0400 HRS 29TH APR 2013

Its 4 am

I can't sleep

I am drained

Exhausted

Sapped

of all Life's energies.

Emotionally,

I am numb.

Intellectually,

I am depleted.

Physically,

I am tired.

Spiritually,

I feel like a ghost

who lived his life

and now

only have

useless memories.

Life is as interesting

as Sisyphus

condemned to

exerting all your strength

rolling the boulder

up the hill

and watch it

roll back down.

And then repeating

the whole process.

I wish to end it all,

so that my son

can benefit from my

life insurances.

Am probably worth more

dead than alive.

He is the ONLY reason

why I live

anyway.

I just want to hear

his little laughter.

Knowing my fucking luck,

his Mum will make him

hate me

anyway

1435 hrs 16th August 2012

My dearest son,

you turned 3

yesterday.

I often looked at you

and wonder

how will you

turn out?

I see your passion

for all animals

You loved

cows, goats, camels and elephants

because they looked funny

And then,

you loved cheetahs

because of the way

they ran

And now,

you love dinosaurs

especially T-Rex

because they are

fearsome

I am constantly amazed

by your fertile imagination

In your world,

T-Rex can dance

and sing,

Meerkats can go

Changi beach,

Elephants can go

to school

You make up stories

for yourself

Diplodocus got stomachache!!!

T-Rex so scared of water!!!

Triceratops good boy go and sleep!!!

It takes absolutely nothing

to amuse you

Even the most mundane

things around you

are a constant source

of amusement

a dead mosquito

a scurrying cockroach

a slithering snail

Your boundless enthusiasm

is a miracle to behold

You hate to sleep

Like sleep

is a waste

of your precious time

You're so focused

in everything you do

Compared to you,

Dad is as focused

as your hamster.

And that personality!!!

I can't believe

how it is already shaping up.

You fear NO PUNISHMENT

your only fear

is DEPRIVATION.

That strange bond

between you and me.

We don't do alot of things

together, I admit.

But yet,

you just want

your Dodi to be around

no matter what.

Son,

Life has a way

of wearing you down.

I hope and pray,

that

your lust for Life

will remain with you

ALWAYS

0630 HRS 12TH JULY 2012

When things fall apart

The centre cannot hold.

What is the centre?

Was it an invisible bond?

Some people call Love?

Was it a creation

of an offspring

the product of?

Or was it

just a means

to an economic end?

And when the end

has exhuasted

its productive usefulness

there is precious

little left

but the joyous

childhood

that fills

the dreaded vaccuum

of our lives

Just what is

the centre?

Is it another

delusion?

Did we create

a life

to live

our lie?

Even if it is

a painful lie

Should it

go on?

What value

does it bring

if we choose

either path

What consequences

does it bring

Can we bear

the cost

of our failures?

Or maybe

the product of our failure

is doomed anyway.

Should I hang around

long enough

to find out?

1800 HRS 13 th May 2012

I was 10 years old,

and an extremely avid reader.

Mummy encouraged reading,

Dad thought it was a sissy activity

for girls and not boys.

Mum would bring me

every weekend

to Lucky Bookshop

at Siglap,

no matter how poor

we were,

she would buy me

a new book.

There was once,

I was in the shop,

I chose this book,

"Adventures of Huckleberry Finn".

The auntie at the shop

said I cannot read this book.

It was too difficult,

and snatched the book away from me

like as though

I tried to steal that book.

I walked out of the shop

looking miserable.

Mum asked why didn't I

choose a book.

I said I did,

but auntie would not

let me buy it

because she said

it was too difficult

for me.

Mum looked at the auntie,

and asked,

which is the book,

my son wanted?

Auntie said,

that book is an American literature classic,

it is too difficult

for you son.

Mum said,

I'm buying that book.

And please don't tell my son

any book is too difficult

for him.

And so I read my first

literature classic.

2300 HRS 20 th January 2012

Happy Birthday Dad,

You would have been

84

You left us

3 years ago

I wished I could tell you

the things you said

the things you did

as a husband

and a father

are so much clearer

now.

There was a time,

we were poor,

you gave every cent

to Mum

who gave you

a measly

weekly allowance

of $15

Once you asked me,

Boon, do you know

how it feels,

I cannot even afford

to buy beers

for my friends?

Sorry Dad

I didn't know then,

I do now.

Mum used to accuse you

of having a mistress.

I actually believed her

and hated you.

I can't believe

how stupid I was.

Mistresses cost money

and $15 was not

mistress money

even then.

I hated Mum

for nagging about money

But you used to tell me

She's not a bad mother

Just a hot tempered one

If you lived the life she lived

You wiould understand.

No matter how bad

money was,

she would always buy

story books for you.

Yes I had more Enid Blyton

and Hardy Boys

than anyone I knew.

Not bad for a

bus driver's kid.

You had to work

2 jobs.

Your school bus business

in the day time,

and as a STC bus driver

at night.

Every night

I would wake up

when I heard your motorbike

pulling in.

I would rush to you

and you would carry me

on your broad shoulders

Daddy Horse Daddy Horse

I squealed in delight.

You would give me

50 cents

and I would immediately

deposit in the piggy bank.

That's your school money, Son

you said.

Study hard.

You needed to overhaul

the school bus engine.

Mum said,

Take the money

from Boon.

We took my piggy banks

to POSB Siglap

I saw the tears

in your eyes

when you collected

the cheque.

I didn't know why

I do now.

It hurt you

like a knife through

your heart

to even touch

my money.

All your life

you just gave and gave

until there is no life energy left

for you to give.

Happy Birthday Dad

I miss you so

1600 HRS 10th July 2011

There's so much fuss these days

about a grandpa

carrying his grand daughter's

school bag.

I suddenly remembered

about the time

I was in Primary 4

at St Stephen's.

We had a school camp,

during the holidays.

Wasn't exactly a camp,

we slept in the classrooms,

on strawmats

on the concrete floor.

Dad sent me

to the school camp.

He saw our

sleeping quarters

in the classrooms.

He hugged me

and said goodbye

Enjoy yourself,

make sure you

eat your rice

and your vegetables.

We were

in the middle of

soap carving class.

I was trying to

carve a school bus

out of that

block of soap.

Dad reappeared,

I got you something Son.

I left it in the classroom,

your sleeping space.

After class,

I went to take a look.

Oh my God!!!

Dad brought me an

8 inch thick Dunlopillo mattress!!!

Sure,

I could hear some teachers,

making comments,

So spoilt,

So pampered.....

Well,

fuck you all.

I think I turned out OK.

Thanks Dad

1800 HRS 3 rd July 2011

I've always hated choke (congee)

No matter how tasty it is

It reminded me of the torment

as a wheezy asthmatic kid

Choke for breakfast, lunch and dinner

Even till today

almost 47

the very thought of choke

makes me sick.

I lived in HK for almost 7 years

During one of my home visits,

Dad said he will treat me

for lunch.

I was sitting in school bus

Where are we going Dad?

Aiya you shut up lah

Dad will take you

to this special place

Confirm you will like one

We went to Joo Chiat

and had chicken choke

I hated every spoonful

it was nice

I admit,

but I hated it

no less.

I came home,

Mum asked,

Where did Dad

take you?

To Joo Chiat lor

Eat choke har

Ya lor

But you don't like choke what.

Mum remembered.

Dad I truly appreciate

your effort

I am Dad now

Dads are

CLUELESS

0200 HRS 21 st August 2010

Slow down my only son

lay down your head

and get some sleep

you only have this

number of hours

in a day

there is always tomorrow

to wake up to.

