1740 hrs September 30th 2005

I have many friends

who are single mothers.

But it is almost impossible

for me to think

of going into a relationship

with a single mum.

As long as I am not

the child's natural father,

I think there is a

natural opposition

to me.

He will probably even

resent me

as I compete for attention

from his Mum.

And I have no

moral authority

to discipline

the child.

He can always say

who the fuck

are you?

And if I do discipline him

at some stage,

he will scheme

child abuse charges

against me.

There is no way

I will ever be seen

as Dad.

And I have no interest

in being surrogate father.

I suppose single Mums

deserve a second chance

at love too.

But I believe,

their best bet,

is either to keep

the children

out of the relationship,

or better still,

find single Dads.

Not someone like me,

who actually yearn

to experience

fatherhood.

1345 hrs September 29th 2005

I am opposed to all religions,

I can't think of a greater

mind control over people

than any form of

organised worship.

But amongst all,

I find charismatic protestants

particularly repulsive.

A catholic priest

may spend years of his life

in seminary training

before he preaches His word.

But a born again

charismatic protestant

may have been a sinner

just yesterday.

Their doctrine is

their's is the ONLY way

to heaven.

And they talk

and behave

like religious authorities.

How hypocritical

can you be?

You venture out

to save the souls

of people

in poor countries

but you hardly do anything

to sponsor prevention of

diseases.

Your pastors drive

luxury cars,

pastor's wife gets

$20k diamonds,

build $50 million churches

$0.5 million fountain decorations,

you preach about

missionary work

in poor countries,

but you watch

while they die

of malaria.

You talk of the love

of Jesus Christ,

but you do nothing

to prevent

child prostitution.

Where is the glory

of God,

if a child dies

of AIDs

but a born again Christian,

when you have the resources

to put her to school

and lead a normal life

instead of prostitution?

Let's face it,

you just want to rack up

your score card

of number of souls saved,

not number of lives

you helped.

You're doing this

for your self glory

because it feels good

telling others

you're right

they're wrong.

you're going to heaven

they're going to hell.

Evangelism

is just another word

for imperialism.

Religous Imperialism,

the total rejection

and disrespect

of the culture

and beliefs

of others.

1330 hrs September 28th 2005

To you

who once slept with me

but not anymore.

Do you still feel

my anger?

I no longer acknowledge

your presence.

I would not

even have known you

if I hit you head on,

let alone see you

in my rear view mirror.

To you,

who sleeps with me

and still do.

Should I acknowledge

your presence?

Do I even know you?

I thought I did,

but not anymore.

You take out your life's frustrations

on me

so effortlessly.

Its like my failures

remind you

of yours.

It is so easy

to beat up

a reflection

that does not

defend itself.

Its amazing

how you've given up

your dreams,

without even trying.

Your fear of failure

have crippled

any attempt

for success.

Is that what

you're made of?

Do I even know you?

1530 hrs September 23rd 2005

Confucius said

"Do not do on to others

what you do not want

others to do on to you"

Hmmmm.... profound

but what the fuck is that?

Strikes me as totally

unnatural.

We ALWAYS want to do on to others

what We DO NOT want others

to do on to us!!!

That is the order of nature!

Try telling a cat

if you don't want to be eaten

by a dog,

you should stop eating rats.

1430 hrs September 23rd 2005

Someone wrote in to me

and said I am woman hater.

No darling,

I assure you I am not.

On the contrary,

I love women.

In fact,

my biggest dream would be

if the world's population is

99% women and 1% men.

I'd be having sex

on the MRT

on the way to work.

1440 hrs September 22nd 2005

I am beginning to conclude

that above all knowledge

one can possess or acquire,

the knowledge

of one's purpose in life

reigns supreme.

Why do we exist?

For what reason?

How should we conduct our lives?

The impact religions have

on our social consciousness

is astounding.

Muslim societies

who conduct their lives

that pleases Allah,

so that after death,

they get elevated to Heaven

where everything is better

than Earth,

are the poorest societies

in the World.

Hindu societies,

where if you're good,

you come back

as a Brahman,

but if you're bad,

you come back

as a cockroach,

try to conduct their lives good,

are also remarkably poor people.

Buddhist societies

where the purpose of life

is to attain

enlightenment,

through meditation

and withdrawal

from the world,

are largely poor societies.

European Catholic societies

where they humbly surrender

to God

in humility

have remained largely stagnant

for the last 200 years.

In that time, Protestant USA

whose beliefs are

work hard,

make money,

give 10% to the church

fuck the rest of the world

they're going to Hell

we're going to Heaven.

They're become rich

and successful.

Here in Singapore,

we need to look no further

than City Harvest

or New Creation Church,

to see

these christians

are rich.

All that matters

accepting salvation through Christ

and going to heaven,

while on Earth,

who the fuck cares?

The worst bastards

you meet in the office

are usually

charismatic Christians.

ALL ARE CRAP.

I suscribe to biological philosophy,

to have optimal sex,

to fuck as many females

as possible

like a dog,

because when I am

having an orgasm,

I sure as hell

will not think

about the meaning

of Life,

it just feels good.

1150 hrs September 21st 2005

Today is my ex-wife's birthday

she drove me to alcohol

I should send her

a Thank You card.

I subscribe to Occam's Razor.

I do not believe that philosophy

have to be elaborate.

I did not elect

to be born.

The decision

was made for me.

Probably by accident too.

We live in a chaotic world,

life begins

in a chaotic fashion.

One sperm

out of millions

in an ejaculation

fertilised one egg,

to produce me.

How would I have been

if it was another sperm

in that ejaculation?

How about those

that were wasted

in a handjob

or blowjob?

I do not know

why my parents

brought me

into this world.

Surely

not for my own

benefit.

