1542 hrs December 23th 2004

2 days before Christmas,

my 40th Christmas.

Another Christmas.

40 years

of misspent energies.

40 years

of love found

and love lost.

40 years

of money earned

and money burnt.

I won't even bother

to count

the different women

I spent Christmas with,

useless memories.

Now, all I want

is to plan my exit,

40 years later.

When I finally check out

of this world.

With a smile,

and a smartass punch line,

and sticking my middle finger up.

Up yours Life,

Up yours World,

Up yours People,

Up yours Mr God.

I came in crying,

I'll go out laughing.

1140 hrs December 16th 2004

It doesn't rain,

it pours.

Money doesn't just talk,

it shouts.

It cannot be coincidental,

that life exists only in 2 states.

Either EVERYTHING is in a state

of tranquil peace

or

EVERYTHING is in a state

of tempestuous turmoil.

EVERYTHING,

just EVERYTHING

or NOTHING.

I begin to understand

my Dad

a little better

everyday.

Like I said last week,

I begin to live his life

everyday.

And the things he said

and done,

became clearer

everyday.

In the twilight

of that man's life,

as he recollects

the bitterness

of failure,

in money, love and family.

Can I take it against him,

he reacted as bad

as the way he did?

A broken life

makes a man

vehemently resentful.

Like a festering wound,

that wouldn't heal.

No band aid plaster,

will make it prettier,

in the long run.

The gangrened wound

would reek

of vile stench.

Likewise,

no amount of rationale,

moral value,

love and consideration,

can possibly overcome

a bitter and resentful heart

at the end

of a broken life.

2330 hrs Decemberr 8th 2004

Its weird

how blood runs thicker

than water.

For years now,

I waged a cold war,

with my Dad.

Did not wanna talk to him

Did not wanna see him.

My stubborn

and childish

resilence

crumbled,

when he went missing.

I could not sleep well,

spent hours

theoririzing

hypothesizing

analyzing.

Women come and go,

friends come and go.

But Dad,

I'm stuck with just one.

A fact that I cannot change.

I did not choose him.

His blood runs through mine.

I suffered

because I hated his version

of Fatherhood.

I suffered

because I hated his idea

of Marriage.

But just who the fuck

gave me the right

to judge?

We are all shaped

by our collective life experiences,

Dad is a mere manifestation

of his life experiences.

He loved his family,

the only way he knew how,

by dedicating his entire life,

to providing for us.

What I can give him

he does not want,

what he can give me

I do not want

either.

Just when are we

going to stop

pulling each other apart?

Reconcilation

have to begin somewhere,

it might as well

be me.

I felt peace

thereafter,

because I no longer held

bad blood

with my own.

2000 hrs December 8th 2004

Daddy,

Just what was I supposed to do?

I don't know why

its so hard

to talk to you.

We could never see

eye to eye.

I wanted you

out of my life,

but yet,

always felt

that I could have done

a whole lot better.

I wished

we could turn

the pages back

to 40 years ago.

I never could

understand you.

I wished you realised

you hurt me too.

Do you know

my biggest dream,

is to have a beer

with you?

I always felt

you were selfish,

inconsiderate,

vindictive

and vicious even.

But I never lived your life,

I do not deserve to judge.

Because the things you say

are so much clearer now,

as the older I become,

I start living your life,

everyday, day after day.

You're an old man now,

I'm middle aged.

So many cruel words

have been spoken,

so many unkind deeds

have been done.

Is it too late,

to be your son?

You're a good guy Dad,

just fucked up

by Life.

Sorry it took me so long

to figure that out.

I was blinded

by my bitterness

consumed

by my resentment.

Can we have a beer together

sometime?

Just you and me,

because Daddy,

I need some help here,

and you've seen

it all.

Deep down,

I've never dared to admit,

you've always been

my hero

since I was a kid

1700 hrs November 10th 2004

Just what was I thinking of,

when I wrote the previous posting,

written during lunch time?

Guess I was thinking of

my ex-wife again.

How did I lose that one.

When I looked back,

I did not talk to her

very much.

I was much happier,

doing my work

and

found the company

of a book

more interesting

than my wife.

Poor girl,

it must have been so lonely

being married to me.

Yeah, I bought her expensive gifts,

afforded her a dream beachhouse,

expensive holidays,

branded clothes and jewellery,

tried to provide her love,

and support.

But,

I never felt the need,

to listen to her,

or anybody.

I was so caught up

in my own

career success

and my cold logic

in every situation,

never felt the need

to listen.

She felt like an accessory,

in my life,

a non-entity

in my house,

a silent partner

in my marriage.

Guess I can only blame myself,

for being so cocksure

of myself,

that I invalidated

her entire being.

With a gapping emotional void,

it is only natural,

that she ended up

in the arms

of another man.

Maybe its too late,

to say I'm sorry.

But I do wished,

she helped me change,

for the better.

1300 hrs November 10th 2004

We all have our needs,

and no one person

can fulfill everyone of them,

absolutely

no one.

If I try to substantiate them,

it would broadly be,

Emotional Needs,

Intellectual Needs,

Spiritual Needs,

Physical Needs,

Material Needs.

Try as I may,

I will never be able to fulfill

all of my partner's needs,

and vise versa.

To make matters worse,

people's needs

change through time,

contantly.

Infidelity is never

a solution.

Because affairs or flings

are short term in nature,

and they leave behind

unspeakable pain

and

irreparable damage.

I will never ever

cause this pain,

or be the cause

of this pain.

I know very well

how unbearable

it hurts.

So either,

we teach our partners

to fulfill at least part

of the void,

or we learn,

to settle

for a bit less.

So long as,

on balance,

we're generally happy.

Not necessarily

ecstatic bliss,

just happy.

Because I feel wary

when I get ravished

by delirious happiness,

only pigs in shit do that.

1530 hrs November 6th 2004

So Bush had won the US elections,

much to the dismay

of a larger part

of the world.

The best reason to vote Kerry,

is

he is not Bush.

Why do we hate Americans so much?

We do not hate Americans,

we hate your governmental foreign policy.

And unfortunately,

people are a direct product,

of the System.

We did not have a problem,

with Bill Clinton.

He is a regular cool dude,

fun loving even.

With Bush,

it is more like,

Fuck you,

fuck your family

and your dog too.

You don't like me?

Bang, one bullet in your fucking head.

Now who else do not like me?

America was born

as a country of lofty ideals.

It grew big and strong,

on pursuing the right thing

to do.

It has unfortunately mutated,

into one big self-centred,

self-serving,

egocentric

sonofabitch.

And Bush represents

all that we hate

in America,

he actually

perpeptuates that.

And now that he has

a ringing endorsement

of the people,

you can extrapolate

why we hate America.

We do not hate America,

because you are rich.

Heck, there is Japan,

Switzerland and Germany

to hate

for being rich.

We do not hate America,

for your freedom,

Heck there are the Scandinavian countries,

of Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Finland,

or European countries like

Holland, Italy, Belgium,

who have far more freedom.

We hate America,

for your attitude.

Just that a small group,

take it to the extreme,

and decided,

to teach you a lesson,

from time to time.

1700 hrs November 2nd 2004

When I make an honest assessment of my Life,

there are few things of importance

right now that matters,

at the moment.

