0900 HRS MAY 14TH 2023

Sep 26th, 1996

I was very sick,

Struck down by a delibitating illness,

At the height of my career,

As Assistant Director of a leading investment bank.

Ventilator of oxygen stuck up my nostrils

Tubes of medicine stuck into my veins

I laid in bed

Lifeless.

But I was aware of everything around me.

I heard what the doctors said

I heard the nurses lamenting,

So poor thing, so young, so successful

Mum was crying quietly

The doctor went to console her

She defiantly said,

Doctor, Roland is a FIGHTER

He will make it.

Doctor asked why?

Roland was kicked out of pre medical school

But he did not give up

Today, he is an investment banker.

Thanks Mum,

I couldn't have made it 

without you.

You believed in me.

I love you so

Happy Mother's Day

1500 HRS 2ND FEBRUARY 2018

Darling Wife,

I’m really sorry
my pride I now bury
What I said was unkind
I don’t know what was in my mind

From my heart, I bring this apology
I cannot live, with this hostility.
I know there can be no excuse
But this life with you, is too much to lose

I love you from the depths of my heart
Please don’t let this life fall apart
What I said was beyond rude
Completely stupid, I now conclude

Please find a space in your heart
to forgive and have a brand new start
I want to hold you in my arms again
till my dying breath I swear,
 No More Pain

Roland Koh
2nd February 2018

1600 hrs 8th August 2013

So here we are

Once more

Out of Sight

and perhaps for you

Out of Mind too.

We've been down

this road

far too often.

Do we want

to go through this

again?

Its like a

roller coaster ride

ups and downs

thrills and spills

fun and tears

but always

back

to this same

old stop.

We never get

anywhere

never.

I recognised this

for the longest time.

I cried out

for help.

We needed help

I tried to reach

your Mother

because the only person

you ever listen to

is your Mother.

Because of language

and distance,

I had to go through

your cousin.

Prior to that,

I tried to reach out

to your Mother

through you sister.

But Hien

is so timid

and meek.

Probably did not know

what to do

how to handle.

So I went to your cousin.

I repeatedly said,

this is not a judgement

nor an indictment

of you,

but a desperate plea

for help.

We need help

the marriage needs help

We been through this

repeatedly

for years

but we ploughed on

and on.

Till early 2013

I felt I really needed

to talk

to your Mother

screaming out

in desperation

and sheer despair.

But

you were

more concerned

about loss of face.

You were more concerned

of others knowing

 that ours

is not

the picture perfect

Facebook posts

you want others

to think.

There were issues

and they still persist

to this minute.

But NO

your royal decree

is

This is the way

the marriage is

This is the way

I want it to be

Take it

or leave it.

No compromise

No negotiation

No exception

Well,

for so long,

we had put

our differences aside

for so long,

we had swept

our problems

under the bed

All because

we wanted

a happy family environment

for our son.

You asked,

many times.

Why I no longer say

I LOVE YOU

I just couldn't

It felt like

a hypocritical lie

maybe

just a half truth.

I've often begged

you

to turn on the light

and see the mess

that this marriage is.

And together

we clean it up.

We need

to get our act

together

We need

to fix

our problems.

For our son.

But NO,

you were too proud

you just want

to revert

to status quo.

This is the way

it is,

take it or leave it.

This time,

I won't beg you

to return

to this loveless marriage.

This time

I think it might be better

you go your way

and I go mine.

 This time,

I actually believe

it is best

for our son.

We have seen

his anguish

everytime

we fight.

Even as a tiny toddler

he tried

to intervene.

We put him

through this ordeal

far too many times.

If we are not

going to resolve

our issues

I rather

we live

separate lives.

So no more fights

for Van-Dylan

to witness

There really

is no more use

in ploughing on

and on.

The ground

IS DEAD

0130 hrs 7th August 2013

This is bad

really bad

I found an article online

by this psychiatrist

Dr Tara J. Palmatier

13 Signs your wife or girlfriend

is a Borderline Personality Disorder

or Narcissist.

(1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings.

Check

I truly edit myself

because I live in

constant fear

of her reaction

(2)  Everything is your fault

Check

By her own admission

"If I don't blame you

who can I blame?"

Sometimes to the point

of absurdity

When I wonder

if she actually believes

in what she said,

because no honest

or sane person

would believe.

(3)  Constant Criticism

Check

Nothing I ever do

is good enough

I dared not even

buy her a birthday present

I rather tell her

go choose what you want.

Nothing I ever do

is good enough

Unless she specifically

instructs me

Everything I do

is wrong

Everything I don't do

is also wrong

Worse still,

NOTHING NICE

ever comes out

of her mouth

(4)  Control Freak

Check

I cannot have an opinion

or a feeling

on anything

unless she tells me to

She goes through

my handphone

She reads

every single message

every single night

wanting to know

what I said

to others

(5)  Mr Hyde and Dr Jekyll

Check

Anyone who meets her

will fall in love with her

until you actually

live with her

She can be so kind

and loving

And then transform

into this vicious

abusive mutant

that I don't recognise

(6)    Your feelings don't count

Check

If ever I reveal

how I truly feels

and it is in contradiction

to her

God help me

She will ravage me

verbally.

When it means so much

to me

to have her

by my side,

when I receive my

exam results.

She rather be glued

on Facebook.

On Chinese New Year Eve

Reunion dinner,

how sacred it is

to me

for the family

to dine together,

She went ahead

with dinner

without me.

How I felt,

like an idiot

waiting for the maid

to finish cooking

and when I went out

to the dining room

to check

what's taking so long,

actually thinking

that it might have been

such a special dish

that is taking so long,

but NO

reunion dinner is over

and Daddy is not invited.

And oh,

on my 48th birthday,

her siblings bought me

a birthday cake.

She absolutely refused

to leave the bedroom

to join in the cake cutting

and birthday song.

We had to carry

the birthday cake

to her royal highness bedroom

and awkwardly

sing the birthday song

as hastily as possible.

Pathetic

(7)  Questioning my own sanity

Check

I really wonder

if the fault is all mine

that my expectations

of a wife

is truly unachievable

and unrealistic.

That my own pent up anger

is lack of self control

(8)  Deny she actually said this or done that

Check

In quieter moments,

I try to gently confront her

about something she said

or done

which I am truly unhappy about

And she will deny outright

Accusing me of being

absent minded

at my age

and conjuring up

bad impressions of her

making her out to be

a bitch

I am always stunned

how can she lie

so blantantly

and actually

have self doubts

Even worse,

when she accuses me

of infidelity

Jeez,

mistresses cost money

and I gave her all

my money

leaving just enough

to buy Breadtalk

and cigarettes.

Can she even believe

her accusation?

And worse than worst,

accusing me

of stealing money

when I ask her

for money

to pay

the household bills!!!

I even have

a speadsheet

that tracks every cent

and wanted to show her

but she could  not

be bothered.

I now pay the household bills

through her bank account

so not a penny more

leaves her bank.

She even demanded

to see

my CPF account

wanting to see her name

as sole beneficiary

to my assets

not even Van-Dylan

Marriages are supposed

to be based

on the foundations of

Trust and Respect

It is bad enough

not to be trusted

for no reason

but to have your integrity

questioned

by someone

whom is supposed

to trust and respect

you.

Sad

(9) Isolating yourself from friends and family

Check

She finds reasons

to hate

and dispise

every single one

of my family members

and friends.

