

not just a car, but a German Marque.

They tell me

lots of things.

I just wish

they will just

shut the fuck up.

0055HRS MAY 23RD 2007

I can't sleep.

I kept on thinking

of that night.

When a virtual stranger,

almost barged into my life.

She is pretty,

maybe with a few extra pounds,

but at her lanky height,

she carries them off

not too badly.

We've been introduced before,

I know of her as a single mum,

who is recently available again.

She knows,

so am I.

Very charming,

in a breezy sort of way,

I admit,

I was somewhat aroused

when she got a little

touchy feely.

Later that night,

she invited herself

to my place,

for drinks.

The silent come hither

was loud and deafening,

the good night kiss

wasn't exactly a friendly hug.

In my intoxicated haze,

I heard the words

of that old movie Forrest Gump,

"Run Forrest Run!!!"

Yeah, I ran.

Like that mentally retarded.

Look at me,

I know I am not

exactly someone

who can make a woman

wet her pants

for a one night stand.

Seems more like

she came with

a business plan.

I could have played

her game,

but I know

I am no player.

If anything,

I'd fall hopelessly in love

feeling so thankful

and appreciative

of being accepted

by her,

the very morning after.

She must have thought of me

as an easy target.

And later,

I found out,

that she done this

seduction act before,

in search of

her (and her son's) meal ticket

and car installment.

Suddenly,

I felt so alone again,

almost scared.

They always tell me

the ocean is full of fishes,

they forgot to tell me

its full of barracudas too.

1400 HRS MAY 22ND 2007

I very seldom

take a break

for lunch.

But today,

I decided to go

for a walk around.

I stood outside this

nasi lemak stall,

and found it amusing,

why people (especially women)

place a packet of tissue paper

on the table,

to reserve the seat.

Just why do they do that?

I guess they want to be

assured of a seat

when they return

with their nasi lemak.

Its so amusing.

John Nash won

a Nobel Peace Prize

for his work

on the Game Theory.

I'm no mathematician

or genius like John Nash,

but we're both schizos I suppose.

The nasi lemak tissue paper seat grabber

is a simple example,

of that Game Theory.

I noticed,

it takes about 5 minutes

to queue up,

and about 10 minutes

to eat.

Let's say tissue paper seat grabbers

were banned

by Encik Nasi Lemak,

Everybody queues up

for his nasi lemak,

all things remaining equal,

with 5 minutes queuing time

and 10 minutes eating time,

every 15 minutes,

there will be a new seat available!!!

If everything goes according to

the Game Theory,

Encik Nasi Lemak

needs just 2 seats

to keep his business going

for 2 hours of lunch

to serve 22 customers!!!

And he probably has

about 25 seats!!!

So why does Encik Nasi Lemak

have a problem

seating his clients?

Its the tissue paper seat grabbers.

I guess the basic problem

is it is against human nature

to think of costs and benefits

from overall perspective.

We think only of benefits

and lay the costs

to others.

When it costs us,

we think of only our own benefits.

If the tissue paper seat grabbers

can realise that,

it is totally unproductive

to leave a packet of tissue paper

on the table,

serving no nasi lemak client,

whilst they queue up,

and that it has hardly any benefits,

whilst the cost,

is borned

by other clients

notwithstanding Encik Nasi Lemak.

Only humans,

exhibit this tendency

to reserve.

Animals never do.

They hunt

only when they're hungry.

They are inborn

with the Game Theory.

Its so easy,

to make this world

a nicer place

to live.

0940 HRS MAY 22ND 2007

Life is good.

Maybe not great,

but sure as hell

could be alot worse.

I am happy,

I know I can be happier,

but that hardly matters

anymore.

I am one lucky guy,

I may not have achieved

somethings I dreamt of,

but I have to take responsibility

for my part of the blame.

As it is,

life have afforded me

plenty of comforts

and some luxuries,

a million men would

gladly swap places.

I loved 3 beautiful women

in my life,

I may feel robbed

of experiencing fatherhood,

but there are people

who die without

experiencing love,

I've done it 3 times.

I absorb full responsibility

for being both

blind and stupid

for making wrong choices

in my relationships.

But enough

of feeling sorry

for myself.

I've cut huge losses

before in my life,

another woman walking out

is just another cut loss.

Its nobody's fault

but my own,

that I chose

to focus my efforts

on money grabbing

gold digging sluts.

Once responsibility

for the failure

has been absorbed,

blame can be absolved.

No time for regrets,

Life is too good

to be living

in the past.

Memories are

for the dead,

not the living.

Peace resides only

in the cemetry.

Life is for

the Living

1145 HRS MAY 21ST 2007

Its hard for me

to understand,

this emotional dependency

people call Love.

Some people

seem to think of love

as wanting to be together

with their partners

all day long.

They just want to cuddle

as much as humanly possible.

Well, I do cuddle

my cat too.

But is that love?

Some of them like the feeling

of their heart skipping a beat,

when they see their partners.

I think of that sort of feeling

as juvenile,

last experienced

as a teenager

25 years ago.

Love have to be

more than just a feeling.

Heart skipping a beat

or wanting physical intimacy

is no more than just

a passion,

and passion seldom lasts.

