1230 hrs July 31st 2004

Felt like launching

into yet another one

of my anti-love musings.

I'm beginning to think,

that love

is just not meant

to be

forever.

At most,

about a dozen years.

We've been biologically

hardwired

to fall in love

when we are young.

Because procreation

is a biological instinct.

Emotions,

in the form of

love,

is a necessity

for procreation.

Because

copulation

minus emotions

that led to

procreation,

will not provide

the offspring

with sufficient

attention.

But when a child

is about 11 or 12,

his biological instincts,

is to leave the family.

Its only today's social

and economic barriers

that caused him

to stay.

At about that time,

the love between

a couple

fades away,

if not

earlier.

When I see

a middle aged man,

attempting to court

his wife

all over again,

I usually know

what happened.

His wife was being

pursued

by another

suitor.

He maybe

all lovedovey

but

I see

bitterness

at the corners

of his mouth.

He is merely trying

to win a bit

of his

self-esteem back.

My prognosis is

it won't last long.

Once the victory is won,

there is nothing left,

once again.

The wife will bask

in the glory

of an attentive husband

for a while,

just a while.

Women like

a little bit of

competition,

but men like

to be on

auto-pilot

with their women.

And women

who remained with

their husbands,

till old age,

usually its because

for the lack

of better options.

Better options are

mostly economic.

When the love is gone,

she will ponder

what would her life

have been

if she chose

the other suitor

instead.

But she failed to realise,

that the tragedy is

the life experience

may be different,

but the end result

will be the same,

ie a loveless marriage.

It follows that

marriage without procreation,

is therefore

unnatural.

Because love

is transcient

and fleeting.

But shared parenthood

remains,

with or without

romantic love.

2240 hrs July 29th 2004

Just came back from a drama.

Mum wanted me to attend

this evangelical play

staged by her church.

She wanted it so badly,

I thought

I'd be a good son,

for once.

Was reasonably well-crafted,

some impressive showmanship,

props, lightings, music.

But

it was downright irritating

afterall.

The unabashed use of

emotional blackmail

and scare tactics.

People tend to be bribed

with promises of Heaven.

People tend to be terrified

with horrors of Hell.

The appeal of

divine salvation

against

the repulsion of

eternal damnation.

God as a Father figure

extending unconditional love

towards his children

has its innate allure.

Except that

if I were ever a father,

no matter how bad my children were

I would never send them to Hell,

if paternal love is indeed

unconditional.

The simplicity

is almost

insulting.

I believe,

if God is Omnipotent.

It follows that

He created

Evil,

as much as

He created

Goodness.

If we are created

in His image,

it follows that

we had Evil

and Goodness,

programmed

into us.

Beauty is

He gave us

a choice.

To allow our Evil

or Goodness

to manifest

in our lives.

We would then

be held accountable,

for all our

words and actions.

We've been put in this World

to live on it,

not above it.

Nonetheless,

it was a good night out

with Mum.

She was absolutely delighted

to have her son around.

It warmed my heart,

but it also

made me feel,

like a lump of dogshit,

for not doing this

more often

1210 hrs July 28th 2004

Finally back to my good old blog,

been out of action for 9 days,

that is sheer tardiness.

A lot of things happened,

had a silly fight,

with Ms X.

Thank God,

things are cool

and mellow

once again.

A young pilot

is obviously

pursuing her.

For fuck's sake,

have some respect,

for another man,

she's got a boyfriend.

For fuck's sake,

have some respect,

for your own girlfriend,

you have a girlfriend too.

For fuck's sake,

have some respect,

for yourself,

grow up

and be

a man.

As for Ms X,

I was upset,

that she did not

consider

my feelings,

when she allowed

this kid

to pursue her.

For the lack

of better words,

she was

flirting.

But then again,

why was I upset

in the first place?

Much as I want to,

I cannot be everything

to her.

If flirting around

makes her happy,

I should be happy

for her.

What hurt

was my pride.

She has me,

so she need not

flirt with others.

