for Ms X,
funny how little
things have changed.
Losing the Light
============
Like the lazy rousing sun
on a Saturday morning,
she slips quietly
into that empty void
in my Life
filling up with Sunshine.
Without saying much
in her usual uncertain careful style.
She has this way about her.
I don't quite know what it is
But with those gorgeous brown eyes
and half smile,
she marks her entry and presence
in my Life.
We talked for hours each time,
with her head on my chest.
Large, everything about her
and yet so small.
As I feel the smallness of her breathe,
the gentle waft of her scent.
Thoughtful and kind,
yet the waves of her emotions
so volatile.
So clear, yet so fuzzy.
Serendipity in gentle compassionate tides.
Suddenly a quick display of annoyance
and temper.
And then it dissipates
into that small laughter.
All cool and mellow,
again.
Contradition, all of her.
Like the divine softness of her breasts.
So firm, yet so soft.
The creamy whiteness fills up, large.
Copiously sweet, smooth.
Like the mellowness of fine wine.
Young, and yet a certain
aged relaxedness.
Deliberate, yet cerebrally quick.
Unpretentious and comfortable,
Yet, so insecure
of her breezy prettiness.
Sometimes I wonder,
if I imagined all this.
Sometimes I wonder,
if this was all just a dream.
A cruel fantasy again.
Sometimes I wish I never had a mind
and heart.
Sometimes, I wish the word sometimes
was never invented.
Will I ever win this battle?
The battle to win her heart.
My life has been a constant battle
between sunshine,
and the dark cast
of shadows.
The perennial struggle
between light and dark.
As soon as sunshine
and happiness
lands on my skin,
the darkness is already poised
in the large span of its wings,
ready to sweep up
any remnant crumbles
of love and joy.
I look at the prison
of my Life.
The all too familiar scene.
If only she is here now,
to hold me,
feel a little bit
of the depth
of my solitude
the burning of my
deepest fears
the torment
of losing the Light.
Roland Koh
14 April 2003