Even the once a month

gathering

with my alumni

Every single time

I get home,

she will always

find reasons,

to start a fight

Such that

I fear

having anything

to do at all

with my friends,

or family.

And then she proceeds

to try and choose

my friends

for me.

Insisting I meet so and so,

have drinks with them.

(10)  Walking on Landmines

Check

Every single day

Every single minute

Every waking moment

I live in sheer

pure unadulterated

petrified fear.

I just don't know

when will she next

explode

or be moody.

People have remarked

how much I aged

in the past 6 years,

the stress is

beyond human capacity

to tolerate

(11) what goes up must come down

Check

Happiness never lasts

For at most 2 days

and I am not kidding

of peaceful

and loving

family life

when she made me feel

so appreciated

and then

she will call me

LOSER

and being married to me

is such a SHAME.

(12)  Unlevel playing field

Check

She makes all the rules

for me

She hates it

when I come home

even with the slightest wiff

of alcohol

but she comes home

totally drunk

and legless

Her friends

had to call me

go down to the carpark

and carry

her lifeless body

home.

(13) Don't leave me

Check

The times

when all the bottled up

anger

bitterness

frustrations

insults

got too much

and I pack

She would come

running back

promising

things will change

But at most

for 48 precious hours

Things never change

We've been down

this road

so many times

So there you go,

Borderline Personality Disorder

or Narcissisist

13 out of 13

100%

I am not naive enough

to believe

everything I read

on the Internet,

but it is  not

looking good.

You know,

I am the one

that has been suffering

sleepless nights

loss of appetite

since she left

4 nights ago

I have actually lost

2 kg

But I can bet

my life,

she is sleeping

very soundly

as I type

or maybe Facebook

all through

the night

at Anthony & Ha's place.

She simply has

no capacity

for empathy

or consideration

for my feelings.

2000 hrs 6th August 2013

When I think about it

as I have been

the past 4 days,

both the diagnosis

and prognosis

are not good.

You, my dear

are quite simply

a NARCISSIST.

You have

an overtly grandiose

opinion

of yourself.

You have this incredibly

huge sense

of Entitlement.

Nothing ever

satisfies you.

I suppose when

I first met you,

you were impressed by

the penthouse,

the Porsche,

the boat.

They looked good,

when you post pictures

on Facebook.

When all that is gone,

you repeatedly

called me LOSER

inspite of the $1 million

cash, in your name

Which you had

eroded rather quickly.

I should have known,

when you demanded

I sell the penthouse

even when the market was depressed

because you wanted

to buy land in Danang.

And you said,

you needed "face"

to show that you own land

in Vietnam.

You crave

admiration.

Not respect.

You crave

envy.

Not love.

You are addicted

to belittling others

to demeaning others

because it makes

you feel good

about yourself.

You even laughed

when your best friend Ha

asked you why

you scolded her

all morning.

I know why,

because scolding others

putting others down

is a power trip

for you.

Even your boss

said he felt hurt

about certain remarks

you made.

He said nobody

wants to be close to you

in the office,

because of the way

you volunteer

your criticisms.

Whenever something

goes against

that Facebook picture perfect

image of your life,

you go into

wild

unfettered rage.

You seem

to want to

be a good daughter

only because

it makes you feel good

to be more approved

by your parents

instead of

your siblings.

You sacrifice

for the betterment

in terms of education

for your siblings

but in return

you want to be

lord and master

over their lives.

Everything around you,

must go through

your royal approval

otherwise

you go nuts.

If anything

or anyone,

goes against

your princess aura

you turn

violently

punishing.

How dare you???

Go back to your place

and grovel at my feet.

I suspect

the only reason

you want a child

is to add

to your notion

of

perfect Vietnamese woman

Van-Dylan and I

are nothing more

than ego fuel

for you.

You

are simply

incapable

of loving others

you love yourself

too much.

Any love or kindness

you show to others

is merely

to feel good

about yourself

and more of

you want

ego stroking

in return.

Honestly,

I don't think

you can ever change.

Short of

a real life

traumatic experience.

Grow up

because

I had enough

of living in fear

not exactly sure

what will trigger

your next attack.

I had enough

of living life

in constant vigilance

having to be careful

of every word

I speak

of every thought

in my mind

to the point

I don't tell you

a single thing

in my mind.

Coming from a man,

whose opinions are

well sought after

by people

all around,

it is disconcerting

to be

a silent partner

at home.

Do yourself a favour,

having Van-Dylan custody

is only a vengeance

because you know

it really hurts me

more than anything else

not to be with him.

Go search for another man

to boost ;your ego

and having Van-Dylan around

is not going to improve your odds

Give him to me.

1710 hrs 5th August 2013

Van-Dylan

my dearest son.

You're gonna turn 4

next week.

I doubt very much

I can be part

of your birthday celebrations.

Your Mum did not even

send you to school today,

I imagine she could not wake up

after all night sessions

on Facebook.

Chances of me

guiding you through

your growing up years

are extremely bleak.

The Woman's Charter laws in Singapore

will see to it

that we never live together again.

And I know your Mum too well,

to know that

she will do everything she can

to alienate you

against me.

So in the absence

of better alternatives,

I will just leave parts of me

around in blogs

So one day,

you can get to know

the Daddy that

truly loves you,

more than anything else

in the world.

But in order

to keep loving you

albeit from

afar,

I have to stay sane

and hence

away from Mum and you.

You know,

since a very young age,

I observed

that you have a very keen sense

of justice

of right and wrong

of crime and punishment.

And you take it upon

your little self

to judge

and carry out punishments.

I can't think

of a better career

for your inclination

than a public prosecutor.

I imagine you

to be a real mean

hard ass

public prosecutor

that strikes fear

into the hearts of

criminals

and their lawyers.

I've always felt,

the problem

with this world is

too many criminals

and smart well paid lawyers

but too little

good public prosecutors.

I can imagine you

really enjoying

your work,

and nail

the bad guys.

The only way,

I could get you

to eat your pork

is to tell you

its a naughty spinosaurus

and you will devour it

as a way

of punishment.

As you grow up

and find your feet

Remember,

when you think of a career

DO WHAT YOU LOVE.

Because it is human nature

to love what you are good at.

So do what you love

what you are good at.

Because it follows

that if you are good at something

there will be commercial value

in it.

So identify

what you are good at,

and pursue it

like your divine calling

and be among the best

in your chosen field

Try to avoid

crowded fields

even if you are

the best 

in the crowded field,

the law of lowest common denominator

will drag your value down.

Try to find a niche

and be the best

in it.

You do not have to

conform with the rest.

If your convictions are

that the crowd is wrong,

then be brave

and be contrarian.

But do it within

the confines of the law.

You must respect authority

and accept the power structure

in our society.

If you have to bring down

unjust, corrupt and incompetent

authorities,

do it intelligently

without being a martyr.

Be humble

because with humility

you will realise

EVERYONE you meet

in your life

is your teacher.

There is so much to learn

so much to absorb

in this world.

In everything you do

devote time and energy

to it.

Some people take 2 hours

to complete a module,

you might need 4 hours.

Then you put in 8 hours.

Its all about

time management

and sacrifices.

Most entertainment

are a waste of time,

either you learn something new

or you have a good laugh,

otherwise its a waste of time.

And time is a precious commodity

because once you lost an hour

of your time,

its gone forever.

Money lost can be made back,

Time lost is gone forever.

Guess I'll stop for now,

Love you forever

my dear son.

