0845 hrs February 28th 2007

Today is Feb 28th,

and the stock markets

everywhere

behaved like

its the end of the world.

Markets plunging everywhere

blood flowing

on the streets.

China's market collapsed.

Nobody knows why.

I know,

its our wedding anniversary

thats why.

It was doomed

from the start.

14 years ago,

I thought I found true love

I thought I found someone

who would love and cherish me

who would really really treasure me

like as though

I am a real gem.

You once held me

like a real gem.

and then you threw me out

like I was a lump

of dogshit.

But the tragedy is,

just like in the stock markets,

the basic fundamentals

have not changed,

there is no reason

to sell so urgently,

Likewise,

my basic personality

have not changed,

there is no reason

to dump me

so quickly.

In Life as in the markets,

your perception,

have became

your next reality.

As I am left to rue,

about all those lost years.

Those lost years,

where have they been to,

my dearest?

2100 hrs February 24th 2007

Call me unforgiving

call me pitiless

call me vindictive even,

But I will never never never

ever forgive

infidelity.

You're supposed

to love and

chrish me.

Just how are you supposed

to love and cherish me

when you hurt me

so badly?

Maybe you do love

and cherish me,

but clearly

you love and cherish

yourself

far more.

When you agreeed

to go out for a date

with him,

what were you thinking of?

Did you ever consider

how I would have felt?

Didn't you realise

you were courting danger?

No, you walked into it

with your legs

wide opened.

When he first kissed

your lips,

did it ever occur to you

that would really hurt me?

And make me feel

abandoned,

betrayed,

and cheated?

Nope, you did it anyway.

You cared about how you felt

more than how I felt.

I'm sorry, but henceforth,

I can't help but feel

that your body

has been defiled,

and find you

very very dirty

indeed.

I can never ever

be intimate with you again,

because when we're in bed,

I still see him

lying naked

between us.

People do make mistakes

and I can forgive

a mistake.

But irreparable damage

has been done,

I am scarred

probably permanently.

So for your sake

and mine,

we should seek our happiness

on our own

and not

together.

2100 hrs February 20th 2007

I dunno

I dunno

I dunno

Every fuck shit also dunno.

Gimme an answer like

YES or NO!!!

Either you're IN or OUT!!!

If you're OUT,

get the fuck

and stay the fuck

OUT.

Imagine this,

Do you Mr I Dunno

take Miss XXX

as your lawful wife,

to have and to hold,

from this day forward,

for better or worse,

for richer or poorer,

in health or in sickness,

to love and cherish,

from this day forward,

until death do us part?

I dunno....

Er, I need time to think about it,

gimme till March 3rd,

I promise you answer by then.

You lame spineless piece of

metabolic waste product,

you make a boneless chicken

look like a street gangster.

I admire people

who make mistakes

and admit it.

Be first to stand

on your own two feet

like a real man

and admit,

Sorry, I fucked up

it won't happen again,

I promise.

I dunno

I dunno

I dunno.

You dunno what you want

and how to get it.

You dunno where you're going

and how to get there.

Like a lump of sewerage

floating aimlessly

in a septic tank,

YOU DUNNO

1020 hrs Febuary 18th 2007

Exactly four years ago,

on this day,

like a vision

of daybreak

on a warm Saturday morning sun

she slipped into

the shadows

of my life.

Exactly

where have we been,

in 4 years?

And

where are we

going to?

4 weeks slip into

4 months into

4 years

and it appears

we're still

running

on the same old spot.

Like a roller coaster

with its thrills and spills,

its ups and downs,

exuberent highs

and devastating lows,

but always back

to the same old spot.

Still at the starting line,

we never really ran.

Or maybe,

it was just me

who ran

so far ahead

of you.

You did not run,

maybe

you just didn't

want to.

And each time I look back

I gotta drag myself

back

to the starting line

all over again,

where you've been.

Like in the Greek mythology,

Sisyphus pushing the huge boulder

up the hill

only to tire

and see the boulder

rolling back

to the bottom,

and for all eternity

Sisyphus been condemned

to keep pushing

the boulder

up the hill,

a task

that will never

ever be completed.

Love is like that boulder

it is never done,

it takes all your energy

and it always roll back

to the same old spot.

You know

our happiest days

were

when we never really

have to try

very hard.

Is ours just a dream

that will never

ever come true,

or is ours a nightmare

that will never

ever go away?

Just for how long more

do I have

to keep hanging on?

To this illusion

of the unreality

of love

or the reality

of unlove?

