2225 HRS MAY 10TH 2007

Living with Schizophrenia.

It took me a long time,

to want to write about

this affliction of mine

that I've been living with

for 7 years now.

As in virtually all mental illness,

I doubt schizophrenia

is fully understood

by medical science.

My own experiences

made me derive my own prognosis

which maybe radically different

from those of mainstream psychiatry.

It started 7 years ago

24th June 2000,

when my ex-wife left me,

and I came back

to an empty house.

The initial shock

led to severe depression

and led me to drink,

the weed killer

from the garden.

I suspect

the combination

of poison and depression,

permanently altered

the chemical balance

in my head

and I started hearing

voices

and seeing delusions

thereafter.

I said permanently

because unfortunately

brain cells do not regenerate

unlike other cells

of the body.

Ultimately,

it is the result

of an overactive mind

in unoccupied circumstances

that often lead

to delusionary attacks.

The starting point,

is almost always,

a disturbed state of mind

in emotional turmoil.

I've learnt,

that human emotions

are impossible

to suppress.

They always resurface

in another form,

almost always

more destructive.

In my case,

my subconsciousness

created a parallel universe

for me to escape

reality of living.

In my murky world

of subconsciousness,

my mind somehow distilled,

my two alter egos,

good and evil.

Before I learnt,

that it was schizophrenia,

that I was dealing with,

I entertained those delusions.

I had hours of conversations,

with my two alter egos.

The good, I called Daniel,

the voice of my conscience.

The evil, I called Lu,

short of Lucifer.

I used to sit down,

and had wonderfully intellectual debates,

with the two of them,

until I totally exhausted myself.

They will reappear

everytime I was alone

and I actually welcomed

their presence

as though I was meeting

old friends.

Together, we would

analyse, hypothesize,

theorerize

Life in itself.

Later on, at the advise

of my psychiatrist,

I was told to avoid

these delusions.

The danger is,

at one point,

in severe cases

of Schizophrenia,

I may lose the ability

to differentiate

between delusions

and reality,

and remain

permanently

in the world of delusions.

I was administered

this horrible medication

called Risperdal.

My own unfortunate experiences

with Risperdal

were two fold.

It does indeed instill

mental calm,

and nothing can ever upset me

in that state of peacefulness

and calm.

Risperdal's life cycle

is 24 hours,

and I was supposed to take

ONE tablet a day.

But the problem is,

the body gets accustomed

very quickly,

and that life cycle

gets shorter

every single day.

The nightmare is

when Risperdal's life cycle

wears off.

The delusions come back

a hundred times worse.

I would be seized,

in a state

of utter fear

and paranoia.

A constant state of anxiety

and panic attacks.

The delusions,

by now Daniel is gone,

and Lu plus a thousand others,

will mock and laugh at me,

hurl insults,

asking me to jump off

the 11th floor

of my apartment.

There were times,

I wanted to jump off,

just to silence them.

My medication went from

ONE tablet of Risperdal

to FOUR tablets a day.

I knew,

I was getting hopelessly addicted

to Risperdal.

I locked myself,

in a hotel room,

in Batam,

for 3 days

to totally wean myself off

from my addiction.

For 3 days,

I battled with my delusions,

till the after effects of Risperdal,

disappeared from my system

totally.

Now, having learnt

that chemically induced calmness

dispels my delusions,

if follows that

if I can self induce

my own calmness,

it will dispel delusions too.

I learnt that,

the moral support

of loved ones,

family and friends

help better than any

available medication.

In the absence of that,

I suppose religion

is a great healer too.

Unfortunately,

I often lacked the faith

to believe in

any organised religion

wholeheartedly at least.

I don't think this affliction

will ever go away

completely.

I've learnt to cope,

by being focussed

mentally

or physically,

such that my mind

will not have a chance

to allow delusions back in.

It is presumptous

to expect

that I will not face any form

of adversity

in life's paths

to cause a recurrance

of my chemical imbalances.

It helps to take life

with equanimity

and a stoic outlook.

I've learnt that for me,

the delusionary trigger

is almost always

fear.

Fear of failure, fear of betrayal.

I am generally successful

in most aspects of life,

my biggest failures

have been my relationship

with women.

And these days,

the delusions will mock, gloat

and laugh hysterically,

at my relationship failures,

undermining

my own perception

of myself,

devastating all

my confidence.

But I've learnt

to exhaust myself physically

by constant activity,

or keep my mind distracted

by reading or any other

activity that demands

total concentration.

But if you have friends

or family,

with this affliction

of Schizophrenia,

and they lack

the capacity or ability

to help themselves,

I would say,

nothing beats

the reassuring environment

that love from friends

and family

can provide.