0215 HRS APRIL 30TH 2007

I can't sleep.

I tried but kept feeling

a strange out of the body

experience.

I felt myself

leaving my own body,

and looking at the man

that I am,

and trying to be

the man that

I want to be.

I've been bitter,

that I've tried so hard

to win love

but only lost,

all that I worked for

in life,

I had no one

to share with.

All that I am

was not good enough,

my love

was not good enough.

I longed for

the acceptance

of one woman,

whom I will love

as she loves me.

She loves me,

not only for the man

that I am,

but also the man

that I want to be.

A kind, happy, gentle,

self-assured,

righteous,

calm, peaceful

quietly confident man.

It does not matter

how many times

love have failed me.

Love is always new.

It can take me to heaven

or it can take me to hell,

but it always take me

some place new.

I have to accept

the gift of love,

because it nourishes

Life.

I cannot be enslaved,

by the failures

of my past.

I cannot judge

my future loves

by the sufferings

of my past.

Each new love,

writes its own rules,

its own book.

Love is good,

no matter where

it comes from.

If I reject love,

my soul dies

a slow death,

because I lacked

the courage

to pluck

the fruits of love

from the tree of Life.

Love is Life.

1305 HRS APRIL 29TH 2007

I have difficulties

understanding women

or people in general.

I have alot more respect

for animals

than people.

Women in marriages

or relationships,

have a tendency

to outgrow their men

over the years.

It reaches a stage

when they think

deep down,

but will never admit

that they're too good

for their men.

They go around complaining

about their men

to others,

making themselves

seem like such

sad and pathetic

victims

of their monstrous men.

But I have never really met

a real monster in my life.

Neither have I really met

a real angel in my life

for that matter.

Everybody is about

the same,

take away some strengths

and some weaknessess.

So women leave their partners

for two reasons,

(1) they have a better alternative

(2) they have the INTENTION

to find a better alternative.

Both of which I find

equally wrong.

Some actually bullshit themselves

that they're more comfortable

being by themselves,

that they do not need

a man in their lives.

But yet when someone new

walks into their lives,

they get all excited,

hence they fall under

the intention category.

I do not believe,

that there exists

a perfect couple

made in Heaven.

If a woman wants

a better alternative,

no matter how

happy the marriage may be,

I bet you every single cent

I ever owned,

a better alternative

WILL appear

in their lives.

It is not IF

but only WHEN.

The ultimate sin

in any marriage or relationship,

is COMPARISON.

When you do not stop comparing,

someone will walk in,

and make your partner

look like some sad citizen

from Republic of Losers.

We think we're smart

and modern.

But our forefathers,

had all the answers.

The reality is

when you made a commitment

you stick by it,

for better or worse.

You stopped loving your partner,

you hang in there,

because love is such that

at some point,

you will find reasons

to fall in love

with your partner again.

We fail to realise

that love is

very cyclical in nature.

If we hang around

during the downs,

it will go up again,

at some point,

if two people

make a conscious effort

to think about

what got them together

in the first place,

what kept them together

in the second place,

and decide that

they owe it to themselves

to find a reason

to love again.

1340 HRS APRIL 26TH 2007

I've been having

troubled sleep

for weeks now.

I usually drink

till I'm a bit drunk

and then go

to bed.

Last 3 days,

I've stopped drinking,

and going to bed

is more probably

more torture

than death itself.

Last night,

I kept asking myself

two questions.

(1) If I can

turn back the clock

and relive

one single day

from my past

which day,

would it be?

(2) If I was told

I have just one

more day to live,

who would I

choose to spend

my last day with?

Maybe I'm dying

2150 HRS APRIL 25TH 2007

Two days ago,

I took my boat out.

I had no idea,

where I was headed.

The sun was blazing hot

as the sea reflects

the sunlight

onto my face.

Somehow I sailed into

Sungei Rengit,

the scene

of so many

happy memories.

I was here

with her once,

I bought seafood,

crabs, lobsters, fish

and under

the midnight moon,

we ate

and drank wine

on the open deck

of the boat.

We chatted

until the wee hours

of the morning

right in the swamplands

of the Malaysian jungle,

only the sound

of cicadas

and crickets

in the swamps,

and glow of

fireflies

in the bushes.

I was drunk

and careless,

I lost my bearings

and navigated wrong.

We were lost

in the darkness

of the Malaysian jungle.

I prayed to God,

I probably deserved death

for all the sins against Him.

But please spare

the girl that I loved,

she should not bear

the sins of

my punishment.

I never prayed so hard

in my life,

because it was out of love

for her that I prayed

for our survival.

I was running

dangerously low

on fuel,

and I feared

tree snakes above

the canopy of branches

over the river,

and the wild crocodiles

that lurked beneath.

Miraculously,

I found my way out

of the swamps.

Thanks be to God

for his mercies

on me.

I could not stop laughing

in sheer joy

that we survived

this ordeal,

went back to the marina,

and made love

till we passed out.

As I surveyed

the same swamplands,

the memories

came back,

and laughter turned

into tears.

On this river,

where love was once found

and love is now lost.

I sailed aimlessly

on the Sungei Rengit

and cried,

where laughter

turned into tears.

As tears flowed

into the river,

and the river flowed

into the sea.

The sea evaporates

into clouds

and clouds condenses

into rain.

The cycle of Life

goes on.

1030 HRS APRIL 25TH 2007

I dunno.

These days

as I age,

I have a tendency

towards discarding

socially accepted morals

governing sexual behaviour.

I've been veering towards

a form of sexual nihilism

where I reject

all forms of sexual morality

or religious values.

I find existing codes

of sexual conduct

baseless, obsolete

and redundant

in this day and age.

Sexual fidelity

as we knew it,

was imperative

and probably still is,

in the formation of

a lasting and stable

emotional union

which in turn

provided the solid foundation

of a family unit

in which children

can thrive

and develop.

All well and good,

at a time when women's

role is at home

and her social

and professional interactions

were effectively non-existent.

Today,

the educated and professional woman

faces countless choices

and temptations.

At work

and at play,

she meets exciting

and more happening men

compared to the dour cow

of her husband at home.

As for today's men,

temptations are everywhere.

Almost all my clients

whom I entertain

at girly KTV bars

are married with children.

It does not matter,

if you have a beautiful

doting wife,

it does not matter,

if she is a high flier

who pays her half

in the mortgage

of his penthouse.

And commitment

is no longer sacred.

Does not matter

if you're married with children

or simply attached.

Suitors will come

and test your resistance

until you say yes.

It is so much easier

to say yes

than no.

So why even bother

making promises of loyalty

to your girlfriend or boyfriend

only to dump her/him

for the next better deal

to come along?

Why even bother

going to a church

and making marital vows

in the House of God

only to break them?

I'm far better off

paying for sex

with young and gorgeous

Mainland girls

and for that 2 hours,

illusions of intimacy.

Better than waking up

next to a middle aged woman

who will run away

with another man

taking with her

your house and car

anyway.

Diseases?

Who cares,

if people tell me

that I should live for myself,

it follows that

I should die for myself too

1700 HRS APRIL 24TH 2007

Isn't it funny,

how everybody

seems to know

how I should live my life,

except myself.

I like to do things

my way,

I like to think things

my way,

I rather be proven wrong

and learn a hard lesson,

than prove others right

and not even try.

I believe I have

a personal duty in life

to fulfill.

To be a better man

than what I would

otherwise be.

The possibility

of achieving a dream,

makes living worthwhile.

I want to reach

for the furthest star,

but also know,

that simple things in life,

are a blessing

and a miracle,

it delights me

to eat my favourite

char kway teow.

