2150 hrs October 26th 2005

I just had a beer

at the Simei kopi tiam.

I've always enjoyed

sitting down

watching all the uncles

drinking their beers

alone.

Makes me wonder,

who are they?

where did they come from?

why are they not

with their families?

why are they not

with their friends?

Did they not have

a love life?

Fuck you,

tell a Singaporean girl,

to date a guy

who lives in a rented

HDB room,

not even flat,

let alone one

who does not drive

his own car.

Were they once

very rich?

Or have they been

poor all their lives?

But I watch

as they drown their sorrows

in yet another beer,

staring blankly

at the mug.

What's on their minds?

Don't they dream

about our 5Cs?

Sure they do,

government said upgrade

your skills.

Fuck you,

try telling a truck driver,

to upgrade

and be a B to B website engineer.

Don't they feel lonely?

Lonely,

is just another word,

once you're grown

used to it.

But through it all,

I admire

the tenacity.

Work,

have a beer,

hit the bunk

and sleep.

Tomorrow

is another day

to get by.

Love,

if not fleeing illusions

can be bought

for a price

at Geylang.

2000 hrs October 25th 2005

Boy, I was so drunk

early this morning

when I wrote the previous post.

Even posted it twice

and misspelt October.

Otherwise,

I thought the post

was quite nightmarish,

inspired by alcohol.

I just heard a great song,

its the soundtrack of

Cirque Du Soleil's

Quidam.

I am totally nuts

about Cirque Du SOleil.

There is this surrealistic

dreamlike quality

about all the shows,

My dreams are somewhat abstract like that,

minus the great soundtrack

and wonderful acrobatics.

Makes me wish,

I was born

with that sort of

artistry.

Alas!!!


Let Me Fall
===========

Let me fall

Let me climb

There's a moment when fear

and dream must collide

Someone I am

Waiting for courage

the One I want

the One I will become

will catch me.

So let me fall

If I must fall

I won't heed your warnings

I won't hear them

All I ask

All I need

Let me open whichever

door I might open.

Let me fall

If I fall

Though the phoenix may

or may not rise.

I will dance so freely

Holding on to no one

You can hold me only

If you too will fall

away from all these

useless fears and chains.

Someone I am

Waiting for my courage

The One I want

The One I will become

will catch me.

So let me fall

If I must fall

I won't heed your warnings

I won't hear them.

Let me fall

If I fall

There's no reason

To miss this one chance

This perfect moment

Just let me fall

0150 hrs Octobeer 25th 2005

Shall we dance?

To the blood

that I drip.

The blood

that is homeless

of the heart.

Shall we dance

to this shameless anger,

where death

may meet

the moonlight,

as winds howl

and rain splatters.

Caress me

with the blunt

of the crystal glass

as it splits my face,

in promises broken,

and new promises

unbroken.

Dip me into my grave,

with your new commitments.

With promises of love,

dance me

to my ashes.

Just remember

to release me

at sea,

where I am one again,

with my happiness.

0150 hrs Octobeer 25th 2005

Shall we dance?

To the blood

that I drip.

The blood

that is homeless

of the heart.

Shall we dance

to this shameless anger,

where death

may meet

the moonlight,

as winds howl

and rain splatters.

Caress me

with the blunt

of the crystal glass

as it splits my face,

in promises broken,

and new promises

unbroken.

Dip me into my grave,

with your new commitments.

With promises of love,

dance me

to my ashes.

Just remember

to release me

at sea,

where I am one again,

with my happiness.

2150 hrs October 22nd 2005

In a drunken haze,

losing my sanity.

Chapters of my life,

fall out of

my eyes.

Read, memorised,

looted, plundered.

Sleepless clouds

drift out

of my sight.

The jail in my mind,

refuses release.

Situations spill out

in multiple scences.

One word at a time,

one act at a time,

Struggling

to stay alive.

This life's

been trip-wired

to explode

into smitereens

in my face.

Dreams plunge

headon,

onto solid ground,

the rocks await.

Reality takes control,

dreams sputter

into non existence.

Time to take,

another look.

Time to write,

another book.

Or just jump

off this cliff,

into eternity,

where some sanity

resides.

Won't it be fun,

to take that jump

with me?

1730 hrs October 20th 2005

Please do not judge me

and tell me what to do

how to think

what to say

how to react.

Don't be offended,

but I think

nobody deserves

the right

to judge

the affairs of a couple.