I have a well paying job,

with bosses who think of me

as indispensable,

and subordinates who think

highly of me,

I have a promising business venture,

with a partner who is trustworthy,

loyal and highly intelligent,

I have a gorgeous girlfriend,

who actually laughs

at my jokes,

and misses my nonsense,

whenever she is on flight.

I have a Mum,

who adores me

like I am still a kid.

I have expensive hobbies

that I could actually afford,

How many people actually have

a boat and a sportscar?

Whilst I won't take back my statement

that God really hates the world,

He indeed does.

But I reckon He loves me,

and only me alone.

0900 hrs November 1st 2004

The idea of the Original Sin,

was initiated by St Paul.

I'd like to think of Homosexuality

as a sin one is born with,

where one goes against

his own creation,

and therefore by default,

his Creator.

Makes me wonder,

if St Paul is really

a gay.

The other Original Sin,

is probably Stupidity,

which is far more

all encompassing.

Stupidity breeds stupidity,

and it multiplies

like bacteria.

A couple of Days ago,

I wrote of what I wanted.

Perhaps it would be easier,

to write of what I do not want.

I hate Transactional Worship,

Christians scrounging God for blessings,

in exchange for worship.

The Church is the biggest

commercial enterprise

in the World.

I hate Immoral Commerce,

businessmen who conducts

business for money

at all costs,

including human ones.

I hate Unprincipled Politics,

politicians who would

kill even,

to remain in power.

I hate Guiltless Pleasure,

pleasure seekers who pursue

gratification,

without remorse

or sensitivity.

And,

in being with

rich old man's daughter

Ms X,

and constantly

having my personality measured

in dollars and cents,

I hate Easy Money.

2300 hrs October 31st 2004

Don't you find it strange,

how Christians in particular,

wallow in victimhood?

It's like every adversity in Life,

is the Devil's persecution,

of God's people.

And they retreat

into this Godly sanctuary

called the Church

or House of God,

and exchange sad stories

of how they have been victimised

for their faith,

and how the Devil

is putting them into a severe test

of their faith.

I think it would be too easy

for the Devil.

None of these Christians

would have stood a chance.

Been watching the Halocaust

with Ms X.

Makes me thing that Hitler's

murder of 6 million Jews,

is clearly not enough.

All throughout the Bible,

were documented events

of how the Jews

slaughtered and exterminated

non-Jews or Gentiles

as we are called.

One genocide deserves

another.

Up till today,

Jewish atrocities

in Palestine and

West Bank,

go as justification,

for the Halocaust.

For people whose God,

drove humankind

out of Heaven,

because Eve succumbed

to the temptation of eating

from the Tree of Knowledge,

we're all paying

for the sins

of that bitch's

quest for knowledge.

Christians call that

God of Love.

Some love.

1220 hrs October 27th 2004

Strange,

3 weeks into my 40th year.

I feel mildly mellow,

kinda anti-climatic.

Begin to think quite alot

about Life.

A Purposeful Life,

is precisely that,

living with a purpose.

Might as well write mine

for the record.

You got to know where you're going,

otherwise you won't know

how to get there,

you might not even know

when you got there.

I aim to touch the lives

of everyone

around me,

with my life.

As I walk my Life's path,

I want to light up candles

along the way.

To do that,

in today's world,

I need money.

Lots of money.

So I'll work hard

at helping others

help themselves.

If I give a hungry man a fish,

he will have one meal.

But if I give a hungry man a fish,

and a net,

he won't be hungry again.

Therein lies my challenge,

to create as many nets

as possible.

So off I go,

there is much to do.

1130 hrs October 21th 2004

What do I want in a woman?

OK, here's some of my wish list,

that I sure as hell ain't gonna get,

not in today's English speaking world

anyway.

Loyalty,

I value loyalty

above everything else.

I'd like a woman

who will stand by me,

through thick and thin,

better or worse.

I'd want someone to

defend my name

even with family members.

She'd be ready

to go to war

with me,

and take on

any obstacle

that Life presents.

Moral support,

I need that from a woman.

Someone who pushes me

to the limits

of my potential

in her own gentle way,

I don't mean

a nagger.

Encourage me,

without breaking

my spirit

or putting me down.

Inspiration,

I want to turn to my woman

for inspiration.

Someone who makes me think

at a deeper level

and makes me

want to be

a better man.

Sacrifice,

I want a woman

who will sacrifice

things that matter to her

because

I matter more.

Tender loving care,

no man can function

without that.

Sometimes,

Life can suck

real bad.

Rough day at work,

business is bleak,

investments turn sour.

Nothing beats

the tender touch

of a loving woman,

I would feel

recharged,

energised again.

Because

I become purposeful

again.

I've stopped doing things

for myself

a long time ago,

I'm doing it

for her.

1300 hrs October 18th 2004

Spent the weekend

in Batam again.

This time a real

eye-opening experience.

Met a frightfully smart

3 year old Sundanese girl.

She is everything I want

in a daughter.

Doting,

pampering,

mollycoddling,

affectionate.

I just had to indulge,

bought her a teddy bear

and a rag doll.

Breaks my heart

to think,

her probable future

is either

a domestic maid,

or a prostitute.

Even more shocking,

when I sent her home.

Parent's live in a plywood hut,

with no furniture,

just a floor space,

no bigger

than my storeroom.

They cook there,

they eat there,

they shit there,

they sleep there,

they fuck there.

Right next to

a construction yard.

Anytime now,

their home will be

razed down,

to build a new building.

And the family,

will have to find

a new plot of land,

and start over.

Such is a squatter's existence.

It makes me want,

to make a difference,

in the lives,

of such people.

It makes me want,

to aim for a higher purpose,

in my business venture.

Perhaps commercial considerations

is the chief overriding factor,

but I would want

my company

to have social responsibilities

as well.

I would provide for my employees,

employment that pays reasonably well,

accomodation with modern amenities,

food that nourishes health,

education to secure a future

for their children,

a benign boss

that provides

a decent communal life,

within company premises,

such that the well being

of the company

is in everyone's

interests.

I feel energised,

just visualising it.

0200 hrs October 15th 2004

I can't sleep

Everything seems to be

in a state of flux.

The flame on my lighter

may appear as a constant fire,

but it is not,

but a stream of burning gas.

I am not

what I was

10 years ago,

and will certainly not

be what I am,

10 years from now.

I am probably a master

in dealing with changes,

such is my professional training

over 18 years.

Why am I paralysed

with inertia,

in matters

of the heart?

The harder I try,

the worse it gets.

My happiest times

were

when I never really needed

to try.

I am not what she wants,

therein lies the seed of

her constant angst.

That is a oft repeated

and documented

statement.

Just that

in the absence

of better alternatives,

the path of least resistance

is mostly

status quo.

Do I want

to be the lesser option?

Just who is bullshitting who?

But I never liked

to play God

in such matters,

its a matter of

personal integrity,

I won't cause hurt,

even if

my personal happiness

is at stake.

It is the kind of decision,

I can never make.

1630 hrs October 14th 2004

Got to know a new friend,

Ms E from the land down under.

Thought it would be apt

to welcome her to Singapore,

with a little bit of insight.

The Singapore government

has the right to arrest and detain anyone,

without trial,

a blantant disregard for

the Universal Law of Human Rights.

Singaporeans generally live in a climate

of political fear.

We have our own self-styled KGB

called ISD or

Internal Security Department.