I embrace

my own humanity.

I acknowledge

my emotions.

When I am sad,

I want to immerse myself

completely

in misery.

Because misery

is human.

But like everything else

I have to detach

at some point,

and be useful again

to the world

around me.

This world does not stop

spinning for me,

when I'm down.

There are still lots of things

to be done,

lots of things to learn,

lots of things

to be happy about

1515 HRS APRIL 23RD 2007

13 years ago,

I was attached to

New York office.

I came home to Singapore.

Dad insisted

on taking me out for lunch.

I asked him,

where are you taking me Dad?

He said, you just shut up

and follow me

let me show you

where to go

for good food.

We went Joo Chiat

and had chicken congee.

When we came home,

Mum asked me,

where did Dad take you?

I replied, Joo Chiat.

He brought you to out

to eat chicken congee?

I said Yeah.

She said,

but

you hated congee

since you were a kid!!!

Mum remembered.

1505 HRS APRIL 23RD 2007

If

I were to create

a balance sheet statement,

for Mum,

where everytime she did

something for me

in my life,

I'd record it as an asset.

and everytime I did NOT

do something for her

that I should have done,

I'd record it as my liability.

I am the most fucking

morally bankrupt guy

in this world.

2300 HRS APRIL 22ND 2007

I was 9 years old,

and an extremely avid reader.

Mummy encouraged reading,

Dad thought it was a sissy activity

for girls and not boys.

Mum would bring me

every weekend

to Lucky Bookshop

at Siglap,

no matter how poor

we were,

she would buy me

a new book.

There was once,

I was in the shop,

I chose this book,

"Adventures of Huckleberry Finn".

The auntie at the shop

said I cannot read this book.

It was too difficult,

and snatched the book away from me

like as though

I tried to steal that book.

I walked out of the shop

looking miserable.

Mum asked why didn't I

choose a book.

I said I did,

but auntie would not

let me buy it

because she said

it was too difficult

for me.

Mum looked at the auntie,

and asked,

which is the book,

my son wanted?

Auntie said,

that book is an American literature classic,

it is too difficult

for you son.

Mum said,

I'm buying that book.

And please don't tell my son

any book is too difficult

for him.

And so I read my first

literature classic.

1455 HRS APRIL 22ND 2007

I bumped into

my colleague today.

He was looking so happy

to be pushing his baby's pram

like a proud father would.

This is the first time,

I saw him

on a weekend,

away from work.

He usually wears

this look of

frustration and

resentment

on his face.

But today,

pushing his toddler's pram,

he wore this face

of contentment

and filfillment.

I've always wanted

to be a family man.

I've always wanted

to be a Dad.

I've always wanted

to rush home after work

to be with my family.

When I am

with my loving wife

and wonderful children,

and realise

all that I go through

in the office

was worth the while.

Because I would do

anything,

and everything,

to make them smile.

If I were to die today,

I will want 3 more hours,

to spend

with the 3 women

in my life.

I just want to know

why.

Why was I robbed

of an opportunity

of family life.

Why was I robbed

of fatherhood.

Why was I robbed

of my youth.

Couldn't one of you

have stood by me

through

thick and thin,

through

ups and downs?

Being with them

I felt like,

I could go to battle

with this monster

called Life,

with a backup.

After being beaten up

by this monster

called Life,

I got back up

on my feet,

to take another beating.

I took a quick glance

and realised,

my backup had left.

And I fought

alone.

1000 HRS APRIL 20TH 2007

So,

he does not have time

to see you

to spend time with you?

There are 168 hours

in a week,

and he is too busy

to spare you one?

By the way,

if you so happen

to be Zhang Zi Yi

and so in love with him,

do you think

he can spare you

a bit more time?

So what do you think

is his level of interest

in you?

Go check the toilet bowl,

he flushed it down,

but for you,

its still swirling a bit

amongst alot

of his shit.

2000 HRS APRIL 19TH 2007

I belted out this old

1936 song written by

Charlie Chaplin

to myself

at the top of my voice

all alone at home,

it was

instant therapy.

Smile

Smile, though your heart is aching

Smile, even though its breaking

When there are clouds

in the sky

you'll get by

If you smile,

though your fear and sorrow

Smile, and maybe tomorrow

You'd see the sun

come shinging through

for you

If you just smile

Light up your face with gladness

Hide, every trace of sadness

Although a tear,

maybe ever so near.

Thats the time,

you must keep on trying

Smile, whats the use of crying?

You find that Life is still worthwhile

If you just smile.

1200 HRS APRIL 19TH 2007

People

who go into

extra-marital affairs

or cheated in a relationship,

just what the hell fuck

are they thinking?

You leave your spouse

for your lover,

or demand your lover

leaves his or her spouse?

I don't have actual statistics,

But I've seen

the long term

success rate

of such affairs

as ZERO.

A relationship

between a man

and a woman,

have to be built

on a solid foundation.

That foundation

is always the

moral values system

each partner holds.

Ideals of loyalty

and truth,

honesty

and commitment,

fidelity

and perseverance,

tolerance

and patience,

kindness

and graciousness,

compassion

and warm heartedness.

What foundation

is your relationship

based on

when right

from the onset

it was deceitful

and disloyal,

and causing

unspeakable amount

of pain

to someone else?

And you think

this new relationship

is going to work?

Maybe,

but statistics

will show,

the odds are stacked

against you.

1145HRS APRIL 19TH 2007

"You vandalised my heart

You raped my soul

You torched my conscience

You thought it was one

pathetic boy's life

you were extinguishing.

Thanks to you,

I will die

like Jesus Christ,

to inspire

generations of the

weak and defenseless people."

The last words

of Cho Seung Hui

before he went

on a killing rampage.

I don't for a single moment

think that people

spontaneously mutate

into murderous psychopaths.

The world we live in,

gradually transform them.

This world where we divide

the haves and the have nots,

the rich and the poor,

the winners and the losers.

Clearly,

young Cho was crying

for help

for a long time.

His soul was tortured

his being was tormented

his pain excruciating.

Buried amongst us,

there are many other Chos.

Inside each of us,

is a Cho screaming

for help.

Do we care?

Until a tragedy

occurs?

0950HRS APRIL 18TH 2007

They always tell me

Time is the

Greatest Healer.

Time heals

all wounds.

But they forgot to tell me

Time is also

the Greatest Distance

one have to travel

with the wound

still raw

and bleeding.

Disembodied voices

in my head,

hurling insults

tormenting my sleep

with their hysterical laughter.

Sometimes I see you

at home,

in your lingerie

that I bought.

Walking down the stairs

smiling at me

and then

with painful realisation

I saw

the smile

was not meant

for me,

but the guy

behind me.

I still feel the warmth

of your body

next to me,

as I doze off

to sleep.

Only to realise

the bed

was stone cold

on your side

of the bed

when morning breaks

into yet

another day

as time travels

its boundless

and immeasurable

distance.

0915HRS APRIL18TH 2007

So

a young psycho gunman

went berserk in Virginia Tech

killing himself

and 32 others.

I really don't see why

the Americans find this

so shocking.

Such incidents

are accidents just

waiting to happen

in America.

Firstly,

the stupid gun laws

in America.

If the Americans

love guns so much,

let them have guns.

Why don't they simply

ban bullets?

Its not guns who kill people,

its not even people who kill people,

its fucking bullets that kill people.

Secondly,

the high school and college culture

of America,

where loners and losers

are constantly taunted

and victimised.