But like I said,

I cannot be everything

to her.

So I swallow my pride,

and things are

cool and mellow

again.

Like they said,

if you love someone,

set her free.

Yeah,  I may have

my personal history,

battle scars to show,

of a failed marriage,

when an unscrupulous

angmor,

stole my wife.

To be fair,

she allowed herself

to be stolen.

But I got to deal

with my own

insecurity.

I must not allow

Ms X to be a victim

of my failed marriage

nor my

resultant insecurity

1310 hrs July 19th 2004

This morning, she kissed me
 
whilst I was still fast asleep.
 
All dolled up,
 
in her SQ kerbaya,
 
she bent over
 
in the wee hours of the morning
 
before her flight
 
and planted a soft kiss
 
on my lips
 
whispering
 
Bye baby.
 
In my drowsy slumber,
 
it was like
 
a fantasy
 
come true.
 
The hazy line
 
between reality
 
and illusionary.
 
And then,
 
that soft tender moment
 
is gone.
 
Vapourised
 
like a romantic
 
imagery.
 
I remained blissfully
 
happy,
 
for a while,
 
until the delirium
 
was shattered,
 
as I woke
 
to the maddening
 
rush
 
of the stock markets
 
again.

1710 hrs July 16th 2004

I dunno,
 
I feel a strange disconnect,
 
with reality.
 
Life seems to
 
undulate
 
seemlessly
 
between
 
reality
 
and
 
unreality.
 
Like the ebb
 
and flow
 
of the sea.
 
Billowing waves
 
of energy,
 
forcefully
 
smashing itself
 
against
 
the unyielding
 
unaffected
 
unrelenting
 
boulders of the World, 
 
and then
 
the passion wanes
 
as the tide of life
 
graudally recedes.
 
Love is like nothing
 
but words written
 
on sand,
 
to be washed away
 
by the waves
 
of the sea,
 
leaving me
 
nothing,
 
but
 
THE SEA.
 
 

1345 hrs July 16th 2004

And old friend of mine Ms P

once told me,

Mackie, if a woman doesn't come back

after 2 weeks,

her mind been made up.

And never ever try,

once a woman's mind

been made up.

Ms P owns a girly lounge,

was a KTV hostess herself.

She knows a thing or two

about women,

and, for that matter,

men.

Seems like its against

the psychological makeup

of a woman,

to withstand a relationship

hanging in limbo,

for more than 2 weeks.

If she loves you,

she wouldn't last

2 weeks.

And when a woman decides,

she is no longer in love,

she is the most hardened,

unsentimental creature

on Earth.

It is actually easier

for a woman,

to sleep with a man,

that she

does NOT love,

than

to sleep with a man,

that she

NO LONGER loves.

Women are ruled by emotions,

Men are ruled by ego,

so says John Gray,

author of

"Men from Mars,

Women from Venus"

Frankly,

I think John Gray

got it

the other way round.

Anyway,

if men and women

are from different planents,

we are all

in very deep

trouble

1300 hrs July 14th 2004

Guys who cheat,

just what the hell

are they thinking about?

Would their women

ever forgive?

Much has been said

about the

Male Ego.

I reckon

the Female Ego

is

a whole lot bigger.

Most men will never

ever forgive their

cheating women.

How could you do

such a thing,

to hurt me?

How could you

make me feel,

like I'm not

good enough???

Nothing destroys a man

more than feeling

inadequate.

Whether its

size of penis,

or size of wallet.

Would a woman

ever forgive

a cheating man?

If she has a decent job,

and/or is attractive enough

to land another man,

she's out of your door,

quicker than a bullet.

If she stays,

she'd probably stray.

I've seen too many.

They may have kids,

or are housewives

and therefore

not many options.

But sure as hell

the attitudes changed.

She starts flirting

around,

She'd throw it in your face

at every arguement,

You cheated

she'll say.

She makes your life

a living hell,

she'd want to know

your every single movement.