1400 hrs 5th August 2013

https://mail-attachment.googleusercontent.com/attachment/u/0/?ui=2&ik=cca2c785fd&view=att&th=1404d171c1c92ca8&attid=0.1&disp=safe&realattid=1442507993465749504-local0&zw&saduie=AG9B_P9aEhapBcbN4a2YlTgO3SpC&sadet=1375682927717&sads=ZZJ4YwsXBKI474TYIENud4Nsda0&sadssc=1

0425 hrs 5th August 2013

It is clearer

than clear.

Too obvious.

After all that has been

said and done,

You and I

simply cannot

get along.

I do  not even want

to know you

as a mere acquaintance

let alone

a wife.

You are just not

the kind,

wonderful girl,

I married

6 years ago.

But you turned out

to be a

self absorbed

self centred

self preserving

domineering

rude

abusive

vile tempered

narcissistic

BITCH.

I should have known,

by the way

you treated

your uncle and sister.

But I was too blind.

I was warned

about your temper,

about your personality.

I brushed it aside,

thinking

how bad

can it ever get?

I was wrong,

dead wrong.

You turned out

far worse

than my worst

nightmares.

It has to happen,

we have to part.

I dread the thought

of spending

another minute

with you.

I feel really sorry

for my son.

If only you

will just give him up

to me,

and go lead your life

find a new man

start a new family

live in another country.

Just so that

I don't ever

have to see you

or even hear anything

about you.

I prefer

to be single for life

than spend another minute

with you.

Seeing how you

mistreated me,

when I provided

a good lifestyle for you

to brag about,

when I provided

for your siblings'

education

when I loaned

your parents $220k

to buy land in Danang,

when no rich uncle or auntie

would even lend a cent,

I hate to imagine

how you will mistreat me

the day I can no longer work

and dependent on you.

I never asked

you for much.

All I ask,

is some peace

in the house.

But you never pass up

a chance

of going ballistic

over any

non issue.

You were not there for me,

when I first received

my exam results,

I felt like the biggest idiot

the exam results

meant so much to me,

I slogged so hard

to pass.

It meant the world to me

to have my wife

by my side

when I receive

the results,

but you rather

be on Facebook.

And I had to share

my joys

with Anthony Lim.

How more pathetic

can it get?

What is the meaning

of having a wife

by your side?

When I was suffering

in pain

from diverticulitis

the first person

I called

was you,

my wife.

What did you do?

Went Clarke Quay

and got totally drunk.

I had to carry you home.

When I am unemployed

worried sick

about money,

refused even to go

to the hospital

because my hospitalisation insurance

was not approved yet,

suffered in pain,

you showed absolutely

no care

nor concern.

Said if I can't take care of myself,

I deserved it.

Wow, Dr Kelly Van

specialist in Diverticulitis.

Of course,

you went ahead,

bought yourself

LV wallet

Coach wallet

Miu Miu sunglasses.

With the money,

that was meant

for my son's

education.

Way before all these happened,

I already decided,

that when Van-Dylan

is all grown

and self supporting

be the good public prosecutor

 I dreamed him to be,

I would leave

both of you.

And go die alone

up the mountains

of Nepal

smoke pot

and die

alone

instead of having you

screaming at me

abusing me

insulting me

whilst I lay motionless

on my death bed.


Enough said,

I feel

nauseous

you make me sick

2250 hrs 4th August 2013

Oh God,

I don't know

what to do.

I can't think

I can't feel

It happened so often

I really don't know

If I can go through it

again.

She is just so awful

as a person

I can't believe

I took her

as my wife

and

mother

of my kid.

Right now,

try as I may

I just can't think

of any

human goodness

in her.

I honestly never met

another person

who is so rude

have the least cares

or consideration

for the feelings

of others.

Any kindness

she shows

to another

only serves

her own purposes.

She seeks to

influence the person

and totally

utterly

dominate.

She craves power

over others.

She will do anything

to impress

decked with jewellery

and branded bags

and shoes.

Everything

is a bragging right.

She is more interested

in painting

a picture perfect life

to be envied

on Facebook

than actual

reality.


And the way

she runs others down.

Openly insulting

crudely abusive

explicitly vulgar.

She worships her 3rd Aunt

in Brisbane.

And I can see why.

She uses money

to intimidate

belittle

squash any ego

that crosses her path.

Its like a bad

role model.

In generic terms,

She is a BITCH

and she actually enjoys

and savours every opportunity

to be a bitch.

I can't for my dear life fathom

how someone

whose entire self esteem

is contingent

on being envied

and worshiped even.

Nobody in the office

likes her,

All her siblings

avoid contact with her.

Her sister in laws

won't even accord her

a hello.

Her parents

adore her

because she takes pride

in being a good daughter

but not a good sister

nor good friend

or good husband

Maybe in her warped mind

a good mother.

Get real,

you are not a Princess

and people around you

are not your subjects.

Oh God,

you should see

her tyranny

towards the maid.

Absolutely disgusting.

I honestly

cannot think

of a single reason

to love her.

Other than she

providing me a son.

Whom I really

cannot bear

to lose.

I tried so hard

God knows how hard

I tried.

To ignore

her goadings

to avoid

any conflicts

or confrontation even.

I just can't win.

And her bargaining chip

is always

my son.

It truly made me wonder

if the boy

will amount to anything

with a mother

as obnoxious

as that

1530 hrs 3rd August 2013

Anger

and Bitterness

Deeply seething

Resentment.

They are seem impossible

to Suppress

forever.

Much as you try

to make things look

as Normal as possible,

Happy even.

All because

you want your Son

to have a Happy Home

like a TV commercial.

Days and Nights filled

Full of love,

Full of happiness,

Full of laughter.

But the Darkness lurks

like a constant shadow

follows you everywhere

And in a moment least unexpected

it smothers

all the Happy life

you tried so hard

to show the world

1745 HRS 20TH MAY 2013

Self Subjugation

is the only solution.

Because

the burden of Commitment

is too great

to abandon.

There is no more

Fear,

no more

Ego,

no more

Self.

Maybe

no more

Happiness,

no more

Love

as well.

Or maybe

Happiness and Love

comes in another

unknown form.

It's eventuality

is an unknown.

Maybe

a statistical

kurtosis.

But sure as hell

not the mean

in a Normal Distribution

the Distribution

of Happiness in Life.

I live

for the Ultimate Happiness

of my Son.

I merely exist

as a Means to an End

to service this Marriage.

Like a life long Mortgage

I keep paying

until there is nothing

left to pay

or drop dead,

just to provide

the environment

for my Son's Upbringing.

Just to serve

a Purpose.

Just another means

to an End.

Just another brick

in the wall

of the House.

0400 HRS 29TH APR 2013

Its 4 am

I can't sleep

I am drained

Exhausted

Sapped

of all Life's energies.

Emotionally,

I am numb.

Intellectually,

I am depleted.

Physically,

I am tired.

Spiritually,

I feel like a ghost

who lived his life

and now

only have

useless memories.

Life is as interesting

as Sisyphus

condemned to

exerting all your strength

rolling the boulder

up the hill

and watch it

roll back down.

And then repeating

the whole process.

I wish to end it all,

so that my son

can benefit from my

life insurances.

Am probably worth more

dead than alive.

He is the ONLY reason

why I live

anyway.

I just want to hear

his little laughter.

Knowing my fucking luck,

his Mum will make him

hate me

anyway

1435 hrs 16th August 2012

My dearest son,

you turned 3

yesterday.

I often looked at you

and wonder

how will you

turn out?