If so,

the best favour

they could have done

for me

is to abort me.

My life

have not been

all that happy.

I have all evidence

that life

has far more

suffering

and pain

than joy

and pleasure.

The obvious choice

is to commit suicide.

But we humans

are slaves

of nature.

Suicide goes against

our natural instincts.

I always marvel

at how terminally sick people

would struggle

to live another day,

like as though

tomorrow

will be better.

Die lah,

suffer so much

for what?

That is why,

I've always admired

smart and talented people

who realised that

life do not have much

more in store for them,

and commited suicide.

Sigmund Freud,

Ernest Hemingway,

James Dean.

Its the ultimate

metaphysics,

Mind over Matter.

To be sure,

I do believe

in the existence

of a supreme being

that is God.

But I doubt

His intent

nor will

to be involved

in my life.

Belief in religion itself,

is an acknowledgement

that life after death

is better,

that life

is suffering.

Life

should be the pursuit

of happiness.

Happiness

is no more

than a neurochemical reaction.

Which can easily

be replicated

in a drug.

So why are drugs illegal?

Parents do not want children

to take drugs,

largely because

they want to be proud

of their children,

which strikes me

as pretty selfish.

Governments do not want people

to take drugs,

largely because

they want citizens

to be productive

in their economy,

which strikes me

as pretty selfish too.

Which leaves only one thing left

in pursuit

of Life's happiness.

Sex

lots of sex.

Great sex.

1230 hrs September 16th 2005

Don't be offended,

but when you said

You love me,

I thought that was

the lamest

declaration of love

a woman ever

told me.

How can you say

you love me,

when you also love

the attention

of other guys?

Do you know

that it hurts?

Do you know

that it made me feel

not good enough?

And therefore a huge blow

to my self-esteem?

You said

you're not so sure.

Well I know that feeling,

not so sure, not so sure.

Nett result is always

buying at the top

or selling

at the bottom.

When you're not so sure,

don't think twice.

Don't even think,

because I've made up your mind

for you.

Its not that I hate you,

just that you're someone

I used

to love.

1255 hrs September 13th 2005

She struts into the room

like she owns it,

pouting her lips

flashing her eyes.

She is daring,

somewhat good looking.

A catty remark here

a bitchy remark there,

speaking English

with a goddamned awful

accent.

Somewhere between British,

American and Australian.

Yucks.

Totally self-absorbed,

self-centred,

vain,

overly dramatic,

always confrontational.

Making a mountain

out of an anthill,

and trampling everyone

in her way.

Maybe that spark of wit,

and energy

can pass off as

remotely attractive,

but surely

that moody misbehaviour

is a total

turn off.

Because, behind that veneer

of style and confidence,

there is really

no substance.

1120 hrs September 2nd 2005

Back to football

and my beloved

Liverpool.

The club failed

to get Owen back

and also failed

to buy a much needed

centreback and rightwinger.

I don't even know why

they bothered

with Owen.

That stinking little traitor

ran down his contract

till its almost worthless

all the while promising

that he will sign on

and then left us

just when we started

last season.

He may have done alot

for Liverpool

in the past

but I question

his loyalty.

If he really wanted

to come back,

he could have said NO

to Newcastle,

and forced Real Madrid

to lower their asking price.

We simply cannot pay

16 million pounds

for someone

we had to sell

for just 8 million pounds

12 months ago.

Forget Owen,

he is a dishonest

and backstabbing

Judas Iscariot.

Besides, his best asset

is his pace.

That speed have left him

2 years ago,

Real Madrid

knows that now.

As for rightwinger,

we missed out on Simao.

Management said

price was too high,

and we would be in a stronger position

comes January.

Excuse me?

When can you be stronger,

than newly crowned European champions?

Perhaps if we are sitting

at the top

of the league

comes January.

What chances you think

of that happening?

Fucking None.

Nett result would be,

we would be sitting

on a pile of cash,

and no rightwinger.

Fuck the management,

they're expecting

Benetiz

to work a fucking miracle

again.

1320 hrs September 1st 2005

His Holiness

the Dalai Lama

said,

A successful marriage

is when

love for each other,

exceeds

need for each other.

My first reaction was

what the fuck

does the Dalai Lama

know about

love and marriage?

But on introspect,

that guy is

really smart.

If I think of love,

as want,

as opposed

to need,

then this entire society,

is all about

our wants

exceeding

our needs.

The core of capitalism

is about our wants

exceeding

our needs.

I want a sportscar

do I need it?

I want a boat

do I need it?

I want a condo

do I need it?

NO.

But capitalism

and our market driven

economy,

is all about

pursuit

of our wants

above our needs,

and proven successful indeed

and thus suitable

catering

to our human nature.

Interestingly,

we got it the wrong way around

in love and marriages.

Needs generally exceed wants.

Women generally marry for money.

Lets drop the politically correct bullshit.

The sweetest guy in the world

but without a job

ain't gonna jump

into your pants

anytime soon.

Like they say,

No money no honey.

You need my money

I need your body.

The Dalai Lama

was right.

Because when need

for each other,

exceeds love

for each other,

you get effectively

mutual exploitation.

Guess the Minangkabau

are the most advanced society

in the world,

in this respect.

Afterall, all guys

are penniless there.

1000hrs September 1st 2005

If what I want,

is not what you want,

please don't tell me

my wants are wrong.

If my beliefs

are different from you,

please pause

before you try

to change

my point of view.

If my feelings

are stronger

or weaker

or none at all,

please

let it be.

For I do not ask

you to understand me,

nor even accept me.

All I ask

is a bit

of respect.

Respect that

as much as you,

I have a right

to be me.

So just

let me be me.

For if I seem not

to be marching

to your drum,

its because

I hear

another drum.