0130 hrs September 27th 2004

Just got back from Bangkok,

always felt a strange sense of homecoming,

whenever I go there.

Something sure is brewing,

in the equity derivatives market,

and I hope to be placed

to capture it,

when it comes.

Maybe, finally an expat posting

in Bangkok,

is on the cards.

It is always nice,

to have options in Life.

Mine has been

a rollercoaster ride.

It is my choice,

whether I want too view myself

as a victim in Life,

or

a thrillseeker

on a rollercoaster ride,

enjoying BOTH

the highs

and

the lows.

In retrospect,

NOTHING

and

NOBODY

ever belonged to me.

Nothing is permanent,

said Buddha,

especially Love,

if I may add.

So when Love comes knocking,

I will savour each moment,

like I will die tomorrow,

because it's sure as hell,

ain't permanent,

because Love,

sure makes Life's lows

all seem

worthwhile.

2200 hrs September 21st 2004

So its coming to the end

of ex-wife's birthday.

I've celebrated it,

with booze and smokes,

plus some pointless reminicsing.

Perhaps we'd talk a little bit

about love tonight.

Loving a woman,

got to be an act

of Total Surrender.

Of Complete

Unconditional and

Irrevocable Acceptance.

Like the Billy Joel song,

I'd take the good times,

I'd take the bad times,

I'd take you

Just the way you are.

We miss the point,

when we shed tears,

and say,

I'm suffering

for a love that is not

worth it.

Worth what?

We suffer because

we feel,

that we give

more than we receive.

We suffer because

we think,

that our love is going

unappreciated.

We suffer because

we are unable,

to determine

the eventual outcome

of our love.

We suffer because,

we realise

that our love is

not enough.

But therein lies

the seed

of spiritual growth.

Because love is not

about give and take.

Giving and taking

is a commercial transaction

of mutual exploitation.

Love is

Give and Give.

When you find joy

in giving,

and not expecting anything

in return.

It is madness,

but an insanity

I truly enjoy.

Because when I love,

I've conquered myself,

I've conquered my selfishness,

I've conquered my selfcentric demands,

I've conquered my innermost fears.

When I've conquered,

I shall fear no loss.

Because really,

there is no more

downside.

1345 hrs September 21st 2004

Don't you think

its strange,

that water,

which is

colourless,

tasteless,

odourless,

totally unspectacular

and ordinary,

and yet,

it is so important,

to our survival?

There must be a moral

somewhere,

but can't think of it.

It is my ex-wife's 35th birthday.

I actually remembered her 21st

quite vividly.

Rented a boat,

bought food and drinks,

invited her closest friends,

and threw her a surprise.

She was stunned

into tears.

The party cost me $500,

was like alot of money then.

I wonder how is she,

if she is alright,

who is she with,

if he is treating her right.

Guess she is not mine

to care

anymore.

But can't help thinking

about her,

all day.

But memories are meant

for the dead.

Peace resides

in the cemetry.

I shan't live in

could have beens

might have beens

should have beens

would have beens.

But for today,

I'd just wish her the best,

in my heart,

afterall,

she was once

mine.

2120 hrs September 18th 2004

I don't understand why

the general perception is

that God

loves the world.

If anything,

all evidences point to

that God

really hates the world.

I don't understand why

we begin our prayers with

God,

I have sinned against you.

It really should be

God,

you have sinned against me.

In the Bible's Book of Job,

God had a wager

with the Devil.

Job who loved God the most,

had his business destroyed,

his family killed,

his body afflicted with disease.

After Job complained bitterly,

did God restored him,

a new business,

a new family,

a healthy body.

Christians called that

an Act of Grace

by God.

For the sake of a bloody bet

with the Devil,

God killed Job's family.

Murderous motherfucker.

1800 hrs September 18th 2004

15 days

I will turn 40

I don't know how I will feel

on that day,

but I do know

right now,

that I am crippled

with fear.

Once upon a time,

when I wore

a younger man's clothes,

I was positive,

dynamic,

forward looking.

I thought I could

control my life,

chart my course,

influence my emotions.

Now,

almost 40 years later,

having been in prison,

admitted in a psychiatric ward,

survived a life threatening disease,

climbed the corporate ladder,

became a millionaire,

and lost it.