I see your passion

for all animals

You loved

cows, goats, camels and elephants

because they looked funny

And then,

you loved cheetahs

because of the way

they ran

And now,

you love dinosaurs

especially T-Rex

because they are

fearsome

I am constantly amazed

by your fertile imagination

In your world,

T-Rex can dance

and sing,

Meerkats can go

Changi beach,

Elephants can go

to school

You make up stories

for yourself

Diplodocus got stomachache!!!

T-Rex so scared of water!!!

Triceratops good boy go and sleep!!!

It takes absolutely nothing

to amuse you

Even the most mundane

things around you

are a constant source

of amusement

a dead mosquito

a scurrying cockroach

a slithering snail

Your boundless enthusiasm

is a miracle to behold

You hate to sleep

Like sleep

is a waste

of your precious time

You're so focused

in everything you do

Compared to you,

Dad is as focused

as your hamster.

And that personality!!!

I can't believe

how it is already shaping up.

You fear NO PUNISHMENT

your only fear

is DEPRIVATION.

That strange bond

between you and me.

We don't do alot of things

together, I admit.

But yet,

you just want

your Dodi to be around

no matter what.

Son,

Life has a way

of wearing you down.

I hope and pray,

that

your lust for Life

will remain with you

ALWAYS

0630 HRS 12TH JULY 2012

When things fall apart

The centre cannot hold.

What is the centre?

Was it an invisible bond?

Some people call Love?

Was it a creation

of an offspring

the product of?

Or was it

just a means

to an economic end?

And when the end

has exhuasted

its productive usefulness

there is precious

little left

but the joyous

childhood

that fills

the dreaded vaccuum

of our lives

Just what is

the centre?

Is it another

delusion?

Did we create

a life

to live

our lie?

Even if it is

a painful lie

Should it

go on?

What value

does it bring

if we choose

either path

What consequences

does it bring

Can we bear

the cost

of our failures?

Or maybe

the product of our failure

is doomed anyway.

Should I hang around

long enough

to find out?

1800 HRS 13 th May 2012

I was 10 years old,

and an extremely avid reader.

Mummy encouraged reading,

Dad thought it was a sissy activity

for girls and not boys.

Mum would bring me

every weekend

to Lucky Bookshop

at Siglap,

no matter how poor

we were,

she would buy me

a new book.

There was once,

I was in the shop,

I chose this book,

"Adventures of Huckleberry Finn".

The auntie at the shop

said I cannot read this book.

It was too difficult,

and snatched the book away from me

like as though

I tried to steal that book.

I walked out of the shop

looking miserable.

Mum asked why didn't I

choose a book.

I said I did,

but auntie would not

let me buy it

because she said

it was too difficult

for me.

Mum looked at the auntie,

and asked,

which is the book,

my son wanted?

Auntie said,

that book is an American literature classic,

it is too difficult

for you son.

Mum said,

I'm buying that book.

And please don't tell my son

any book is too difficult

for him.

And so I read my first

literature classic.

2300 HRS 20 th January 2012

Happy Birthday Dad,

You would have been

84

You left us

3 years ago

I wished I could tell you

the things you said

the things you did

as a husband

and a father

are so much clearer

now.

There was a time,

we were poor,

you gave every cent

to Mum

who gave you

a measly

weekly allowance

of $15

Once you asked me,

Boon, do you know

how it feels,

I cannot even afford

to buy beers

for my friends?

Sorry Dad

I didn't know then,

I do now.

Mum used to accuse you

of having a mistress.

I actually believed her

and hated you.

I can't believe

how stupid I was.

Mistresses cost money

and $15 was not

mistress money

even then.

I hated Mum

for nagging about money

But you used to tell me

She's not a bad mother

Just a hot tempered one

If you lived the life she lived

You wiould understand.

No matter how bad

money was,

she would always buy

story books for you.

Yes I had more Enid Blyton

and Hardy Boys

than anyone I knew.

Not bad for a

bus driver's kid.

You had to work

2 jobs.

Your school bus business

in the day time,

and as a STC bus driver

at night.

Every night

I would wake up

when I heard your motorbike

pulling in.

I would rush to you

and you would carry me

on your broad shoulders

Daddy Horse Daddy Horse

I squealed in delight.

You would give me

50 cents

and I would immediately

deposit in the piggy bank.

That's your school money, Son

you said.

Study hard.

You needed to overhaul

the school bus engine.

Mum said,

Take the money

from Boon.

We took my piggy banks

to POSB Siglap

I saw the tears

in your eyes

when you collected

the cheque.

I didn't know why

I do now.

It hurt you

like a knife through

your heart

to even touch

my money.

All your life

you just gave and gave

until there is no life energy left

for you to give.

Happy Birthday Dad

I miss you so

1600 HRS 10th July 2011

There's so much fuss these days

about a grandpa

carrying his grand daughter's

school bag.

I suddenly remembered

about the time

I was in Primary 4

at St Stephen's.

We had a school camp,

during the holidays.

Wasn't exactly a camp,

we slept in the classrooms,

on strawmats

on the concrete floor.

Dad sent me

to the school camp.

He saw our

sleeping quarters

in the classrooms.

He hugged me

and said goodbye

Enjoy yourself,

make sure you

eat your rice

and your vegetables.

We were

in the middle of

soap carving class.

I was trying to

carve a school bus

out of that

block of soap.

Dad reappeared,

I got you something Son.

I left it in the classroom,

your sleeping space.

After class,

I went to take a look.

Oh my God!!!

Dad brought me an

8 inch thick Dunlopillo mattress!!!

Sure,

I could hear some teachers,

making comments,

So spoilt,

So pampered.....

Well,

fuck you all.

I think I turned out OK.

Thanks Dad

1800 HRS 3 rd July 2011

I've always hated choke (congee)

No matter how tasty it is

It reminded me of the torment

as a wheezy asthmatic kid

Choke for breakfast, lunch and dinner

Even till today

almost 47

the very thought of choke

makes me sick.

I lived in HK for almost 7 years

During one of my home visits,

Dad said he will treat me

for lunch.

I was sitting in school bus

Where are we going Dad?

Aiya you shut up lah

Dad will take you

to this special place

Confirm you will like one

We went to Joo Chiat

and had chicken choke

I hated every spoonful

it was nice

I admit,

but I hated it

no less.

I came home,

Mum asked,

Where did Dad

take you?

To Joo Chiat lor

Eat choke har

Ya lor

But you don't like choke what.

Mum remembered.

Dad I truly appreciate

your effort

I am Dad now

Dads are

CLUELESS

0200 HRS 21 st August 2010

Slow down my only son

lay down your head

and get some sleep

you only have this

number of hours

in a day

there is always tomorrow

to wake up to.

Slow down my only son

you have your whole life ahead

to chase

all your dreams

always remember

the laughter

you have right now,

and keep it always

in your heart

as you let

Life's disappointments pass


Slow down my only son

some days you'll find

fortune never smiles

and you seemed

to be dealt

one bad card

after another

do remember

when you've picked yourself up

as you learnt to walk

how determined you were

to be on your own

two tiny feet


Slow down my only son

Dad will pick you

whenever you fall

but you do know

it won't be forever.

just take good care

of your mother

as she once taken

good care of you


Slow down my only son

I wished

I'd given you a brother

or a sister

but do not ever feel

that you're all alone

just be still

and hear

the voice of God

close your eyes

in your darkest despair

and you may just see

Dad smiling on you

2100 HRS 15th August 2010

I can hardly believe

its been a year

already.