Any public gathering of more than 5 persons

is outlawed,

which makes public protests

impossible.

Our media, TV, radio and newspapers

are government owned.

We are ranked 144th in press freedom,

just 22 notches above

North Korea.

General elections here

are under the direct control,

of the Prime Minister,

no independent election commissions,

like Zimbabwe.

We also have the dubious honour

of having the highest executions rate

in the world.

The government files defamation suits

against its critics,

thereby bankrupting them.

The wealth of the country,

about $250 billion is

effectively in the hands

of one family.

There are no laws

that protect the privacy of

the individual.

The police admitted

they hacked into home computers,

in the name of IT security.

There is also a law against

political talk

via SMS

during election time.

The poorest 10% of the population earns

$61 a month,

the prime minister earns $154,000 a month.

The middle class

is doomed to hardship,

at retirement age,

his flat will consist 75%

of his networth,

as opposed to 20%

recommended by any financial planner.

We have the highest elderly suicide rate

in the world,

in a society with no compassion,

the young do not have the means

to take care of the elderly.

Minister Mentor reaffirmed NO

to suggestions of using the country's reserves

to subsidise elderly health care.

He probably thinks,

the country's savings

is his

and his alone.

16,000 households

could not afford utility bills.

2000 houseeholds

could not afford children education.

We averaged 400 suicides a year,

thats about one

daily.

We expect

the highest economic growth rate

in Asia this year,

overtaking even China,

but unemployment

hovers around around 4.5%.

Since I mentioned North Korea and Zimbabwe,

thought it would be noteworthy,

that Kim Jong Il does his banking,

and Robert Mugabe does his shopping

in Singapore.

Dictators sure flock together

0940 hrs October 4th 2004

Well,

I've finally turned 40

yesterday.

Took me a long time

to get here.

View ain't pretty,

looks like a long downhill

from here.

But I ain't

going down that hill.

I'm taking another route.

Can't see very far,

but looks like mountains ahead

to climb,

and fall.

But by nature,

I am both an adventurer

and risk taker.

Why bother taking the known route,

when it's going down?

Let's take the unknown route,

it may well take me,

to higher heights.

Turning 40 seems significant,

Moses led the Isrealites out of Egypt,

and they wandered in the wilderness,

for 40 years,

before they reached,

the Promised Land.

Anyone can tell you,

it takes less than a month,

to walk from Egypt to Isreal.

Looks to me that they wandered

around the Promised Land,

for 40 years,

without knowing,

they're already in the

Promised Land.

Henceforth, my question,

what if the Life we are leading,

is already Heaven,

but we just didn't know it?

It's all a matter of perception.

Perception is afterall,

your immediate

Reality.

Like the thrillseeker,

on a rollercoaster ride.

He enjoys the highs,

as much as the lows.

He reaches back to the same spot,

shaken

but not stirred.

So there I go again,

into my rollercoaster ride.

Not knowing what to expect,

but going to enjoy it,

nonetheless.

With a full time job,

and a side line business

to run.

With my parents to support,

and Ms X to protect and provide,

and a set of value systems to guide.

That my words and actions,

are observed and recorded,

and one day I would

be held accountable,

as I lay down

the straight and

undeviating

line of conduct,

as I pursue

the 2nd chapter

in my Life.

Life in its 2nd edition,

revised

and improved.

0130 hrs September 27th 2004

Just got back from Bangkok,

always felt a strange sense of homecoming,

whenever I go there.

Something sure is brewing,

in the equity derivatives market,

and I hope to be placed

to capture it,

when it comes.

Maybe, finally an expat posting

in Bangkok,

is on the cards.

It is always nice,

to have options in Life.

Mine has been

a rollercoaster ride.

It is my choice,

whether I want too view myself

as a victim in Life,

or

a thrillseeker

on a rollercoaster ride,

enjoying BOTH

the highs

and

the lows.

In retrospect,

NOTHING

and

NOBODY

ever belonged to me.

Nothing is permanent,

said Buddha,

especially Love,

if I may add.

So when Love comes knocking,

I will savour each moment,

like I will die tomorrow,

because it's sure as hell,

ain't permanent,

because Love,

sure makes Life's lows

all seem

worthwhile.

2200 hrs September 21st 2004

So its coming to the end

of ex-wife's birthday.

I've celebrated it,

with booze and smokes,

plus some pointless reminicsing.

Perhaps we'd talk a little bit

about love tonight.

Loving a woman,

got to be an act

of Total Surrender.

Of Complete

Unconditional and

Irrevocable Acceptance.

Like the Billy Joel song,

I'd take the good times,

I'd take the bad times,

I'd take you

Just the way you are.

We miss the point,

when we shed tears,

and say,

I'm suffering

for a love that is not

worth it.

Worth what?

We suffer because

we feel,

that we give

more than we receive.

We suffer because

we think,

that our love is going

unappreciated.

We suffer because

we are unable,

to determine

the eventual outcome

of our love.

We suffer because,

we realise

that our love is

not enough.

But therein lies

the seed

of spiritual growth.

Because love is not

about give and take.

Giving and taking

is a commercial transaction

of mutual exploitation.

Love is

Give and Give.

When you find joy

in giving,

and not expecting anything

in return.

It is madness,

but an insanity

I truly enjoy.

Because when I love,

I've conquered myself,

I've conquered my selfishness,

I've conquered my selfcentric demands,

I've conquered my innermost fears.

When I've conquered,

I shall fear no loss.

Because really,

there is no more

downside.

1345 hrs September 21st 2004

Don't you think

its strange,

that water,

which is

colourless,

tasteless,

odourless,

totally unspectacular

and ordinary,

and yet,

it is so important,

to our survival?

There must be a moral

somewhere,

but can't think of it.

It is my ex-wife's 35th birthday.

I actually remembered her 21st

quite vividly.

Rented a boat,

bought food and drinks,

invited her closest friends,

and threw her a surprise.

She was stunned

into tears.

The party cost me $500,

was like alot of money then.

I wonder how is she,

if she is alright,

who is she with,

if he is treating her right.

Guess she is not mine

to care

anymore.

But can't help thinking

about her,

all day.

But memories are meant

for the dead.

Peace resides

in the cemetry.

I shan't live in

could have beens

might have beens

should have beens

would have beens.

But for today,

I'd just wish her the best,

in my heart,

afterall,

she was once

mine.

2120 hrs September 18th 2004

I don't understand why

the general perception is

that God

loves the world.

If anything,

all evidences point to

that God

really hates the world.

I don't understand why

we begin our prayers with

God,

I have sinned against you.

It really should be

God,

you have sinned against me.

In the Bible's Book of Job,

God had a wager

with the Devil.

Job who loved God the most,

had his business destroyed,

his family killed,

his body afflicted with disease.

After Job complained bitterly,

did God restored him,

a new business,

a new family,

a healthy body.

Christians called that

an Act of Grace

by God.

For the sake of a bloody bet

with the Devil,

God killed Job's family.

Murderous motherfucker.

1800 hrs September 18th 2004

15 days

I will turn 40

I don't know how I will feel

on that day,

but I do know

right now,

that I am crippled

with fear.

Once upon a time,

when I wore

a younger man's clothes,

I was positive,

dynamic,

forward looking.

I thought I could

control my life,

chart my course,

influence my emotions.

