1600 hrs 8th August 2013

So here we are

Once more

Out of Sight

and perhaps for you

Out of Mind too.

We've been down

this road

far too often.

Do we want

to go through this

again?

Its like a

roller coaster ride

ups and downs

thrills and spills

fun and tears

but always

back

to this same

old stop.

We never get

anywhere

never.

I recognised this

for the longest time.

I cried out

for help.

We needed help

I tried to reach

your Mother

because the only person

you ever listen to

is your Mother.

Because of language

and distance,

I had to go through

your cousin.

Prior to that,

I tried to reach out

to your Mother

through you sister.

But Hien

is so timid

and meek.

Probably did not know

what to do

how to handle.

So I went to your cousin.

I repeatedly said,

this is not a judgement

nor an indictment

of you,

but a desperate plea

for help.

We need help

the marriage needs help

We been through this

repeatedly

for years

but we ploughed on

and on.

Till early 2013

I felt I really needed

to talk

to your Mother

screaming out

in desperation

and sheer despair.

But

you were

more concerned

about loss of face.

You were more concerned

of others knowing

 that ours

is not

the picture perfect

Facebook posts

you want others

to think.

There were issues

and they still persist

to this minute.

But NO

your royal decree

is

This is the way

the marriage is

This is the way

I want it to be

Take it

or leave it.

No compromise

No negotiation

No exception

Well,

for so long,

we had put

our differences aside

for so long,

we had swept

our problems

under the bed

All because

we wanted

a happy family environment

for our son.

You asked,

many times.

Why I no longer say

I LOVE YOU

I just couldn't

It felt like

a hypocritical lie

maybe

just a half truth.

I've often begged

you

to turn on the light

and see the mess

that this marriage is.

And together

we clean it up.

We need

to get our act

together

We need

to fix

our problems.

For our son.

But NO,

you were too proud

you just want

to revert

to status quo.

This is the way

it is,

take it or leave it.

This time,

I won't beg you

to return

to this loveless marriage.

This time

I think it might be better

you go your way

and I go mine.

 This time,

I actually believe

it is best

for our son.

We have seen

his anguish

everytime

we fight.

Even as a tiny toddler

he tried

to intervene.

We put him

through this ordeal

far too many times.

If we are not

going to resolve

our issues

I rather

we live

separate lives.

So no more fights

for Van-Dylan

to witness

There really

is no more use

in ploughing on

and on.

The ground

IS DEAD

0130 hrs 7th August 2013

This is bad

really bad

I found an article online

by this psychiatrist

Dr Tara J. Palmatier

13 Signs your wife or girlfriend

is a Borderline Personality Disorder

or Narcissist.

(1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings.

Check

I truly edit myself

because I live in

constant fear

of her reaction

(2)  Everything is your fault

Check

By her own admission

"If I don't blame you

who can I blame?"

Sometimes to the point

of absurdity

When I wonder

if she actually believes

in what she said,

because no honest

or sane person

would believe.

(3)  Constant Criticism

Check

Nothing I ever do

is good enough

I dared not even

buy her a birthday present

I rather tell her

go choose what you want.

Nothing I ever do

is good enough

Unless she specifically

instructs me

Everything I do

is wrong

Everything I don't do

is also wrong

Worse still,

NOTHING NICE

ever comes out

of her mouth

(4)  Control Freak

Check

I cannot have an opinion

or a feeling

on anything

unless she tells me to

She goes through

my handphone

She reads

every single message

every single night

wanting to know

what I said

to others

(5)  Mr Hyde and Dr Jekyll

Check

Anyone who meets her

will fall in love with her

until you actually

live with her

She can be so kind

and loving

And then transform

into this vicious

abusive mutant

that I don't recognise

(6)    Your feelings don't count

Check

If ever I reveal

how I truly feels

and it is in contradiction

to her

God help me

She will ravage me

verbally.

When it means so much

to me

to have her

by my side,

when I receive my

exam results.

She rather be glued

on Facebook.

On Chinese New Year Eve

Reunion dinner,

how sacred it is

to me

for the family

to dine together,

She went ahead

with dinner

without me.

