1300 hrs July 28th 2005

Sometimes,

I forget

what it was like

to be young.

When all I had was you

and all you had was me.

There were no tomorrows

to bury our sorrows

because

all I had was you

and all you had was me.

Now we have pool villas

at Banyan Tree,

expensive spa treatments

pampered by tender massuers

a tranquil sanctuary

for the senses.

Instead of the thrill

of wanting to attract

a girl

to my bed,

all I want

is to feel secure

in the knowledge

that I am responsible

for your safety

and comfort.

So

whenever you go off

flirting with guys

I bemoan.

Coz

We're simply

in different stages

in Life.

1100 hrs July 28th 2005

Sometimes we look for trouble,

sometimes trouble look for us.

We mostly avoid problems,

but some of us

simply fall in love

with our problems.

We lament over

our problems.

But having a problem

or not,

is often

a conscious choice.

Some of us indulge

in self-pity,

feeling sorry

for ourselves.

Preferring to grovel

in the mud

of our problems

rather than

standing up

and enjoying

the sight

of the world

above

our mud.

But self-pity

is a real

human condition too.

But at some point,

we all have to

pick ourselves up.

And detach ourselves

from the mud

that bogs

us down.

Because

when we adjust

our perception,

elephants

can be viewed as

mosquitoes,

just as we often

allow mosquitoes

to become

elephants.

1105 hrs July 20th 2005

I've never liked playing

mind games

with the one

I love.

I play enough

mind games

in the office.

At home,

I just want

to go into

cruise control

and relax,

speak what I mean

and don't speak

what I don't mean.

But it appears

that I have

no choice.

Women

are competitive

by nature.

They stake

their egos

and self esteem

on attaining

the unattainable.

They want you

only when

you're a tough

challenge

for them.

They want you

when you belong

to someone else.

They want you

when you're

show no interest

to commit.

They want you

only when

you're wanted

by other women.

They want you

to show they

can change you

and make you

crazy

over them.

But if you're too

easy

to get.

They don't

treasure you.

Between a solid rock

of stability,

and a slithery

snake,

they prefer

to grab hold

of the snake.

To show that,

they possess

the ability

the grab

the slippery.

I did precisely that,

went out with this

Mainland Chinese accountant.

She is really pretty,

her eyelashes

seem to go on

forever.

She laughs

at everything,

with a certain

girlish charm.

Puts on little

make up,

no branded goods

whatsoever.

Does not smoke

Does not drink

Does not club.

Strikes me as someone

who will be more than happy

to stay home

and bear my children.

I quite like her

actually.

Reckon,

she is the kind of girl,

I need

at this stage

in my life.

Ms X

found her SMS

to me.

Suddenly,

an open declaration

of undying love.

Swears

that I am THE ONE

that

SHE WANTS.

Wow....

Must I open myself

to the market

to show that

I have

market value,

in order for you,

to value me?

1605 hrs July 4th 2005

I picked this verse up

from a Tibetian Buddhist script.

"To disregard oneself,

this is the best dharma.

This is the best service

To Buddha's religion.

Practicing meditation

for life is the best gift

To those sentient beings

without protection"

That suddenly hit me

between the eyes.

Therein lies

the source of my angst.

Therein lies

the cure

for my neurosis.

To disregard oneself.

Coz when I hold my own emotions

in such high priority,

I get disappointed.

If I can somehow

nullify my feelings

perhaps that is

the best dharma

1020 hrs July 4th 2005

So

you think you know

what is right

what is wrong

you think you can tell

Heaven

from Hell

Pleasure

from Pain

Devil

from Angel.

So

you think you know

where you are

where you're from

where you're going

You think you can tell

Love

from Hate

Heroes

from Ghosts

Dreams

from Nightmares

No

you don't

You don't know

where you're going

and

how to get there

You don't know

anymore.

After 2.5 years,

wrong

make that 40 years,

you're still

running

at the same old spot

covering

the same old ground

the same old fears

What have you found?

0900 hrs July 4th 2005

I'm beginning to think

of human relationships

in terms of

banking services.

When I was first attracted to you,

be it physically,

emotionally,

spiritually,

intellectually,

you've placed a large credit

of love dollars

in my heart.

Through the years,

with the things you say

and the things you do,

each time,

the large credit of love dollars

gets withdrawn.

Sometimes,

with the things you say

and the things you do,

the withdrawal of love credit

gets replenished

with more love dollars.

But as human relationship

generally drifts,

the withdrawal of love dollars

outpaces the deposits,

until it its ZERO.

Beyond ZERO,

I start to HATE you.

If we've been through long enough,

like banking relationships,

I'd extend emergency credit,

and allow you to go

into the red.

But once the credit limit is up,

I cease

and desist,

and proceed with

FORECLOSURE.

And then again,

even if the credit balance

is healthy,

people do switch accounts

to another bank,

offering better services.