0130 hrs September 27th 2004

Just got back from Bangkok,

always felt a strange sense of homecoming,

whenever I go there.

Something sure is brewing,

in the equity derivatives market,

and I hope to be placed

to capture it,

when it comes.

Maybe, finally an expat posting

in Bangkok,

is on the cards.

It is always nice,

to have options in Life.

Mine has been

a rollercoaster ride.

It is my choice,

whether I want too view myself

as a victim in Life,

or

a thrillseeker

on a rollercoaster ride,

enjoying BOTH

the highs

and

the lows.

In retrospect,

NOTHING

and

NOBODY

ever belonged to me.

Nothing is permanent,

said Buddha,

especially Love,

if I may add.

So when Love comes knocking,

I will savour each moment,

like I will die tomorrow,

because it's sure as hell,

ain't permanent,

because Love,

sure makes Life's lows

all seem

worthwhile.

2200 hrs September 21st 2004

So its coming to the end

of ex-wife's birthday.

I've celebrated it,

with booze and smokes,

plus some pointless reminicsing.

Perhaps we'd talk a little bit

about love tonight.

Loving a woman,

got to be an act

of Total Surrender.

Of Complete

Unconditional and

Irrevocable Acceptance.

Like the Billy Joel song,

I'd take the good times,

I'd take the bad times,

I'd take you

Just the way you are.

We miss the point,

when we shed tears,

and say,

I'm suffering

for a love that is not

worth it.

Worth what?

We suffer because

we feel,

that we give

more than we receive.

We suffer because

we think,

that our love is going

unappreciated.

We suffer because

we are unable,

to determine

the eventual outcome

of our love.

We suffer because,

we realise

that our love is

not enough.

But therein lies

the seed

of spiritual growth.

Because love is not

about give and take.

Giving and taking

is a commercial transaction

of mutual exploitation.

Love is

Give and Give.

When you find joy

in giving,

and not expecting anything

in return.

It is madness,

but an insanity

I truly enjoy.

Because when I love,

I've conquered myself,

I've conquered my selfishness,

I've conquered my selfcentric demands,

I've conquered my innermost fears.

When I've conquered,

I shall fear no loss.

Because really,

there is no more

downside.

1345 hrs September 21st 2004

Don't you think

its strange,

that water,

which is

colourless,

tasteless,

odourless,

totally unspectacular

and ordinary,

and yet,

it is so important,

to our survival?

There must be a moral

somewhere,

but can't think of it.

It is my ex-wife's 35th birthday.

I actually remembered her 21st

quite vividly.

Rented a boat,

bought food and drinks,

invited her closest friends,

and threw her a surprise.

She was stunned

into tears.

The party cost me $500,

was like alot of money then.

I wonder how is she,

if she is alright,

who is she with,

if he is treating her right.

Guess she is not mine

to care

anymore.

But can't help thinking

about her,

all day.

But memories are meant

for the dead.

Peace resides

in the cemetry.

I shan't live in

could have beens

might have beens

should have beens

would have beens.

But for today,

I'd just wish her the best,

in my heart,

afterall,

she was once

mine.

2120 hrs September 18th 2004

I don't understand why

the general perception is

that God

loves the world.

If anything,

all evidences point to

that God

really hates the world.

I don't understand why

we begin our prayers with

God,

I have sinned against you.

It really should be

God,

you have sinned against me.

In the Bible's Book of Job,

God had a wager

with the Devil.

Job who loved God the most,

had his business destroyed,

his family killed,

his body afflicted with disease.

After Job complained bitterly,

did God restored him,

a new business,

a new family,

a healthy body.

Christians called that

an Act of Grace

by God.

For the sake of a bloody bet

with the Devil,

God killed Job's family.

Murderous motherfucker.

1800 hrs September 18th 2004

15 days

I will turn 40

I don't know how I will feel

on that day,

but I do know

right now,

that I am crippled

with fear.

Once upon a time,

when I wore

a younger man's clothes,

I was positive,

dynamic,

forward looking.

I thought I could

control my life,

chart my course,

influence my emotions.

Now,

almost 40 years later,

having been in prison,

admitted in a psychiatric ward,

survived a life threatening disease,

climbed the corporate ladder,

became a millionaire,

and lost it.

Been through the

emotional and financial devastation

of a divorce.

Experienced true love,

3 times,

and seen how romantic love,

mutate into a little more than

platonic love.

Used to think,

I'd turn 40,

with all guns blazing,

saying Holy Shit! What a ride,

this Life have been!

Now, I'm not so sure

anymore.