You heard only my side

of the story,

that is clearly

not enough.

Please understand

I've been through

so many

relationship failures,

I just can't

face another

failure.

This relationship,

have extracted

the best of me,

if I let it go,

whoever comes next,

will have

only the leftovers.

Is it so hard

to understand,

that I simply cannot

come home

to an empty house?

I just can't

face myself

alone again.

So

don't be

my judge

and jury,

just be

my friend

1720 hrs October 19th 2005

Seems like so many

around me

are undergoing

some kind

of relationship

breakdown.

So is

yours sincerely.

Might as well write down

some thoughts,

perhaps it serves

to remind myself too.

Feeling rejected?

Hurt?

Miserable?

Lonely?

Can't get through the day

without your now ex?

Step One,

Stop seeing her altogether.

If she needs to come home

to collect something,

don't be home.

Step Two,

Have absolutely

no contact.

No SMS,

No phone calls,

No emails.

How is she?

I don't know

don't want to know

and

don't care.

Step Three,

don't open

a spoilt refrigerator.

You won't have food

in it,

and the air stinks,

so don't ever consider

a reconcilation,

its a broken refrigerator,

better to get

a new one.

Step Four,

stop talking about her.

She is a ghost

in your life.

Life is meant

for the living,

not the dead.

Step Five,

by all means,

introspect

on the failed

relationship.

But stop beating

yourself up.

Learn the lessons

from the failure

and look to apply

lessons learnt.

Step Six,

Look forward,

not backwards.

You can't drive a car forward,

if you keep staring

at the rear view mirror.

Likewise,

think of all the opportunities

abound,

imagine all the fun

you will have

without being accountable

to her.

Step Seven,

pamper yourself,

buy new clothes,

have a makeover,

go to the gym,

make yourself

feel good looking.

Step Eight,

Yes, flirt

like their is no tomorrow.

Who cares?

You are not hurting

anyone.

Step Nine,

don't dive straight in

to another relationship.

Take your time

1130 hrs October 19th 2005

So its official now,

Ms X is moving out

on Oct 28th 2005.

At least she can do

one last thing for me

and buy my car airflow meter

from Germany.

All last night,

I kept singing this song

that I wrote

for that psycho Korean

4 years ago.


your love
=========

What you called Love,

was Nothing,

But Words,

written on sand,

to be washed away,

by the waves,

of the Sea.


And those Words,

Written on Sand,

They touched me,

When the sea was Calm,

Leaving me Nothing,

yes with nothing,

but the Sea.


But Nothing

is a joy itself

I love you Baby,

By wanting nothing,

Coz nothing

Sets me free.


Free to love you

Free to love you

By wanting

Nothing

1120 hrs October 18th 2005

How often,

people say,

"am happy

and in love"

Just what the fuck

have love got to do

with happiness?

Love and happiness

are mutually exclusive,

independent of

each other.

In fact,

I would say,

Love and happiness

are inversely correlated.

Because

Love

is mostly Painful.

LIke the song,

love is just

an illusion,

I'd try to forget.

Yeah right.

Let the illusions last

until it crumbles

into nothingness

and slips out

of your hand,

like trying to hold on

to fine sand.

You actually looked happy,

to leave me.

So why bother

to be friends?

I have enough

friends.

I don't need

one more.

0850 hrs October 18th 2005

Success in Life

is all about

being at

Right Place

Right Time.

Maybe you're

Right Place

Wrong Time.

Maybe I'm

Wrong Place

Right Time.

Collectively, we're

Wrong Place

Wrong Time

1400 hrs October 17th 2005

Sometimes

I don't know what's wrong

anymore

with my life.

At the age of 41,

another woman

is walking out

of my life.

My life is a fucking

common corridor,

for women

to walk in

and walk out.

I fucking give up

I fucking fucking

give up.

Or should I

just give up

fucking.

I feel like

a disposable panty,

wrong brand,

wrong size,

use and throw away.

1000 hrs October 14th 2005

Everybody who knows me,

knows that

I value

loyalty and trust.

If you give me your 100%

I will give you 120%

I hate betrayal.

I hate being betrayed

I hate the thought

of being betrayed.

Even the word betrayal

sounds horrible.

When I say it slowly,

it comes out

like vomit.

One of the most important things

I learnt in life,

is control

of my emotions.

If I cannot control

my emotions,

especially

my temper,

I'm useless.

Humans operate

on two levels,

rational

and

emotional.