Now,

almost 40 years later,

having been in prison,

admitted in a psychiatric ward,

survived a life threatening disease,

climbed the corporate ladder,

became a millionaire,

and lost it.

Been through the

emotional and financial devastation

of a divorce.

Experienced true love,

3 times,

and seen how romantic love,

mutate into a little more than

platonic love.

Used to think,

I'd turn 40,

with all guns blazing,

saying Holy Shit! What a ride,

this Life have been!

Now, I'm not so sure

anymore.

I'm turning 40,

by threading carefully,

a little uncertain,

a little unconfident,

but mostly scared.

1600 hrs September 15th, 2004

Saw Shawshank Redemption on VCD

with Ms X.

Had to prove to her,

that contrary to her beliefs,

I actually enjoy movies,

but only good movies.

Suddenly reminded me of

Anwar Ibrahim.

Released from prison,

a really sick man.

I like his pro-democracy leanings

but have to say,

he almost destroyed Malaysia.

Mahathir saved Malaysia

by declaring Anwar a homo

and put him in prison.

It should be an international law,

that any finance minister caught

suscribing to the International Monetary Fund,

should indeed be declared a homo,

and put in prison.

The Asian crisis

was a result of

disruptive capital outflow.

No economy,

especially emerging market economies,

should ever be reliant,

on speculative capital flows.

It is like,

pumping a person

with steriods,

and then a sudden

cold turkey.

I am a financial markets trader,

I know how money moves,

from asset to asset,

from market to market.

It moves as a herd,

as has the intelligence

of its lowest common denominator.

And IMF's austerity measures,

makes things worse.

Devaluing the currency,

jacking up interest rates,

removal of energy subsidies,

tightening credit,

standard IMF remedies.

Its like throwing a book

on learning to swim,

to a drowning man.

Results are usually ugly.

Recall of massive bank loans,

leads to loan defaults,

bank runs,

drying up of liquidity.

And the dominoes continue

to fall.

Stock market crashes,

currency collapses,

real estate plunges.

And in the case of Indonesia,

social revolt.

Now that Anwar has been released,

the hope is he has,

been successfully rehabilitated,

from IMF doctrines

1340 hrs September 9th, 2004

"Those who content themselves

with limited provender,

submitting themselves

before Allah's will,

shall find even

a few good deeds

of theirs

sufficient for divine approval."

So said Prophet Muhammad.

OK, it is a known fact,

that Muslims are the poorest

ethnonationality

per capita,

in the world.

Hence, the limited provender part.

BUT

Chechen muslims

killing Russian schoolkids,

Iman Samudra writing his autobiography,

justifying the Bali bombing,

unrepentant about killing Americans

and Australians,

and just this morning,

6 people killed

in a massive car bomb

outside the Australian Embassy

in Jakarta,

timing the killings,

with the coincidental printing

of his book.

Bet the dead are fellow

Indonesian Muslims too.

Not to mention 9-11,

or Jakarta Marriot Hotel,

or beheadings at Iraq.

Just what does that,

have to do with

good deeds and

Allah's divine approval?

Religion

got to be the greatest

brainwash

of them all

1230 hrs September 9th 2004

I'm beginning to conclude,

the ultimate purpose in Life,

is to experience orgasms.

Everything else in Life,

seems subordinate.

When you can't compete

for Singaporean girls,

you go down market,

in China, Vietnam or Batam.

Although I would also argue,

going for foreign girls is often

going up market rather than down.

Because I had better conversations

with my Korean ex, Japanese ex, Thai ex, Mainland ex,

and of course Ms X representing Indo current,

than ever with my Singaporean ex.

Better conversations invariably lead

to better sex.

At the danger of being nihilist,

of ignoring the emotional dependency

of love,

of relegating the sweet intimacy

of companionship,

it all leads back

to experiencing orgasms.

Because the ultimate pleasure,

in Life,

is the orgasm.

Now before I am accused,

of thinking

with my dickhead,

let me define

that orgasms are largely

divided into its physiological

and perhaps more importantly,

psychological components.

Physiological is easy enough,

orgasm as a result of

overworking

the penis.

Psychological is

the unknown quality.

But then again,

psychology is merely

a biochemical expression

of emotion.

Surely, that can be

replicated

synthetically.

So if I can take a happy pill,

plus a hard on pill,

just why the hell,

do I need a wife?

1300 hrs September 8th 2004

Been 3 weeks

since I could last collect

my thoughts.

Alot have happened,

in my life.

Started up a new company,

PT RODA MAKMUR,

with Mr D,

a discount store

in Batam,

hoping to be

a Wal-Mart

one day.

Find out what people need,

and sell it to them.

It's frightening,

coming to an end

of one career,

and beginning

a brand new one.

At my age,

I could not afford

to fail.

There can be

no recovery.

Time is no longer

on my side.

It's like jumping,

from one rooftop,

to another.

It's a long way down,

if I slip.

And there maybe

no way back up.

With the benefit of

some corporate experience,

management skills,

business acumen,

financial capital,

a whole lot of luck,

guess I might stand

some pretty good chances

of success.

1230 hrs August 18th 2004

Mr Lee Kuan Yew

Minister Mentor

quoted in the Shit Times

with reference to Tian An Men

"If I have to shoot 200,000 students

to save China

from another 100 years of disorder,

so be it"

I hate to think

of what he is

mentoring

our Prime Minister.

As far as I remembered in 1989,

the students were demonstrating,

as a result of China's austerity measures,

to cool a overheating economy.

It was the result of

economic mismanagement,

that further resulted

in currency devaluation

of the Renminbi

in 1994.

The killing of students

in Tian An Men,

was not to restore order

in China,

but the Communist Party's

brutal attempt

to retain power

in the hands of the

incompetent and corrupted,

at the expense

of thousands of students'

lives.

If that is the way our

government views

Tian An Men,

it only tells you

how much they value

human lives

for the sake of

keeping power

in PAP.

1800 hrs August 16th 2004

A friend of mine Ms E commented,

"You deserve better than this"

with regards to my relationship

with Ms X.

I find it strange that every well meaning friend

always say that.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.

Deserve better than WHAT???

Just what if

this is as good

as it can ever get???

I think therein lies the problem with relationships,

when we think we deserve better,

we expect more.

And expectations is always

the start of disappointments.

So it follows,

if I have ZERO expectations,

I would have NO disappointments.

Thus,

I tell myself

You are one dumb ugly fuck

this is as good as it can get

You do NOT deserve any better

just appreciate what you have

and learn to deal with it.

Have no expectations

and everything is a blessing.

Expectations of deserving better,

will only lead to taking things for granted,

and disappointments.

Capice? Stupid and Ugly motherfucker?

2140 hrs August 15th 2004

I'm down with

cursed flu.

I really should not have allowed

Mr J to show up at work,

when he was down.

I should have put my foot down

and chased him home.

Damned, it ruined my weekend

with Ms X.

But at least,

I could see how Ms X,

tenderly cared for me,

feeding me with medicine,

and oatmeal cereal,

as I slumped into

a 19 hour sleep.

Mrs O sent me an SMS

said she was at a loss of words

reading my life experiences

on this blog.

Yeah, its true,

that my life is indeed

somewhat colourful.

I've been dealt with cards,

I didn't like.

But deal away Mister God,

for I am determined to play

Your cards,

best to my ability.

Even if I lose,

I have resolved,

to enjoy

this Game of Life,

nonetheless.