Slow down my only son

you have your whole life ahead

to chase

all your dreams

always remember

the laughter

you have right now,

and keep it always

in your heart

as you let

Life's disappointments pass


Slow down my only son

some days you'll find

fortune never smiles

and you seemed

to be dealt

one bad card

after another

do remember

when you've picked yourself up

as you learnt to walk

how determined you were

to be on your own

two tiny feet


Slow down my only son

Dad will pick you

whenever you fall

but you do know

it won't be forever.

just take good care

of your mother

as she once taken

good care of you


Slow down my only son

I wished

I'd given you a brother

or a sister

but do not ever feel

that you're all alone

just be still

and hear

the voice of God

close your eyes

in your darkest despair

and you may just see

Dad smiling on you

2100 HRS 15th August 2010

I can hardly believe

its been a year

already.

Where have those

12 months

disappeared to?

Like the fine sand

at Samui,

I thought I had time

in my hand

suddenly its gone.

I was there,

I know.

But somehow,

each moment

was so fleeting,

before I could

fully absorb

the experience

fully laugh

at the hilarious

fully amaze

by your antics

fully assimilate

your entire existence

its gone

only to be replaced

with yet

something new,

leaving me

gasping

and breatheless

wishing I could

playback the scene

in slow mo.

Son,

I sometimes wish

you can slow down

a little,

so Dad can

catch up

with his Fatherhood.

Happy Birthday my boy

2100 HRS 9th December 2009

I've often been asked,

what if my son

chooses to support

Man U?

Made me think back

of watching football

with Dad.

Back in the 70s

Malaysia Cup

at the Kallang Stadium

when local passion

for football

was at its greatest.

60,000 fans

will be yelling ourselves

hoarse.

Our heroes

Quah Kim Song,

Dollah Kassim,

Siak Poh Leong,

Mohammad Noh,

Samad Alipichay.

Or more accurately

my heroes,

not Dad's.

Dad was Pahang born,

he always supported Pahang

I just didn't know that.

He merely joined me,

celebrated

when I celebrated,

consoled me

when I cried.

Until one night,

Singapore was playing Pahang.

We were thumping them

6-0

was the final score.

Each time we scored,

I was in ecstacy.

Until the last goal went in,

I turned to Dad,

to celebrate.

But I saw the look

on his face,

it was the look

of a broken man.

6 goals was even too much

even for that big man

to take.

I was too young

and stupid,

to know that

with each goal

it was like

a knife got stabbed

in his heart.

So if my son

were to support

Man U,

I will join him

and celebrate

his happiness,

be there for him

when he cries,

because

his happiness

will be my happiness,

and his tears

will be my tears,

even though

it can really hurt

sometimes.

Afterall,

we in Liverpool say,

YOU'D NEVER WALK ALONE

2300 HRS 6 th November 2009

I think

it was in the early 70s

or late 60s.

My uncles and older cousins

would come over

on weekends

on their motorbikes.

Bell bottomed jeans,

their girlfriends

hugging them tight

as pillon riders

one hand holding

an acoustic guitar.

Dad had this old hifi

that looked like a giant

cupboard,

flip up the top

and there's the turntable

inside.

The speakers were

built into

that cupboard.

They will be sitting

outside at night

behind PAP Siglap Kindergarten

drinking Tiger beers

with ice.

Dad will be blasting out

his favourite music,

from Beatles

to Led Zeppelin.

I knew every single song.

After several drinks,

without fail,

Dad will yell at me,

and I will reluctantly

walk over.

Tell uncle what song is this???

I would mutter out

Soldier of Fortune lor

And they will all roar

in laughter

at this screwed up

6 year old kid

2200 HRS 6th November 2009

I was in CJC

an angry young man

listening to Bob Dylan

and Bruce Springsteen.

A rebel without a cause.

I came home one day

pissed drunk,

reeking of booze

and smokes.

Mum went ballistic.

Dad said to her

let it be,

he is a young man.

Just how is he

gonna make friends

if he does not smoke

and drink

2100 HRS 6 th November 2009

Dad used to love bikes.

He had a 750 cc Kawasaki

in the 70s,

that bike was like

the fastest thing

on the road.

The roar of its engine

was such a pleasure

to my ears.

I was 16 years old

in St Pat's.

One evening,

I announced

to the family

over dinner

I wanna learn

to ride a bike.

Mum went hysterical

Jie nagged on and on

I finally conceded

forget it,

its a bad idea

I'm not gonna ride

a bike ever.

That night,

at about midnight,

when both Mum and Jie

were fast asleep

Dad woke me up.

I asked him,

What is it?

Why you woke me up?

He replied,

You wanna learn

to ride a bike?

Let's go biking now

0800 HRS 4th October 2009

At the break of dawn,

on 29 Sep 09,

Dad was gasping

for breath.

Mum rushed him

to the hospital.

On the ambulance,

Mum remained

by his side

all the time.

Dad gave a loud grunt

his usual way of

calling out for Mum.

Mum comforted him,

its okay, we're going

to the hospital,

see the doctor,

and the doctor

will take good care

of you.

Just a little while more,

you'd be fine.

Dad closed his eyes

peacefully,

and never woke again.

It was his way

of saying goodbye

to his wife

of 51 years.

Up to the end,

the Leader of the band

2000 HRS 3 rd October 2009

You left us almost 3 years ago,

when you became incapacitated,

you could not move,

you could not talk.

You could only eat

via tubes

through the nose.

Breathing

was a momentous task,

as you heaved

each breathe.

I visited you every week

to say hello.

Sometimes it was easy

to forget

you were there.

But you hung on,

for 3 years,

till I told you,

that you have

a grandson

called Van-Dylan Koh Thien An

and I repeated

that his surname is Koh

your bloodline.

I showed you

his photos,

as you stared

with glassy eyes.

When I was preparing

to fly back,

I hugged Mum,

said goodbye

to everyone.

It was easy

to forget

you were there.

I stepped out

of the flat,

and walked down

the corridor.

Something made me

take a look back

to wave goodbye

to Mum,

when I saw,

you were lying

on your side,

staring at me

with those glassy eyes,

this time

tearful.

I dropped my bag

and rushed back

indoors.

Dad, I'm so sorry

I have to go now,

I'm going home

to Bangkok,

to look after

your grandson,

Van-Dylan Koh Thien An.

I kissed your forehead

and said goodbye.

How was I supposed to know

that it would be

your final farewell?

Now when I think back

of the way

you made

our final parting,

it was sweet

it was beautiful.

Thanks Pa,

even till the end,

with whatever little

life energy

you had left,

you still said goodbye

in a way

only you can.

I'm just a living legacy

of the

Leader of the Band

1800 HRS 3 rd October 2009

Not too long ago,

you moved in with me

because you had

a fight

with Mum.

I went to your room,

and said,

you're a husband,

a father,

and a grandfather.

Why can't you carry

yourself

more like a husband,

a father,

and a grandfather?

What a stupid

smartass thing

to say.

You just retorted,

Boon,

you never lived my life.

Stop making judgements

when you never lived my life.

Well Mr Financial Markets Hotshot,

your Dad

who does not read nor write

just shut you up

and taught you

a lesson in life.

1200 HRS 2nd October 2009

I remember the stupid fights

we used to have.

I was a rebellious teenager

and hated talking to you.

I don't know why

it was so hard

to talk to you.

You used to say,

wait till the army gets you.

They will teach you

you will know

how to suffer.

They will teach you

and you will

finally be

a man.

I went to army

and got posted

to demolition.

I saw your face

turn pale

with worry.

As you thought

of me dying

in an accidental

bomb blast.

You spent the next

one year,

talking to friends,

army officers,

even the MP of Siglap

Encik Rahim Ishak,

trying to get me out

of demolition.

I've only got one son

you would tell them,

please take him out

of demolition.

One day I came home

and told you

they posted me out

of demolition

into admin.

You asked,

what happened?

I said

I got downgraded,

I failed the medical.

You grinned,

and said

GOOD

1400 HRS 1st October 2009

We were kids

at PAP Siglap Kindergarten.

We were lining up

two by two

the shortest kids

up in front.

Peng Kwee and I

were in front.

He was a stout

little kid.

I was scrawny.