Its about time,

Americans do a bit

of soul searching

about their very system

that consistently

breeds

such killers

1245HRS APRIL 17TH 2007

Too late to say

I'm sorry,

Too late to say

I love you.

Too late to restage

the play,

the game of love was over

in that playground

of yesterday.

Too much emotion

too much pride

the game is over

and I've have lost

yet again.

Now in sad reflection

as the fool escaped

his paradise

and cried.

I'll hold my peace forever

when you wear

your bridal grown.

Like a deaf mute

in a silent scream.

Hope when you kiss your prince,

you don't find a frog.

The game is over,

and I have lost.

Can you still say

you love me?

0045HRS APRIL 17TH 2007

So

you found

your tycoon's son.

The man of your dreams.

All your life's prayers

are answered.

The Heavens

must be rejoicing.

Guess

with your family's

social status,

someone like him

is most befitting.

Just what the hell

was I expecting?

With my old beat up Porsche,

rotten driftwood

of a boat,

cheap penthouse

in a HDB estate,

he probably earns

in a day,

what I earn

in a month.

Or am I still

overestimating myself?

It is a battle

I simply could not

hope to win.

You've found

what you've been searching

for your entire life,

a tycoon's son.

I just have to

take defeat

like a man.

I fought

a good fight,

I ran

a hard race.

But I am clearly

in a different league.

So here I am

once more,

in the playground

of losers.

I just have to admit

I am not good enough

for you.

Just what the hell

was I thinking?

I've always known

for the last 4 years,

I was not what you wanted.

You merely settled for me.

You wished I was richer

and better looking.

I've always felt

your disdain,

your haughty contempt.

I reacted

by overcompensating

for my shortcomings,

with outpouring of

love and patience.

It was clearly not enough.

My love was not enough.

Rejection

should not come

as a surprise.

1215 HRS APRIL 16TH 2007

I find it strange,

how women

all say the same things

when they want out

of a marriage.

The same choice

of words,

more or less.

I don't love you anymore

Life is short

I don't want to live

to regret.

My ex-wife's words were

If I don't leave you

I will keep wondering

what is it like

to be with someone else.

Yeah, considering

you once thought

you're the luckiest girl

in the world

to be with me.

And if I leave

a relationship

because I no longer love,

I would be changing partners

every few weeks.

Within a relationship

people fall in and out

of love

CONSTANTLY.

I always thought of

marriage as a bond

that keeps

two people together,

when they fell out

of love,

just long enough,

till they fell

in love

with each other

again.

It used to work

that way,

for better

or for worse,

in sickness

or in health,

for richer

or poorer.

In this bloody country,

when a man loses his job,

he loses his marriage.

What happened

to that sense of duty?

What happened

to the sacred vows

sworn at the altar

in the House of God?

What happened

to the self-sacrifice

for the sake

of your spouse's happiness?

And his happiness is

truly your happiness?

But then again,

if on my death bed

you tell me,

you stopped loving me

years ago,

and hung in there,

because of our children,

I would have said

THANKS,

but will die

hating you

for the rest

of eternity.

2325 HRS APRIL 15TH 2007

I was walking around Simei

as usual,

on a Sunday.

The air was filled

with music

from this blind street busker

singing James Taylor.

"I've seen fire,

I've seen rain.

I've seen sunny days

that I thought would never end

I've seen lonely times

when I really needed a friend

But I've always known

I'll see you again"

It suddenly occured to me

that although he is such

a talented singer,

nobody at the town centre

appreciated.

No one was even listening.

But he went on singing

anyway.

He was totally immersed

in his own blind

but musical world.

He did not sing

for our applause.

He did not sing

to crave our

appreciation.

He went right on singing

because it was his job.

In Life and in Love,

we should do the same.

We do our best

in our jobs

and in our relationships

and in love.

Even if

people do not show

appreciation

for how hard

we tried.

It should not matter.

We have our own personal

duty in life

to fulfill.

Even if my love

is not good enough

to keep her,

like the blind singer,

we go on doing

our very best,

its our personal duty

in Life

afterall

1945 HRS APRIL 15TH 2007

Memories

are like a curse.

They haunt me

like a ghost.

I was sitting at home

listening to

Gustav Mahler's Adagietto.

I suddenly remembered

listening to that music

with you

sharing a bottle

of wine.

I felt so in love

then.

And then the next piece

had to be

Jules Massenet's Meditation.

I remembered

we were in Prague,

on a cold winter evening.

Standing on Charles Bridge

looking at the river,

as the moonlight

is reflected

on the little wavelets

sending millions of

little shimmering ripples.

It was so beautiful

to me.

Like you're so beautiful

to me.

The splendour of

Prague Castle

was behind us.

The gentle shimmering river

in front of us.

Holding a cup of

hot wine,

and a cigarette.

There was this

strolling violinist

playing Jules Massenet

on the bridge.

You huddled

next to me,

I felt like

the happiest man

in the world.

Now I'm just

a useless memory

still holding you

tight

1300 HRS APRIL 15TH 2007

I know

I should be happy

for you

that you have found

someone new

in your life.

I should take

my defeat

of losing you

like a man.

But I can't tell you

how badly it hurts.

I keep wondering,

who is he,

what business he does,

how he looks,

if he is treating

you well.

You may not be mine

to care anymore,

but I keep wondering

if he treats you right.

If he loves you

as much as I do.

I can only guess

that he is everything

to you

that I was not.

No matter how hard

I tried.

I even wonder

no matter how painful

it is,

how he is

in bed with you.

I even feel like

meeting him,

just to tell him

what it takes

to make you

climax.

Or maybe he does

things for you,

that I can never do.

Maybe he is

the super rich guy

that you always wanted.

Or just taller.

I can't tell you

how this have

shattered

my confidence.

I've always been

a confident person

all my life.

I always knew

what I wanted

and how

to get it.

Having tried so hard

with you,

I don't know

anymore.

I thought I have

all the answers,

now I just don't know

anymore.

My well meaning friends,

kept telling me,

to move on,

to get up and go.

But I'm so tired

I feel I no longer

have anymore

get up and go

left in me.

I've picked myself up

so many times

in my life,

I now just wanna

lay down

like a boxer

who was just

dealt a knockout blow.

Lying down on the canvas

all beaten up

no more energy

to get up

for another fight,

just lying down

bleeding,

with blood

that has left

my heart.

I'm only bleeding.

Deep down,

I wish,

you can just

see me,

and hold me,

one last time.

And feel a bit

of my pain.

1530 HRS APRIL 13TH 2007

Farewell

old self,

you're tired

and need some rest.

Farewell

old self,

you've given your best

in difficult and

turbulent times.

You've tried to touch

the mind and heart

of the one you loved

and make a difference

in her life.

Your energy is long gone

the fire doused

the spark

in your eyes

dulled.

Rest well now

and get the peace

and quiet you need.

May you soon find

what you seek

in your new adventures

with passion

and kindess

renewed.

1710 HRS APRIL 12TH 2007

I don't know why

people always say

money talks.

The only thing

money ever

said to me was,

GOODBYE

1045 HRS APRIL 11TH 2007

Of late,

I've been toying around

with the cyclical nature

of Life.

It started with this verse

in the Bible.

"All the rivers

run into the sea,

but yet the sea

is not full"

Ecclesiastes Chapter 1 Verse 7

We can have all the sources

of happiness in our lives,

spiritual happiness,

physical happiness,

emotional happiness,

material happiness,

sexual happiness.

But our lives can never

be totally fulfilled.

We only think

it is full.

As sure as the sea

evaporates,

so will our

perception of fulfillment.