Been through the

emotional and financial devastation

of a divorce.

Experienced true love,

3 times,

and seen how romantic love,

mutate into a little more than

platonic love.

Used to think,

I'd turn 40,

with all guns blazing,

saying Holy Shit! What a ride,

this Life have been!

Now, I'm not so sure

anymore.

I'm turning 40,

by threading carefully,

a little uncertain,

a little unconfident,

but mostly scared.

1600 hrs September 15th, 2004

Saw Shawshank Redemption on VCD

with Ms X.

Had to prove to her,

that contrary to her beliefs,

I actually enjoy movies,

but only good movies.

Suddenly reminded me of

Anwar Ibrahim.

Released from prison,

a really sick man.

I like his pro-democracy leanings

but have to say,

he almost destroyed Malaysia.

Mahathir saved Malaysia

by declaring Anwar a homo

and put him in prison.

It should be an international law,

that any finance minister caught

suscribing to the International Monetary Fund,

should indeed be declared a homo,

and put in prison.

The Asian crisis

was a result of

disruptive capital outflow.

No economy,

especially emerging market economies,

should ever be reliant,

on speculative capital flows.

It is like,

pumping a person

with steriods,

and then a sudden

cold turkey.

I am a financial markets trader,

I know how money moves,

from asset to asset,

from market to market.

It moves as a herd,

as has the intelligence

of its lowest common denominator.

And IMF's austerity measures,

makes things worse.

Devaluing the currency,

jacking up interest rates,

removal of energy subsidies,

tightening credit,

standard IMF remedies.

Its like throwing a book

on learning to swim,

to a drowning man.

Results are usually ugly.

Recall of massive bank loans,

leads to loan defaults,

bank runs,

drying up of liquidity.

And the dominoes continue

to fall.

Stock market crashes,

currency collapses,

real estate plunges.

And in the case of Indonesia,

social revolt.

Now that Anwar has been released,

the hope is he has,

been successfully rehabilitated,

from IMF doctrines

1340 hrs September 9th, 2004

"Those who content themselves

with limited provender,

submitting themselves

before Allah's will,

shall find even

a few good deeds

of theirs

sufficient for divine approval."

So said Prophet Muhammad.

OK, it is a known fact,

that Muslims are the poorest

ethnonationality

per capita,

in the world.

Hence, the limited provender part.

BUT

Chechen muslims

killing Russian schoolkids,

Iman Samudra writing his autobiography,

justifying the Bali bombing,

unrepentant about killing Americans

and Australians,

and just this morning,

6 people killed

in a massive car bomb

outside the Australian Embassy

in Jakarta,

timing the killings,

with the coincidental printing

of his book.

Bet the dead are fellow

Indonesian Muslims too.

Not to mention 9-11,

or Jakarta Marriot Hotel,

or beheadings at Iraq.

Just what does that,

have to do with

good deeds and

Allah's divine approval?

Religion

got to be the greatest

brainwash

of them all

1230 hrs September 9th 2004

I'm beginning to conclude,

the ultimate purpose in Life,

is to experience orgasms.

Everything else in Life,

seems subordinate.

When you can't compete

for Singaporean girls,

you go down market,

in China, Vietnam or Batam.

Although I would also argue,

going for foreign girls is often

going up market rather than down.

Because I had better conversations

with my Korean ex, Japanese ex, Thai ex, Mainland ex,

and of course Ms X representing Indo current,

than ever with my Singaporean ex.

Better conversations invariably lead

to better sex.

At the danger of being nihilist,

of ignoring the emotional dependency

of love,

of relegating the sweet intimacy

of companionship,

it all leads back

to experiencing orgasms.

Because the ultimate pleasure,

in Life,

is the orgasm.

Now before I am accused,

of thinking

with my dickhead,

let me define

that orgasms are largely

divided into its physiological

and perhaps more importantly,

psychological components.

Physiological is easy enough,

orgasm as a result of

overworking

the penis.

Psychological is

the unknown quality.

But then again,

psychology is merely

a biochemical expression

of emotion.

Surely, that can be

replicated

synthetically.