Where have those

12 months

disappeared to?

Like the fine sand

at Samui,

I thought I had time

in my hand

suddenly its gone.

I was there,

I know.

But somehow,

each moment

was so fleeting,

before I could

fully absorb

the experience

fully laugh

at the hilarious

fully amaze

by your antics

fully assimilate

your entire existence

its gone

only to be replaced

with yet

something new,

leaving me

gasping

and breatheless

wishing I could

playback the scene

in slow mo.

Son,

I sometimes wish

you can slow down

a little,

so Dad can

catch up

with his Fatherhood.

Happy Birthday my boy

2100 HRS 9th December 2009

I've often been asked,

what if my son

chooses to support

Man U?

Made me think back

of watching football

with Dad.

Back in the 70s

Malaysia Cup

at the Kallang Stadium

when local passion

for football

was at its greatest.

60,000 fans

will be yelling ourselves

hoarse.

Our heroes

Quah Kim Song,

Dollah Kassim,

Siak Poh Leong,

Mohammad Noh,

Samad Alipichay.

Or more accurately

my heroes,

not Dad's.

Dad was Pahang born,

he always supported Pahang

I just didn't know that.

He merely joined me,

celebrated

when I celebrated,

consoled me

when I cried.

Until one night,

Singapore was playing Pahang.

We were thumping them

6-0

was the final score.

Each time we scored,

I was in ecstacy.

Until the last goal went in,

I turned to Dad,

to celebrate.

But I saw the look

on his face,

it was the look

of a broken man.

6 goals was even too much

even for that big man

to take.

I was too young

and stupid,

to know that

with each goal

it was like

a knife got stabbed

in his heart.

So if my son

were to support

Man U,

I will join him

and celebrate

his happiness,

be there for him

when he cries,

because

his happiness

will be my happiness,

and his tears

will be my tears,

even though

it can really hurt

sometimes.

Afterall,

we in Liverpool say,

YOU'D NEVER WALK ALONE

2300 HRS 6 th November 2009

I think

it was in the early 70s

or late 60s.

My uncles and older cousins

would come over

on weekends

on their motorbikes.

Bell bottomed jeans,

their girlfriends

hugging them tight

as pillon riders

one hand holding

an acoustic guitar.

Dad had this old hifi

that looked like a giant

cupboard,

flip up the top

and there's the turntable

inside.

The speakers were

built into

that cupboard.

They will be sitting

outside at night

behind PAP Siglap Kindergarten

drinking Tiger beers

with ice.

Dad will be blasting out

his favourite music,

from Beatles

to Led Zeppelin.

I knew every single song.

After several drinks,

without fail,

Dad will yell at me,

and I will reluctantly

walk over.

Tell uncle what song is this???

I would mutter out

Soldier of Fortune lor

And they will all roar

in laughter

at this screwed up

6 year old kid

2200 HRS 6th November 2009

I was in CJC

an angry young man

listening to Bob Dylan

and Bruce Springsteen.

A rebel without a cause.

I came home one day

pissed drunk,

reeking of booze

and smokes.

Mum went ballistic.

Dad said to her

let it be,

he is a young man.

Just how is he

gonna make friends

if he does not smoke

and drink

2100 HRS 6 th November 2009

Dad used to love bikes.

He had a 750 cc Kawasaki

in the 70s,

that bike was like

the fastest thing

on the road.

The roar of its engine

was such a pleasure

to my ears.

I was 16 years old

in St Pat's.

One evening,

I announced

to the family

over dinner

I wanna learn

to ride a bike.

Mum went hysterical

Jie nagged on and on

I finally conceded

forget it,

its a bad idea

I'm not gonna ride

a bike ever.

That night,

at about midnight,

when both Mum and Jie

were fast asleep

Dad woke me up.

I asked him,

What is it?

Why you woke me up?

He replied,

You wanna learn

to ride a bike?

Let's go biking now

0800 HRS 4th October 2009

At the break of dawn,

on 29 Sep 09,

Dad was gasping

for breath.

Mum rushed him

to the hospital.

On the ambulance,

Mum remained

by his side

all the time.

Dad gave a loud grunt

his usual way of

calling out for Mum.

Mum comforted him,

its okay, we're going

to the hospital,

see the doctor,

and the doctor

will take good care

of you.

Just a little while more,

you'd be fine.

Dad closed his eyes

peacefully,

and never woke again.

It was his way

of saying goodbye

to his wife

of 51 years.

Up to the end,

the Leader of the band

2000 HRS 3 rd October 2009

You left us almost 3 years ago,

when you became incapacitated,

you could not move,

you could not talk.

You could only eat

via tubes

through the nose.

Breathing

was a momentous task,

as you heaved

each breathe.

I visited you every week

to say hello.

Sometimes it was easy

to forget

you were there.

But you hung on,

for 3 years,

till I told you,

that you have

a grandson

called Van-Dylan Koh Thien An

and I repeated

that his surname is Koh

your bloodline.

I showed you

his photos,

as you stared

with glassy eyes.

When I was preparing

to fly back,

I hugged Mum,

said goodbye

to everyone.

It was easy

to forget

you were there.

I stepped out

of the flat,

and walked down

the corridor.

Something made me

take a look back

to wave goodbye

to Mum,

when I saw,

you were lying

on your side,

staring at me

with those glassy eyes,

this time

tearful.

I dropped my bag

and rushed back

indoors.

Dad, I'm so sorry

I have to go now,

I'm going home

to Bangkok,

to look after

your grandson,

Van-Dylan Koh Thien An.

I kissed your forehead

and said goodbye.

How was I supposed to know

that it would be

your final farewell?

Now when I think back

of the way

you made

our final parting,

it was sweet

it was beautiful.

Thanks Pa,

even till the end,

with whatever little

life energy

you had left,

you still said goodbye

in a way

only you can.

I'm just a living legacy

of the

Leader of the Band

1800 HRS 3 rd October 2009

Not too long ago,

you moved in with me

because you had

a fight

with Mum.

I went to your room,

and said,

you're a husband,

a father,

and a grandfather.

Why can't you carry

yourself

more like a husband,

a father,

and a grandfather?

What a stupid

smartass thing

to say.

You just retorted,

Boon,

you never lived my life.

Stop making judgements

when you never lived my life.

Well Mr Financial Markets Hotshot,

your Dad

who does not read nor write

just shut you up

and taught you

a lesson in life.

1200 HRS 2nd October 2009

I remember the stupid fights

we used to have.

I was a rebellious teenager

and hated talking to you.

I don't know why

it was so hard

to talk to you.

You used to say,

wait till the army gets you.

They will teach you

you will know

how to suffer.

They will teach you

and you will

finally be

a man.

I went to army

and got posted

to demolition.

I saw your face

turn pale

with worry.

As you thought

of me dying

in an accidental

bomb blast.

You spent the next

one year,

talking to friends,

army officers,

even the MP of Siglap

Encik Rahim Ishak,

trying to get me out

of demolition.

I've only got one son

you would tell them,

please take him out

of demolition.

One day I came home

and told you

they posted me out

of demolition

into admin.

You asked,

what happened?

I said

I got downgraded,

I failed the medical.

You grinned,

and said

GOOD

1400 HRS 1st October 2009

We were kids

at PAP Siglap Kindergarten.

We were lining up

two by two

the shortest kids

up in front.

Peng Kwee and I

were in front.

He was a stout

little kid.

I was scrawny.

He wanted to play

ballroom dancing.