And at some point,

she'd sleep

with your

best friend,

or the first angmor

that she sees

at Velvet

1220 hrs July 14th 2004

Its lunch time,

I could not sleep last night.

Finally slept at about 4 am.

Was thinking about

marital fidelity.

Strange as it may sound

HARMONY

killed my marriage.

11 years,

a beautiful ex-model wife,

adoring and doting

husband,

earning big bucks,

living in a nice house

by the sea,

exotic holidays,

expensive presents,

no fights,

small quarrels settled

in a calm

civilised manner.

What more would a woman want?

Just one,

another man.

A new challenge.

I was too easy.

She needed someone,

who gives no assurances,

no commitments,

she had to compete

to prove

something

to herself.

Can't help but notice

good guys get dumped

by their wives.

Its the arseholes

who screw around

come home drunk

smelling of female perfume

that get to keep

their marriages.

They tell me,

JEALOUSY is good

for the marriage.

Their wives have to

be on their toes,

to be attractive

or interesting

to keep

their husbands.

JEALOUSY makes their wives

treasure the marriage.

JEALOUSY makes their wives

become better lovers

in bed.

So it follows,

that women

makes love

not with their bodies,

but their egos.

2330 hrs July 12th 2004

Just had dinner with Ms D

woman of real substance.

In her relationship

with Mr R,

just enjoying

each precious moment,

for tomorrow

may never come.

Coming from a widow,

who had her life

wrenched from her

in such tragic circumstances.

I can see

her wisdom.

Why do we quarrel?

Why do we fight?

What if we die

tomorrow?

Do we want

our last memories

of our love ones,

to be that of

a bitter fight?

In most cases,

people fight

not to resolve

issues at hand,

but to express

their anger

and

to hit back.

If we bury

our differences

swallow

our pride,

most fights

are so

unnecessary.

Because we

don't choose

the day

we die.

But we can choose

to live our lives

happily.

We cannot control

the actions

of others,

but we can control

our own

reactions.

For the multitude

of things,

we love

our partners for,

why must that

one single issue

take such

prominence?

Is it that important

to win that fight?

Do we want our

last words

to our love ones

be that of

ugliness?

Lesson in Life,

is to live,

like we will die

tomorrow.

But, as a man

I must plan,

like we will live

forever.

More so,

as a man,

sometimes we cannot

avoid fights.

But it is indeed

our duty

to weather the storm

and guide the ship

to safe waters.

In doing so,

in an arguement,

take the hits

from a woman,

but be in control,

manage the process

and lead

the confrontation,

to an amicable

solution.

Come on,

a man can take

a beating anytime,

including

verbal ones.

1300 hrs July 11th 2004

Had drinks last night

with Ms M and Ms D

both single mothers.

First met them over a year ago

at the Catholic's Beginning Experience.

They were soul sisters

faced with the stark realities

of bringing up sons

entirely on their own.

Today, both are

happily attached

to their respective

boyfriends.

Both complained to me

how each have drifted

from each other.

I am saddened

by how friendship

have a natural tendency

to drift apart.

It does not even take

a quarrel

much less

a fight

for friendship

to meander aimlessly

away.

Circumstances change

people change

and the cost

is usually

the relationship

between 2 people.

Even within a marriage,

when 2 people face

the same circumstance,

the inexorable forces

of nature

cause people to change.

My ex-wife is

nothing like the

sweet 19 year old I met

and fell in love with

in 1989.

By the same token,

I'm sure I'm not

the same guy

she fell in love with

in 1989.

I would like to think

that when you love someone

you love her

through changes.

But nobody

loves

a mutation.

People change

and

usually for the worse.

Which therefore means

for 2 people

to remain together

through time,

they not only

have to change

in the same direction

but also

at the same pace.

That seems

like a bet

on a one to million

odds.

2245 hrs July 9th 2004

Thought I would like to revisit

an issue discussed

sometime back.

About the law of Demand and Supply

in human relationships.

In all fairness,

the forces of demand and supply

is probably about

equilibrium

at the time

of marriage.

