1542 hrs December 23th 2004

2 days before Christmas,

my 40th Christmas.

Another Christmas.

40 years

of misspent energies.

40 years

of love found

and love lost.

40 years

of money earned

and money burnt.

I won't even bother

to count

the different women

I spent Christmas with,

useless memories.

Now, all I want

is to plan my exit,

40 years later.

When I finally check out

of this world.

With a smile,

and a smartass punch line,

and sticking my middle finger up.

Up yours Life,

Up yours World,

Up yours People,

Up yours Mr God.

I came in crying,

I'll go out laughing.

1140 hrs December 16th 2004

It doesn't rain,

it pours.

Money doesn't just talk,

it shouts.

It cannot be coincidental,

that life exists only in 2 states.

Either EVERYTHING is in a state

of tranquil peace

or

EVERYTHING is in a state

of tempestuous turmoil.

EVERYTHING,

just EVERYTHING

or NOTHING.

I begin to understand

my Dad

a little better

everyday.

Like I said last week,

I begin to live his life

everyday.

And the things he said

and done,

became clearer

everyday.

In the twilight

of that man's life,

as he recollects

the bitterness

of failure,

in money, love and family.

Can I take it against him,

he reacted as bad

as the way he did?

A broken life

makes a man

vehemently resentful.

Like a festering wound,

that wouldn't heal.

No band aid plaster,

will make it prettier,

in the long run.

The gangrened wound

would reek

of vile stench.

Likewise,

no amount of rationale,

moral value,

love and consideration,

can possibly overcome

a bitter and resentful heart

at the end

of a broken life.

2330 hrs Decemberr 8th 2004

Its weird

how blood runs thicker

than water.

For years now,

I waged a cold war,

with my Dad.

Did not wanna talk to him

Did not wanna see him.

My stubborn

and childish

resilence

crumbled,

when he went missing.

I could not sleep well,

spent hours

theoririzing

hypothesizing

analyzing.

Women come and go,

friends come and go.

But Dad,

I'm stuck with just one.

A fact that I cannot change.

I did not choose him.

His blood runs through mine.

I suffered

because I hated his version

of Fatherhood.

I suffered

because I hated his idea

of Marriage.

But just who the fuck

gave me the right

to judge?

We are all shaped

by our collective life experiences,

Dad is a mere manifestation

of his life experiences.

He loved his family,

the only way he knew how,

by dedicating his entire life,

to providing for us.

What I can give him

he does not want,

what he can give me

I do not want

either.

Just when are we

going to stop

pulling each other apart?

Reconcilation

have to begin somewhere,

it might as well

be me.

I felt peace

thereafter,

because I no longer held

bad blood

with my own.

2000 hrs December 8th 2004

Daddy,

Just what was I supposed to do?

I don't know why

its so hard

to talk to you.

We could never see

eye to eye.

I wanted you

out of my life,

but yet,

always felt

that I could have done

a whole lot better.

I wished

we could turn

the pages back

to 40 years ago.

I never could

understand you.

I wished you realised

you hurt me too.

Do you know

my biggest dream,

is to have a beer

with you?

I always felt

you were selfish,

inconsiderate,

vindictive

and vicious even.

But I never lived your life,

I do not deserve to judge.

Because the things you say

are so much clearer now,

as the older I become,

I start living your life,

everyday, day after day.

You're an old man now,

I'm middle aged.

So many cruel words

have been spoken,

so many unkind deeds

have been done.

Is it too late,

to be your son?

You're a good guy Dad,

just fucked up

by Life.

Sorry it took me so long

to figure that out.

I was blinded

by my bitterness

consumed

by my resentment.

Can we have a beer together

sometime?

Just you and me,

because Daddy,

I need some help here,

and you've seen

it all.

Deep down,

I've never dared to admit,

you've always been

my hero

since I was a kid