He wanted to play

ballroom dancing.

He grabbed my wrist

and swung my arm

over my head

dislocating my arm

my elbow

and my wrist!!!

Till today,

I still remember

the blue and black

stripped T-shirt

he wore.

And that worried look

on his face

as I screamed

in pain.

Dad brought me

to this Chinese sinseh

kept reassuring me

it will be okay

very soon.

The Chinese sinseh

fixed me

one dislocation

at a time.

It hurt no less

each time.

Dad was holding me,

repeatedly telling me

I'll be okay soon

and we will go home

and play with the dogs.

I trusted Dad,

and soon

we're back home

having lunch.

I was still sobbing,

Dad said,

its okay,

Peng Kwee was only playing.

He didn't want to hurt you,

he was only playing.

And you know why

he is so strong?

Because he eats

his rice

and vegetables,

thats why he is

so strong,

because he eats

his rice and vegetables.

I gorged at my rice bowl

and stuffed myself

with rice

and vegetables

that day.

Hey Bird,

its been 40 years now,

how about

a little dance?

1200 HRS 30th September 2009

I was primary 4

at St Stephen's.

Afternoon session

another gruelling day

with Mrs Thambiah.

After school,

I ran up the slope

where you were waiting

in your half squat

arms wide opened.

I ran up to you

and you gave me

a nice bear hug.

Kissed my head.

Boy, Mummy got baby already you know?

I looked up at your grinning face

Boy or Girl???

I demanded.

Girl.

The joyful expression

disappeared

from my face.

I pulled away from

your hug,

ran down the slope

to the tuckshop,

wailing

YOU ALL PURPOSELY ONE!!!

I KNOW!!!

YOU ALL PURPOSELY ONE!!!

I could hear your laughter

What a laughter

Nobody laughs

like the way you did,

a whole hearted

from the bottom of the gut

laughter.

I can still hear

that laughter now.

Pa, can you laugh again

for me

just one more time

0200 hrs 30th September 2009

It was

the longest flight

I ever took.

I flew home

to bury my father.

Tears streamed down

my cheeks.

My neighbour asked

is everything ok?

My dad passed away

this morning,

he gave me a tissue.

Memories flooded back,

in the drone of the aircraft.

I was at Stephen's.

We were watching some boys

playing a game of rounders.

Pa I want to play.

He walked up to the boys.

Who is captain of team?

A boy lifted up his hand

My son want to play

let him play.

The boy's face showed dismay

I was barely taller

than the bat.

But you don't argue

with a grown up

in Ray Ban sunglasses.

Just hit the ball hard

and run to where that boy is.

He pointed at 1st base.

We were losing.

We had boys

at 1st base

2nd base

and 3rd base.

I was the last batsman.

Boon, hit the ball hard

and run!!!

The ball came flying in,

I swung the bat.

Was not even close.

This is becoming silly.

I never played this game before

and probably never will again.

The ball came flying in again,

I missed again.

Boon, hit the ball hard

and run!!!

This was my last chance.

The ball came flying in again,

I swung my body

and the bat connected sweetly.

The ball flew across the field

towards Siglap Primary.

Boon RUN!!!

I dashed towards 1st base.

But dad was still yelling

The boys were squealing

in a way only primary boys could.

I was confused.

I thought I did as I was told.

Boon RUN!!!

He pointed at 3rd base.

I ran again

towards 3rd base.

The boys squealed.

NO!!! 2nd base!!!

The ball was so far

I had the time

to run from 3rd base

to 2nd base.

The sound of his joyous laughter

rang in my ears,

as I made

my home run.

I was the hero.

More importantly,

I was Dad's hero

for that precious few seconds.

Dad taught me

never to doubt

Hit the ball hard

and run.

A few years later,

I was more interested

in football.

I could shoot

with both feet.

And over 10-20 metres

no kid could outrun me.

But I was one third

the size of

Jerome Aeira.

Dad bought Mr Sheperdson

some drinks.

And Mr Sheperdson

asked me to train

with the school team.

Naturally I never made it

to the first team.

But training with the big boys

was blissful enough.

And Dad knew it.

He never allowed

my lack of height

or stature

to handicap myself.

When I was in Primary 1,

a bigger kid

slapped my ear.

When Dad came

to pick me up

after school,

I was tearful.

Boon, who bully you???

He bellowed,

in that loud resonating voice.

I shooked my head

in defiance,

looking out

of his van's window.

He held my little hand,

tell me who bully you???

I walked hand in hand

with Dad,

sobbing openly now,

and pointed out that kid.

You bully my son???

He left me alone

after that

never saw him again

after PSLE.

36 years later,

in his hazy state of dementia,

he whispered to me

Boon, who bully you???

Then it suddenly became clear

His entire life

was spent protecting me

even in his frail later years

he remained crystallised

in his protective ways.

He used to bring the family

to Palm Beach Bedok

for seafood.

He would just serve us,

as we devour the food.

He would only eat

some fried rice

and beers.

All his life,

he wanted to provide.

He reckoned

by not eating,

there would be more

for us to eat.

Watching us enjoy

was enjoyment enough

for him.

Dad, you gave and gave

till there was no more life energy

left in you.

Giving to your family,

was your entire being.

My greatest achievement

in Life

would be the father

you once were.

My greatest failure

would be otherwise.

Rest in Peace Dad,

I love you always

1850 hrs 11th September 2009

Seems like only yesterday,

when I looked

at the stars above

and stood

in the shadows

of the moonlight.

The vastness

of the rooftop terrace

stuck an empty chord.

Nothing seems more bleak

than buying a condo alone.

The street lights

were shining below,

I saw a happy couple

holding each other,

As I held my can of beer.

Coming home

through an empty hallway

staggering upstairs,

in drunken stupor

My only redemption.

I cursed

another blown lightbulb

On the chandelier.

I peered out

Of the staircase window,

The Korean kids

Were laughing at the pool.

I’ve always loved

the laughter Of young children.

But this time,

In my drunken haze

They seemed like

A mockery.

Annyong fucking hasaeyo to you too.

And to your obnoxious father

Who is at least 10 years

Younger than me.

Oh God,

What is happening to me?

As a kid,

I used to enjoy

My own solitude.

Who the fuck was I kidding?

A middle aged old man

Alone

And lonely.

What does it take

To fill that abyss Of my soul?

Is it so difficult

To want to share

Your life a little bit?

To find joy

In being wholly responsible

For someone

Other than yourself?

God,

Can you hear

My despair?

He did,

And my prayers became

A little boy.

1800 hrs 18th July 2009

Lord,

as we prepare

to welcome Van-Dylan

into this world,

I prayfor his safe passage.

As I prepare

for fatherhood,

grant me wisdom

that I may guide him,

grant me stength

that I may provide for him,

grant me peace

that I may shelter him.

Grant him enthusiasm

that he may seek

to live

the wonderment of life

to the fullest.

Grant him dreams

that the quest

to experience your miracles

you manifest

in this world

be his lifelong crusade.

Grant him love

that is your greatest gift

that he may love you

and your all

of your amazing creations,

and that his love

will be always

be a pleasure

for you to behold.

Fill his soul,

with the Holy Spirit,

that his words and actions,

will always be

a glowing testimonyfor you.

Fill his heart,

with blissful joy,

that his life

will touch you

and all of us

privileged to be

around him.

For afterall,

he is your gift

to us.

Amen

0035HRS NOVEMBER 1ST 2008

Nobody falls in love by choice

its by chance.

Nobody stays in love by chance

its by work.

Nobody falls out of love by work

its by choice

2245 HRS OCTOBER 31ST 2008

I read with utter disgust

PM Lee Hsien Loong's

letter of condolence

to the sons of

JB Jeyaretnam.

Here,

we have two sons

grieving

over the loss

of their father,

and all our prime minister

have to say,

was

"he sought by all means

to demolish the PAP

and our system of government.