Years down the road,

wife gets to meet

more dashing, debonaire

and suave men,

in the course of her job

or social circles,

and she begins to wonder

if she deserves better.

And/or

husband begins to experience

real career sucess

and money is plentiful.

Suddenly

there is no shortage

of younger

charming and

sexy women,

thowing themselves

at him,

he begins to feel

too good

for his wife.

Seems to me,

the biggest sin

in a marriage

is COMPARISON.

When one starts to compare

his or her own spouse

with others,

eventually one will come along

to make your spouse

look like a marriage

made in Hell.

Guess that is what

Jesus meant

when he said

when you look at thy neighbour's wife

with lust in your eyes,

you've already committed

adultery.

Because when you look

at your neighbour's wife

with lust,

comparisons were made,

and thus,

the sin.

1115 hrs July 7th 2004

She's got a way about her,

I don't quite know

what it is.

As she breaks

into that gentle

half smile.

As she treads

into that uncertain

half step.

Her eyes

curl into crescent shaped

half moons.

She speaks

like a girl

halfway

into womanhood.

A certain

girlish earnestness,

and

a world weary woman's

wisdom.

Like the lazy rousing sun

on a late Saturday morning,

she slips quietly

into that empty void

of my life.

But those gorgeous

brown eyes,

and

careful uncertain style,

she marked her entry

and presence

into my life

with that

full creamy whiteness.

Sometimes

I wonder,

if I imagined

all this.

The smallness

of her breathe,

the delicate waft

of her scent.

the tender caress

of her touch.

My life

has always

been a battle.

Between light

and darkness.

As soon as

warm sunshine

lands

on my skin,

Darkness

will sweep up

all remnants

of love

and joy.

Baby,

can you feel

the burning fear,

the torture

of insecurity,

the torment

of losing you?

If only,

you can hold me now,

and feel,

a little bit

of my

disquietude.

0855 hrs July 6th 2004

I often feel cursed,

born with a

high IQ.

Sure it helps

as I grasp

abstract concepts,

it enables me to

visualise

conceptualise

theorerise

hypothesise

idealise even.

But I have no clue

what people are feeling.

Right,

I have the EQ

of a lamp post.

Guys with high IQ

are like

Guys with big cocks,

they only think

they fuck better.

It does not make them

better lovers

or

better men.

Coz

you'd quickly realise,

its your IGNORANCE

that is infinite

not your KNOWLEDGE

2316 hrs July 4th 2004

Its American Independence Day,

Home of the Brave,

Land of the Free.

We forgot the effective genocide

of the Native Americans.

Ethnic cleansing wasn't invented

by the Serbians.

But you don't see the Serbians,

declaring public holiday

with fireworks and parades.

Had lunch with Mr D,

in Batam.

He has broken off

with Ms L

yet again.

Can't help but feel,

how relationships between

two people,

are often ruled

by the same

laws of demand and supply.

Rarely ever an equilibrum.

One will feel lucky,

the other feels

shortchanged.

If Economics 101 rules

in human relationships,

if follows that,

we're all in it,

for

mutual exploitation.

1250 hrs July 2nd 2004

Its strange,

guys around 40

are either

good husbands, good fathers

bad husbands, good fathers

bad husbands, bad fathers.

Well,

I'm none of the above.

What a loser.

1150 hrs July 1st 2004

SEX

is such a

powerful experience.

The urgencies,

passions,

explosions.

And then,

in the aftermath,

tender intimacy.

An hour or two,

we became

one flesh.

Sharing

the divine pleasure,

hot passion,

warm affection,

desiderate connection.

There is such a difference,

between making love,

and fucking.

In making love,

you fuck to please.

In fucking,

you fucked her good,

but you fucked yourself better.

In making love,

her pleasure

is your gratification,

her climax

is your ultimate aim.

So why do men

married or attached,

fuck around?

I gather,

it is the ILLUSION

of intimacy,

that they need,

when they're not getting it

at home,

mostly.