How I felt,

like an idiot

waiting for the maid

to finish cooking

and when I went out

to the dining room

to check

what's taking so long,

actually thinking

that it might have been

such a special dish

that is taking so long,

but NO

reunion dinner is over

and Daddy is not invited.

And oh,

on my 48th birthday,

her siblings bought me

a birthday cake.

She absolutely refused

to leave the bedroom

to join in the cake cutting

and birthday song.

We had to carry

the birthday cake

to her royal highness bedroom

and awkwardly

sing the birthday song

as hastily as possible.

Pathetic

(7)  Questioning my own sanity

Check

I really wonder

if the fault is all mine

that my expectations

of a wife

is truly unachievable

and unrealistic.

That my own pent up anger

is lack of self control

(8)  Deny she actually said this or done that

Check

In quieter moments,

I try to gently confront her

about something she said

or done

which I am truly unhappy about

And she will deny outright

Accusing me of being

absent minded

at my age

and conjuring up

bad impressions of her

making her out to be

a bitch

I am always stunned

how can she lie

so blantantly

and actually

have self doubts

Even worse,

when she accuses me

of infidelity

Jeez,

mistresses cost money

and I gave her all

my money

leaving just enough

to buy Breadtalk

and cigarettes.

Can she even believe

her accusation?

And worse than worst,

accusing me

of stealing money

when I ask her

for money

to pay

the household bills!!!

I even have

a speadsheet

that tracks every cent

and wanted to show her

but she could  not

be bothered.

I now pay the household bills

through her bank account

so not a penny more

leaves her bank.

She even demanded

to see

my CPF account

wanting to see her name

as sole beneficiary

to my assets

not even Van-Dylan

Marriages are supposed

to be based

on the foundations of

Trust and Respect

It is bad enough

not to be trusted

for no reason

but to have your integrity

questioned

by someone

whom is supposed

to trust and respect

you.

Sad

(9) Isolating yourself from friends and family

Check

She finds reasons

to hate

and dispise

every single one

of my family members

and friends.

Even the once a month

gathering

with my alumni

Every single time

I get home,

she will always

find reasons,

to start a fight

Such that

I fear

having anything

to do at all

with my friends,

or family.

And then she proceeds

to try and choose

my friends

for me.

Insisting I meet so and so,

have drinks with them.

(10)  Walking on Landmines

Check

Every single day

Every single minute

Every waking moment

I live in sheer

pure unadulterated

petrified fear.

I just don't know

when will she next

explode

or be moody.

People have remarked

how much I aged

in the past 6 years,

the stress is

beyond human capacity

to tolerate

(11) what goes up must come down

Check

Happiness never lasts

For at most 2 days

and I am not kidding

of peaceful

and loving

family life

when she made me feel

so appreciated

and then

she will call me

LOSER

and being married to me

is such a SHAME.

(12)  Unlevel playing field

Check

She makes all the rules

for me

She hates it

when I come home

even with the slightest wiff

of alcohol

but she comes home

totally drunk

and legless

Her friends

had to call me

go down to the carpark

and carry

her lifeless body

home.

(13) Don't leave me

Check

The times

when all the bottled up

anger

bitterness

frustrations

insults

got too much

and I pack

She would come

running back

promising

things will change

But at most

for 48 precious hours

Things never change

We've been down

this road

so many times

So there you go,

Borderline Personality Disorder

or Narcissisist

13 out of 13

100%

I am not naive enough

to believe

everything I read

on the Internet,

but it is  not

looking good.

You know,

I am the one

that has been suffering

sleepless nights

loss of appetite

since she left

4 nights ago

I have actually lost

2 kg

But I can bet

my life,

she is sleeping

very soundly

as I type

or maybe Facebook

all through

the night

at Anthony & Ha's place.

She simply has

no capacity

for empathy

or consideration

for my feelings.

2000 hrs 6th August 2013

When I think about it

as I have been

the past 4 days,

both the diagnosis

and prognosis

are not good.

You, my dear

are quite simply

a NARCISSIST.

You have

an overtly grandiose

opinion

of yourself.

You have this incredibly

huge sense

of Entitlement.

Nothing ever

satisfies you.

I suppose when

I first met you,

you were impressed by

the penthouse,

the Porsche,

the boat.

They looked good,

when you post pictures

on Facebook.