I'm turning 40,

by threading carefully,

a little uncertain,

a little unconfident,

but mostly scared.

1600 hrs September 15th, 2004

Saw Shawshank Redemption on VCD

with Ms X.

Had to prove to her,

that contrary to her beliefs,

I actually enjoy movies,

but only good movies.

Suddenly reminded me of

Anwar Ibrahim.

Released from prison,

a really sick man.

I like his pro-democracy leanings

but have to say,

he almost destroyed Malaysia.

Mahathir saved Malaysia

by declaring Anwar a homo

and put him in prison.

It should be an international law,

that any finance minister caught

suscribing to the International Monetary Fund,

should indeed be declared a homo,

and put in prison.

The Asian crisis

was a result of

disruptive capital outflow.

No economy,

especially emerging market economies,

should ever be reliant,

on speculative capital flows.

It is like,

pumping a person

with steriods,

and then a sudden

cold turkey.

I am a financial markets trader,

I know how money moves,

from asset to asset,

from market to market.

It moves as a herd,

as has the intelligence

of its lowest common denominator.

And IMF's austerity measures,

makes things worse.

Devaluing the currency,

jacking up interest rates,

removal of energy subsidies,

tightening credit,

standard IMF remedies.

Its like throwing a book

on learning to swim,

to a drowning man.

Results are usually ugly.

Recall of massive bank loans,

leads to loan defaults,

bank runs,

drying up of liquidity.

And the dominoes continue

to fall.

Stock market crashes,

currency collapses,

real estate plunges.

And in the case of Indonesia,

social revolt.

Now that Anwar has been released,

the hope is he has,

been successfully rehabilitated,

from IMF doctrines

1340 hrs September 9th, 2004

"Those who content themselves

with limited provender,

submitting themselves

before Allah's will,

shall find even

a few good deeds

of theirs

sufficient for divine approval."

So said Prophet Muhammad.

OK, it is a known fact,

that Muslims are the poorest

ethnonationality

per capita,

in the world.

Hence, the limited provender part.

BUT

Chechen muslims

killing Russian schoolkids,

Iman Samudra writing his autobiography,

justifying the Bali bombing,

unrepentant about killing Americans

and Australians,

and just this morning,

6 people killed

in a massive car bomb

outside the Australian Embassy

in Jakarta,

timing the killings,

with the coincidental printing

of his book.

Bet the dead are fellow

Indonesian Muslims too.

Not to mention 9-11,

or Jakarta Marriot Hotel,

or beheadings at Iraq.

Just what does that,

have to do with

good deeds and

Allah's divine approval?

Religion

got to be the greatest

brainwash

of them all

1230 hrs September 9th 2004

I'm beginning to conclude,

the ultimate purpose in Life,

is to experience orgasms.

Everything else in Life,

seems subordinate.

When you can't compete

for Singaporean girls,

you go down market,

in China, Vietnam or Batam.

Although I would also argue,

going for foreign girls is often

going up market rather than down.

Because I had better conversations

with my Korean ex, Japanese ex, Thai ex, Mainland ex,

and of course Ms X representing Indo current,

than ever with my Singaporean ex.

Better conversations invariably lead

to better sex.

At the danger of being nihilist,

of ignoring the emotional dependency

of love,

of relegating the sweet intimacy

of companionship,

it all leads back

to experiencing orgasms.

Because the ultimate pleasure,

in Life,

is the orgasm.

Now before I am accused,

of thinking

with my dickhead,

let me define

that orgasms are largely

divided into its physiological

and perhaps more importantly,

psychological components.

Physiological is easy enough,

orgasm as a result of

overworking

the penis.

Psychological is

the unknown quality.

But then again,

psychology is merely

a biochemical expression

of emotion.

Surely, that can be

replicated

synthetically.

So if I can take a happy pill,

plus a hard on pill,

just why the hell,

do I need a wife?

1300 hrs September 8th 2004

Been 3 weeks

since I could last collect

my thoughts.

Alot have happened,

in my life.

Started up a new company,

PT RODA MAKMUR,

with Mr D,

a discount store

in Batam,

hoping to be

a Wal-Mart

one day.

Find out what people need,

and sell it to them.

It's frightening,

coming to an end

of one career,

and beginning

a brand new one.

At my age,

I could not afford

to fail.

There can be

no recovery.

Time is no longer

on my side.

It's like jumping,

from one rooftop,

to another.

It's a long way down,

if I slip.

And there maybe

no way back up.

With the benefit of

some corporate experience,

management skills,

business acumen,

financial capital,

a whole lot of luck,

guess I might stand

some pretty good chances

of success.