Unfortunately,

this helped neither

to build up a

constructive opposition

nor our Parliamentary tradition"

Some letter of condolence.

This was condolence

like Singapore

is a democracy.

Singapore is as

democratic as

Zimbabwe.

Only our public toilets

are cleaner.

Mr Prime Minister sir,

you're about as sensitive

as silicon breast implants.

You just made Kim Jong Il

look like a polished diplomat.

You went on,

to talk about,

how your PAP government

ensured that

the sons of JB Jeyaretnam

were not prejudiced

in finding employment

in Singapore.

Right,

self glorification

about your compassion

in a letter of condolence.

You just proved

you're as compassionate

as Adolf Hitler.

The next time we complain

about Singaporeans being

an uncompassionate lot,

we know

it started from

the very top.

Our kids sing

on National Day,

there is no place else,

I'd want to be.

Maybe Zimbabwe

sounds nicer.

At least Robert Mugabe

does not pretend

to be democratic.

You fucking cold blooded reptile

1320 HRS OCTOBER 15TH

Today's papers reported.

Singapore's Olympic silver medal

winning table tennis team,

is quitting Singapore

to ply their trade

elsewhere.

Barely two months,

after winning the silver medal

and pocketing

Singaporean taxpayer's

$750,000

they decided to quit Singapore,

to ply their trade elsewhere.

Singapore Sports Minister said,

they may be China born,

but they played their hearts out

for Singapore.

Right.

Now, they're quitting.

Did they play their hearts out

for Singapore,

or for the prize money?

If indeed they played their

hearts out for Singapore,

how about giving us

the money back?

Nobody seems to remember,

they bitched and moaned

about paying income tax

on their prize money.

Yeah, they played their hearts out

for Singapore,

and after taking the money,

they won't pay tax,

won't give anything back.

These Singapore government guys

simply don't get it.

Perhaps they never will.

Singaporeans are Singaporeans.

No amount of money you throw

at a foreigner,

will turn him or her

into a Singaporean.

You just given them

a NRIC

and lots of money,

but you did not make them

a Singaporean.

Now our preparations

of London Olympics 2012

are all shattered,

because of a bunch of people

that this government said

played their hearts out

for Singapore.

1700 HRS OCTOBER 9TH 2008

Spent the last 10 days

in Vietnam.

What a great time.

Had a lovely chat,

with my grandpa in law.

He is a REAL DUDE.

DA MAN....

He was suspected

of collabarating with

French and American imperialists.

The Viet Cong captured him

and tortured him.

Put him in a

squatting space only

bamboo cage.

He stayed there for months.

Ate in there, slept in there,

shit in there.

Beaten, stabbed,

branded with hot irons.

Refused to confess

to the bitter end.

All those who confessed

were subsequently

buried alive.

Grandpa in law

was a simple fisherman.

What the fuck he cares

about Marxism, socialism, capitalism, democracy???

The Vietcongs

terrorized the fishermen

in his village.

They came at night

demanding food and medicine

and sometimes shelter

for their wounded.

Would you dare to argue

against someone

with a loaded machine gun???

And for that,

the Americans

pounded his village

daily with bombs.

Cannon shells shot

over from the warships

destroying the village,

flattening all the houses.

Grandpa in law

dug a tunnel

under his house,

reinforced it with concrete.

To protect the family.

They will survive

near misses,

but not direct hits.

Neighbouring families

dugged into concrete reinforced

tunnels,

who got direct hits

from incoming cannon shells

were wiped out.

Fuck you Americans la.

If its the Viet Cong

you were looking for,

they've all ran

to the neighbouring mountains.

The small handful still hiding

in the village,

were mortally wounded

and not battle worthy.

But you Americans still

proceed your murderous

bombing campaign,

obliterating villages,

annihilating thousands

of innocent fishermen.

And today,

you fucking dare to

whine,

bitch,

moan

about 9-11 ?

For all the deaths

and sufferings

you caused

in Vietnam alone,

you deserve to have

at least a thousand more

9-11s !!!

You do not have

the moral authority

to even question,

why people hate Americans

so much!!!!

There is no other nation

more violent

and war mongering

than you guys!!!

I used to think

American citizens

are alright,

just unfortunate

to have a government

with a violent

and war mongering

foreign policy.

But you guys

voted a murderer

like George Bush,

not once,

but twice.

Don't ever whine

when the world hates you.

You deserve

every bit of misery

you get.

You're so lucky

people like grandpa in law

are too peaceful.

He still suffers nightmares

of of the war.

But he is just happy

to have survived

3 wars.

Trust me,

some people

are not so benign,

they will want

to get even.

1235 HRS SEPTEMBER 24TH 2008

There is just simply no end

to this Swingabore government bullshit.

Two Singaporean paraplegics

won a gold, a silver and 2 bronzes

in Paralympics.

And they get paid 1/10th

the amount

that was promised

to the Chinese table tennis players.

These Singaporeans,

overcame physical disability

and against insurmountable odds

went beyond their handicaps

and won for the country

of their birth.

And they get paid 1/10th

when they deserve to be paid

10 times more

and not 1/10th.

Fuck you la Swingabore.

Just because these

Singaporean paraplegics

are not your expensive

foreign talent programme

and they achieved

a whole lot more,

so you pay them

a whole lot less.

I try so hard

to think like the way

you do,

but I can't push

my head up

my ass

quite far enough.

1645 HRS SEPTEMBER 5TH 2008

I was talking to my friend,

when suddenly we talked about

Dr Vivian Balakrishnan.

I wanted to talk about this guy

for a long time,

but he is such a forgetable

and laughable character,

I never got down to it.

I remembered early this year,

Dr Vivian talked about

wooing overseas Singaporeans

to come back.

Yeah right,

after years of

dictatorial oppression

by your PAP government,

driving out hundreds of thousands

of the smartest

and most talented Singaporeans

of my generation,

and now you want them back?

Just what do you have here?

Other than your

multi million dollar

minister salaries.

Can you afford to pay them

your kind of salaries?

Otherwise, what?

Do you think

they are hard up

for a smaller house here

than what they have there?

A smaller car here

than what they have there?

Why did they leave,

in the very first place?

Because its better

to have a say,

to have a voice

than forever live in fear

whenever you have

a dissenting voice.

Back home in Singapore,

we are all nothing but statistics

to our dictatorial government.

We have no say,

no voice.

We do everything we were told,

and the Lees do anything,

they feel like.

My friend Martyn See

made a movie "Singapore Rebel"

and kena hauled off

to the police station

being questioned

for hours.

And his film

got banned

and further warned

never to make another

similiar movie.

Does the talented overseas Singaporeans

want to live in your kind

of police state?

Maybe if you offer everyone

your kind of salary.

Having said that,

Dr Vivian,

please lah...

your youth days in NJC,

you were so anti-government.

Until you joined the government.

Yes, you sold your soul

for government money.

So throwing money

at talented overseas Singaporeans,

might just work.

Again, at the tax payer expense,

of Singaporeans

working their lives out

like a dog.

I remember

when you first joined the government.

You said,

you wanted to make a difference.

Please la,

you knew,

if you really wanted

to make a difference,

you would NOT

have joined the government

and just being another

barking dog

for your Lee family bosses.

In the meantime,

Dr Vivian,

stop talking cock lah.

2300 HRS AUGUST 25TH 2008

This fucking Swingabore government

every fucking year

they raise tobacco taxes

in the name of

"discouraging smoking".

All well and good.

You win,

you're the good guy.

I'm trying to quit smoking.

But,

one question Sir,

if the government is trying

to discourage smoking

by imposing high tobacco taxes,

why the hell fuck

is the cost of nicotine gum

TWICE that of cigarettes?

If you really want to

"discourage smoking",

why didn't you subsidse

part of the cost

of giving up smoking,

using the hefty income

you made from

tobacco taxes?