When all that is gone,

you repeatedly

called me LOSER

inspite of the $1 million

cash, in your name

Which you had

eroded rather quickly.

I should have known,

when you demanded

I sell the penthouse

even when the market was depressed

because you wanted

to buy land in Danang.

And you said,

you needed "face"

to show that you own land

in Vietnam.

You crave

admiration.

Not respect.

You crave

envy.

Not love.

You are addicted

to belittling others

to demeaning others

because it makes

you feel good

about yourself.

You even laughed

when your best friend Ha

asked you why

you scolded her

all morning.

I know why,

because scolding others

putting others down

is a power trip

for you.

Even your boss

said he felt hurt

about certain remarks

you made.

He said nobody

wants to be close to you

in the office,

because of the way

you volunteer

your criticisms.

Whenever something

goes against

that Facebook picture perfect

image of your life,

you go into

wild

unfettered rage.

You seem

to want to

be a good daughter

only because

it makes you feel good

to be more approved

by your parents

instead of

your siblings.

You sacrifice

for the betterment

in terms of education

for your siblings

but in return

you want to be

lord and master

over their lives.

Everything around you,

must go through

your royal approval

otherwise

you go nuts.

If anything

or anyone,

goes against

your princess aura

you turn

violently

punishing.

How dare you???

Go back to your place

and grovel at my feet.

I suspect

the only reason

you want a child

is to add

to your notion

of

perfect Vietnamese woman

Van-Dylan and I

are nothing more

than ego fuel

for you.

You

are simply

incapable

of loving others

you love yourself

too much.

Any love or kindness

you show to others

is merely

to feel good

about yourself

and more of

you want

ego stroking

in return.

Honestly,

I don't think

you can ever change.

Short of

a real life

traumatic experience.

Grow up

because

I had enough

of living in fear

not exactly sure

what will trigger

your next attack.

I had enough

of living life

in constant vigilance

having to be careful

of every word

I speak

of every thought

in my mind

to the point

I don't tell you

a single thing

in my mind.

Coming from a man,

whose opinions are

well sought after

by people

all around,

it is disconcerting

to be

a silent partner

at home.

Do yourself a favour,

having Van-Dylan custody

is only a vengeance

because you know

it really hurts me

more than anything else

not to be with him.

Go search for another man

to boost ;your ego

and having Van-Dylan around

is not going to improve your odds

Give him to me.

1710 hrs 5th August 2013

Van-Dylan

my dearest son.

You're gonna turn 4

next week.

I doubt very much

I can be part

of your birthday celebrations.

Your Mum did not even

send you to school today,

I imagine she could not wake up

after all night sessions

on Facebook.

Chances of me

guiding you through

your growing up years

are extremely bleak.

The Woman's Charter laws in Singapore

will see to it

that we never live together again.

And I know your Mum too well,

to know that

she will do everything she can

to alienate you

against me.

So in the absence

of better alternatives,

I will just leave parts of me

around in blogs

So one day,

you can get to know

the Daddy that

truly loves you,

more than anything else

in the world.

But in order

to keep loving you

albeit from

afar,

I have to stay sane

and hence

away from Mum and you.

You know,

since a very young age,

I observed

that you have a very keen sense

of justice

of right and wrong

of crime and punishment.

And you take it upon

your little self

to judge

and carry out punishments.

I can't think

of a better career

for your inclination

than a public prosecutor.

I imagine you

to be a real mean

hard ass

public prosecutor

that strikes fear

into the hearts of

criminals

and their lawyers.

I've always felt,

the problem

with this world is

too many criminals

and smart well paid lawyers

but too little

good public prosecutors.

I can imagine you

really enjoying

your work,

and nail

the bad guys.

The only way,

I could get you

to eat your pork

is to tell you

its a naughty spinosaurus

and you will devour it

as a way

of punishment.

As you grow up

and find your feet

Remember,

when you think of a career

DO WHAT YOU LOVE.

Because it is human nature

to love what you are good at.

So do what you love

what you are good at.

Because it follows

that if you are good at something

there will be commercial value

in it.

So identify

what you are good at,

and pursue it

like your divine calling

and be among the best

in your chosen field

Try to avoid

crowded fields

even if you are

the best 

in the crowded field,

the law of lowest common denominator

will drag your value down.