He grabbed my wrist

and swung my arm

over my head

dislocating my arm

my elbow

and my wrist!!!

Till today,

I still remember

the blue and black

stripped T-shirt

he wore.

And that worried look

on his face

as I screamed

in pain.

Dad brought me

to this Chinese sinseh

kept reassuring me

it will be okay

very soon.

The Chinese sinseh

fixed me

one dislocation

at a time.

It hurt no less

each time.

Dad was holding me,

repeatedly telling me

I'll be okay soon

and we will go home

and play with the dogs.

I trusted Dad,

and soon

we're back home

having lunch.

I was still sobbing,

Dad said,

its okay,

Peng Kwee was only playing.

He didn't want to hurt you,

he was only playing.

And you know why

he is so strong?

Because he eats

his rice

and vegetables,

thats why he is

so strong,

because he eats

his rice and vegetables.

I gorged at my rice bowl

and stuffed myself

with rice

and vegetables

that day.

Hey Bird,

its been 40 years now,

how about

a little dance?

1200 HRS 30th September 2009

I was primary 4

at St Stephen's.

Afternoon session

another gruelling day

with Mrs Thambiah.

After school,

I ran up the slope

where you were waiting

in your half squat

arms wide opened.

I ran up to you

and you gave me

a nice bear hug.

Kissed my head.

Boy, Mummy got baby already you know?

I looked up at your grinning face

Boy or Girl???

I demanded.

Girl.

The joyful expression

disappeared

from my face.

I pulled away from

your hug,

ran down the slope

to the tuckshop,

wailing

YOU ALL PURPOSELY ONE!!!

I KNOW!!!

YOU ALL PURPOSELY ONE!!!

I could hear your laughter

What a laughter

Nobody laughs

like the way you did,

a whole hearted

from the bottom of the gut

laughter.

I can still hear

that laughter now.

Pa, can you laugh again

for me

just one more time

0200 hrs 30th September 2009

It was

the longest flight

I ever took.

I flew home

to bury my father.

Tears streamed down

my cheeks.

My neighbour asked

is everything ok?

My dad passed away

this morning,

he gave me a tissue.

Memories flooded back,

in the drone of the aircraft.

I was at Stephen's.

We were watching some boys

playing a game of rounders.

Pa I want to play.

He walked up to the boys.

Who is captain of team?

A boy lifted up his hand

My son want to play

let him play.

The boy's face showed dismay

I was barely taller

than the bat.

But you don't argue

with a grown up

in Ray Ban sunglasses.

Just hit the ball hard

and run to where that boy is.

He pointed at 1st base.

We were losing.

We had boys

at 1st base

2nd base

and 3rd base.

I was the last batsman.

Boon, hit the ball hard

and run!!!

The ball came flying in,

I swung the bat.

Was not even close.

This is becoming silly.

I never played this game before

and probably never will again.

The ball came flying in again,

I missed again.

Boon, hit the ball hard

and run!!!

This was my last chance.

The ball came flying in again,

I swung my body

and the bat connected sweetly.

The ball flew across the field

towards Siglap Primary.

Boon RUN!!!

I dashed towards 1st base.

But dad was still yelling

The boys were squealing

in a way only primary boys could.

I was confused.

I thought I did as I was told.

Boon RUN!!!

He pointed at 3rd base.

I ran again

towards 3rd base.

The boys squealed.

NO!!! 2nd base!!!

The ball was so far

I had the time

to run from 3rd base

to 2nd base.

The sound of his joyous laughter

rang in my ears,

as I made

my home run.

I was the hero.

More importantly,

I was Dad's hero

for that precious few seconds.

Dad taught me

never to doubt

Hit the ball hard

and run.

A few years later,

I was more interested

in football.

I could shoot

with both feet.

And over 10-20 metres

no kid could outrun me.

But I was one third

the size of

Jerome Aeira.

Dad bought Mr Sheperdson

some drinks.

And Mr Sheperdson

asked me to train

with the school team.

Naturally I never made it

to the first team.

But training with the big boys

was blissful enough.

And Dad knew it.

He never allowed

my lack of height

or stature

to handicap myself.

When I was in Primary 1,

a bigger kid

slapped my ear.

When Dad came

to pick me up

after school,

I was tearful.

Boon, who bully you???

He bellowed,

in that loud resonating voice.

I shooked my head

in defiance,

looking out

of his van's window.

He held my little hand,

tell me who bully you???

I walked hand in hand

with Dad,

sobbing openly now,

and pointed out that kid.

You bully my son???

He left me alone

after that

never saw him again

after PSLE.

36 years later,

in his hazy state of dementia,

he whispered to me

Boon, who bully you???

Then it suddenly became clear

His entire life

was spent protecting me

even in his frail later years

he remained crystallised

in his protective ways.

He used to bring the family

to Palm Beach Bedok

for seafood.

He would just serve us,

as we devour the food.

He would only eat

some fried rice

and beers.

All his life,

he wanted to provide.

He reckoned

by not eating,

there would be more

for us to eat.

Watching us enjoy

was enjoyment enough

for him.

Dad, you gave and gave

till there was no more life energy

left in you.

Giving to your family,

was your entire being.

My greatest achievement

in Life

would be the father

you once were.

My greatest failure

would be otherwise.

Rest in Peace Dad,

I love you always

1850 hrs 11th September 2009

Seems like only yesterday,

when I looked

at the stars above

and stood

in the shadows

of the moonlight.

The vastness

of the rooftop terrace

stuck an empty chord.

Nothing seems more bleak

than buying a condo alone.

The street lights

were shining below,

I saw a happy couple

holding each other,

As I held my can of beer.

Coming home

through an empty hallway

staggering upstairs,

in drunken stupor

My only redemption.

I cursed

another blown lightbulb

On the chandelier.

I peered out

Of the staircase window,

The Korean kids

Were laughing at the pool.

I’ve always loved

the laughter Of young children.

But this time,

In my drunken haze

They seemed like

A mockery.

Annyong fucking hasaeyo to you too.

And to your obnoxious father

Who is at least 10 years

Younger than me.

Oh God,

What is happening to me?

As a kid,

I used to enjoy

My own solitude.

Who the fuck was I kidding?

A middle aged old man

Alone

And lonely.

What does it take

To fill that abyss Of my soul?

Is it so difficult

To want to share

Your life a little bit?

To find joy

In being wholly responsible

For someone

Other than yourself?

God,

Can you hear

My despair?

He did,

And my prayers became

A little boy.

1800 hrs 18th July 2009

Lord,

as we prepare

to welcome Van-Dylan

into this world,

I prayfor his safe passage.

As I prepare

for fatherhood,

grant me wisdom

that I may guide him,

grant me stength

that I may provide for him,

grant me peace

that I may shelter him.

Grant him enthusiasm

that he may seek

to live

the wonderment of life

to the fullest.

Grant him dreams

that the quest

to experience your miracles

you manifest

in this world

be his lifelong crusade.

Grant him love

that is your greatest gift

that he may love you

and your all

of your amazing creations,

and that his love

will be always

be a pleasure

for you to behold.

Fill his soul,

with the Holy Spirit,

that his words and actions,

will always be

a glowing testimonyfor you.

Fill his heart,

with blissful joy,

that his life

will touch you

and all of us

privileged to be

around him.

For afterall,

he is your gift

to us.

Amen

0035HRS NOVEMBER 1ST 2008

Nobody falls in love by choice

its by chance.

Nobody stays in love by chance

its by work.