Its so fucking easy

to expose

the fucking money grabbing

greed

of this fucking Swingabore government.

Fucking hippocrites.

1755 HRS AUGUST 20TH 2008

So Singapore

won its first

Olympic medal

since 1960.

Big cause for celebration.

Chinese players

wearing a Singaporean shirt.

Sports Minister said

the players maybe

Chinese born and bred

but they are

Singaporean citizens

and they played their hearts out

for Singapore.

Yeah right.

They just happen

to be paid

alot of money

$750,000

to get that medal.

The highest in the world

for an Olympic medal.

They were paid alot of money

to migrate to Singapore

and be Singapore citizens.

They were paid alot of money,

and its all our money.

Tax payers money.

They did not come here

because they love laksa.

They did not come here

because they love doing

national service.

They did not come here

because they want to learn

Singlish.

In fact they do

everything they can,

not to learn Singlish.

The only thing Singaporean

about them,

is their NRIC cards

and they earn tax payers money.

Lots of money.

Why celebrate?

Well, Singapore has for

about 12 years now

been trying to buy

us an Olympic medal.

We finally got

what we paid for

after about 12 years.

Yeah,

big cause for celebration

1635 HRS AUGUST 4TH 2008

Old friends

we were once young

naive and innocent.

now we're past middle aged,

past 40,

pushing 50 soon

like a tired old

bulldozer.

when was the last time,

we met?

did you say 15 years ago?

we've put on some weight

our hair is greying

our knees ache

i didn't know.

we shared our life stories

thrills and spills.

how we fell

and how we rose again.

but we always knew

we're still there

to have a laugh.

years apart

but yet

we were so

at ease

with each other.

its like as though

there were no years

in between.

you used to complete

my sentences

when I ran out

of words.

all these years later,

somehow we just knew

what each of us

would say,

even before we began

a sentence.

where are those years guys?

where have they gone to?

we were wild.

we were rebellious

we were angry

we didn't know why.

we thought

we were different.

but now we know

we were just stupid,

at least I was.

those are memories now

distant memories.

but because we remember,

we remain friends

dear to our hearts.

i forgot how

friendship used to be

so innocent.

we had nothing

we could use.

friendship was pure

with no monetary benefit.

networking was not invented

when you were in college.

So lets raise a glass

or two

as we talked

about our dreams

aspirations

failures

successes.

how our lives

diverged

and how we can still

pick up so easily

where we left off.

it made us laugh

it made us cry.

we lost all those years

drifting apart

lets not make

that same mistake

again.

Friends like Us

don't always come by

you realised that.

1225 HRS JULY 29TH 2008

Amnesty International

making an issue

that human rights have not improved

in Beijing

inspite of the Olympics Games 2008

being awared to Beijing.

Just what the hell fuck

is all that about?

If human rights is the basis

of awarding Olympic Games

to a city,

why the hell fuck then,

did they award Olympic Games 1936

to Hitler's Berlin?

1530 HRS JULY 28TH 2008

Have not written

for many months.

Since I moved office

and no longer have the luxury

of having the privacy

to write.

But I just have to,

say something

about what I just read.

Scientists estimate,

that the USA have

about 86 billion barrels

of crude oil,

that is still untapped.

Considering that the USA

consumes about 7.5 billion barrels

of crude oil annually,

that translates to about 12 years

of crude oil,

that is independent of Middle East supplies.

Yet, presidential candidate Barack Obama said,

"Offshore drilling would not lower gas prices today,

it would not lower gas prices next year,

and it would not lower gas prices 5 eyars from now"

Yes, it is true

that newly discovered reserves of oil,

takes a long time to deliver.

But that does not mean you don't drill now!!!

Drill for those 86 billion barrels now

for fuck's sakes!!!!

Just because drilling for oil now

does not give you its benefits

does not mean you don't drill!!!

And Senator Obama Sir,

I disagree with you.

If you drill for oil now,

gas prices will drop IMMEDIATELY!!!

Lets say it takes 10 years,

for your crude oil

to come online,

and supply USA

for another 12 years,

what do you think,

the oil producers of the world

will do now?

They will immediately

sell their crude oil

like motherfucks!!!!

Coz they know,

in 10 years,

you don't need their oil!!!

So they sell their oil now,

flood the market with supply,

drive prices down for 10 years.

After 10 years,

you don't need them for

another 12 years.

In total of 22 years,

I can bet,

the world will have

alternative fuel sources

anyway.

Drill now you

stupid American motherfucker.

You can save the entire world,

a lot of grief

from expensive oil prices,

which incidentally,

your Hummers and SUVs

helped created

in the first place.

1100 HRS APRIL 9TH 2008

Last night,

she woke up at 2.45 am

to accompany me

watch Liverpool win

in one of the greatest nights

of my life.

No women have ever done that

for me.

I married her

169 days

after I met her.

I now regret

that I waited

that long.

1030 HRS MARCH 28TH 2008

Oh fuck,

just when I thought

I have nothing to do

on a Friday morning,

and looking forward

to the weekend,

I had to

just had to

read this fucking article

written by some fucking American

about how South East Asia

were once untouched

and forgotten paradises.

Critical

of how modern

and commercial

South East Asia

has become.

Blaming how

mass tourism

has ruined

or spoilt

these once untouched

paradises

of South East Asia.

Oh, get a fucking life

you motherfucker.

This is the reality of life now

you better get used to it.

Don't blame mass tourism,

modern civilisation

has accorded our people

with schools and education,

roads, ports, airports,

telecommunications, power supply,

clean water, advance medicine,

the infrastructure for modern life

to thrive on.

What is so mother fucking wrong with that?

Why put the blame on mass tourists?

As opposed to what?

Budget backpack tourists

of your fucking era?

Bringing a few dollars

to spend in a shoe string hostel,

and bringing along venereal diseases

and drugs?

South East Asia maybe living in

villages then,

but we sure as hell

can do without you

and your flower power hippee thrash.

For that matter,

why stop at old hippee

budget tourists?

Why not blame your

fucking colonial forefathers?

Why the fuck did they

come,

steal our land,

kill our men,

fuck our women?

South East Asia

was a greater paradise then.

Why don't you look

at your own fucked up country?

America was once

a beautiful paradise

of sweeping plains,

roaming buffaloes

great evergreen forests

and native Americans.

Why the fuck,

are you and your white thrash people

doing in America?

Why don't you guys all

go back to Europe

where you belong,

return America to

its rightful people,

the native Americans,

and turn America

back into a paradise

of sweeping plains

roaming buffaloes

great evergreen forests?

South East Asia is not ruined,

it has merely changed,

probably for the better.

If you're not gonna complain

about how America

is no longer a paradise,

just shut the fuck up

about our country.

Just Fuck Off

1545 HRS MARCH 25TH 2008

Just got back

from Shanghai.

That country is so amazing.

The scale of that economy

defied that little brain

of mine.

4 years ago,

driving along Pudong,

I saw thousands and thousands

of new condominums

with occupancy rate

of at most 10-15%.

My immediate analysis

was

OVERSUPPLY.

This property market

will crash.

But this time,

those same condominums

are like 99% occupied.

Even more amazing,

I can see its mostly

local Chinese

that are living

in those condos.

I could tell

by the underwear,

bras and panties

hanging by the windows.

It was 10 deg so

the windows were all closed

and they hung their laundry

by the windows

to get some sunlight.

Its stunning

how the size of this economy

could just absorb such supply

and still demand more.

Such a housing situation

would have sent Singapore

into a housing slump

needing decades

to recover.

Our last housing slump,

lasted 9 years.

When I walked around

Old Shanghai,

I did not like it

at first.

Just outside YuYuan,

I felt it was no more

than a fakey Disneyland type

of tourist trap.

Fake old buildings

and salesgirls peddling

fake cultural souvenirs

wearing fake chongsams.

And then I looked around

and realised,

about 95% of Shanghai's tourists

are Mainland Chinese

from other parts of China!!!