So if I can take a happy pill,

plus a hard on pill,

just why the hell,

do I need a wife?

1300 hrs September 8th 2004

Been 3 weeks

since I could last collect

my thoughts.

Alot have happened,

in my life.

Started up a new company,

PT RODA MAKMUR,

with Mr D,

a discount store

in Batam,

hoping to be

a Wal-Mart

one day.

Find out what people need,

and sell it to them.

It's frightening,

coming to an end

of one career,

and beginning

a brand new one.

At my age,

I could not afford

to fail.

There can be

no recovery.

Time is no longer

on my side.

It's like jumping,

from one rooftop,

to another.

It's a long way down,

if I slip.

And there maybe

no way back up.

With the benefit of

some corporate experience,

management skills,

business acumen,

financial capital,

a whole lot of luck,

guess I might stand

some pretty good chances

of success.

1230 hrs August 18th 2004

Mr Lee Kuan Yew

Minister Mentor

quoted in the Shit Times

with reference to Tian An Men

"If I have to shoot 200,000 students

to save China

from another 100 years of disorder,

so be it"

I hate to think

of what he is

mentoring

our Prime Minister.

As far as I remembered in 1989,

the students were demonstrating,

as a result of China's austerity measures,

to cool a overheating economy.

It was the result of

economic mismanagement,

that further resulted

in currency devaluation

of the Renminbi

in 1994.

The killing of students

in Tian An Men,

was not to restore order

in China,

but the Communist Party's

brutal attempt

to retain power

in the hands of the

incompetent and corrupted,

at the expense

of thousands of students'

lives.

If that is the way our

government views

Tian An Men,

it only tells you

how much they value

human lives

for the sake of

keeping power

in PAP.

1800 hrs August 16th 2004

A friend of mine Ms E commented,

"You deserve better than this"

with regards to my relationship

with Ms X.

I find it strange that every well meaning friend

always say that.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.

Deserve better than WHAT???

Just what if

this is as good

as it can ever get???

I think therein lies the problem with relationships,

when we think we deserve better,

we expect more.

And expectations is always

the start of disappointments.

So it follows,

if I have ZERO expectations,

I would have NO disappointments.

Thus,

I tell myself

You are one dumb ugly fuck

this is as good as it can get

You do NOT deserve any better

just appreciate what you have

and learn to deal with it.

Have no expectations

and everything is a blessing.

Expectations of deserving better,

will only lead to taking things for granted,

and disappointments.

Capice? Stupid and Ugly motherfucker?

2140 hrs August 15th 2004

I'm down with

cursed flu.

I really should not have allowed

Mr J to show up at work,

when he was down.

I should have put my foot down

and chased him home.

Damned, it ruined my weekend

with Ms X.

But at least,

I could see how Ms X,

tenderly cared for me,

feeding me with medicine,

and oatmeal cereal,

as I slumped into

a 19 hour sleep.

Mrs O sent me an SMS

said she was at a loss of words

reading my life experiences

on this blog.

Yeah, its true,

that my life is indeed

somewhat colourful.

I've been dealt with cards,

I didn't like.

But deal away Mister God,

for I am determined to play

Your cards,

best to my ability.

Even if I lose,

I have resolved,

to enjoy

this Game of Life,

nonetheless.

So show me Your Hand,

Mister God,

for I will play

Your Cards,

in ways

that You,

as my Creator

will be proud.

Speaking of which,

if my life

is a deck of cards,

then I think,

of my love life,

as just a book,

my book.

With each failed romance,

it is no more than

another chapter,

even if the book

has a bad ending,

I will enjoy

the reading part,

no more no less.

Just another chapter.

Some are more enjoyable

and meaningful

than the others.

Some, I can't wait

for the chapter to end,

sometimes more so.

Because,

with some humility,

EVERYONE I meet

in Life,

is my TEACHER.

1500 hrs August 13th 2004

When you strip society bare

of all its anthropological pretense,

of love and commitment,

of responsibility and fidelity,

until death do us fart,

we live in a zoological hierarchy.

Rich guys get the most beautiful girls,

the most beautiful girls get the richest guys.

In zoology,

we seek the best genetic material

to perpetuate our species.