So show me Your Hand,

Mister God,

for I will play

Your Cards,

in ways

that You,

as my Creator

will be proud.

Speaking of which,

if my life

is a deck of cards,

then I think,

of my love life,

as just a book,

my book.

With each failed romance,

it is no more than

another chapter,

even if the book

has a bad ending,

I will enjoy

the reading part,

no more no less.

Just another chapter.

Some are more enjoyable

and meaningful

than the others.

Some, I can't wait

for the chapter to end,

sometimes more so.

Because,

with some humility,

EVERYONE I meet

in Life,

is my TEACHER.

1500 hrs August 13th 2004

When you strip society bare

of all its anthropological pretense,

of love and commitment,

of responsibility and fidelity,

until death do us fart,

we live in a zoological hierarchy.

Rich guys get the most beautiful girls,

the most beautiful girls get the richest guys.

In zoology,

we seek the best genetic material

to perpetuate our species.

If that is true,

then it follows that,

I should be able to appraise

the value of my sperm cells,

like I quantify the fair value

of a corporation.

However,

the positions of men and women

are not uniform across the world.

In Western societies,

material considerations

play a significantly lesser role,

than in Asia.

Which explains why,

is a white guy coming to Asia,

single and unattached,

for all he's worth probably

could not land a date

in his country

because he could

hardly compete

is yet

ranked so highly

in Asia.

But here in affluent Singapore?

Where white guys seem to wait

over 30 years

remaining single

and unattached,

so to be inunated

with local SPGs.

Either we're an island of prostitutes

like Batam,

where anything foreign is better

or

we're really a Third World society

afterall,

like Batam.

2200 hrs August 9th 2004

The theme for Singapore's 39th National Day

"A PROGRESSIVE SOCIETY"

Just what is outgoing PM Goh talking about?

Just what is the defination of "a progressive society"?

In my travels and observations,

perhaps I can volunteer an answer.

Progressive societies tend to embrace

broad and liberal mindedness

and tolerance.

Progressive societies tend to favour

civil liberties and social progress.

Progressive societies tend to be ahead

of trends and norms without discarding

cultural identities and values.

Are we broad and liberal minded?

Tow the official PAP line,

or you get squashed.

PM Goh promised a "consultative government".

He had 14 years to create one,

but he got bribed into shutting up,

with his million dollar salary.

He said last year,

he felt our pain.

But proceeded with CPF cuts

while still pays himself S$6000

a day.

Do we have civil liberties?

We do not have the freedom of speech

nor right to assemble.

Political debates were stifled

with huge defamation suits.

A progressive society recognises

that defamation is an integral part

of political debate

and therefore lawsuits

are capped.

John Kerry and George Bush

would be suing each other's pants off

if they were living in Singapore.

They defammed,

and let the people decide.

That is a progressive society.

Here, the government thinks

and talks,

on the people's behalf,

except that it's the peoples' voices

that were never heard,

just the Ruling Elite.

The newspapers and TV,

remained

the government's propaganda machine.

They never reported,

that here in sunny Singapore,

we have the highest elderly suicide rate

in the WORLD.

Some progressive society.

A progressive society is gracious,

ours is harsh and mean.

The highest execution rate per capita

in the WORLD.

Detention without trial,

a blantant disregard for

United Nations Human Rights Declaration.

Our people are generally

rude and obnoxious.

No room at all

for dissent

of any form.

Democracy will be chaotic

and destablise

our multi-racial society

they say.

Like as though,

by giving people

a voice,

would turn them into

wild lunatics.

6 people protested

the Iraqi War

outside the US Embassy,

got arrested.

Whilst millions round the globe

marched their demonstrations

in London, New York, Paris, Frankfurt, Sydney.

Are we ahead of trends and norms?

In being ahead,

one have to challenge current norms.

In order to challenge,

one have to be creative.

Creativity flourishes best

in a democratic environment.

Where you dare

to be different.

We've been bludgeoned

into following our leaders

with blind faith.

It has been set

into our psyche.

And when we have no creativity,

they bring in the foreign talent.

They tell us,

our unemployment rate

remains at 4.5%.

Pick any 10 of your old classmates,

and you'd find unemployment rate

closer to 10% -20%

Most have given up,

finding a job.

Talk to any random group of Singaporens

in their late 20s to 40s.

You'd find a generation of people,

who worked their lives,

in chase of the Singaporean dream,

only to be disillusioned

and disenfranchised

with our system

and society.

Ironically,

its the younger ones,

fresh out of school

or working just a few years,

that actually think,

they're really lucky

to be born Singaporean.

No other place on Earth,

can you find this phenomenon,

of docile youth

and angry middle aged.

Such is the complete efficiency

of this brain laundry.

When I hear little children

recite the National Pledge,

"to build a democratic society,

based on justice and equality"

I laugh,

we have all been

short changed.

And it hurts,

only when I laugh.

1000 hrs August 9th 2004

Just got back

from Shanghai.

First thing I noticed,

coming in from the airport,

are all the new condos

at Pudong.

Impressive,

but less than half sold.

The developers are racing

towards a property crisis.

When their bank loans

are not translating into

condo sales.

Soon, they will default.

And a banking crisis

will erupt,

exploding the economy.

When a country

pursues expensive self glorification projects,

ignoring economic realities,

it always gets ugly.

The Pearl TV Tower

is a case in point,

towering above

HuangPu River,

like a nightmarish appendage

from Terminator II

or Alien III.

Billions spent on

the high speed super bullet train,

airport to town,

in 8 minutes flat.

But ticket charge

is a mere RMB30.

Its gonna take them

about 500 years

to breakeven

running full capacity.

Average worker wage

about RMB2000 a month

in Shanghai,

and a beer costs

RMB45.

A social crisis

will flare.

I believe

China will collapse first

before it becomes

a world economic

powerhouse.

Just like

no commercial monopoly

ever becomes

efficient,

neither can

political monopolies.

On Singapore's 39th national day,

it's time we remember that,

as our political leaders

make one costly mistake

after another.

Nonetheless,

I stood

at the mouth

of YangTze River

pondering the waters

that gave rise

to the Chinese race.

In a city,

that once humiliated

its people.

No dogs and Chinese

allowed.

Shanghai,

China's prostitute.

Always been,

and always

will be.

1700 hrs August 4th 2004

I won't blame you

for leaving me,

if I lose my job,

become really poor,

and don't even

have the ability

to look after myself

let alone you.

I won't blame you,

for deserting me,

when my luck

takes a turn

for the worse,

when each new day

seems worse

than the previous.

I won't blame you

for the abandonment,

because I'm lost,

middle aged

and unemployable.

BUT

if I make it really good,

and have all the money

you ever dreamt,

plus all the 5 or 6 Cs

you ever craved,

just why the fuck

should I stay?

1230 hrs July 31st 2004

Felt like launching

into yet another one

of my anti-love musings.

I'm beginning to think,

that love

is just not meant

to be

forever.

At most,

about a dozen years.

We've been biologically

hardwired

to fall in love

when we are young.

Because procreation

is a biological instinct.

Emotions,

in the form of

love,

is a necessity

for procreation.

Because

copulation

minus emotions

that led to

procreation,

will not provide

the offspring

with sufficient

attention.

But when a child

is about 11 or 12,

his biological instincts,

is to leave the family.

Its only today's social

and economic barriers

that caused him

to stay.