Such is this newly created wealth

and the scale of it

is just mind boggling.

Foreigners need not participate

they find it easier and faster

to sell to cash rich Chinese.

The last time I was

at Park 97 disco,

the place was teeming

with angmor men

and local chinese girls

throwing themselves

at them.

Now,

the angmor men

won't even get a look.

The locals were busy

partying

and boozing off

expensive whisky bottles.

Singapore is such

a backward place

by comparison.

Wife found

the grandmother

of factory outlets.

Right on the outskirt

of Shanghai,

with about 240

branded boutiques

and cash rich Mainlanders

walking around with bags

and bags of loot,

typically speaking

so loudly.

I felt like a poor loser

from Singapore,

making mental calculations

on the discount.

And of course,

the 431 kmph Maglev,

the fastest train

in the world.

It was a train ride

worthy of an orgasm.

The Germans built it

for China,

but they don't have

the money to build it

in Germany

although they have

the technology.

They must have thought,

the chinese were stupid

to pay for their technology

and build a train

that runs just 8 minutes

to the airport.

But just watch,

in a few years,

you will see

Chinese made Maglevs

running all over

China.

Not only that,

they will export

these trains too.

Just watch.

1525 HRS MARCH 19TH 2008

You asked,

just why do I hate Singapore so much?

You're so wrong.

I love Singapore.

I love this country,

thats why I raise issues

because I hope to see

a change.

If I don't give a shit,

I would not have bothered.

If Singapore is so good

in your eyes,

what is wrong

with someone like me

wanting to make it

even better?

If I speak

in the broadest sense,

my biggest dissatisfaction,

arises from my feeling

of being disenfranchised

by my own country.

I do not have a say,

my people do not have a say

in anything that goes on

in our own country.

From my previous rant,

about the overcrowded MRTs.

Its a common complaint,

but the ruling elite

will just throw in some statistics

and everybody shuts up.

I feel like building a cage

1 metre square,

and invite 6 MPs

in Parliament

including the Transport Minister

to cram into it

and stay there for 30 minutes.

Since I do not

the highest paid politicians

in the world,

to ever step inside

an MRT

in peak hours.

They tell us,

we need a population

of 6.5 million people,

without explaining

how the existing infrastructure

is going to cope.

We do not have a say

about immigration policies,

what sort of foreign talent

will they invite.

When I look around,

I only see the foreign,

not the talented.

Its the entire unquestioning system

that started from Minister Mentor Lee

and perpeptuated by Prime Minister Lee.

They decide

we all follow.

I suspect,

the Lee family considers

Parliamentary sessions

as a waste of time too,

just putting up a charade

so we can tell the world

we are a democracy.

We are not a democracy.

We are a dictatorship

acting as a democracy.

All policies

are determined

by the ruling elite.

And clearly,

in the formulation

of these policies,

the citizens

like you and me

are not considered

at all.

I see old men

staring quietly

into their beers

at the kopi tiams.

I see struggle written

on their faces.

I see their miserable

and demeaning existence.

Does anybody care?

And when I protest,

you ask me to migrate.

Just who the hell fuck

you think you are,

to deserve the right

to ask me to migrate

away from the country

of my birth?

This is precisely

the government attitude

towards its people.

The hotel checkin and checkout

attitude.

It can apply

to foreigners

with no vested interests here.

But nobody,

I repeat nobody.

Have a right

to ask me or you

to get lost.

Not even Lee Kuan Yew

and especially not you.

1650 HRS MARCH 17TH 2008

This motherfucking country.

When we complain of

overcrowded trains,

some fucking transport minister

throws us some fucking statistic

like SMRT average of

4 passengers per square metre

as compared to 6 passengers

per square metre in other cities.

And

our trains average passenger load

is 1200 passengers

although the engineering limit

is 1800 passengers.

Thank You Mr Transport Minister.

One question Sir.

Just when is the last time,

you took a fucking MRT train?

Have you ever

had your foreign talent's armpit

thrust into your face

on your fucking MRT train?

Have you ever

stood on your fucking MRT train

with no handrails to hold?

And many others around you,

have nothing to hold on to?

Do you know how fucking dangerous

that is?

If your fucking MRT train

have to make an emergency stop?

Do you need a fatal accident,

to listen?

How do you feel,

when your wife or daughter,

have to fold their arms

in order not to have their tits molested

because of your

fucking overcrowded MRT trains?

Let's take a look,

at your fucking SMRT financial reports.

Let's look at your profits first.

2004 nett $89.5 million profit

2005 nett $126.7 million profit

2006 nett $103.4 million profit

2007 nett $135.4 million profit

Now, let's look at your percentage passenger growth.

2003 1.2%

2004 (0.7%)

2005 2.8%

2006 2.8%

2007 5.1%

Overall, the passenger growth

on your fucking MRT train

is growing at a compounded rate.

Now lets look at your

car kilometres spanned.

2003 89.6 million km

2004 77.4 million km

2005 75.1 million km

2006 75.5 million km

2007 77.1 million km

Clearly, the frequency of

fucking MRT trains

have DECREASED

while your passenger growth

have INCREASED

and your nett profits

have INCREASED!!!!

When you show us some

fucking statistic,

show us some other

fucking statistic,

you motherfucker

1535 HRS FEBRUARY 19TH 2008

Can the blind cry

Can the mute scream

Can the deaf man hear

those tears

that flow

in the rivers

and form

the sea.

Can Daddy hold you

for just one precious minute?

What could Daddy have done?

I begged for an answer.

Can Daddy

take your place

instead?

Prayers of anguish

and cries of agony

disappear into nothingness.

Mother Mary mocks me

as her lips curl

into that twisted smile

holding Christ our Lord.

We could have

had so much fun together.

Going boating,

and dive into the sea

taking turns to be

Godzilla?

Building sandcastles

and destroying them.

Drift car racing,

like we're Jackie Chan?

playing frisbee,

and catch it

with one hand

between the legs?

play rugby,

and slide in the mud

and giggle

knowing Mum will kill us?

play tennis,

and pretend

Federer is a loser?

Watching Loserpool lose again,

another reason to drink beers

and smoke ciggys?

Do you know that Daddy

was great

at inventing kid's stories?

Your cousins loved them.

Will you ever know?

Will you ever call me Dad

one day when we meet

in Heaven?

Your cot

Dad made sure

its made in Denmark,

no leaded paint

or toxic coatings,

lies empty.

The whole house

is hollow,

devoid of the soul

you could have brought.

Will we ever laugh

with Nemo

or sing

with Sebastian

and Ariel?

Could we have conspired

to stay out of trouble

from Mum?

Dad is fun

Mum is business.

Could we have tortured

Genghis together?

Bath him

in the washing machine?

All that is gone,

in the trauma

of the worst weekend

in Daddy's life,

and Mummy's too.

Did you see Mum and Dad

feverishly praying

that you will survive?

Did you hear Mum

telling you

that all is OK

and that you will be fine?

How can we say goodbye

when we never said hello.

We dreamt

that you are tough

and will survive anything

and joked that if we did not

give you education,

you'd be a gangster chief.

All we could do

is say we love you,

beneath the grainy black and white

of the ultrasound

as you did 3 vertical jumps.

All we could do

is to cry in vain

as you lie lifeless

amongst the bloodied mess

on the petri dish.

Can Daddy just hold you

for one precious minute?

When the blind cries

and the mute screams

and the deaf hears

them both.

1720 HRS January 30th 2008

As I approach,

the end of another

working day.

Another rough day

in the stock markets.

I can hardly,

muster the strength

to even smile.

But as I make my way home

Through the maddening crowd

on the MRT,

I have 25 minutes,

to put a smile

on my face,

when I meet

my darling wife.

When I sit down

For dinner

with our family,

Its feels like,

I’ve just been through hell,

And emerged

In heaven.

Our family,

Is my heaven

Right here

On earth.