If that is true,

then it follows that,

I should be able to appraise

the value of my sperm cells,

like I quantify the fair value

of a corporation.

However,

the positions of men and women

are not uniform across the world.

In Western societies,

material considerations

play a significantly lesser role,

than in Asia.

Which explains why,

is a white guy coming to Asia,

single and unattached,

for all he's worth probably

could not land a date

in his country

because he could

hardly compete

is yet

ranked so highly

in Asia.

But here in affluent Singapore?

Where white guys seem to wait

over 30 years

remaining single

and unattached,

so to be inunated

with local SPGs.

Either we're an island of prostitutes

like Batam,

where anything foreign is better

or

we're really a Third World society

afterall,

like Batam.

2200 hrs August 9th 2004

The theme for Singapore's 39th National Day

"A PROGRESSIVE SOCIETY"

Just what is outgoing PM Goh talking about?

Just what is the defination of "a progressive society"?

In my travels and observations,

perhaps I can volunteer an answer.

Progressive societies tend to embrace

broad and liberal mindedness

and tolerance.

Progressive societies tend to favour

civil liberties and social progress.

Progressive societies tend to be ahead

of trends and norms without discarding

cultural identities and values.

Are we broad and liberal minded?

Tow the official PAP line,

or you get squashed.

PM Goh promised a "consultative government".

He had 14 years to create one,

but he got bribed into shutting up,

with his million dollar salary.

He said last year,

he felt our pain.

But proceeded with CPF cuts

while still pays himself S$6000

a day.

Do we have civil liberties?

We do not have the freedom of speech

nor right to assemble.

Political debates were stifled

with huge defamation suits.

A progressive society recognises

that defamation is an integral part

of political debate

and therefore lawsuits

are capped.

John Kerry and George Bush

would be suing each other's pants off

if they were living in Singapore.

They defammed,

and let the people decide.

That is a progressive society.

Here, the government thinks

and talks,

on the people's behalf,

except that it's the peoples' voices

that were never heard,

just the Ruling Elite.

The newspapers and TV,

remained

the government's propaganda machine.

They never reported,

that here in sunny Singapore,

we have the highest elderly suicide rate

in the WORLD.

Some progressive society.

A progressive society is gracious,

ours is harsh and mean.

The highest execution rate per capita

in the WORLD.

Detention without trial,

a blantant disregard for

United Nations Human Rights Declaration.

Our people are generally

rude and obnoxious.

No room at all

for dissent

of any form.

Democracy will be chaotic

and destablise

our multi-racial society

they say.

Like as though,

by giving people

a voice,

would turn them into

wild lunatics.

6 people protested

the Iraqi War

outside the US Embassy,

got arrested.

Whilst millions round the globe

marched their demonstrations

in London, New York, Paris, Frankfurt, Sydney.

Are we ahead of trends and norms?

In being ahead,

one have to challenge current norms.

In order to challenge,

one have to be creative.

Creativity flourishes best

in a democratic environment.

Where you dare

to be different.

We've been bludgeoned

into following our leaders

with blind faith.

It has been set

into our psyche.

And when we have no creativity,

they bring in the foreign talent.

They tell us,

our unemployment rate

remains at 4.5%.

Pick any 10 of your old classmates,

and you'd find unemployment rate

closer to 10% -20%

Most have given up,

finding a job.

Talk to any random group of Singaporens

in their late 20s to 40s.

You'd find a generation of people,

who worked their lives,

in chase of the Singaporean dream,

only to be disillusioned

and disenfranchised

with our system

and society.

Ironically,

its the younger ones,

fresh out of school

or working just a few years,

that actually think,

they're really lucky

to be born Singaporean.

No other place on Earth,

can you find this phenomenon,

of docile youth

and angry middle aged.

Such is the complete efficiency

of this brain laundry.

When I hear little children

recite the National Pledge,

"to build a democratic society,

based on justice and equality"

I laugh,

we have all been

short changed.

And it hurts,

only when I laugh.

1000 hrs August 9th 2004

Just got back

from Shanghai.

First thing I noticed,

coming in from the airport,

are all the new condos

at Pudong.

Impressive,

but less than half sold.

The developers are racing

towards a property crisis.