At about that time,

the love between

a couple

fades away,

if not

earlier.

When I see

a middle aged man,

attempting to court

his wife

all over again,

I usually know

what happened.

His wife was being

pursued

by another

suitor.

He maybe

all lovedovey

but

I see

bitterness

at the corners

of his mouth.

He is merely trying

to win a bit

of his

self-esteem back.

My prognosis is

it won't last long.

Once the victory is won,

there is nothing left,

once again.

The wife will bask

in the glory

of an attentive husband

for a while,

just a while.

Women like

a little bit of

competition,

but men like

to be on

auto-pilot

with their women.

And women

who remained with

their husbands,

till old age,

usually its because

for the lack

of better options.

Better options are

mostly economic.

When the love is gone,

she will ponder

what would her life

have been

if she chose

the other suitor

instead.

But she failed to realise,

that the tragedy is

the life experience

may be different,

but the end result

will be the same,

ie a loveless marriage.

It follows that

marriage without procreation,

is therefore

unnatural.

Because love

is transcient

and fleeting.

But shared parenthood

remains,

with or without

romantic love.

2240 hrs July 29th 2004

Just came back from a drama.

Mum wanted me to attend

this evangelical play

staged by her church.

She wanted it so badly,

I thought

I'd be a good son,

for once.

Was reasonably well-crafted,

some impressive showmanship,

props, lightings, music.

But

it was downright irritating

afterall.

The unabashed use of

emotional blackmail

and scare tactics.

People tend to be bribed

with promises of Heaven.

People tend to be terrified

with horrors of Hell.

The appeal of

divine salvation

against

the repulsion of

eternal damnation.

God as a Father figure

extending unconditional love

towards his children

has its innate allure.

Except that

if I were ever a father,

no matter how bad my children were

I would never send them to Hell,

if paternal love is indeed

unconditional.

The simplicity

is almost

insulting.

I believe,

if God is Omnipotent.

It follows that

He created

Evil,

as much as

He created

Goodness.

If we are created

in His image,

it follows that

we had Evil

and Goodness,

programmed

into us.

Beauty is

He gave us

a choice.

To allow our Evil

or Goodness

to manifest

in our lives.

We would then

be held accountable,

for all our

words and actions.

We've been put in this World

to live on it,

not above it.

Nonetheless,

it was a good night out

with Mum.

She was absolutely delighted

to have her son around.

It warmed my heart,

but it also

made me feel,

like a lump of dogshit,

for not doing this

more often

1210 hrs July 28th 2004

Finally back to my good old blog,

been out of action for 9 days,

that is sheer tardiness.

A lot of things happened,

had a silly fight,

with Ms X.

Thank God,

things are cool

and mellow

once again.

A young pilot

is obviously

pursuing her.

For fuck's sake,

have some respect,

for another man,

she's got a boyfriend.

For fuck's sake,

have some respect,

for your own girlfriend,

you have a girlfriend too.

For fuck's sake,

have some respect,

for yourself,

grow up

and be

a man.

As for Ms X,

I was upset,

that she did not

consider

my feelings,

when she allowed

this kid

to pursue her.

For the lack

of better words,

she was

flirting.

But then again,

why was I upset

in the first place?

Much as I want to,

I cannot be everything

to her.

If flirting around

makes her happy,

I should be happy

for her.

What hurt

was my pride.

She has me,

so she need not

flirt with others.

But like I said,

I cannot be everything

to her.

So I swallow my pride,

and things are

cool and mellow

again.

Like they said,

if you love someone,

set her free.

Yeah,  I may have

my personal history,

battle scars to show,

of a failed marriage,

when an unscrupulous

angmor,

stole my wife.

To be fair,

she allowed herself

to be stolen.

But I got to deal

with my own

insecurity.

I must not allow

Ms X to be a victim

of my failed marriage

nor my

resultant insecurity

1310 hrs July 19th 2004

This morning, she kissed me
 
whilst I was still fast asleep.
 
All dolled up,
 
in her SQ kerbaya,
 
she bent over
 
in the wee hours of the morning
 
before her flight
 
and planted a soft kiss
 
on my lips
 
whispering
 
Bye baby.
 
In my drowsy slumber,
 
it was like
 
a fantasy
 
come true.
 
The hazy line
 
between reality
 
and illusionary.
 
And then,
 
that soft tender moment
 
is gone.
 
Vapourised
 
like a romantic
 
imagery.
 
I remained blissfully
 
happy,
 
for a while,
 
until the delirium
 
was shattered,
 
as I woke
 
to the maddening
 
rush
 
of the stock markets
 
again.

1710 hrs July 16th 2004

I dunno,
 
I feel a strange disconnect,
 
with reality.
 
Life seems to
 
undulate
 
seemlessly
 
between
 
reality
 
and
 
unreality.
 
Like the ebb
 
and flow
 
of the sea.
 
Billowing waves
 
of energy,
 
forcefully
 
smashing itself
 
against
 
the unyielding
 
unaffected
 
unrelenting
 
boulders of the World, 
 
and then
 
the passion wanes
 
as the tide of life
 
graudally recedes.
 
Love is like nothing
 
but words written
 
on sand,
 
to be washed away
 
by the waves
 
of the sea,
 
leaving me
 
nothing,
 
but
 
THE SEA.
 
 

1345 hrs July 16th 2004

And old friend of mine Ms P

once told me,

Mackie, if a woman doesn't come back

after 2 weeks,

her mind been made up.

And never ever try,

once a woman's mind

been made up.

Ms P owns a girly lounge,

was a KTV hostess herself.

She knows a thing or two

about women,

and, for that matter,

men.

Seems like its against

the psychological makeup

of a woman,

to withstand a relationship

hanging in limbo,

for more than 2 weeks.

If she loves you,

she wouldn't last

2 weeks.

And when a woman decides,

she is no longer in love,

she is the most hardened,

unsentimental creature

on Earth.

It is actually easier

for a woman,

to sleep with a man,

that she

does NOT love,

than

to sleep with a man,

that she

NO LONGER loves.

Women are ruled by emotions,

Men are ruled by ego,

so says John Gray,

author of

"Men from Mars,

Women from Venus"

Frankly,

I think John Gray

got it

the other way round.

Anyway,

if men and women

are from different planents,

we are all

in very deep

trouble

1300 hrs July 14th 2004

Guys who cheat,

just what the hell

are they thinking about?

Would their women

ever forgive?

Much has been said

about the

Male Ego.

I reckon

the Female Ego

is

a whole lot bigger.

Most men will never

ever forgive their

cheating women.

How could you do

such a thing,

to hurt me?

How could you

make me feel,

like I'm not

good enough???

Nothing destroys a man

more than feeling

inadequate.

Whether its

size of penis,

or size of wallet.

Would a woman

ever forgive

a cheating man?

If she has a decent job,

and/or is attractive enough

to land another man,

she's out of your door,

quicker than a bullet.

If she stays,

she'd probably stray.

I've seen too many.

They may have kids,

or are housewives

and therefore

not many options.

But sure as hell

the attitudes changed.

She starts flirting

around,

She'd throw it in your face

at every arguement,

You cheated

she'll say.

She makes your life

a living hell,

she'd want to know

your every single movement.

And at some point,

she'd sleep

with your

best friend,

or the first angmor

that she sees

at Velvet

1220 hrs July 14th 2004

Its lunch time,

I could not sleep last night.

