1405 hrs March 30th 2005

Baby,

here we stand again,

like so many times before.

You looked so happy

when you walked out my door.

But you always walk right back

like you've never been away,

telling me

we're meant to be.

I don't know baby,

I really don't know.

If I can,

go through this again.

Some time

when I'm feeling fine,

you might even look

like a friend to me.

But for now,

please walk on.

I don't want to hear

anymore of you

wanting to be free.

Just walk away,

I'm going back inside.

I'm turning off

my heart light,

it may be dark,

but you're out

of sight.

1150 hrs March 30th 2005

The matchstick ignites

bursting into flames.

I inhaled another ciggy

exhaled smoke of toxic waste

that I deposit more

into my lungs.

Been coughing

my lungs out.

As I sink

into the abyss

of self pity

and self destruct.

I'm spent,

totally spent.

Depleted of all

physical, emotional, spiritual

energy.

To be fair,

she was no fair weather

girlfriend.

She weathered the storms too.

But the reality,

is we're two passing ships

in the night.

At daybreak,

we're out of sight.

We're headed in

different directions.

We merely tried

to make some meaning

out of a meaningless

passing,

just the the many

that passed along

before.

At some point,

it is useless

to hold on.

Because

there is nothing left

to hold on to.

Just some joy

and laughter,

useless memories.

I cry

as any one would,

as I watch us

inexorably die,

frantic as we may

to revive the dead.

The time has come

for us to bury

the dead.

It is useless darling

useless.

As we mark the tomb

of our relationship,

the epitaph says,

we tried, but....

1140 hrs March 21st 2005

I wrote this long ago,

for the Kimchi.

I thought its very apt

at this moment,

although

upon rereading,

I'm still not quite there

YET.


The Last Tear Drops
===================

The Last Tear Drops

Sliding down my cheek

They're hidden from you

Or you'd think I'm weak

You thought you seen love

out of your selfish eyes

But my visions are clearing

on to clearer skies

Darling I know it upsets you

That I've stopped waiting around

But honey listen silently

And you'd hear the sound

The sound of my footsteps walking

As I walk out the door

Its for the wrong reasons you return

Coz you just don't love me anymore

This time I'm really moving on

The next time you turn,

You'd realise.....I'mm gone Roland Koh

12 February 2002

1130 hrs March 21st 2005

Last night,

I was drunk.

This morning,

I am hungover.

But suddenly,

in a classic moment

of serendipity,

the clarity

both astounds

and hurts.

It has always been

difficult

for me to analyse

whenever emotions

are involved.

But I think

my visions are clearer now.

At the root of our problems

is different

RELATIONSHIP ASPIRATIONS.

I was muddled

and frustrated

and devastated,

because I was simply

not getting

the emotional response

I wanted

from you.

It should have been

so clear,

but I was both

blind

and

stupid.

Your words

and actions

do not reflect

of a woman

who loves me.

I'm sure someday,

a lucky man

would be a recipient

of your love,

but for now

my chances

are between

zero

and

fucking NONE.

0230 hrs March 21st 2005

So you came back,

asking or begging even,

for a reconcilation.

To patch things back

you said,

to work things out,

you said.

But I am not one

to judge a person

by words,

I can only judge

by your actions.

And your actions

suggest otherwise.

You even said YES

to my proposal of

marriage.

But it appears

you're merely

buying time.

What have I ever done,

to deserve this

vindictiveness?

What have I ever done,

to deserve this

malice?

Don't you shoulder

your part

of the blame?

But play your game

to perfection,

I would do

the same.

The trust is gone,

the respect is gone.

So what is left?

But a dogged refusal

to admit

another defeat,

and perhaps for you

free housing.

But I won't make

that decision.

It is yours

to make.

But I won't

be naive.

The decision was made

long ago.

I shall just

do my best,

give you the benefit

of a doubt.

Prevent it

from being

another self-fulfilling

prophesy.

I won't be guilty

of that.

I will still try

to win your heart.

If my love

is not enough,

let me be proven

yet again.

As long as I'm alive,

I'd keep trying.

Even if

it's a fool's card,

that I draw.

Let it be me,

to suffer the

losses,

I'm used to that.

1055 hrs March 15th 2005

The last nail

been hammered

into the coffin

of my love life.

It has been dead

for a long time,

I merely refused to see it.

Until I got ushered

to a VIP seat

at the funeral wake.

Its funny

when you lie to yourself

often enough

you start believing

your own lies.