I can hardly wait

for our baby

to arrive.

I cannot think

Of a more noble calling

In life

than to bring up

our child

with you

by my side.

1445 HRS DECEMBER 11TH 2007

In exactly one week

when I wake up

in the morning,

you would

be my wife.

Dear God,

you can take away

everything I ever owned.

My house, my car, my boat,

even my stupid cat.

You can take away,

all the meals

from my mouth,

the strength

from my limbs,

or even the breath

from my nose,

But please

never never never

take away

the sound of her laughter

from my ears.

Life has never

been easy,

and when I come home

my mind tired,

my spirit broken,

my body limp.

But when I hear

the joyous sound

of her laughter,

I feel my energy

bursting forth,

and life exploding

into a cascade

of love

and happiness.

And again,

I found the purpose

in my life.

Dear God,

take away anything

from me,

but please I beg of you,

not her laughter.

1520 HRS NOVEMBER 29TH 2007

Just ask me

anyway.

Do not assume.

Because there is

no such thing

as a foolish question.

Only fools.

I will do my best

to answer all

your questions.

Only fools

ask no questions

and assume

1820 HRS OCTOBER 25TH 2007

No!

Try Not.

Do, or do not.

There is no try.

According to the words

of Master Yoda

the Jedi Knight

in Star Wars.

I am no Jedi,

but I am a sailor.

And no ship

can go anywhere

if the captain

does not chart

its destination.

You cannot go anywhere

if you drift

with the sea.

And sooner or later,

you will crash.

The sea is such

that it will bring

a drifting ship

to a destructive end.

The only ship

that goes anywhere

is one who knows

where it is going

and how

to get there.

Likewise,

if we drift along directionless

our lives,

we will surely sink

at some point.

We must be the captain

of our lives,

be purposeful

and have a clear direction,

where we are going

and of course

how to get there.

1600 HRS OCTOBER 21ST 2007

I just went mad.

I bought a total of

4 watches,

4 ear rings,

4 pendants,

2 hair clips,

1 hair band,

1 bracelet.

Life becomes meaningful

when you give.

But giving in material things

is a poor substitute,

for giving time,

giving yourself.

There is no better gift

than time.

Money when spent

can be earned back.

Time when wasted,

can never be regained.

A minute doing nothing

is a minute gone forever,

you can never ever

get that minute back.

We always think

we have to do some heroic act

go help the poor and hungry

in some African state.

Generosity

need not go very far.

When you are being served

by a stressed out

and poorly paid waitress,

who might be

some poor foreign student

trying to make ends meet

whilst doing her studies,

a kind smile

and some understanding,

can help her so much.

We may not have given her

much of our time

nor money,

but we have given

some kindness.

In doing so,

we gave ourselves

and helped her

made her life

a little bit better,

even just for

10 seconds

1700 HRS 16TH OCTOBER 2007

Oh,

in my 12 hours back in Singapore,

over the weekend.

I read of this 27 year old

Palestinian dude

who hid in the wheel well

of a SQ aircraft

and flew from

KL to Singapore.

He fell out of the wheel well

upon touching down

at Changi.

The police arrested him

and presumably threw him

in jail, possibly rattan caning

as its the law

for illegal immigration

into Singapore.

Fuck,

this guy is so smart.

He knew

that on a 35 minute flight

to Singapore,

he stood a good chance

of survival

against the cold

or lack of oxygen

as the plane

would not have gone up

sufficient altitude,

or at least

he could survive

long enough.

Fuck,

arrest him?

I would have greeted him

and handed him a Singaporean NRIC

and passport

on arrival!!!

We need this kind

of smart risk takers

1740 HRS OCTOBER 16TH 2007

31 whole days in HK,

made me obsessed with

the plight of Vietnamese refugees

detained in camps

in HK and other parts

of the world.

I cannot fathom

with any logic

for the life of me

understand how

can the world

classify the Vietnamese

according to

political or economic refugees.

Political refugees

fair enough,

escaping to another country

for fear of political persecution.

Economic refugees?

escaping to another country

because of better economics?

Can a man possibly,

put himself, his wife

and his children,

on a flimsy and leaky boat,

risking

death by

drowning,

dehydration,

robbery,

rape,

murder

on the high seas?

Just because he wants

more money?

Come on,

he is escaping

because living conditions

back home,

under a communist regime

was unlivable!!!

And those Thai fishermen

who preyed on these Vietnamese refugees

because they realised,

it was easy money

looting the Vietnamese,

raping them,

killing them.

And the Thai governement,

did absolutely nothing,

to stop them,

so as to deter

the influx

of more Vietnamese

boat people.

Thus it is

Thai government

endorsed

robberies,

rapes,

and murder.

I used to think of Thai people

as gentle and nice,

after knowing

what they done

in the process

killing possibly

250,000 Vietnamese

I don't know anymore.

Maybe its Southern Thais

or Malays.

I dunno.

Fuck knows.

1840 HRS OCTOBER 3RD 2007

Today

I turned 43.

Today,

after work,

I rushed home

to my apartment,

although I knew

I would be all alone.

But today,

I rushed home

because

I planned

to take that 5 minute walk

to Harbour City

where I found out

that there is a

hat boutique.

My darling wife

loves hats.

All Vietnamese do.

I want to buy

as many hats

as I can carry home.

Because

all I want

on my birthday,

is to see

her beautiful smile.

I feel

all purposeful again,

because nothing

is more meaningful

on this day

than that smile.

1950 HRS OCTOBER 2ND 2007

When we fall in love,

we take this giant step,

into the unknown.

We may have everything to gain,

and also alot to lose.

We may have every happiness,

and we also have every hurt.

Love is like

a total, complete

and unconditional

surrender.

Come what may,

for better or worse.

For all the joys

she provided,

a bit of hurt

ain't gonna matter.

When you have conquered

the fear of loss,

the fear of pain,

therein lies

the ultimate freedom

to love

and love completely.

And each day

for the rest of my life,

I will walk

with happiness

and joy.

For I conquered

my fears

and insecurities

2040 HRS OCTOBER 1ST 2007

This really made me sick.

The violent killings and beatings

of monks and demonstrators

unarmed and holding

a peaceful protest

against the ruling military junta

in Myanmar.

A government

is supposed to be

for the people.

The people have spoken.

A government is supposed

to listen to its people

and try to resolve

their grievances

in a peaceful

and fair manner.

Only a pariah state

ruled by beasts with

the morals of

street dogs

will kill

its own kind.

But that is only

to be expected

of a military junta

that overturned

the election results in 1990

when the people voted

for Aung San Suu Kyi.

And have since,

put her under house arrest

and ruled the people

with military force,

in the process

sending a mineral rich country

into near bankruptcy.

You see some of Myanmar's brightest

working in Singapore

as waiters and waitresses.

It makes me even more sick,

sicker than sick.

When I think of this Singapore Government,

whose Temasek owned companies,

Chartered Industries

and Allied Ordinance,

selling guns and ammunition

to the Myanmar military.

When no one else,

will sell these pariahs

weapons

that were meant

for killing their own people,

this Singapore government

will gladly sell them weapons.

The Myanmese people

were gunned down

by guns and bullets

made in Singapore.

All of us here,

have Myanmese blood

stains on our hands.

We voted a government

that supported murder.

So who is the bigger pariah?

2020 HRS SEPTEMBER 28TH 2007

I can't believe it.

I've faced an entire life

full of dissappointments,

after 42 years,

I would have thought,

that I can take any kind

of dissappointment

Life has to throw at me.

Strangely,

nothing prepared me

for this.

When it became clear

they won't give you

your social visit visa

and you're not going

to visit me,

I suddenly realised

how much

I wanted you

to be here

with me,

just for one

weekend.

I locked myself

in this apartment

for 2.5 weeks,

waiting for you

in anticipation,

every night afterwork,

every weekend.