Perception maybe

our immedidate reality.

But comes the morning sun

reality persists.

We just have to learn

to live with it.

Don't cry,

when the sun goes down,

because the moon

is made of gold.

When you learn

to take life

with equanimity.

"Vanity of vanities,

all is vanity"

Ecclesiastes Chapter 1 Verse 1

We only think

we know it all.

We only think

we have the answers.

But I've long accepted,

the more I know,

the more I don't know.

"He that increases knowledge,

increases sorrow"

Ecclesiastes Chaper 1 Verse 18

And if I may add,

without being offensive,

"There is no new thing

under the sun"

Ecclesiastes Chapter 1 Verse 9

1130 HRS APRIL 9TH 2007

If I do not

suscribe to your beliefs

please don't tell me

that what I believe

is wrong

because you may not

be right.

If what I want in life

is not what you want,

my want may not be right

but your want

may be wrong too.

If I act

or fail to act,

in the way you would,

kindly let it be.

I do not ask you

to understand me,

because I know

you will understand,

the day you given up

trying to make me

a photocopy of you.

We are all different

I've long accepted that

and I even think

differences is good.

As much as you're different

from me,

I seek not to change

the difference,

but actually to preserve

and even embrace

our differences,

because nuturing

our differences

have actually made

life a whole lot

more interesting

1120 HRS APRIL 8TH 2007

Looking like a

New Age Messiah,

talking like a heretic.

Making friends feel

they're not whole

and they have no

self worth.

All because

we have not learnt

the inner secrets

of the joys

of loving oneself.

Living on organic food,

and herbal supplements,

drinking resonated water,

saying you're so happy now.

But are you ready?

to be disappointed.

Are you ready?

to be disillusioned.

Are you ready?

to be heartbrokened.

When you wake up one day

and realise

your New Age prophets

were wrong

all this while,

and your grandmother

was right.

Darling, what does it take

just what does it take,

to make you realise,

no one deserves the right

to say

you're not whole?

We are creations

of God,

and God does not

make mistakes.

Parcelled in each

and every one of us

is a perfect gift

to Humankind.

We're all whole people,

in our own special

and unique ways.

Not everybody

can feel good

by quasi laws

of attraction

casually derived

form quantum mechanics.

Maybe it works for some

but certainly not

for all.

I grew up

in the 70s,

when this notion

of self love

was born.

It started

in 1977,

when a movie

of the life

of the greatest boxer

of all time,

Muhummad Ali.

And the title track

was

"Greatest Love of All".

And the catch phase was

"Learning to love yourself,

is the greatest love

of all"

I've seen the New Age prophets

of my time,

preaching the good news

of loving yourself.

I've seen seminars

and workshops,

where people pay money

to cry their eyeballs out

to learn self-love.

Self-love is good,

when you do not allow

yourself the indignity

of doing something

morally wrong.

But I've seen this idea

of self-love mutate

into something horrible

and dangerous even.

I've seen self-love

taken to the extreme

and transmute into

narcissistic

self interests

self preservations

self centredness.

I've seen self love

destroy families

devastate careers.

I'm sorry.

I'm an old man

who suscribe

to old fashioned values

of our grandparents,

where life on earth,

involves a very

self-sacrificial aspect,

where you dedicate

your very existence

for the betterment

of others.

In a world

and a life

where the love you get

is the love you give.

1725 HRS APRIL 7TH 2007

I believe in miracles,

but not the sort

that is scientifically impossible

to prove.

When I am out at sea,

my boat anchored off

a deserted island,

I hear the little ripples

of wavelets

made from the wake

of a passing boat

gently lap against

the hull of my boat,

I smile.

I am at peace

once more.

The sea always

have this effect on me.

I am thankful

for the sea.

I had lunch

at the SBS bus drivers canteen.

I've always loved

the traditional way of

cooking pork trotters

using vinegar.

These days

they only have

the bak kut teh style

and not the traditional

vinegar recipe.

I observed,

4 bus drivers opposite me.

I've always admired

bus drivers.

My dad

was a bus driver

all his life.

They have so little

materially,

but they probably

laughed more

in that 10 minutes,

than I did,

in the last 10 days.

Little observations

like that

thrill my imagination.

It is this childlike curiosity

that we lost mostly,

the enthusiasm in life,

and the ability

to be thrilled

by little and simple things,

and be happy.

I love meeting old friends,

and catching up

with lost time.

Sometimes it saddens me

how a friend

can fall on hard times

as I could only listen

and offer a helping hand.

Sometimes it thrills me

how a friend

can do so well

as I could only listen

and be happy for them.

It is not ours to judge

a friend.

In these,

I meant,

by miracles.

The small things

in life

that makes me happy

2340 HRS APRIL 6TH 2007

Young man,

I wish 20 years ago,

someone had a talk with me,

like I'm talking

to you now.

Chase wealth,

it is good

for a young man

to chase wealth.

But do it

for the right reason,

not because of

vendetta,

because your ex

left you

for a rich guy.

In a few years,

you will realise

like most men,

that you stop

doing things

for yourself.

You want to provide,

for your woman

and your family.

There is a certain beauty

in being wholly responsible

100% responsible

your entire existence

to provide the very best

for the people

you love.

It is only right,

that you start building

your life now.

Because chasing dollars

to impress chicks,

will one day

be so meaningless.

Like everybody

is racing towards

the furthest palm,

but beyond that,

is the desert

and nothingness.

But when you do it

because of your loved ones,

the motivation comes

from within.

Like many men

before you

and after you,

you will realise

the beauty

of being

wholly responsible

for someone else

and not yourself.

But

whilse chasing dollars,

don't forget

not to lose yourself.

Always

do the right thing

that a good man

will do.

I made that mistake,

too busy chasing dollars

I forgot

to be a husband.

My ex-wife

was no more

than an accesory

in my life,

a silent partner

in my marriage,

a non-entity

in my home.

Your woman

is not a Tamagotchi toy,

She is human

and an individual,

with feelings

and thoughts,

that you fell in love

and want to dedicate

your entire existence

to her.

Yet with all that,

bear in mind,

that shit happens.

The last 4 years

of my life,

I dedicated myself

to providing for someone

who felt that a 5 figure salary

should be earned

in a day

and not a month.

Like I once said,

God dealt cards,

that you may not like,

and a game

you cannot win.

But play your best hand

anyway.

Win or lose,

just enjoy

the card game.

And feel God's pleasure

that you done your best

against His odds.

If you have to ask,

yes,

thats how I view

self-worth.

When I can look myself

in the mirror

and say

Yes, I've done

my best

to be a good man.

Not because

my self-assessment

is contingent

on what others think

of me,

but I did my best

because that

is my calling

anyway.

2140 HRS APRIL 5TH 2007

You PAP Youth fuckers

or Lee Family running dogs,

go get a fucking life

of your own.

Are you paid

just to read

blogs like mine?

You're sadder than sad

pathetic fuck.

This blog is not

like your government said

"consistently political".

If anything, its more

about my fucked up

love life.

I won't reply to you,

unless you're a hot chick

with a photo

and without clothes on.

You said,

why not compare

Indonesia, Malaysia, Thailand,

China, India, Pakistan.

Yeah, some fucking benchmark

you set for me.

I thought Minister Mentor said,

we're First World.

And you want me to benchmark

against Third World countries.

And,

just who the hell fuck,

give you the right

to ask me

to migrate

if I'm not happy?

Singapore

is my fucking country too.

I have all the right

to stay here

as long as I wish.

Nobody,

you nor your Minister Mentor

have any right

to ask me

to migrate.