Funnier still,

sometimes you do not weep

at death,

but only when you actually

bury the dead.

Enough of this Stockholm Syndrome.

This victim is breaking loose

and running free.

Like I said

months ago,

the happiest times

are when

we never really needed

to try.

Boy, did we try

2300 hrs March 12th 2005

One of the rare weekends

I spend in Singapore.

Got up with personal errands,

fixed the car centrol locking,

and did housework.

Which reminded me of an article

in Today paper I read

a certain tabloid journalist

called Ms Teo,

wrote at length about

how domestic responsibilities

(read household chores and child caring)

still falls primary on women,

in Singapore.

She went on to reveal

that this has kept her from

considering motherhood.

In a biting comment,

"If you are expecting men

to shoulder more than they are

traditionally conditioned to,

GET REAL"

I really don't know about Ms Teo

or her husband.

I do know that I do virtually ALL

the housework at home.

I simply deplore messiness,

so I do ALL the cleaning,

moping, picking up, household repairs.

I get an incredible sense

of satisfaction,

when I do housework.

Because accomplisment is immediate

and visibly tangible.

Besides, I get an incredible hardon,

when Ms X breaks into a smile,

when she comes home from flight,

and the house is all made up,

like a hotel room.

Ms X does laundry of

the delicates.

I get my balls chopped off

if I damage her clothes.

Mum does the ironing.

The only woman I know that cooks better

or does housework better

than me,

is Mum.

So what the hell is Ms Teo

ranting about?

Worse, she made it seem,

like its a Singaporean men

problem.

Why the hell didn't she marry

another race?

All Singaporean men I know

are typically so nice and accomodating

to their westernised wives,

they would compromise.

In fact, any man who truly loves

his wife,

would compromise

on something

as trivial

as housework.

So instead of blaming

the Singaporean man or husband,

for her refusal to be a mother,

she should take responsibility,

that she fucked up

as a woman

and a wife.

Either she made the wrong choice

of man to be her husband,

or she is so unlovable

as a wife,

that the husband

would not even consider

helping out at home.

If she could write about

her marital problems

in a national newspaper,

I'm sure she must have

communicated it to her husband

more than once.

Obviously, he doesn't give

a fuck

about how she feels.

From the evidence of things,

I don't really blame him.

1230 hrs March 7th 2005

Everyone lies

that's the truth.

Some lie about big things

Some lie about small things

Some lie to protect others

Some lie to protect themselves

Some lie out of fear

Some lie out of love

Some lie to normalise

Some lie to destroy

Some even lie out of habit

Some even lie as a hobby

It is hard to tell the truth,

it is even harder

to hear the truth.

Why hurt you more

than you already are?

But darling,

withholding the truth,

is a lie

by itself.

1050 hrs March 7th 2005

I find it amusing,

when I ask anyone,

would they wear a stranger's underwear?

The answer is always

an emphatic NO.

Eeee, its so dirty....

But yet, they would not mind

exchanging bodily fluids

with a total stranger.

Don't you find yourself

filthy after that???

1735 hrs March 4th 2005

Don't ask me why I did it,

what was going through my mind,

when I posted all those soppy poems,

written for each of the women in my life.

Notice

I deeply loved each one of them.

No more

No less.

Which tells me something.

Cut the bullshit

that you will only love

that one person

in the whole world

with your whole life.

Everyone

is highly dispensable

and

totally replaceable.

1720 hrs March 4th 2005

I wrote this one

before my divorce

it was from a collection of poems

I wrote as a Christmas present

for me wife, then.

If I were to die today

================

If I were to die today,

may I go,

by letting you know

that you filled my soul,

with contentment

that I lived,

to see your smile.

that I perservered

to hear your laughter.

that I persisted

to desire your embrace.

that I endured

to crave your kiss.

If I were to die today,

may I go,

by letting you know

You filled

my days, with sunshine

my nights, with stars

my hopes, with dreams

my aspirations, with rainbows

If I were to die today,

may I go,

by letting you know

I love you

beyond the Infinity of Time.

And I thank you,

for making my life

complete

Roland Koh

20 December 1999

1420 hrs March 4th 2005

I wrote this 2 years ago,

for Ms X,

funny how little

things have changed.

Losing the Light

============

Like the lazy rousing sun

on a Saturday morning,

she slips quietly

into that empty void

in my Life

filling up with Sunshine.

Without saying much

in her usual uncertain careful style.

She has this way about her.

I don't quite know what it is

But with those gorgeous brown eyes

and half smile,

she marks her entry and presence

in my Life.