Finally slept at about 4 am.

Was thinking about

marital fidelity.

Strange as it may sound

HARMONY

killed my marriage.

11 years,

a beautiful ex-model wife,

adoring and doting

husband,

earning big bucks,

living in a nice house

by the sea,

exotic holidays,

expensive presents,

no fights,

small quarrels settled

in a calm

civilised manner.

What more would a woman want?

Just one,

another man.

A new challenge.

I was too easy.

She needed someone,

who gives no assurances,

no commitments,

she had to compete

to prove

something

to herself.

Can't help but notice

good guys get dumped

by their wives.

Its the arseholes

who screw around

come home drunk

smelling of female perfume

that get to keep

their marriages.

They tell me,

JEALOUSY is good

for the marriage.

Their wives have to

be on their toes,

to be attractive

or interesting

to keep

their husbands.

JEALOUSY makes their wives

treasure the marriage.

JEALOUSY makes their wives

become better lovers

in bed.

So it follows,

that women

makes love

not with their bodies,

but their egos.

2330 hrs July 12th 2004

Just had dinner with Ms D

woman of real substance.

In her relationship

with Mr R,

just enjoying

each precious moment,

for tomorrow

may never come.

Coming from a widow,

who had her life

wrenched from her

in such tragic circumstances.

I can see

her wisdom.

Why do we quarrel?

Why do we fight?

What if we die

tomorrow?

Do we want

our last memories

of our love ones,

to be that of

a bitter fight?

In most cases,

people fight

not to resolve

issues at hand,

but to express

their anger

and

to hit back.

If we bury

our differences

swallow

our pride,

most fights

are so

unnecessary.

Because we

don't choose

the day

we die.

But we can choose

to live our lives

happily.

We cannot control

the actions

of others,

but we can control

our own

reactions.

For the multitude

of things,

we love

our partners for,

why must that

one single issue

take such

prominence?

Is it that important

to win that fight?

Do we want our

last words

to our love ones

be that of

ugliness?

Lesson in Life,

is to live,

like we will die

tomorrow.

But, as a man

I must plan,

like we will live

forever.

More so,

as a man,

sometimes we cannot

avoid fights.

But it is indeed

our duty

to weather the storm

and guide the ship

to safe waters.

In doing so,

in an arguement,

take the hits

from a woman,

but be in control,

manage the process

and lead

the confrontation,

to an amicable

solution.

Come on,

a man can take

a beating anytime,

including

verbal ones.

1300 hrs July 11th 2004

Had drinks last night

with Ms M and Ms D

both single mothers.

First met them over a year ago

at the Catholic's Beginning Experience.

They were soul sisters

faced with the stark realities

of bringing up sons

entirely on their own.

Today, both are

happily attached

to their respective

boyfriends.

Both complained to me

how each have drifted

from each other.

I am saddened

by how friendship

have a natural tendency

to drift apart.

It does not even take

a quarrel

much less

a fight

for friendship

to meander aimlessly

away.

Circumstances change

people change

and the cost

is usually

the relationship

between 2 people.

Even within a marriage,

when 2 people face

the same circumstance,

the inexorable forces

of nature

cause people to change.

My ex-wife is

nothing like the

sweet 19 year old I met

and fell in love with

in 1989.

By the same token,

I'm sure I'm not

the same guy

she fell in love with

in 1989.

I would like to think

that when you love someone

you love her

through changes.

But nobody

loves

a mutation.

People change

and

usually for the worse.

Which therefore means

for 2 people

to remain together

through time,

they not only

have to change

in the same direction

but also

at the same pace.

That seems

like a bet

on a one to million

odds.

2245 hrs July 9th 2004

Thought I would like to revisit

an issue discussed

sometime back.

About the law of Demand and Supply

in human relationships.

In all fairness,

the forces of demand and supply

is probably about

equilibrium

at the time

of marriage.

Years down the road,

wife gets to meet

more dashing, debonaire

and suave men,

in the course of her job

or social circles,

and she begins to wonder

if she deserves better.

And/or

husband begins to experience

real career sucess

and money is plentiful.

Suddenly

there is no shortage

of younger

charming and

sexy women,

thowing themselves

at him,

he begins to feel

too good

for his wife.

Seems to me,

the biggest sin

in a marriage

is COMPARISON.

When one starts to compare

his or her own spouse

with others,

eventually one will come along

to make your spouse

look like a marriage

made in Hell.

Guess that is what

Jesus meant

when he said

when you look at thy neighbour's wife

with lust in your eyes,

you've already committed

adultery.

Because when you look

at your neighbour's wife

with lust,

comparisons were made,

and thus,

the sin.

1115 hrs July 7th 2004

She's got a way about her,

I don't quite know

what it is.

As she breaks

into that gentle

half smile.

As she treads

into that uncertain

half step.

Her eyes

curl into crescent shaped

half moons.

She speaks

like a girl

halfway

into womanhood.

A certain

girlish earnestness,

and

a world weary woman's

wisdom.

Like the lazy rousing sun

on a late Saturday morning,

she slips quietly

into that empty void

of my life.

But those gorgeous

brown eyes,

and

careful uncertain style,

she marked her entry

and presence

into my life

with that

full creamy whiteness.

Sometimes

I wonder,

if I imagined

all this.

The smallness

of her breathe,

the delicate waft

of her scent.

the tender caress

of her touch.

My life

has always

been a battle.

Between light

and darkness.

As soon as

warm sunshine

lands

on my skin,

Darkness

will sweep up

all remnants

of love

and joy.

Baby,

can you feel

the burning fear,

the torture

of insecurity,

the torment

of losing you?

If only,

you can hold me now,

and feel,

a little bit

of my

disquietude.

0855 hrs July 6th 2004

I often feel cursed,

born with a

high IQ.

Sure it helps

as I grasp

abstract concepts,

it enables me to

visualise

conceptualise

theorerise

hypothesise

idealise even.

But I have no clue

what people are feeling.

Right,

I have the EQ

of a lamp post.

Guys with high IQ

are like

Guys with big cocks,

they only think

they fuck better.

It does not make them

better lovers

or

better men.

Coz

you'd quickly realise,

its your IGNORANCE

that is infinite

not your KNOWLEDGE

2316 hrs July 4th 2004

Its American Independence Day,

Home of the Brave,

Land of the Free.

We forgot the effective genocide

of the Native Americans.

Ethnic cleansing wasn't invented

by the Serbians.

But you don't see the Serbians,

declaring public holiday

with fireworks and parades.

Had lunch with Mr D,

in Batam.

He has broken off

with Ms L

yet again.

Can't help but feel,

how relationships between

two people,

are often ruled

by the same

laws of demand and supply.

Rarely ever an equilibrum.

One will feel lucky,

the other feels

shortchanged.

If Economics 101 rules

in human relationships,

if follows that,

we're all in it,

for

mutual exploitation.

1250 hrs July 2nd 2004

Its strange,

guys around 40

are either

good husbands, good fathers

bad husbands, good fathers

bad husbands, bad fathers.

Well,

I'm none of the above.

What a loser.

1150 hrs July 1st 2004

SEX

is such a

powerful experience.

The urgencies,

passions,

explosions.

And then,

in the aftermath,

tender intimacy.

An hour or two,

we became

one flesh.