It is probably

just a good start

for actual love to grow.

I wonder if people

are really in love,

or just in love with

the whole idea of being

in love.

I think of love

as a living thing,

as my partner

being part of my overall personality.

Where together,

we develop and grow

spiritually as humans.

But we cannot grow,

if we're so dependent

on each other's presence.

We go on with our individual lives

as independent people,

but nourish our souls

when we're together.

We still have our lives

with our individual families,

we still have our lives

with our individual friends.

Ah well,

the fuck I know

1340 HRS MAY 18th 2007

Its strange how people

always tell me,

women are sentimental people.

The entire premise

of that John Gray's book

"Men from Mars Women from Venus"

is based on

Men are egoistical

Women are emotional.

I can't say that is

totally untrue,

but I've seen many

Men who are emotional,

Women who are egoistical.

Somehow when a woman

is in love with you,

she is all over you,

like cheese is all over pizza.

No matter how busy she is

at the office,

she will pause for a while

to think about you,

and her heart

will be filled

with this nice

warm and fuzzy feeling.

When she is out of love,

she doesn't have time for you,

and when she actually thinks

about you,

she feels sick

and makes her wanna pop

her anti-nausea pills.

You to her,

is like Avian flu virus

to chickens,

or Colonel Sanders.

Wallow in your hurt, misery

grief and anguish,

but never never never

try to make her change her mind

once she has a change of heart.

Women are the

most unsentimental animals

once they've changed their hearts.

For God's sakes,

please don't beg,

don't grovel.

All it does,

is boost her ego

and hardened her resolve

to dump you.

Actually I believe,

the grovelling

only serves

to entertain her

a little bit.

1025 HRS MAY 17TH 2007

I was bored in the office,

as usual,

googled "Law of Attraction"

out of curiosity.

The basic concept is

derived from Quantum mechanics,

the premisse of

"like attracts like".

Extrapolated further,

you get what you think about,

whether wanted or unwanted.

All matter and energy

are attracted

to that which is of its

similiar or identical vibration.

It therefore follows that,

if I want money and health,

as long as I think enough

of money and health,

surely money and health

will follow.

Can it be that simple?

Why aren't we awashed

with good looking billionaires

fit enough to run circles

around Singapore then?

Let's assume

I fully suscribe to

the Law of Attraction.

If I were to wish

for money and health,

and spend all my time

and energy,

deliberately trying

to attract

money and health

vibrations,

I think I have just conceded,

that the reason

why I was wishing

money and health is

precisely because

I LACK money and health.

That lack

will be the predominant emotion,

it is that lack

that will cause

further like vibrations,

and therefore

that lack

to further create

more lack.

1055 HRS MAY 15TH 2007

If there is anything at all

this we learnt from history,

is that

we never learnt anything

from history

at all.

I suspect

it is against human nature

to learn from

the bad experiences

of others.

The high rate

of delinquency

amongst children

from broken families,

is a well documented fact

and both common knowledge

and common sense.

But I see parents repeatedly

subjecting their children

through this trauma

at very impressionable ages

of their kids' lives,

because they tell their husbands

the standard end of story

"I do not love you anymore".

It is frightening

when love goes bad.

Somehow, a wife

can see absolutely nothing good

in her husband,

absolutely none whatsover.

The things that used to endear

suddenly becomes

a constant source

of irritation.

Tender loving care

suddenly gets perceived

as needy and clingy

or no fucking backbone.

Saving the marriage,

is actually counter productive

for him.

Everything he does

is wrong.

Everything he didn't do

is also wrong.

Even if he strikes TOTO today

and becomes an instant milionaire,

by tomorrow she'd be cursing

its only one million.

When she can spend hours

at marriage counselling,

with a closed mind

and closed heart.

She showed up

only to ease

her conscience

that for the record,

she did try

to save the marriage,

she even went

for counselling.

She rather be

somewhere else,

like in the arms

of somebody else,

anybody else

but him.

Will she live to regret

the decision?

Her friends and family

may despair,

but certainly not her.

Like my ex-wife once said,

"Even if I live to regret

my decision,

I know it is something

I have to do,

I don't want to live

the rest of my life

wondering what could

have been"

Hell cannot stop

the curiosity

or determination

of a woman

who wants to know

what is life outside

her marriage.

And they will always

rationalise their decisions.

7 years later,

my ex-wife

bought a 3 room HDB flat

with my money.

Please lah,

wanna find angmor

find one that will

at least pay for housing la,

still gotta need your ex-husband

to house you.

I feel alive now

she said.

My elder sister's son

is a school drop out,

after being savagely beaten up

by her butch lover

(actually became a police case).

But my two daughters are ok

she said.

Its not mine to judge,

if you can't find happiness

in our marriage,

please go find your happiness

elsewhere.

No point staying unhappy

in this marriage,

for whatever reason

you're staying

and punishing me

for the rest

of my life.

This house of mine

is not a prison,

you're welcome to

stay or go

if you wish.

If you think so poorly of me,

I owe it to myself,

to savage whatever's left

of my dignity

and self respect

to let you go.

In fact,

I'd even

pack your bags

for you.