Try to find a niche

and be the best

in it.

You do not have to

conform with the rest.

If your convictions are

that the crowd is wrong,

then be brave

and be contrarian.

But do it within

the confines of the law.

You must respect authority

and accept the power structure

in our society.

If you have to bring down

unjust, corrupt and incompetent

authorities,

do it intelligently

without being a martyr.

Be humble

because with humility

you will realise

EVERYONE you meet

in your life

is your teacher.

There is so much to learn

so much to absorb

in this world.

In everything you do

devote time and energy

to it.

Some people take 2 hours

to complete a module,

you might need 4 hours.

Then you put in 8 hours.

Its all about

time management

and sacrifices.

Most entertainment

are a waste of time,

either you learn something new

or you have a good laugh,

otherwise its a waste of time.

And time is a precious commodity

because once you lost an hour

of your time,

its gone forever.

Money lost can be made back,

Time lost is gone forever.

Guess I'll stop for now,

Love you forever

my dear son.

1400 hrs 5th August 2013

https://mail-attachment.googleusercontent.com/attachment/u/0/?ui=2&ik=cca2c785fd&view=att&th=1404d171c1c92ca8&attid=0.1&disp=safe&realattid=1442507993465749504-local0&zw&saduie=AG9B_P9aEhapBcbN4a2YlTgO3SpC&sadet=1375682927717&sads=ZZJ4YwsXBKI474TYIENud4Nsda0&sadssc=1

0425 hrs 5th August 2013

It is clearer

than clear.

Too obvious.

After all that has been

said and done,

You and I

simply cannot

get along.

I do  not even want

to know you

as a mere acquaintance

let alone

a wife.

You are just not

the kind,

wonderful girl,

I married

6 years ago.

But you turned out

to be a

self absorbed

self centred

self preserving

domineering

rude

abusive

vile tempered

narcissistic

BITCH.

I should have known,

by the way

you treated

your uncle and sister.

But I was too blind.

I was warned

about your temper,

about your personality.

I brushed it aside,

thinking

how bad

can it ever get?

I was wrong,

dead wrong.

You turned out

far worse

than my worst

nightmares.

It has to happen,

we have to part.

I dread the thought

of spending

another minute

with you.

I feel really sorry

for my son.

If only you

will just give him up

to me,

and go lead your life

find a new man

start a new family

live in another country.

Just so that

I don't ever

have to see you

or even hear anything

about you.

I prefer

to be single for life

than spend another minute

with you.

Seeing how you

mistreated me,

when I provided

a good lifestyle for you

to brag about,

when I provided

for your siblings'

education

when I loaned

your parents $220k

to buy land in Danang,

when no rich uncle or auntie

would even lend a cent,

I hate to imagine

how you will mistreat me

the day I can no longer work

and dependent on you.

I never asked

you for much.

All I ask,

is some peace

in the house.

But you never pass up

a chance

of going ballistic

over any

non issue.

You were not there for me,

when I first received

my exam results,

I felt like the biggest idiot

the exam results

meant so much to me,

I slogged so hard

to pass.

It meant the world to me

to have my wife

by my side

when I receive

the results,

but you rather

be on Facebook.

And I had to share

my joys

with Anthony Lim.

How more pathetic

can it get?

What is the meaning

of having a wife

by your side?

When I was suffering

in pain

from diverticulitis

the first person

I called

was you,

my wife.

What did you do?

Went Clarke Quay

and got totally drunk.

I had to carry you home.

When I am unemployed

worried sick

about money,

refused even to go

to the hospital

because my hospitalisation insurance

was not approved yet,

suffered in pain,

you showed absolutely

no care

nor concern.

Said if I can't take care of myself,

I deserved it.

Wow, Dr Kelly Van

specialist in Diverticulitis.

Of course,

you went ahead,

bought yourself

LV wallet

Coach wallet

Miu Miu sunglasses.

With the money,

that was meant

for my son's

education.

Way before all these happened,

I already decided,

that when Van-Dylan

is all grown

and self supporting

be the good public prosecutor

 I dreamed him to be,

I would leave

both of you.

And go die alone

up the mountains

of Nepal

smoke pot

and die

alone

instead of having you

screaming at me

abusing me

insulting me

whilst I lay motionless

on my death bed.