This is my fucking country

and I will stay

as long as I want.

Strange as it may sound

I love this shit country.

It is the place

I was born,

It is the place

I grew up.

It is the place

my family

and friends are.

Just why the hell fuck

do I bother

to critisize

if I don't like this place?

Is it wrong

for me to want

my country

to be even better?

Is your way or your Minister Mentor's way

the only way?

Come on,

you have a brain,

think for yourself

for once.

And stop being

another mouthpiece

for your government

1015HRS APRIL 5TH 2007

Nothing fucks up my morning more

than seeing that old fuck face

Minister Mentor LKY

on the front page news.

He wants a pay hike.

Fucker is earning $2.7 million a year

and he said

"I say you don't have a sense

of proportion"

Sense of fucking proportion!!!

Just last week,

they have to debate

about public assistance

for the poor elderly

increasing their monthly allowance

from $260.

Jesus Fucking Christ

tell me more about proportions

Minister Mentor Sir.

He said,

if Singapore had a

"revolving door" government,

Your asset values will disappear

your apartments will be worth

a fraction of what they are now.

Jobs will be in peril and

your security will be at risk

Our women will become maids

in other countries.

Well, Minister Mentor Sir,

you and your cronies

are paid more

than your counterparts in

United States, Canada, Germany, United Kingdom,

France, Japan, Australia, Hong Kong,

Sweden, Denmark, Finland, Norway, Ireland,

Switzerland, Austria, Netherlands, Belgium.

Last I checked,

property values in their cities

are worth more

than Singapore,

unemployment is not a problem,

and really,

Minister Mentor you old fuck.

I have not come across a maid

from

United States, Canada, Germany, United Kingdom,

France, Japan, Australia, Hong Kong,

Sweden, Denmark, Finland, Norway, Ireland,

Switzerland, Austria, Netherlands, Belgium.

1240 HRS APRIL 3RD 2007

The Law of Attraction,

is a physical law

that governs quantum physics

and electromagetics.

I'm really doubt

if such physical laws

can be extrapolated

to the realm of

the metaphysical world

that governs the relation

between the mind

and our physical world.

Not even in medical science

do we have a

one size fits all solution,

let alone

in the largely unknown

world of social psychiatry.

Although,

the Law of Attraction,

is widely embraced

by the New Age prophets

and New Life coaches

I call them pop psychologists,

I doubt there are

any scientific justification

nor proven correlations

in metaphysics.

While refusing to dismiss

something that I admit

I do not know much about,

I will at most

attribute it

to the powers

of self motivation

or positive thinking,

which has

anecdotal evidences

of success.

But certainly not,

at least until proven,

call it the same

Law of Attraction

that governs

quantum physics

or electromagnetics.

I'd be the first

to fire my psychiatrist

if that happens.

1520 HRS APRIL 2ND 2007

Life is suffering

Love is suffering

Forgetting is suffering

But not knowing quite

what to do next

has to be the worst

suffering of them all.

I suspect

when we meet someone

we like,

we all fall in love

instantly.

But reason

and instincts

will tell us otherwise

and we hold back

until a point

either our feelings

win

or our rationale.

Whatever

2350 HRS APRIL 1ST 2007

In the New Testament,

St Paul spoke to the Corinthians,

1st Corinthians 13:1-2

"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels,

but have not love,

I have become sounding brass

or a clanging cymbal.

And though I have the gift of prophecy

and understand all mysteries and all knowledge

and though I have all the faith

so I could remove mountains,

but have not love,

I AM NOTHING"

Somehow each time

I read the Bible,

it tells me

to go to church

only when there

are no Christians

in it.

You may speak in tongues

and profess all the faith,

but do I see in you

any love at all?

I really don't think so.

All I see

is someone who prays on Sundays

and preys every other day.

I see churches,

being run like big money

corporates.

I see pastors,

promising the congregation

immense blessings,

if they give

generously to the church.

I see Christians,

praying for blessings,

like Taoists

going to temples

asking for 4-D numbers.

I see Christianity

as the religion

of modern Singapore.

Its all about

GIMME GIMME GIMME

2045 HRS APRIL 1ST 2007

I read

that a man died

in Tokyo.

My first reaction

was,

big fucking deal.

Why would anybody wanna

report something

so insipid?

So I read on.

Difference was

he died 20 years ago.

His skeleton was found

only now.

They realised that

because of a newspaper

dated 20 years ago

next to him,

and also a calendar

marked the same date.

He was found

in an abandoned building

where apparently he lived.

Investigations revealed

he was working

at the building site

and then his company

went bankrupt

and thus,

he was jobless.

Prior to that,

his wife divorced him

and left him homeless,

hence he moved

to the abandoned

building site

where he used to work.

He was in his 50s

at the time

of his death.

Just how

could anybody

be dead

for 20 years

without anyone

knowing?

Surely he spent

almost half his life

as a married man.

Wouldn't his ex-wife

be wondering

what happened

to him?

The man she used

to share her life with?

Do they have children

whom are grown up

by now?

Don't they even care?

How about friends

and relatives?

According to the report,

he was heavily in debt

and they thought

he disappeared.

Won't true friends

wanna know

about his well being

even forgiving

defaulted debt,

for the sake

of friendship?

He cannot be

that bad a guy.

I've never met

a 100% pure bastard

in this world,

neither have I met

a 100% pure angel

either.

We all have our strengths

and weaknessess.

Just why was he

so forgotten

and forsakened?

They suspected

he died

of a heart attack.

For a divorced man,

homeless,

unemployed

and heavily in debt,

running away from friends,

my guess is

he died

of a broken heart

1400 HRS MARCH 30TH 2007

I'm sick tired

of writing

love and anti love shit.

Its like comparing

hot shit

and cold shit.

Let's do numbers crunching

for a change.

There are about

1 million residential units

in Singapore.

About 20% of them

are private property.

Which means about 200,000

private houses.

75% of them

are condos,

so we have

about 150,000

condos

in Singapore.

They tell me,

that condo vancancy rate

is 6.6%.

So that means

9900 condos

are vacant.

The government projected

that 450,000 new jobs

will be created

in the next 5 years.

Which makes it

90,000 new jobs

a year.

And a 50% increase

in population

by 2015,

a population of

6.5 million.

There is no way

any country's population

can increase by 50%

in 8 years

by organic growth.

It will be

foreigners

moving in,

taking up the majority

of the new jobs created.

With condo vacancy

of 9900 units,

as opposed

to 90,000 new jobs

created,

I don't care how many

jobs go to

HDB dwellers,

you will have

a housing deficit

for foreigners.

It is already happening.

Rentals

are going to

go right through

the roof.

True new supply,

will quickly come in.

Judging by the number

of en bloc sales

recently.

But the true value

will be

in suburban areas

which is currently

going for $450-$600 psf

as opposed to

$3000 psf in Marina Bay

$4000 psf in Orchard Road.

Two weeks ago,

SMRT outlined

its new MRT grid

to be ready

by 2015.

This island

will be criss crossed

with subways.

Any condo project

that is accessible

to MRT

to the town area,

will have a huge

rental demand.

All this is of course,

taking the assumption,

that we don't piss off

our neighbours so much

that they'd nuke us

before the year

is over.

1207 HRS MARCH 29TH 2007

Why do you torture me

by telling me

everything that is going on

in your life.

You acted like as though

I have no right

to live my life.

I really don't want

to know

and I really don't care

anymore.

The love I had

for you,

had been washed

from my veins

into the drain.

Leave me alone now

I do not appreciate

your show

of friendship.