When their bank loans

are not translating into

condo sales.

Soon, they will default.

And a banking crisis

will erupt,

exploding the economy.

When a country

pursues expensive self glorification projects,

ignoring economic realities,

it always gets ugly.

The Pearl TV Tower

is a case in point,

towering above

HuangPu River,

like a nightmarish appendage

from Terminator II

or Alien III.

Billions spent on

the high speed super bullet train,

airport to town,

in 8 minutes flat.

But ticket charge

is a mere RMB30.

Its gonna take them

about 500 years

to breakeven

running full capacity.

Average worker wage

about RMB2000 a month

in Shanghai,

and a beer costs

RMB45.

A social crisis

will flare.

I believe

China will collapse first

before it becomes

a world economic

powerhouse.

Just like

no commercial monopoly

ever becomes

efficient,

neither can

political monopolies.

On Singapore's 39th national day,

it's time we remember that,

as our political leaders

make one costly mistake

after another.

Nonetheless,

I stood

at the mouth

of YangTze River

pondering the waters

that gave rise

to the Chinese race.

In a city,

that once humiliated

its people.

No dogs and Chinese

allowed.

Shanghai,

China's prostitute.

Always been,

and always

will be.

1700 hrs August 4th 2004

I won't blame you

for leaving me,

if I lose my job,

become really poor,

and don't even

have the ability

to look after myself

let alone you.

I won't blame you,

for deserting me,

when my luck

takes a turn

for the worse,

when each new day

seems worse

than the previous.

I won't blame you

for the abandonment,

because I'm lost,

middle aged

and unemployable.

BUT

if I make it really good,

and have all the money

you ever dreamt,

plus all the 5 or 6 Cs

you ever craved,

just why the fuck

should I stay?

1230 hrs July 31st 2004

Felt like launching

into yet another one

of my anti-love musings.

I'm beginning to think,

that love

is just not meant

to be

forever.

At most,

about a dozen years.

We've been biologically

hardwired

to fall in love

when we are young.

Because procreation

is a biological instinct.

Emotions,

in the form of

love,

is a necessity

for procreation.

Because

copulation

minus emotions

that led to

procreation,

will not provide

the offspring

with sufficient

attention.

But when a child

is about 11 or 12,

his biological instincts,

is to leave the family.

Its only today's social

and economic barriers

that caused him

to stay.

At about that time,

the love between

a couple

fades away,

if not

earlier.

When I see

a middle aged man,

attempting to court

his wife

all over again,

I usually know

what happened.

His wife was being

pursued

by another

suitor.

He maybe

all lovedovey

but

I see

bitterness

at the corners

of his mouth.

He is merely trying

to win a bit

of his

self-esteem back.

My prognosis is

it won't last long.

Once the victory is won,

there is nothing left,

once again.

The wife will bask

in the glory

of an attentive husband

for a while,

just a while.

Women like

a little bit of

competition,

but men like

to be on

auto-pilot

with their women.

And women

who remained with

their husbands,

till old age,

usually its because

for the lack

of better options.

Better options are

mostly economic.

When the love is gone,

she will ponder

what would her life

have been

if she chose

the other suitor

instead.

But she failed to realise,

that the tragedy is

the life experience

may be different,

but the end result

will be the same,

ie a loveless marriage.

It follows that

marriage without procreation,

is therefore

unnatural.

Because love

is transcient

and fleeting.

But shared parenthood

remains,

with or without

romantic love.

2240 hrs July 29th 2004

Just came back from a drama.

Mum wanted me to attend

this evangelical play

staged by her church.

She wanted it so badly,

I thought

I'd be a good son,

for once.

Was reasonably well-crafted,

some impressive showmanship,

props, lightings, music.

But

it was downright irritating

afterall.

The unabashed use of

emotional blackmail

and scare tactics.

People tend to be bribed

with promises of Heaven.

People tend to be terrified

with horrors of Hell.

The appeal of

divine salvation

against

the repulsion of

eternal damnation.

God as a Father figure

extending unconditional love

towards his children

has its innate allure.

Except that

if I were ever a father,

no matter how bad my children were

I would never send them to Hell,

if paternal love is indeed

unconditional.

The simplicity

is almost

insulting.