I did not want

to go out,

I did not want

to go

to all the nice restaurants

I know

in this city,

I do not want

to explore

the shopping centres,

I do not want

to wander

the streets on my own.

I just won't

enjoy myself

without you

by my side.

I wanted so badly

to show you this city,

where I've stayed

for 7 whole years.

I won't eat

all my favourite food,

because it is meaningless

without you.

I checked out

the jazz club

downstairs,

I absolutely loved

that place,

the band

was terrific,

the decor

cozy,

the crowd

friendly.

I lasted a grand total

of 15 minutes.

It was almost like

I felt guilty

enjoying myself

without you.

I just wanted us

to have fun together

exploring this city

together.

I suddenly

realised how much

I really hated

this apartment.

Coming from a 2519 sq ft penthouse,

to a 500 sq ft studio,

I suddenly felt

like a fucking prisoner.

For 2.5 weeks,

I locked myself inside

watching videos.

I've never watched

so much TV

in my entire life.

I don't know baby,

I know there's always

another time,

another place.

But I just want you now,

right here,

by my side.

I hate

the way I am now,

I need you so.

2030 HRS SEPTEMBER 27TH 2007

I can't believe

this cesspit of an island

called Hong Kong.

You let in shady characters

calling themselves

Nigerian businessmen,

who stalk the streets

in the middle of the night

hoping to pick the pocket

of some drunken guy,

You let in

prostitutes from all parts

of Mainland China,

Philippines

and Thailand,

totally unregulated

and running the risks

of sexually transmitted diseases,

But you made it a bitch

for a Singapore PR,

who can prove

she is gainfully employed

as an engineer

in a large listed

electronics contract manufacturer,

who can prove

with bank statements

she has the financial means

to support herself,

and has fully paid up flight tickets

for her passage back to Singapore

for just one weekend in HK,

you made it a bitch

for her,

simply because she happens

to hold

a Vietnamese passport.

Just what

are you afraid of?

Illegal immigration?

Just who the hell fuck

would want to migrate

to this shit hole?

The air is dangerously polluted,

the streets are filthy,

the crime rate is high,

even swanky boutiques

at major shopping centres

pay protection money,

to triad gangsters,

the tap water is unsafe for drinking,

the sea is unsafe for swimming,

even the toilet in my apartment

stinks of recycled industrial water.

Food is ridiculously overpriced,

everything is expensive,

people are rude,

public transport system

is completely overcrowded.

Make no mistake,

we have no fucking interest

in moving to

your shit hole.

We are just here,

to spend some money,

maybe buy a bag

some clothes,

and perhaps Disneyland watches

for kids.

If its so difficult

for us to spend our money

in your shit hole,

we'd gladly

take it somewhere else.

4 to 6 weeks processing time

for a social visit visa application?

The next time people tell me

HK is an efficient city,

I swear I'll kick him

in the ass.

2150 HRS SEPTEMBER 26TH 2007

Sometimes I feel

that my life,

is like climbing

this tall and arduous mountain.

Every single day,

I slogged

my life's energies away,

to reach the summit.

Now,

I've finally reached

the top

of this treacherous mountain,

breathing in

the fresh mountain air,

enjoying

the stunning scenery

all around me.

I take my camera out

to record down

the beauty that I see

laid out before me,

only to realise,

the day is ending,

light is fading,

darkness is coming,

and soon,

the beauty

of it all,

will be enveloped

in darkness.

1550 HRS SEPTEHMBER 26TH 2007

Its strange how friends described her

as a simple girl.

Simple people are by defination

people with simple

needs and wants.

But my observation is

simple people

are far from simple.

They protrayed simplicity

because they have developed

a tough survival instinct,

a psychological immunity

to adversity,

thus making them

very complex

and psychologically advanced

human beings.

Human beings have

unlimited needs and wants,

that is a well known

economic fact.

Our entire capitalistic society

feeds on our

unlimited needs and wants.

We are always chasing

the last dollar.

Always chasing

for that so called improvement

in our quality of life.

When we can only be happy

with a bigger car,

a more glamourous condo,

a fatter bank account,

a multiplying investment portfolio,

a further luxury holiday.

But all these

serve as nothing much more

than bragging rights.

It is like our entire self esteem

is based on our capacity

to show off.

But that is capitalism.

Capitalism is not going to work,

if Orchard Road or Vivocity

are filled with

Buddhist monks.

I think we all know

the deception of capitalism.

A 300% increase in price

does not commensurate with

a 300% increase in satisfaction.

A $5 lamb chop in a HDB kopitiam

costs 10 times less

than at Raffles Grill

but the satisfaction

is no where near

10 times more.

The equation is balanced

only by an added capacity

to brag to others,

having dined at

Raffles Grill.

How do simple people

thus become happy?

Being humans,

they too are subjected

to unlimited needs and wants.

The difference is

short of attaining

unlimited needs and wants,

they've learnt

to appreciate

what they already have.

We think,

we have to find

happiness,

they know

that happiness

is already found

within.

They know,

if you need somethings

or even someone,

in order to be happy,

you're not gonna be very happy,

after getting them anyway.

Not as though,

they are immuned

from wanting to enjoy

a lamb chop

at Raffles Grill.

Just that they know

eating at Raffles Grill,

is much nicer

when you are eating

with someone

you love.

Happiness is

when what you worked hard for

is being shared

with someone

you love.

And ironically,

it can be found

equally

at a HDB kopi tiam

and at Raffles Grill.

1830 HRS SEPTEMBER 23RD 2007

Everytime I go to church,

I hear about

the wonderful things

God have done

for people.

From helping kids pass

their examinations,

to helping parents get

a promotion at work,

to healing the sick,

to narrowly escaping

a road accident.

God is great,

we proclaim.

And the pastor,

will back up,

how God is great,

with references

from the Bible.

So we believe in God

who performs miracles

and help us

when we are in need.

A God

who is involved

in our lives.

Then, how did God

allow his Korean church followers

to be murdered

in Afghanistan?

How did God

allow natural diasasters

like the Sumatran tsunami

to kill 275,000 lives

on Boxing Day 2004?

How did God

allow a deadly disease

like SARS

to kill so many people,

including a pastor

who contacted SARS

because he prayed

for a victim?

Do we know

the answer?

Take out your Bible references

and tell that to

the families

of the tsunami victims

or the SARS victims.

Did God allow,

the tsunami to kill,

because Indonesians

are Muslims,

because Thais

are Buddhists,

and Indians

are Hindus?

Are we worshipping a God

who blesses some people

and kills others?

Didn't the Bible teach,

that we are all

children of God?

And that we are

creations of God?

Do we believe

that God helps

a Christian boy

to pass his exams,

whilst killing 275,000 people

who are not Christians?

Some of the victims

were Christians

incidentally.

Is God really

a God of Love

and not a mass

murderer?

Is it the same God that taught us,

to love our enemies?

Or worse,

totally powerless

from stopping

big natural diasasters,

but could do small things

like helping a kid

pass his exams?

My point is

it is pointless

trying to understand God.

What is the use

of having faith,

if we need to rationalise

that God has done this

and done that

for us?

How can we worship God

as omnipotent,

and yet think

we can understand him

with our human understandings?

Why tell me

what you know about God

every single sunday,

when the reality is

nobody actually knows?

I choose to believe,

that God resides,

in each of us.

And acceptance of Christ

is the conscious allowance

of God manifesting himself

in our daily lives.

It is the personal relationship

we have

with God

and his goodness

that is in us.

We are all

children of God,

we are his creations.

Therefore, we are perfect

and should accept each other

as perfect creations

of God.

It is in each and eveyone

of us,

to let that perfection

be seen

and connect with

the perfection

of others.

It is our responsibilities

to let the God in us,

connect with

the God in others

we meet

in our daily lives.

To try to explain God

in human terms,

albeit with Bible references,

seems to me,

trying to put God down,

to our human levels,

and probably

a sin by

itself.