Sharing

the divine pleasure,

hot passion,

warm affection,

desiderate connection.

There is such a difference,

between making love,

and fucking.

In making love,

you fuck to please.

In fucking,

you fucked her good,

but you fucked yourself better.

In making love,

her pleasure

is your gratification,

her climax

is your ultimate aim.

So why do men

married or attached,

fuck around?

I gather,

it is the ILLUSION

of intimacy,

that they need,

when they're not getting it

at home,

mostly.

1115 hrs June 29th 2004

Was at Joo Chiat

With Mr B and Mr T

They enjoy hanging out

in the company

of Vietnamese hookers.

Not that they actually

go to bed

with them.

Just some feminine

company.

Am always facinated,

how desirable

a man can become

when he wields

the power

of cash.

Prostitution is probably

the most honest form

of this stark fact.

Women generally

look for the best

provider.

They call it stability.

Hey, a security guard earning $800 a month

for life,

is stability.

A financial market trader earning $20000 a month

but gets fired tomorrow,

is not stability.

But it is a biological fact.

Females want males

that can provide

for them and

the family,

sometimes extended family,

especially in Asia.

Cavewomen in prehistoric times

want cavemen

that brings home

the meat.

Likewise, modern women.

But

if they're in it

only for the money,

what then,

is the difference,

between a wife,

mistress,

and prostitute?

2125 hrs June 27th 2004

Back from weekend

in Malacca.

Peranakan food, bak kut teh

durian chendol.

Tearing down the highway

in that trusty

little Porsche

200 kmph

300 km in 1.5 hours

non-stop

Amost forgotten

the thrill of

that adrenalin rush

sweeping aside

all others.

I love living life

very fast,

Or maybe

I just love to

dominate.

A fitting end

to an aweful week.

One client did not have

the integrity,

to honour his own

mistake.

Another client wanted

to profit

from the mistake of

another.

Likewise, where is

the integrity.

Just what

have this

financial market industry

degenerated into?

Honour and integrity

concepts from a

bygone era.

You may lose money

its alright,

its not your money

afterall.

But when you lose your

reputation,

it is your personal loss

forever,

or at least

a very long time.

At least Ms X,

sent me flowers

and my favourite lunch.

In many ways,

she is the best thing

that ever happened

to me.

Can't help

falling in love

with a girl

like that.

1935 hrs June 24th 2004

Today,

exactly 4 years ago

I lost my marriage.

Suddenly,

memories

that I thought

I've forgotten

came

flooding back.

The betrayal,

abandonment,

searing pain,

confusion,

fear,

bitterness,

loss of self-esteem,

shattered dreams,

pieces of a

broken life.

I shuddered

when I recalled,

the hallucinations,

voices

in my head.

Suddenly,

the sickly sweet taste

of the weed killer

returned

to my mouth.

Those anxiety attacks,

Waking up

in the middle

of the night.

Panting,

in cold sweat,

Heart pounding

at my chest.

I could still hear

the trauma.

What have I ever done

to deserve this

desertion?

Is she happier now?

Is he treating her right?

I loved her

like my life

depended on it.

Her happiness

was

my Life's goal.

Her smile

was

my Life's pleasure.

Why I could

suddenly recall

that fateful day

when my world

imploded.

Maybe

I still

love her,

because

she was once mine.

But

the pain she caused

was unbearable

1300 hrs June 23rd 2004

Visited a client this morning

An American bank

Was stopped at the entrance

for security checks.

Now,

if I were a terrorist,

Would I bother

walking through the doors?

I would drive

a car bomb

into the basement carpark.

Nobody checked me

when I drove into the carpark.

Hegemony

Megalomania

Oil

Palestine.

On the other side of the equation,

you have

Poverty

Injustice

Grief

Hopelessness.

Something is bound to give,

yesterday,

it was

the head

of

a Korean.

The killers reasoned,

if the Isrealis

get away with

world sanctioned murder

of their Muslim brethren,

so its blood,

for blood.

We live

in a flawed system.

Where there is

inequality,

unequal distribution

of wealth,

power

and influence.

Some people call it

GLOBALISATION.

Don't get me wrong,

I'm a financial markets trader.

Globalisation and capitalism,

keeps me alive.

Just that

it benefits some people,

at the expense

of others.

Until we learn to share,

more heads

will roll,

unfortunately.

I kept telling Ms X,

the Indonesian Chinese

never learnt.

Seems to me,

neither did

the Americans,

or

Everybody else

2300 hrs June 21st 2004

Just sent Ms X to the airport

this time for 3 days to Fukuoka

voted the best city in Asia to live

of course you don't read about such things

in the Shit Times

We are world number 1

they tell us.

And if you pointed out

that we are not even in the World's top 10

some smart PAP running dog

will tell you,

We're better off than Jakarta.

Yeah,

some benchmark.

Tonight,

let's talk about

Polygamy.

A friend of mine

have this arrangement

with her boyfriend.

They can bed anyone they want

so long as they are open about it.

Cheating does not count,

as cheating

when there is no deception.

I have to admit,

that human beings

are

biologically hardwired

to be

polygamous.

We have evolved this way

over a million years.

The search for

better genetic material

to perpeptuate

our kind.

However,

in the last

thousand odd years I guess

social evolution

conforms us to

monogamy.

Therein

lies the problem.

We live in

a social world.

Emotions develop

through Time.

Allowing our polygamous nature

to go through,

will cause

emotional pain.

Just like a river

whose nature must

run its course,

an artificial dam

will block nature.

Like a dam,

a socially evolved relationship

must be strong enough,

to prevent

the natural impulse

of polygamy.

Whether we like it or not,

call it social conformity

or what.

Polygamy

will result

in emotional pain

at some point.

Someone WILL get hurt.

It will never be

a fair game.

When more than two,

are involved.

Ayn Rand,

author of "Fountainhead"

and

"Atlas Shrugged"

invented

the philosophy of

Objectivism.

Where rational faculties

are exalted

above everything else,

no place for

human emotions.

Rational self-interest

she declared

frees us

from the shackles

of convention

and

tradition.

So popular

were her theories,

she was declared,

the "most rational woman"

who ever lived.

In the spirit,

of rational self-interest,

she took a follower,

25 years younger,

as her lover.

With full consent

from her husband,

and the lover's wife.

Why can't the young lover

sleep with the woman

he admired so much?

Eventually,

it was too much

for Ayn Rand's husband,

and her lover's wife.

Both couples

were divorced

as an unfortunate

result.

Thus, I conclude,

with all due respect

to the "most rational woman"

who ever lived.

A polygamous arrangement,

will be

just

an arrangement.

It will never

be

a relationship.

Because,

in a relationship,

people get hurt,

sometimes real bad.

Like it or not,

we want our partner,

to be

exclusive.

Ayn Rand calls it

"the Virtue of Selfishness"

When you love someone,

you will never do anything

or even say anything

to

cause hurt,

stupid bitch....

1155 hrs June 21st 2004

I suddenly forgot

how Ms X's sister

forbidden her son

from sharing his food

with his classmates.

She claimed

that's for fear

of him

catching illness

from the other kids.

Excuse me Mum,

isn't that

part of socialising

in school?

Does that mean

when I grow up,

I cannot

fuck a girl,

in case

she's got AIDS?

Do you have to live

my life for me?

How about teaching me

protection

instead of,

selfishness?