I believe,

if God is Omnipotent.

It follows that

He created

Evil,

as much as

He created

Goodness.

If we are created

in His image,

it follows that

we had Evil

and Goodness,

programmed

into us.

Beauty is

He gave us

a choice.

To allow our Evil

or Goodness

to manifest

in our lives.

We would then

be held accountable,

for all our

words and actions.

We've been put in this World

to live on it,

not above it.

Nonetheless,

it was a good night out

with Mum.

She was absolutely delighted

to have her son around.

It warmed my heart,

but it also

made me feel,

like a lump of dogshit,

for not doing this

more often

1210 hrs July 28th 2004

Finally back to my good old blog,

been out of action for 9 days,

that is sheer tardiness.

A lot of things happened,

had a silly fight,

with Ms X.

Thank God,

things are cool

and mellow

once again.

A young pilot

is obviously

pursuing her.

For fuck's sake,

have some respect,

for another man,

she's got a boyfriend.

For fuck's sake,

have some respect,

for your own girlfriend,

you have a girlfriend too.

For fuck's sake,

have some respect,

for yourself,

grow up

and be

a man.

As for Ms X,

I was upset,

that she did not

consider

my feelings,

when she allowed

this kid

to pursue her.

For the lack

of better words,

she was

flirting.

But then again,

why was I upset

in the first place?

Much as I want to,

I cannot be everything

to her.

If flirting around

makes her happy,

I should be happy

for her.

What hurt

was my pride.

She has me,

so she need not

flirt with others.

But like I said,

I cannot be everything

to her.

So I swallow my pride,

and things are

cool and mellow

again.

Like they said,

if you love someone,

set her free.

Yeah,  I may have

my personal history,

battle scars to show,

of a failed marriage,

when an unscrupulous

angmor,

stole my wife.

To be fair,

she allowed herself

to be stolen.

But I got to deal

with my own

insecurity.

I must not allow

Ms X to be a victim

of my failed marriage

nor my

resultant insecurity

1310 hrs July 19th 2004

This morning, she kissed me
 
whilst I was still fast asleep.
 
All dolled up,
 
in her SQ kerbaya,
 
she bent over
 
in the wee hours of the morning
 
before her flight
 
and planted a soft kiss
 
on my lips
 
whispering
 
Bye baby.
 
In my drowsy slumber,
 
it was like
 
a fantasy
 
come true.
 
The hazy line
 
between reality
 
and illusionary.
 
And then,
 
that soft tender moment
 
is gone.
 
Vapourised
 
like a romantic
 
imagery.
 
I remained blissfully
 
happy,
 
for a while,
 
until the delirium
 
was shattered,
 
as I woke
 
to the maddening
 
rush
 
of the stock markets
 
again.

1710 hrs July 16th 2004

I dunno,
 
I feel a strange disconnect,
 
with reality.
 
Life seems to
 
undulate
 
seemlessly
 
between
 
reality
 
and
 
unreality.
 
Like the ebb
 
and flow
 
of the sea.
 
Billowing waves
 
of energy,
 
forcefully
 
smashing itself
 
against
 
the unyielding
 
unaffected
 
unrelenting
 
boulders of the World, 
 
and then
 
the passion wanes
 
as the tide of life
 
graudally recedes.
 
Love is like nothing
 
but words written
 
on sand,
 
to be washed away
 
by the waves
 
of the sea,
 
leaving me
 
nothing,
 
but
 
THE SEA.
 
 

1345 hrs July 16th 2004

And old friend of mine Ms P

once told me,

Mackie, if a woman doesn't come back

after 2 weeks,

her mind been made up.

And never ever try,

once a woman's mind

been made up.

Ms P owns a girly lounge,

was a KTV hostess herself.

She knows a thing or two

about women,

and, for that matter,

men.

Seems like its against

the psychological makeup

of a woman,

to withstand a relationship

hanging in limbo,

for more than 2 weeks.

If she loves you,

she wouldn't last

2 weeks.

And when a woman decides,

she is no longer in love,

she is the most hardened,

unsentimental creature

on Earth.

It is actually easier

for a woman,

to sleep with a man,

that she

does NOT love,

than

to sleep with a man,

that she

NO LONGER loves.