Just for how long more?

do I have to keep pushing

this boulder of love?

Will we ever reach

the top of the hill

together?

1820 hrs February 11th 2007

It was a sad lonely Saturday afternoon

away from you.

I wandered aimlessly around

Simei town centre,

wondering what

I should do.

I sat down

at a kopi tiam,

for late lunch.

Fried noodles

swimming in an ocean

of trans fat.

Tasted remarkably

like what I had

in Beijing.

If trans fat,

is a real health hazard,

according to New York's health authorities,

China's population

would be half

of America's

and the other half

dropping dead

of heart diseases.

Stupid fat fuck Americans.

They still don't get it,

its not what you eat,

its how much you eat,

Fat Fuck.

An elderly man

sat across me,

looking blankly

over a glass

of coffee with milk.

He doesn't seem

to be headed anywhere

or meeting anybody.

He was just contented

stirring his coffee

alone.

Maybe that is what

years of practising

dining alone

does to you.

I spotted a kid

frolicking away

in the open space

under the watchful eye

of a Filipino maid.

Makes me wonder

why do people have children for?

When the best family time

you have in your child's waking day,

is your weekend,

and you despatched the maid

to spend

what would have been

the joyous part

of parenthood

and weekend

notwithstanding.

Some people do not deserve

to be parents.

A woman in sunglasses

wearing a permanent scrowl

on her face

walked past.

She adorned

a white T-shirt

that shouted out

SYDNEY,

and a picture

of Sydney Harbour Bridge.

Does she understand

the architectural significance

of the Sydney Harbour Bridge?

Or the number of people

who died building it?

Or the number of people

who committed suicide

from it,

during the Great Depression

of the 1930s?

Or it was the scene

of White-Abroginal reconcilation

not too long ago?

I don't think so.

For her,

that cheap T-shirt

was no more

than a bragging right,

that she's been

to Sydney.

Big fucking deal.

I walked over

to the little acquarium.

The uncle there

was fast asleep.

I gently woke him up

and bought 5 parrot fish

for $20.

Walked home,

and released them

in the condo pond.

I hope they're happier now.

Swam 15 laps

and then to the sauna,

feeling like

a new man.

I blared Tiger Okoshi

on the stereo,

his piercing trumpet

blasts

over the cool night

as I sipped

the honey choya,

looking for the heart

of Saturday night,

wondering

if she is

alright

1440 hrs February 9th 2007

So here I am

once more

Back home

after 5 grueling weeks

in Hong Kong.

Alone and miserable in

Hong Kong

Alone and miserable in

Singapore.

Stuck in a long distance relationship

with an absentee girlfriend,

Coming back home

to a dying father.

I begin to think

about

SEX, DEATH, RELIGION.

Humans are naturally

driven

to have sex.

It is our primal instincts

and the reason being,

like in all living things,

to perpetuate

our species.

We want to reproduce

because it gives us

this sense of perpetuity.

Our biology is geared

towards attaining perpepuity.

Perpetuity in the form

of passing our genetic material

to the next generation,

and hopefully,

it goes on and on.

Asian races even have

a hangup about having sons

instead of daughters

so as to

"carry the family name".

True, many of us want to have sex

without having kids or

pass on our genetic material.

That is just social evolution

dictating

our social behaviour.

I'm referring to the psychology

behind the biology.

Inherently,

we fear death.

We do not want to die

or at least

live to a "ripe old age".

I've seen the terminally sick and elderly

in hospitals

who cling on to life

whilst suffering everyday,

like as though tomorrow

will be a better day.

Why not die?

Again, it is against

our biological makeup

to want to die.

When you see people dying

in a drowning incident,

you see the tremendous struggle

to stay alive.

When we are put,

in a potentiall fatal situation,

like a close shave from

a car accident,

we always get

traumatised

by the shock

of facing possible death.

We are biologically hardwired

to want to live

for as long

as we can

I suspect

it has to do

with perpetuating

our species.

Suicide cases

are psychology going ahead

of biology.

Why then,

is the appeal

of global religions?

Notice that all religions

promise

one form of life or the other

after death.

Therein lies

the appeal,

the promise

of perpetuity.

It is even a booming business

to sell products

promising youthful good looks,

the illusion of perpetuity.

In that aspect,

religion

is just a big jar

of FANCL TENSE UP

or Eu Yan San bird nest

with collagen.

All in the business

of perpetuity.

My guess is

I will feel equally good

just having sex,

lots of sex.