We no longer share

a life together,

I don't want to know

what is going on

with yours now.

Don't you even realise

that it hurts

by letting me look in

to your life

as an outsider?

Leave me alone now

and let me disappear

from the agony

and pain

you caused me.

Let me move on now

I don't want

to be reminded

of our past.

Because each time

I think back,

your ill treatment

will land on me again

like a ton of bricks

forcing me

to quit

1230 HRS MARCH 28TH 2007

In matters of the heart,

in the lifelong battle

to win love,

I feel like a boxer

that lasted 3 rounds

with 3 different fighters

and I lost all.

My heart is dead tired

like a boxer

lying motionless

on the canvas

bruised

bleeding

lifeless

the last punch

have taken

the last bit

of energy

out of him.

I remind myself

no one is ever alone

in times of

tribulations.

There's always someone

out there

suffering

in the same way.

They can pick themselves up

and be on their two feet

and face another fight

so can I.

Honestly, I wonder

what is the big fucking deal

being alone.

Its better to feel lonely

when alone,

than to feel lonely

in a relationship

anyway

1500 HRS MARCH 27TH 2007

Its been so long

I forgot I knew this song,

I sang it to my ex-wife

back in 1989.

"I want to live,

I want to give,

I've been a miner for

a heart of gold.

Its these expressions

I never give

That keeps me searching

for a heart of gold

and I'm getting old

Keeps me searching

for a heart of gold

and I'm getting old"

I thought I found

my heart of gold.

Only to realise

all that glitters

may not be gold.

And all that is gold

may not glitter anyway.

2240 HRS MARCH 26TH 2007

My dear friend Ms Y

is going to Europe

for summer holidays.

I've travelled around the world,

there are not many cities left

that I have not been.

It always amuses me

when people wanna

go travelling,

"to see the world"

"to experience life".

Other than different places,

life is generally the same.

If you wanna experience life,

go to Batam,

and hang out with

child beggars

and pregnant teenage

prostitutes.

When I travel,

I like to experience

a bit of local life.

I have no cares

for sightseeing.

I don't want

to go to another boring church

or castle

or ancient ruins.

If you have to visit

a tourist site,

by all means,

but do take a bit of time

to wander off

the little lanes

and explore quaint little shops.

Don't bother about another

shopping mall

with the same old

Body Shop, KFC, MacDonalds etc.

I want to experience culture

and have no interest

in seeing another church

with 200 tourists

snapping photos.

It does not interest me

to see a 1000 year

temple ruins.

Life is for the living,

not the dead.

I want to see living culture,

not a culture that died

thousands of years ago.

I like to hang out

in local places,

not discos.

But in places

where locals hang out

like bars.

Quiet places

where people are always

happy to talk

to me.

I'm always struck

by the universal problems

of the human condition.

True there will be some

experiences

that I find extraordinary

and I learn

from their extraordinary ways

of dealing with extraordinary situations.

But I learn more

in a squatter's home

in Batam,

a small concrete structure

whose floor area is about the

size of my kitchen.

In that floor area,

they eat there

they shit there

they sleep there

they fuck there.

The opulent splendour

of the Palace of Versailles

of the French Aristocracy

disgust me

more than impress me.

I prefer to talk

to locals

about economic

and political situations,

and more importantly,

how they cope.

And sample

local food

and local beers.

If you try hard enough,

people will always understand you

no matter where you go.

And please,

don't compare prices.

When you travel,

be prepared to pay.

I hate to waste time

haggling.

I have an idea

how much I want to pay

for something,

and if the price suits,

its mine.

Let them keep the rest.

I am afterall

a guest

in their country,

I should pay

for the priviledge

of being there

1410 HRS MARCH 25TH 2007

I used to think

of love

as some form

of voluntary

incarceration,

a self imprisonment,

a deliberate

self enslavement.

Maybe I am wrong,

because

Freedom exists

in Love

by itself.

When you love someone

wholeheartedly

you feel the freest.

The true experience

of freedom,

is having to love

the most important person

in your life,

without feeling the need

to possess her.

We feel hurt,

when we lose

the one we love.

But that cannot

be love.

Loves does not

seek out to hurt

or harm.

Love liberates,

when you can be

at your happiest,

when you see your

loved one

at her happiest,

even in the arms

of another man.

I hope this time passes

quickly,

so I can resume my

search

for myself,

in the form

of a woman

who truly

understands

2125 hrs March 24th 2007

I woke up this morning

determined to stop

missing you.

Did the things,

I usually do

when I'm alone

and single

on weekends.

Brought the boat out

to the open sea,

and a Dalai Lama book

in hand.

I was so bitter

and angry.

In all my past failed relationships

I always felt,

I could have done better.

With you,

I tried,

I really tried

to make you happy.

I wonder

if you knew

how hard I tried.

I wonder

if you knew

how much this relationship

have cost me.

You saw

how fast I aged

in the last 2-3 years

right before your eyes.

The constant pressure

and stress

resulting from

the persistant uncertainty.

I felt I had so much

love to give,

but you refused my love.

Well, you're not

the first woman

to walk out

of my life,

and at the rate I'm going,

you're probably not

the last either.

I'd just take it

that you're just another somebody

that I used to love.

No I don't really

want to be friends either,

I have enough friends.

What I want now,

is to achieve

a zen like

calm and peaceful state

of mind.

I want to develop

a caring and giving

compassion

in me.

For now,

any contact with you

will distrupt

the state of mind

I am hoping

to achieve.

Please go,

I wish you happiness

and thank you

for being another person

who was once

in my life

1110 hrs March 23rd 2007

God,

I'm worse

than a fucking woman.

I probably grew

a pair of ovaries

in the last few days.

Just who the hell fuck

was I trying to bullshit?

It hurts like hell

every now and then.

Love can either bring you

to heaven

or hell

or both.

But at least

you go somewhere.

I needed you

so badly

in my life.

My heart yearns

to go to bed

with you

each night.

So comfortable

snuggling up

to sleep

and hear

your soft gentle

breath

as you tenderly

waft into

unconsciousness.

I still feel

your heartbeat

as I held you

in my arms

and feel

the divine softness

of your breast

in my hand.

When the day breaks,

it comforts my soul

when the first thing I see

is you by my side.

As I gentle plant

a kiss

on your lips,

unfailingly

you will wake up

with a bright smile

as I say goodbye

and go to work.

I miss

rushing home

after work

so I can have dinner

with you,

open a bottle of wine

and chat into

the wee hours

of the morning.

You're a quiet girl,

but somehow

you tell me

every little thing

every little event

of your day.

I enjoyed

engaging your mind

in conversation,

connecting your soul.

Sometimes I wonder

if God actually cares

about Love.

Christians tell me

God loves the world.

I have all the reasons

to believe,

He fucking hates us

to death.

Love is a flip

of the coin.

Its such a gamble.

Heads you win,

Tails I lose.

If God is Love,

He would have cared

about the way I feel.

Clearly

He doesn't

give a shit

0910 hrs March 22nd 2007

When love breaks down,

we lament

at the loss of love

and think of love

as transcient and fleeting

saying love is worthless

and a waste of time.

But when we decided

to stop feeling sorry

for ourselves,

with a calm

and peaceful state of mind,

we can transform

all those anger

and bitterness

into an even

higher form

of love.

Where we can love

our ex,

without feeling the need

to possess her.

Where we can love

our ex,

without needing or even wanting

reciprocity

or anything in return.

Where we can reach a stage

and say,

Darling,

I will always love you

and you will forever

occupy a space

in my heart

because

you were once mine

1625 hrs March 21st 2007

I'm a sailor.