Enough said,

I feel

nauseous

you make me sick

2250 hrs 4th August 2013

Oh God,

I don't know

what to do.

I can't think

I can't feel

It happened so often

I really don't know

If I can go through it

again.

She is just so awful

as a person

I can't believe

I took her

as my wife

and

mother

of my kid.

Right now,

try as I may

I just can't think

of any

human goodness

in her.

I honestly never met

another person

who is so rude

have the least cares

or consideration

for the feelings

of others.

Any kindness

she shows

to another

only serves

her own purposes.

She seeks to

influence the person

and totally

utterly

dominate.

She craves power

over others.

She will do anything

to impress

decked with jewellery

and branded bags

and shoes.

Everything

is a bragging right.

She is more interested

in painting

a picture perfect life

to be envied

on Facebook

than actual

reality.


And the way

she runs others down.

Openly insulting

crudely abusive

explicitly vulgar.

She worships her 3rd Aunt

in Brisbane.

And I can see why.

She uses money

to intimidate

belittle

squash any ego

that crosses her path.

Its like a bad

role model.

In generic terms,

She is a BITCH

and she actually enjoys

and savours every opportunity

to be a bitch.

I can't for my dear life fathom

how someone

whose entire self esteem

is contingent

on being envied

and worshiped even.

Nobody in the office

likes her,

All her siblings

avoid contact with her.

Her sister in laws

won't even accord her

a hello.

Her parents

adore her

because she takes pride

in being a good daughter

but not a good sister

nor good friend

or good husband

Maybe in her warped mind

a good mother.

Get real,

you are not a Princess

and people around you

are not your subjects.

Oh God,

you should see

her tyranny

towards the maid.

Absolutely disgusting.

I honestly

cannot think

of a single reason

to love her.

Other than she

providing me a son.

Whom I really

cannot bear

to lose.

I tried so hard

God knows how hard

I tried.

To ignore

her goadings

to avoid

any conflicts

or confrontation even.

I just can't win.

And her bargaining chip

is always

my son.

It truly made me wonder

if the boy

will amount to anything

with a mother

as obnoxious

as that

1530 hrs 3rd August 2013

Anger

and Bitterness

Deeply seething

Resentment.

They are seem impossible

to Suppress

forever.

Much as you try

to make things look

as Normal as possible,

Happy even.

All because

you want your Son

to have a Happy Home

like a TV commercial.

Days and Nights filled

Full of love,

Full of happiness,

Full of laughter.

But the Darkness lurks

like a constant shadow

follows you everywhere

And in a moment least unexpected

it smothers

all the Happy life

you tried so hard

to show the world

1745 HRS 20TH MAY 2013

Self Subjugation

is the only solution.

Because

the burden of Commitment

is too great

to abandon.

There is no more

Fear,

no more

Ego,

no more

Self.

Maybe

no more

Happiness,

no more

Love

as well.

Or maybe

Happiness and Love

comes in another

unknown form.

It's eventuality

is an unknown.

Maybe

a statistical

kurtosis.

But sure as hell

not the mean

in a Normal Distribution

the Distribution

of Happiness in Life.

I live

for the Ultimate Happiness

of my Son.

I merely exist

as a Means to an End

to service this Marriage.

Like a life long Mortgage

I keep paying

until there is nothing

left to pay

or drop dead,

just to provide

the environment

for my Son's Upbringing.

Just to serve

a Purpose.

Just another means

to an End.

Just another brick

in the wall

of the House.

0400 HRS 29TH APR 2013

Its 4 am

I can't sleep

I am drained

Exhausted

Sapped

of all Life's energies.

Emotionally,

I am numb.

Intellectually,

I am depleted.

Physically,

I am tired.

Spiritually,

I feel like a ghost

who lived his life

and now

only have

useless memories.

Life is as interesting

as Sisyphus

condemned to

exerting all your strength

rolling the boulder

up the hill

and watch it

roll back down.

And then repeating

the whole process.

I wish to end it all,

so that my son

can benefit from my

life insurances.

Am probably worth more

dead than alive.

He is the ONLY reason

why I live

anyway.

I just want to hear

his little laughter.

Knowing my fucking luck,

his Mum will make him

hate me

anyway