I can't sleep
Everything seems to be
in a state of flux.
The flame on my lighter
may appear as a constant fire,
but it is not,
but a stream of burning gas.
I am not
what I was
10 years ago,
and will certainly not
be what I am,
10 years from now.
I am probably a master
in dealing with changes,
such is my professional training
over 18 years.
Why am I paralysed
with inertia,
in matters
of the heart?
The harder I try,
the worse it gets.
My happiest times
were
when I never really needed
to try.
I am not what she wants,
therein lies the seed of
her constant angst.
That is a oft repeated
and documented
statement.
Just that
in the absence
of better alternatives,
the path of least resistance
is mostly
status quo.
Do I want
to be the lesser option?
Just who is bullshitting who?
But I never liked
to play God
in such matters,
its a matter of
personal integrity,
I won't cause hurt,
even if
my personal happiness
is at stake.
It is the kind of decision,
I can never make.