Women are ruled by emotions,

Men are ruled by ego,

so says John Gray,

author of

"Men from Mars,

Women from Venus"

Frankly,

I think John Gray

got it

the other way round.

Anyway,

if men and women

are from different planents,

we are all

in very deep

trouble

1300 hrs July 14th 2004

Guys who cheat,

just what the hell

are they thinking about?

Would their women

ever forgive?

Much has been said

about the

Male Ego.

I reckon

the Female Ego

is

a whole lot bigger.

Most men will never

ever forgive their

cheating women.

How could you do

such a thing,

to hurt me?

How could you

make me feel,

like I'm not

good enough???

Nothing destroys a man

more than feeling

inadequate.

Whether its

size of penis,

or size of wallet.

Would a woman

ever forgive

a cheating man?

If she has a decent job,

and/or is attractive enough

to land another man,

she's out of your door,

quicker than a bullet.

If she stays,

she'd probably stray.

I've seen too many.

They may have kids,

or are housewives

and therefore

not many options.

But sure as hell

the attitudes changed.

She starts flirting

around,

She'd throw it in your face

at every arguement,

You cheated

she'll say.

She makes your life

a living hell,

she'd want to know

your every single movement.

And at some point,

she'd sleep

with your

best friend,

or the first angmor

that she sees

at Velvet

1220 hrs July 14th 2004

Its lunch time,

I could not sleep last night.

Finally slept at about 4 am.

Was thinking about

marital fidelity.

Strange as it may sound

HARMONY

killed my marriage.

11 years,

a beautiful ex-model wife,

adoring and doting

husband,

earning big bucks,

living in a nice house

by the sea,

exotic holidays,

expensive presents,

no fights,

small quarrels settled

in a calm

civilised manner.

What more would a woman want?

Just one,

another man.

A new challenge.

I was too easy.

She needed someone,

who gives no assurances,

no commitments,

she had to compete

to prove

something

to herself.

Can't help but notice

good guys get dumped

by their wives.

Its the arseholes

who screw around

come home drunk

smelling of female perfume

that get to keep

their marriages.

They tell me,

JEALOUSY is good

for the marriage.

Their wives have to

be on their toes,

to be attractive

or interesting

to keep

their husbands.

JEALOUSY makes their wives

treasure the marriage.

JEALOUSY makes their wives

become better lovers

in bed.

So it follows,

that women

makes love

not with their bodies,

but their egos.

2330 hrs July 12th 2004

Just had dinner with Ms D

woman of real substance.

In her relationship

with Mr R,

just enjoying

each precious moment,

for tomorrow

may never come.

Coming from a widow,

who had her life

wrenched from her

in such tragic circumstances.

I can see

her wisdom.

Why do we quarrel?

Why do we fight?

What if we die

tomorrow?

Do we want

our last memories

of our love ones,

to be that of

a bitter fight?

In most cases,

people fight

not to resolve

issues at hand,

but to express

their anger

and

to hit back.

If we bury

our differences

swallow

our pride,

most fights

are so

unnecessary.

Because we

don't choose

the day

we die.

But we can choose

to live our lives

happily.

We cannot control

the actions

of others,

but we can control

our own

reactions.

For the multitude

of things,

we love

our partners for,

why must that

one single issue

take such

prominence?

Is it that important

to win that fight?

Do we want our

last words

to our love ones

be that of

ugliness?

Lesson in Life,

is to live,

like we will die

tomorrow.

But, as a man

I must plan,

like we will live

forever.

More so,

as a man,

sometimes we cannot

avoid fights.

But it is indeed

our duty

to weather the storm

and guide the ship

to safe waters.

In doing so,

in an arguement,

take the hits

from a woman,

but be in control,

manage the process

and lead

the confrontation,

to an amicable

solution.

Come on,

a man can take

a beating anytime,

including

verbal ones.

1300 hrs July 11th 2004

Had drinks last night

with Ms M and Ms D

both single mothers.

First met them over a year ago

at the Catholic's Beginning Experience.

They were soul sisters

faced with the stark realities

of bringing up sons

entirely on their own.

Today, both are

happily attached

to their respective

boyfriends.

