1525 hrs June 29th 2005

I have not been blogging,

been trying to wean myself off

the horrible side effects

of Risperdal.

That drug is terrible,

just a short term solution,

to a longer term problem.

Which is in effect opposite

to my situation with Ms X.

Attempting long term solutions,

to short term problems.

Risperdal is so damned addictive,

I had to increase the dosage

all the time.

As the effects wear off,

the anxiety attacks,

the pounding heart,

the cold sweat,

the imaginary friends,

they all come back.

Neurosis is a strange thing.

The fear

of an eventuality

is actually worse

than the eventuality

itself.

Humans are resilient

we do adapt

to eventualities

and the fear

is mostly

overblown.

1745 hrs June 20th 2005

Perception is more important

than Reality.

It is that way,

in the stockmarket

It is that way,

in Life.

To a KTV girl,

she remains faithful,

to her boyfriend,

even though she allows herself

to be touched

all over.

So long as she does

not kiss

not fuck,

she is faithful

in her perception.

To a prostitute,

she remains faithful,

to her boyfriend,

even though she allows herself

to be touched

all over,

and fucked.

So long as she does

not kiss,

she is faithful,

in her perception.

To a certain Ms X,

she remains faithful,

to me,

even though she

dances provocatively

with strange men,

even though she

flirts shamelessly

with multiple men,

So long as she does

not kiss,

not touch,

not fuck,

she is faithful,

in her perception.

Whisper words of wisdom

let it be....

1500 hrs June 17th 2005

Dear God,

Its not often that I pray,

let alone ask anything of you.

I hate asking for things,

in exchange for worship.

It feels like

a commercial transaction

to me.

But this time,

I ask You,

to grant me

a forgiving heart,

and cleanse me

of all anger,

hostility

and revenge.

Heal my hurts,

and teach me

to rely

on love.

Grant me

the wisdom

strength

and peace,

to move ahead

in grace

and love,

as you have

instilled

in me,

for I have to admit,

I can't do it alone,

am too bloody weak.

This I pray,

in Jesus' name

Amen

1550 hrs June 13th 2005

It is always a struggle,

to be a good man.

It is always an internal strife,

to live by

conscience,

to do the right thing,

every single time,

although given a choice

between good

and evil.

The dark side demands,

why did she do this

to me?

The evil side extorts,

go exact revenge.

An eye

for an eye

But if every man

takes an eye

for an eye,

the world

will indeed

be blind.

1535 hrs June 13th 2005

When I retrospect

and introspect,

my source of paranoia,

is my history with

women in my past.

The result of this paranoia,

are fears.

Fear of Betrayal

Fear of Abandonment.

I maybe undergoing

psychiatric treatment,

but no shrink

is gonna cure this.

The cure

have to come

from within.

Because it follows,

that if I have forgiven

they who have caused

grevious hurt,

they who have caused

gross injustice,

they who have caused

unbearable pain,

then there would be

no more fears.

For Christ,

who has been betrayed

and abandoned,

could cry out to God,

forgive them for they know not

what they're doing,

so therein

lies healing.

So let the healing process

begin.

And let it begin,

with me.

1100 hrs June 13th 2005

In the darkness

of the soul,

it is always 3am.

That is how I felt,

when I walked the lonely corridors

to the defense lawyer's office.

It was like a scene from CSI

and I was merely acting

a role,

this cannot be true.

But anyway,

I've done myself in

Big Time.

Am under psychiatric treatment

for schizophrenia.

This cannot be true.

But it surely is

as I popped the schizo pills

maximum dosage

to control paranoia.

Its like there is

a raging stranger

that resides deep inside,

erupting to come out

at the worst

possible moment.

How does a woman

speak of love,

when neither her words

nor actions

remotely reflect it?

How does a woman

speak of love,

when both her words

and actions

cause intense hurt?

Now it has

driven me

to clinical insanity.

I should have listened

and let go,

when I had

the chance.

But I am not one

to live in regret.

Take responsibility

and pray

for the best

possible outcome.

So help me God