Nobody falls out of love by work

its by choice

2245 HRS OCTOBER 31ST 2008

I read with utter disgust

PM Lee Hsien Loong's

letter of condolence

to the sons of

JB Jeyaretnam.

Here,

we have two sons

grieving

over the loss

of their father,

and all our prime minister

have to say,

was

"he sought by all means

to demolish the PAP

and our system of government.

Unfortunately,

this helped neither

to build up a

constructive opposition

nor our Parliamentary tradition"

Some letter of condolence.

This was condolence

like Singapore

is a democracy.

Singapore is as

democratic as

Zimbabwe.

Only our public toilets

are cleaner.

Mr Prime Minister sir,

you're about as sensitive

as silicon breast implants.

You just made Kim Jong Il

look like a polished diplomat.

You went on,

to talk about,

how your PAP government

ensured that

the sons of JB Jeyaretnam

were not prejudiced

in finding employment

in Singapore.

Right,

self glorification

about your compassion

in a letter of condolence.

You just proved

you're as compassionate

as Adolf Hitler.

The next time we complain

about Singaporeans being

an uncompassionate lot,

we know

it started from

the very top.

Our kids sing

on National Day,

there is no place else,

I'd want to be.

Maybe Zimbabwe

sounds nicer.

At least Robert Mugabe

does not pretend

to be democratic.

You fucking cold blooded reptile

1320 HRS OCTOBER 15TH

Today's papers reported.

Singapore's Olympic silver medal

winning table tennis team,

is quitting Singapore

to ply their trade

elsewhere.

Barely two months,

after winning the silver medal

and pocketing

Singaporean taxpayer's

$750,000

they decided to quit Singapore,

to ply their trade elsewhere.

Singapore Sports Minister said,

they may be China born,

but they played their hearts out

for Singapore.

Right.

Now, they're quitting.

Did they play their hearts out

for Singapore,

or for the prize money?

If indeed they played their

hearts out for Singapore,

how about giving us

the money back?

Nobody seems to remember,

they bitched and moaned

about paying income tax

on their prize money.

Yeah, they played their hearts out

for Singapore,

and after taking the money,

they won't pay tax,

won't give anything back.

These Singapore government guys

simply don't get it.

Perhaps they never will.

Singaporeans are Singaporeans.

No amount of money you throw

at a foreigner,

will turn him or her

into a Singaporean.

You just given them

a NRIC

and lots of money,

but you did not make them

a Singaporean.

Now our preparations

of London Olympics 2012

are all shattered,

because of a bunch of people

that this government said

played their hearts out

for Singapore.

1700 HRS OCTOBER 9TH 2008

Spent the last 10 days

in Vietnam.

What a great time.

Had a lovely chat,

with my grandpa in law.

He is a REAL DUDE.

DA MAN....

He was suspected

of collabarating with

French and American imperialists.

The Viet Cong captured him

and tortured him.

Put him in a

squatting space only

bamboo cage.

He stayed there for months.

Ate in there, slept in there,

shit in there.

Beaten, stabbed,

branded with hot irons.

Refused to confess

to the bitter end.

All those who confessed

were subsequently

buried alive.

Grandpa in law

was a simple fisherman.

What the fuck he cares

about Marxism, socialism, capitalism, democracy???

The Vietcongs

terrorized the fishermen

in his village.

They came at night

demanding food and medicine

and sometimes shelter

for their wounded.

Would you dare to argue

against someone

with a loaded machine gun???

And for that,

the Americans

pounded his village

daily with bombs.

Cannon shells shot

over from the warships

destroying the village,

flattening all the houses.

Grandpa in law

dug a tunnel

under his house,

reinforced it with concrete.

To protect the family.

They will survive

near misses,

but not direct hits.

Neighbouring families

dugged into concrete reinforced

tunnels,

who got direct hits

from incoming cannon shells

were wiped out.

Fuck you Americans la.

If its the Viet Cong

you were looking for,

they've all ran

to the neighbouring mountains.

The small handful still hiding

in the village,

were mortally wounded

and not battle worthy.

But you Americans still

proceed your murderous

bombing campaign,

obliterating villages,

annihilating thousands

of innocent fishermen.

And today,

you fucking dare to

whine,

bitch,

moan

about 9-11 ?

For all the deaths

and sufferings

you caused

in Vietnam alone,

you deserve to have

at least a thousand more

9-11s !!!

You do not have

the moral authority

to even question,

why people hate Americans

so much!!!!

There is no other nation

more violent

and war mongering

than you guys!!!

I used to think

American citizens

are alright,

just unfortunate

to have a government

with a violent

and war mongering

foreign policy.

But you guys

voted a murderer

like George Bush,

not once,

but twice.

Don't ever whine

when the world hates you.

You deserve

every bit of misery

you get.

You're so lucky

people like grandpa in law

are too peaceful.

He still suffers nightmares

of of the war.

But he is just happy

to have survived

3 wars.

Trust me,

some people

are not so benign,

they will want

to get even.

1235 HRS SEPTEMBER 24TH 2008

There is just simply no end

to this Swingabore government bullshit.

Two Singaporean paraplegics

won a gold, a silver and 2 bronzes

in Paralympics.

And they get paid 1/10th

the amount

that was promised

to the Chinese table tennis players.

These Singaporeans,

overcame physical disability

and against insurmountable odds

went beyond their handicaps

and won for the country

of their birth.

And they get paid 1/10th

when they deserve to be paid

10 times more

and not 1/10th.

Fuck you la Swingabore.

Just because these

Singaporean paraplegics

are not your expensive

foreign talent programme

and they achieved

a whole lot more,

so you pay them

a whole lot less.

I try so hard

to think like the way

you do,

but I can't push

my head up

my ass

quite far enough.

1645 HRS SEPTEMBER 5TH 2008

I was talking to my friend,

when suddenly we talked about

Dr Vivian Balakrishnan.

I wanted to talk about this guy

for a long time,

but he is such a forgetable

and laughable character,

I never got down to it.

I remembered early this year,

Dr Vivian talked about

wooing overseas Singaporeans

to come back.

Yeah right,

after years of

dictatorial oppression

by your PAP government,

driving out hundreds of thousands

of the smartest

and most talented Singaporeans

of my generation,

and now you want them back?

Just what do you have here?

Other than your

multi million dollar

minister salaries.

Can you afford to pay them

your kind of salaries?

Otherwise, what?

Do you think

they are hard up

for a smaller house here

than what they have there?

A smaller car here

than what they have there?

Why did they leave,

in the very first place?

Because its better

to have a say,

to have a voice

than forever live in fear

whenever you have

a dissenting voice.

Back home in Singapore,

we are all nothing but statistics

to our dictatorial government.

We have no say,

no voice.

We do everything we were told,

and the Lees do anything,

they feel like.

My friend Martyn See

made a movie "Singapore Rebel"

and kena hauled off

to the police station

being questioned

for hours.

And his film

got banned

and further warned

never to make another

similiar movie.

Does the talented overseas Singaporeans

want to live in your kind

of police state?

Maybe if you offer everyone

your kind of salary.

Having said that,

Dr Vivian,

please lah...

your youth days in NJC,

you were so anti-government.

Until you joined the government.

Yes, you sold your soul

for government money.

So throwing money

at talented overseas Singaporeans,

might just work.

Again, at the tax payer expense,

of Singaporeans

working their lives out

like a dog.

I remember

when you first joined the government.

You said,

you wanted to make a difference.