I know

my boat is safest

when it is nicely docked

away in the marina.

But that is not

the purpose

of a boat.

A boat should be used

to travel the seas.

Through stormy weather

through choppy waves

past treacherous rocks

to visit the islands

to have the sun

in your face

salty sea breeze

in your hair.

Likewise in life,

we have to step out

of our comfort zone.

It takes risks,

possible disappointments

and failures.

But no one

can take a new life path

without abandoning the old one.

I know singlehood

very well.

I know my way around

and I know my way out too

1220 hrs March 21st 2007

I think true love

is an act

of total abandoment

of one's self

like a complete surrender

to the other

where there is

no more fear

of loss

because you have

everything

love is

everything.

People tell me

love is about

give and take.

I reject that.

Giving and taking

is no more

than a commercial transaction

for mutual exploitation.

Some people

take and give,

ie take first

and then give.

Some bastards and bitches

take and take.

I think of love

as

GIVE and GIVE.

There are people

in this world

that find joy

in giving

than taking.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama,

said in his book

"The Art of Happiness"

that when you reach out

to another person

with compassion

and loving kindness

you connect to him or her

with a spirit of friendship,

happiness is

internally generated

within.

And if I may add

to His Holiness

profound insights,

true it is a blessing

that someone

or even somethings

can give us happiness.

But it is a personal conquest

if we can find happiness

from within.

Because if you're gonna need

somebody or something

to make you happy,

you're not gonna be

very happy

anyway.

1630 hrs March 20th 2007

I have empirical

and statistical evidence,

that women basically

love bastards.

They only say,

they want a nice

and caring man.

But the only thing

tht will make

a woman's heart thump

is a bastard

that is self serving

egoistical

braggy

arrogant

cheating

sometimes even violent.

I don't know many languages,

but in English,

they say

Nice Guys Finish Last.

They even have songs

about bad boys.

In Mandarin,

Nan Ren Bu Huai,

Nu Ren Bu Ai.

Bastards put themselves first

before anything.

They don't let women walk

all over them.

They themselves

are above all priorities.

Nice guys set themselves out

to please their women.

As a result,

they become a doormat

and women trample

all over them.

They put their women

on a pedestal

and revolve their lives

around their women.

You see,

nice guys become

predictable and boring.

To women,

bastards

are a challenge.

We may have evolved,

as human beings

but our wild nature

remains.

Women are attracted

to the strong dominant male

who doesn't care

about the creatures around him,

he devours them

if he has to

in order to survive.

Women think these types

will survive in the world

of business

and corporate culture.

But yet when bastards

dump their women

after getting bored,

women will cry their eyes out

whilst their best friends,

the nice guys

will be the ones

standing by them

but never ever getting

the hope ever

of getting laid.

If a woman ever

thinks of a man

as "a friend"

there goes your chances

of ever

jumping into her pants.

Notice how bastards

are always always

braggards?

I always believe

all that show

of confidence

is actually to hide

an inferiority complex

and low self-esteem.

If you constantly need

to prove yourself,

to run others down,

to take advantage,

clearly you cannot

be so confident

of yourself

anyway.

In this life,

I aspire

to be respected

as a man

with a conscience

and believes

in doing the right thing

constantly

and strictly adheres to

his set of principles

of causing nobody

harm or hurt,

least of all,

his woman.

I want to be matured, mellow,

quietly self assured

and taciturnly confident.

Let quality demonstrate itself

without having to say

too much.

If all that

is not good enough

for my woman,

I rather be single for life,

or turn gay

1950 hrs March 19th 2007

I think when women cry

they don't cry for others

they cry for themselves.

Why spent the last 2 days crying

over this little break up?

When in our 4 years together,

you spent the first year

looking at other alternatives,

spent the second year

making me feel not good enough

spent the last 2 years

trying to move out.

Well, you finally got what you wanted,

and the last remnants

of our life together

were shipped out

over the weekend.

Why the sadness

why the tears?

Shouldn't you be celebrating?

Like our last night together,

I insisted we pop

the Dom Perignon?

I was saving that bottle

for our wedding actually.

It was I,

who spent the better part

of the last 4 years,

doing everything I humanly can

to win your heart.

Women came and went

out of my life,

I have always felt

I could have done better.

With you,

I honestly don't know

what else could I have done

to save this relationship.

I really don't.

I tried so hard,

God knows how hard

to win you over

and make you wholly mine.

Maybe I could have tried harder,

maybe I should not even have tried.

It was a battle

I simply could not win.

I felt like a Nissan March,

trying to race a Porsche.

Going into this relationship,

felt like I went into a gun fight,

armed with a water pistol.

The level of appreciation

is simply non-existent.

As I am made to feel inferior

in your family's social standing,

And made to feel like

a lower form of life

in my physical stature.

I honestly

cannot take it

anymore,

but admit defeat.

I did all I could,

but lost,

because I simply

wasn't good enough.

And defeat I accept

like a man.

Love is supposed

to feel good

and wonderful.

I've felt like a dying patient

in ICU.

1410 hrs March 19th 2007

I wrote this 5 years ago

Different time

different woman

same poem,

this is just beautiful.

The Last tear drops

The last tear drops

Sliding down my cheek

They're hidden from you

Or you'd think I'm weak

You thought you seen love

Out of your selfish eyes

But my visions are clearing

On to clearer skies

Darling I know it upsets you

That I've stopped waiting around

But honey listen silently

And you'd hear the sound

The sound of my footsteps walking

As I walk out the door

Its for the wrong reasons you return

Coz you just don't love me anymore

This time I'm really moving on

The next time you turn,

You'd realise......I'm gone

1225 hrs March 18th 2007

I woke up this morning,

not knowing why.

Wishing I never had to

wake up ever again.

I sat alone

in my living room,

and imagined you

lying on the couch

as you told me

our story is finally over.

I thought I saw sorrow

in your eyes.

I struggled to speak

but can only cry.

I am alone again,

fighting to fill

the desolation

that was once

our life together.

I guess I am past

anger and bitterness.

All that is left

is just emptiness.

Abandonment

follows me

like a dark shadow.

Depleted

I stare

at the hollowness

of my existence.

I kicked the empty

beer can at my feet.

That was how

you left me.

Like an empty beer can

noisily rolling across

its hollowness.

Baby, if only

you could hold me

one last time

and feel a little bit

of my hurt

1045 hrs March 16th 2007

In the darkness of the soul,

its always 3am.

But the darkest time of the night

is just before

the night breaks into day.

Bring on the morning sun,

I want to step out

of this river of tears.

Bring on the morning sun,

I want to cast out

all these fears.

Too many angels

have seen me cry.

Too many angels

have caught me

as I fell.

Too many angels

helped me

as I picked up

pieces of a broken life.

I want this darkness

dispelled from my life.

I want those voices

to shut up.

I want those apparitions

to disappear.

Forever.

1530 hrs March 15th 2007

Just when I thought

I'd get over you,

Just when I thought

I can make it through

the night

without getting drunk

and missing you.

You walk right back

through my door

like you never left

at all.

Like as though

nothing ever happened

at all.

Just what does it take

to make you wholly mine?

1100 hrs March 14th 2007

OK

Fuck you all,

I'm in charge now.

I may not control

the actions

of others around me,

particularly the women

in my life.

But I sure as hell

can control

my reaction.

It has to be the ultimate freedom,

to be unaffected by anything

or anyone around you,

not even someone

you truly love.

Fuck you all,

I'm in control now.

From today,

I redefine my priorities.