We talked for hours each time,

with her head on my chest.

Large, everything about her

and yet so small.

As I feel the smallness of her breathe,

the gentle waft of her scent.

Thoughtful and kind,

yet the waves of her emotions

so volatile.

So clear, yet so fuzzy.

Serendipity in gentle compassionate tides.

Suddenly a quick display of annoyance

and temper.

And then it dissipates

into that small laughter.

All cool and mellow,

again.

Contradition, all of her.

Like the divine softness of her breasts.

So firm, yet so soft.

The creamy whiteness fills up, large.

Copiously sweet, smooth.

Like the mellowness of fine wine.

Young, and yet a certain

aged relaxedness.

Deliberate, yet cerebrally quick.

Unpretentious and comfortable,

Yet, so insecure

of her breezy prettiness.

Sometimes I wonder,

if I imagined all this.

Sometimes I wonder,

if this was all just a dream.

A cruel fantasy again.

Sometimes I wish I never had a mind

and heart.

Sometimes, I wish the word sometimes

was never invented.

Will I ever win this battle?

The battle to win her heart.

My life has been a constant battle

between sunshine,

and the dark cast

of shadows.

The perennial struggle

between light and dark.

As soon as sunshine

and happiness

lands on my skin,

the darkness is already poised

in the large span of its wings,

ready to sweep up

any remnant crumbles

of love and joy.

I look at the prison

of my Life.

The all too familiar scene.

If only she is here now,

to hold me,

feel a little bit

of the depth

of my solitude

the burning of my

deepest fears

the torment

of losing the Light.

Roland Koh

14 April 2003

1700 hrs March 2nd 2005

I wrote this one night

at Casuarina

thinking about that Korean.

I still miss her actually.

Tonight

======

On a night like this

when clouds were few, and stars shimmered

the night wind pulled her to me

I kissed her again, lightly tenderly

held her tight

and would never let go

under the immense skies

On a night like this

when clouds were few, and stars shimmered

my arms were empty

my sould cried its despair

for my love could not keep her

love is short

but memories go on

forever

On a night like this

when clouds were few, and stars shimmered

I write

as Mozart softly purrs

Memories haunt

like an ancient curse

under the immense skies

made more immense

without her

Roland Koh

18 June 2002

1155 hrs March 2nd 2005

I wrote this one

after my divorce,

one night when the fuse was blown

at Casuarina,

and the whole house was lit

by a single candle.

Shadows and Light

==============

Light from the Single Candle

the Shadow dances

on the Empty Hall

What was once a Home

now a Hollow House

paintings on Faceless Walls

Reflections as the Single Candle flickers

as Darkness pervades the Void

The Soul reaches out to the Heart

in futile search

as Fulfillment is not found

in Love unrequited and Duty uncompleted

The Hiding Place it now seeks

Perhaps Happiness can be moulded

where Compassion cannot be equated

Is this its Calling?

Or another Port of Call

The Single Light flickers

as the Shadows dances

Darkness is relentless

Peace is found

where Silence resides

in Sleep's dark and silent pride

Roland Koh

8 April 2001

1045 hrs March 1st 2005

Yesterday

was my wedding anniversary.

12 years ago,

I married The Alimony.

Made me think about

a story on Queen Cleopatra of Egypt.

She would take a young male slave

have him tied up naked

then have a nubile female slave

give that poor guy a blowjob

and then,

her chefs

would castrate him

and barbeque his dick

over charcoal,

for the palate

of the Queen!!!

Just why wouldn't

that sick bitch

just eat

a pork sausage???!!!

or bite an apple???

The answer my friend,

is Power.

She gets turned on

with the Power

to snip off

a hard on dick

and eat it barbequed

for supper.

Not that a human dick

will be a wholesome meal,

for that she ruined

the life

of that young male.

The blowjob part

of having an erected dick

castrated

at its full glory

is really symbolic.

We're all genetically

programmed

biologically hardwired

to crave power.

That little girlfriend,

or lovely wife

you have

in that comfortable

cushy love relationship

will be Queen Cleopatra

given a chance

just as

you would live

the hedonistic life

of Emperor Nero

given a chance.

In reality,

that love

is an illusion.

If you think

you hold the reins

of Power

in your relationship,

flirt a little here

fuck a little there,

come home nice and loving

to your woman,

think again.

She will do the same.

The dark recesses

in the abyss

of the female psyche

is vile and rancid.

She will make you suffer

simple because

she can.

Real love is

ALWAYS

suffering