Please la,

you knew,

if you really wanted

to make a difference,

you would NOT

have joined the government

and just being another

barking dog

for your Lee family bosses.

In the meantime,

Dr Vivian,

stop talking cock lah.

2300 HRS AUGUST 25TH 2008

This fucking Swingabore government

every fucking year

they raise tobacco taxes

in the name of

"discouraging smoking".

All well and good.

You win,

you're the good guy.

I'm trying to quit smoking.

But,

one question Sir,

if the government is trying

to discourage smoking

by imposing high tobacco taxes,

why the hell fuck

is the cost of nicotine gum

TWICE that of cigarettes?

If you really want to

"discourage smoking",

why didn't you subsidse

part of the cost

of giving up smoking,

using the hefty income

you made from

tobacco taxes?

Its so fucking easy

to expose

the fucking money grabbing

greed

of this fucking Swingabore government.

Fucking hippocrites.

1755 HRS AUGUST 20TH 2008

So Singapore

won its first

Olympic medal

since 1960.

Big cause for celebration.

Chinese players

wearing a Singaporean shirt.

Sports Minister said

the players maybe

Chinese born and bred

but they are

Singaporean citizens

and they played their hearts out

for Singapore.

Yeah right.

They just happen

to be paid

alot of money

$750,000

to get that medal.

The highest in the world

for an Olympic medal.

They were paid alot of money

to migrate to Singapore

and be Singapore citizens.

They were paid alot of money,

and its all our money.

Tax payers money.

They did not come here

because they love laksa.

They did not come here

because they love doing

national service.

They did not come here

because they want to learn

Singlish.

In fact they do

everything they can,

not to learn Singlish.

The only thing Singaporean

about them,

is their NRIC cards

and they earn tax payers money.

Lots of money.

Why celebrate?

Well, Singapore has for

about 12 years now

been trying to buy

us an Olympic medal.

We finally got

what we paid for

after about 12 years.

Yeah,

big cause for celebration

1635 HRS AUGUST 4TH 2008

Old friends

we were once young

naive and innocent.

now we're past middle aged,

past 40,

pushing 50 soon

like a tired old

bulldozer.

when was the last time,

we met?

did you say 15 years ago?

we've put on some weight

our hair is greying

our knees ache

i didn't know.

we shared our life stories

thrills and spills.

how we fell

and how we rose again.

but we always knew

we're still there

to have a laugh.

years apart

but yet

we were so

at ease

with each other.

its like as though

there were no years

in between.

you used to complete

my sentences

when I ran out

of words.

all these years later,

somehow we just knew

what each of us

would say,

even before we began

a sentence.

where are those years guys?

where have they gone to?

we were wild.

we were rebellious

we were angry

we didn't know why.

we thought

we were different.

but now we know

we were just stupid,

at least I was.

those are memories now

distant memories.

but because we remember,

we remain friends

dear to our hearts.

i forgot how

friendship used to be

so innocent.

we had nothing

we could use.

friendship was pure

with no monetary benefit.

networking was not invented

when you were in college.

So lets raise a glass

or two

as we talked

about our dreams

aspirations

failures

successes.

how our lives

diverged

and how we can still

pick up so easily

where we left off.

it made us laugh

it made us cry.

we lost all those years

drifting apart

lets not make

that same mistake

again.

Friends like Us

don't always come by

you realised that.

1225 HRS JULY 29TH 2008

Amnesty International

making an issue

that human rights have not improved

in Beijing

inspite of the Olympics Games 2008

being awared to Beijing.

Just what the hell fuck

is all that about?

If human rights is the basis

of awarding Olympic Games

to a city,

why the hell fuck then,

did they award Olympic Games 1936

to Hitler's Berlin?

1530 HRS JULY 28TH 2008

Have not written

for many months.

Since I moved office

and no longer have the luxury

of having the privacy

to write.

But I just have to,

say something

about what I just read.

Scientists estimate,

that the USA have

about 86 billion barrels

of crude oil,

that is still untapped.

Considering that the USA

consumes about 7.5 billion barrels

of crude oil annually,

that translates to about 12 years

of crude oil,

that is independent of Middle East supplies.

Yet, presidential candidate Barack Obama said,

"Offshore drilling would not lower gas prices today,

it would not lower gas prices next year,

and it would not lower gas prices 5 eyars from now"

Yes, it is true

that newly discovered reserves of oil,

takes a long time to deliver.

But that does not mean you don't drill now!!!

Drill for those 86 billion barrels now

for fuck's sakes!!!!

Just because drilling for oil now

does not give you its benefits

does not mean you don't drill!!!

And Senator Obama Sir,

I disagree with you.

If you drill for oil now,

gas prices will drop IMMEDIATELY!!!

Lets say it takes 10 years,

for your crude oil

to come online,

and supply USA

for another 12 years,

what do you think,

the oil producers of the world

will do now?

They will immediately

sell their crude oil

like motherfucks!!!!

Coz they know,

in 10 years,

you don't need their oil!!!

So they sell their oil now,

flood the market with supply,

drive prices down for 10 years.

After 10 years,

you don't need them for

another 12 years.

In total of 22 years,

I can bet,

the world will have

alternative fuel sources

anyway.

Drill now you

stupid American motherfucker.

You can save the entire world,

a lot of grief

from expensive oil prices,

which incidentally,

your Hummers and SUVs

helped created

in the first place.

1100 HRS APRIL 9TH 2008

Last night,

she woke up at 2.45 am

to accompany me

watch Liverpool win

in one of the greatest nights

of my life.

No women have ever done that

for me.

I married her

169 days

after I met her.

I now regret

that I waited

that long.

1030 HRS MARCH 28TH 2008

Oh fuck,

just when I thought

I have nothing to do

on a Friday morning,

and looking forward

to the weekend,

I had to

just had to

read this fucking article

written by some fucking American

about how South East Asia

were once untouched

and forgotten paradises.

Critical

of how modern

and commercial

South East Asia

has become.

Blaming how

mass tourism

has ruined

or spoilt

these once untouched

paradises

of South East Asia.

Oh, get a fucking life

you motherfucker.

This is the reality of life now

you better get used to it.

Don't blame mass tourism,

modern civilisation

has accorded our people

with schools and education,

roads, ports, airports,

telecommunications, power supply,

clean water, advance medicine,

the infrastructure for modern life

to thrive on.

What is so mother fucking wrong with that?

Why put the blame on mass tourists?

As opposed to what?

Budget backpack tourists

of your fucking era?

Bringing a few dollars

to spend in a shoe string hostel,

and bringing along venereal diseases

and drugs?

South East Asia maybe living in

villages then,

but we sure as hell

can do without you

and your flower power hippee thrash.

For that matter,

why stop at old hippee

budget tourists?

Why not blame your

fucking colonial forefathers?

Why the fuck did they

come,

steal our land,

kill our men,

fuck our women?

South East Asia

was a greater paradise then.

Why don't you look

at your own fucked up country?

America was once

a beautiful paradise

of sweeping plains,

roaming buffaloes

great evergreen forests

and native Americans.

Why the fuck,

are you and your white thrash people

doing in America?

Why don't you guys all

go back to Europe

where you belong,

return America to

its rightful people,

the native Americans,

and turn America

back into a paradise

of sweeping plains

roaming buffaloes

great evergreen forests?

South East Asia is not ruined,

it has merely changed,

probably for the better.

If you're not gonna complain

about how America

is no longer a paradise,

just shut the fuck up

about our country.

Just Fuck Off