Most people

let their emotions

rule

their actions.

Sometimes

I'm not sure,

if they're too lazy

to think,

or they're simply

don't have the brains

to do so.

Because if you cannot

even control yourself,

you cannot

control others.

If you cannot

control others,

you cannot

control anything

at all.

1245 hrs October 11th 2005

Think about it,

one fine day,

a long time ago.

In a paradise

called Garden of Eden.

Where you have animals

of every kind,

roaming free.

The juicest fruits abound

for you to pluck.

No police,

no crime,

no pollution,

no corruption,

no government.

Adam leaned over to Eve,

and kissed her lightly,

and whispered gently,

"Darling Eve,

here we are,

all in one with nature,

all in one with God,

we will never age,

we will never die,

we live in paradise,

all our dreams come true."

Guess what?

It ain't good enough

for Eve.

If you think Uncle Psycho here

is a woman hater,

go read your Bible.

1400 hrs October 5th 2005

Seems like every blogger

has something to say about

the terrorists attacks

in Bali.

So I'll state my

alternative view.

Big deal,

Bali 2002

JW Marriot Jakarta 2003

Australian Embassy Jakarta 2004

Bali 2005.

Its an annual thing

for the Jemaah Islamiyah

like Christmas Day

or Chinese New Year.

More interestingly,

I noted

the decreasing

casualty rate,

from 202 dead in 2002

to 22 dead in 2005.

Come on guys,

it takes 3 of you

to blow yourselves up

and kill only 22?

My pussycat can fight

better than you.

My guess is

the Jemaah Islamiyah

is weakening

as a terrorist force.

Since Hanbali and

Abu Bakr Baasyir

were arrested,

there have been

more of a nuisance

than a terror.

I only feel sorry

for the Balinese people.

Their livelihoods

will be wrecked

once again,

just when they

started recovering.

1350 hrs October 3rd 2005

Another year

has come and past

reflections of memories

on mirrored glass.

A tired sadness

my eyes behold

Another year

of heartaches untold.

Among the many things

I've learnt to fear

I lived my bitterness

in disguised tears.

I might have grown in wisdom

with strength above,

I learnt to forgive

when its hard to love.

As I put this year

into my past,

this next year

may well be my last.

Reflections of what's been

my yesterday,

is left in hope

of a brighter day.

1310 hrs October 1st 2005

Looks like the vast majority

of readers here

are either

divorced or

getting a divorce.

Maybe that is a pretty

accurate cross section

of our society anyway.

Having been down that road

perhaps I can volunteer

some advise.

Always make one final attempt

to sit down

and have a heart to heart talk,

before going to the lawyers.

Cast aside all hurt

pride and egos,

if need be,

get a professional counsellor

or a neutral mediator.

Remember, the objective

is to have a final attempt

at saving the marriage,

not to air your grievances

or explain your feelings.

Be rational

be logical

be gentle

be calm

don't be emotional

don't be abusive.

If divorce is still the only

solution, then I suggest

keep it as amicable

as possible.

Work out all the terms

and conditions,

especially financial ones.

Always make sure,

you will allow both sides

to survive.

Don't go all out

to destroy.

Just because you guys

can't be husband and wife,

does not mean you guys

cannot be friends.

Who else will know you better

than your ex?

She will be a good friend

to have.

Dehumanise this emotional process

as much as possible.

If both of you cannot talk

like adults,

then talk ONLY

through your lawyers.

Given the kind of emotional trauma

you would be going through,

trust me, the nasty things you say

will remain in the memories

forever.

Be in the company

of family and friends,

but don't bad mouth

your ex.

It only serves to reinforce

negativity

and mostly reflects badly

on yourself.

When you are being rational,

you will realise

that both sides

are EQUALLY responsible

for your marital failures,

no more no less.

Keep yourself focussed

on your career,

losing your job now

is the worse thing

that can possibly happen.

Always remember,

whatever decisions

you guys make,

have to be in the interests

of BOTH equally,

if children are involved,

the children's interests

rank above all others.

Incidences of how children

suffer

more than parents

in a divorce

are very well documented

and a very common knowledge.

For Fuck's sakes,

don't ever plunge

into another relationship

immediately.

You are in no mental state

to judge,

give yourself space and time

to recover from the emotional trauma.

Having friends around helps,

having God around helps,

having family around helps,

having a new hobby helps,

just not another partner,

it is mostly bad news

an another mistake.