Number One,

I'm all about money.

Money, money, money.

It is the only language

I will speak

and the only language

I will understand.

Number Two,

its about time

to take care of spirituality.

Have I talked to God lately?

Am I a blessing to others around me?

Fuck no,

I depress others

with my perpeptual cynicism.

Number Three,

Intellectual.

There are hundreds of great books I bought

in my study,

waiting to be read.

Number Four,

Physical.

Damn, my lungs are like an ashtray

and my liver a beer brewery.

About time to fix all that.

Number Five,

Love.

Family love (greek word Storge)

I've been a good son I suspect.

Platonic Love (greek word Philia)

Fair enough, but I do have enough friends.

Romantic Love (greek word Eros).

Forget it!!!

I'm bad news to any good women!!!

1650 hrs March 13th 2007

Its closing time

our music is fading out

I think I'll have another drink

maybe this time a stout.

It may have been 4 years

but its like day one,

you were lonesome just like me

and just wanted some company.

But its closing time

and our music is fading out.

You lighted another cigarette

the fire cast an orange glow

on that pretty face.

I should not have fallen

in love with you girl,

we were just

not meant to be.

We never had a life together

I don't even know why we tried.

So its closing time baby

and we've danced

our last dance.

I hope you enjoyed yourself

and find your way home safely,

I think I'll sit here a while more

and have another stout.

1210 hrs March 12th 2007

Oh Venus

Goddess of Love.

You exist

but in my mind

and my soul.

A figment

of the imagination,

a vision

of the heart's desires.

A fantasy

recreated,

An imagery

conjured.

If I were to say

I truly loved you

and want you

to be mine,

what's is it to you?

The empty silence

of the walls in our bedroom

cry out

its wailing despair

in another night

of solitude.

All evidences have shown

I am still alone,

You've crept away

from my life

without saying

goodbye.

And we still choose

not to talk

about it.

Choosing to let us

die a slow and prolonged

death.

Once

I saw love

in your smile,

Now

I see mockery.

As you laugh

at my valiant attempts

to attain

the unattainable.

I'm fighting things

I cannot see,

maybe its my destiny

I am changing.

When I think back

of that night,

when you planted

your first kiss,

so gentle

so adoring.

I knew all along

it was never meant to be

it was too good

to be true.

So again,

I'm fighting things

I cannot see,

maybe its my destiny

I am changing.

1040 hrs March 12th 2007

Some interesting trivial.

A human female

produces about 360 eggs

in her entire life time.

A human male

produces about 100 million sperm cells

in a single day.

No wonder they said

Men from Mars, Women from Venus.

We both fucking aliens from

different fucking planets!!!

The way our anatomy

were constructed,

suggests that men

are biologically hardwired

to have sexual urges

with as many females

limited only by the supply

the world can provide.

Being with a single female partner

is simply unnatural.

Her ovulation cycles

simply cannot cope

with that of a man's!!!

A human male's daily sperm production

simply does not match

a human female's ovulation cycles,

let alone pregnancy gestation.

Thus in biological terms,

I conclude that men

are made to be

polygamous.

The reverse

is contrasting

and yet true

for women.

Human females

who produce such a limited number

of eggs in her lifetime,

will want to be very selective

with who she chooses

to fertilise her eggs.

You can see that clearly,

as a woman matures,

she becomes alot more

selective and guarded

with her choice

of partners.

But having said that,

the biological instinct,

is still to find

the best possible partner.

Which suggests,

that the search does not end,

after she found one partner.

Since her eggs are limited,

she will find herself biologically

moved to pursue

the next better choice

that comes along.

So I conclude,

neither men nor women

are biologically hardwired

to be polygamous.

But we live in a social world,

and our social evolution dictates

that monogamy is imperative,

mostly for providing

the conducive family unit,

for raising offspring

in this modern world.

But that does not change the fact,

that our anatomy

is designed for natural polygamy.

Society blocks

that natural course of events.

Just like a dam

blocks the natural course

of a river flow.

So a marriage

blocks the natural course

of our polygamous instincts.

In order to block the natural course

of a river,

the dam have to be strong.

Conversely,

in order to block the natural course

of our polygamous instincts,

the marriage/relationship

have to be strong.

Remind me please,

to stop gathering silly information,

and extrapolating useless logic.

I should just

hangout at Geylang

more often

1825 hrs March 11th 2007

I think prostitutes

are the most honest

women in the world.

You lay your money

and play your part.

A prostitute gives no illusions

nor declaration of love.

A prostitute gives you sex

for money

A ktv girl gives you intimacy

for money

A social escort gives you companionship

for money

A mistress gives you desirability

until the bigger better deal

comes along.

A wife gives you love

until the bigger better deal

comes along.

Cut the politically correct bullshit,

Cut the romantic until death do us part bullshit.

This is the reality.

In the time of the Neanderthals,

cavewomen chose their mates

on the basis of their strength

thus meat hunting ability

we call it the 5Cs these days.

On a particularly tragic day,

the neanderthal goes hunting

and got into a horrific accident

and can no longer hunt

to provide meat

for his family.

Is Mrs Cavewoman gonna hang around

for much longer?

I used to think of men

who frequent prostitutes, ktv girls, social escorts

as losers.

I used to think

I'm above all that.

I used to think

with some wit

with some charm

with some intelligence

with some money

I can get the woman I want

without going to Geylang.

Now I'm not so sure anymore.

Maybe I've been wrong

all this while.

1200 hrs March 11th 2007

Oh,

So you made an error in judgement

big fucking deal.

Learn from mistakes

and move on.

No point being so sentimental

about someone

who ain't sentimental

about you.

Totally counter productive.

Just take this episode,

as just another chapter

in your life.

For fucks sake,

don't make it seem

like its your whole fucking book

0935 hrs March 8th 2007

This is not Mack original

but I love it anyway.

Good Judgement comes from Experience

Experience comes from Bad Judgement.

Well,

Once bitten Twice Shy.

And if I may add,

Twice Bitten Never Try.

Thrice Bitten Go and Die.

Its one thing

to learn lessons from experience.

Anybody with a half decent IQ

learns from experience.

Even my cat

learns from experience.

But its another thing,

to apply lessons learnt.

Some of us,

may have learnt all the lessons

but never given a chance

to apply what we learnt.

1425 hrs March 5th 2007

You know,

its really rare

that I quote

from the Bible.

But St Paul taught

the Galatians,

"What you reap, you will sow".

Think of it this way,

if you plant bean sprouts

in your garden,

do you expect

to grow durians?

No fucking chance

Einstein.

So when you cheated

your boyfriend,

abandoned him,

left him crying

in your infidelity

and desertion,

what the hell fuck

made you think

you found true love

and unforsaken dedication

in your lover,

your partner in crime?

It always come back

in a far more destructive

and hurtful way.

Now your lover have dumped you?

I hate to say this dear,

but you deserved every fucking minute

of pain and agony.

And now you think,

your boyfriend is the most wonderful

person on earth?

Just what the hell fuck,

were you thinking of before?

For God's sake,

don't even think,

of going back to your boyfriend.

Trust me, I've been down that road before.

He will find out, one day.

Not if,

but only when.

So,

for the sake of everybody,

forget it and move on.

Coz if you go back

to your boyfriend,

your conscience

will haunt you forever,

(on the weak assumption, you have conscience),

that you betrayed him

and relinquished him

for your lover

and went back to him

only because

you've been fully used

abused,

misused,

by your lover.

Like a sanitary pad,

used and throw away.

Remember,

when you grow beansprouts,

don't expect durians