Both complained to me

how each have drifted

from each other.

I am saddened

by how friendship

have a natural tendency

to drift apart.

It does not even take

a quarrel

much less

a fight

for friendship

to meander aimlessly

away.

Circumstances change

people change

and the cost

is usually

the relationship

between 2 people.

Even within a marriage,

when 2 people face

the same circumstance,

the inexorable forces

of nature

cause people to change.

My ex-wife is

nothing like the

sweet 19 year old I met

and fell in love with

in 1989.

By the same token,

I'm sure I'm not

the same guy

she fell in love with

in 1989.

I would like to think

that when you love someone

you love her

through changes.

But nobody

loves

a mutation.

People change

and

usually for the worse.

Which therefore means

for 2 people

to remain together

through time,

they not only

have to change

in the same direction

but also

at the same pace.

That seems

like a bet

on a one to million

odds.

2245 hrs July 9th 2004

Thought I would like to revisit

an issue discussed

sometime back.

About the law of Demand and Supply

in human relationships.

In all fairness,

the forces of demand and supply

is probably about

equilibrium

at the time

of marriage.

Years down the road,

wife gets to meet

more dashing, debonaire

and suave men,

in the course of her job

or social circles,

and she begins to wonder

if she deserves better.

And/or

husband begins to experience

real career sucess

and money is plentiful.

Suddenly

there is no shortage

of younger

charming and

sexy women,

thowing themselves

at him,

he begins to feel

too good

for his wife.

Seems to me,

the biggest sin

in a marriage

is COMPARISON.

When one starts to compare

his or her own spouse

with others,

eventually one will come along

to make your spouse

look like a marriage

made in Hell.

Guess that is what

Jesus meant

when he said

when you look at thy neighbour's wife

with lust in your eyes,

you've already committed

adultery.

Because when you look

at your neighbour's wife

with lust,

comparisons were made,

and thus,

the sin.

1115 hrs July 7th 2004

She's got a way about her,

I don't quite know

what it is.

As she breaks

into that gentle

half smile.

As she treads

into that uncertain

half step.

Her eyes

curl into crescent shaped

half moons.

She speaks

like a girl

halfway

into womanhood.

A certain

girlish earnestness,

and

a world weary woman's

wisdom.

Like the lazy rousing sun

on a late Saturday morning,

she slips quietly

into that empty void

of my life.

But those gorgeous

brown eyes,

and

careful uncertain style,

she marked her entry

and presence

into my life

with that

full creamy whiteness.

Sometimes

I wonder,

if I imagined

all this.

The smallness

of her breathe,

the delicate waft

of her scent.

the tender caress

of her touch.

My life

has always

been a battle.

Between light

and darkness.

As soon as

warm sunshine

lands

on my skin,

Darkness

will sweep up

all remnants

of love

and joy.

Baby,

can you feel

the burning fear,

the torture

of insecurity,

the torment

of losing you?

If only,

you can hold me now,

and feel,

a little bit

of my

disquietude.

0855 hrs July 6th 2004

I often feel cursed,

born with a

high IQ.

Sure it helps

as I grasp

abstract concepts,

it enables me to

visualise

conceptualise

theorerise

hypothesise

idealise even.

But I have no clue

what people are feeling.

Right,

I have the EQ

of a lamp post.

Guys with high IQ

are like

Guys with big cocks,

they only think

they fuck better.

It does not make them

better lovers

or

better men.

Coz

you'd quickly realise,

its your IGNORANCE

that is infinite

not your KNOWLEDGE

2316 hrs July 4th 2004

Its American Independence Day,

Home of the Brave,

Land of the Free.

We forgot the effective genocide

of the Native Americans.

Ethnic cleansing wasn't invented

by the Serbians.

But you don't see the Serbians,

declaring public holiday

with fireworks and parades.

Had lunch with Mr D,

in Batam.

He has broken off

with Ms L

yet again.

Can't help but feel,

how relationships between

two people,

are often ruled

by the same

laws of demand and supply.

Rarely ever an equilibrum.

One will feel lucky,

the other feels

shortchanged.

If Economics 101 rules

in human relationships,

if follows that,

we're all in it,

for

mutual exploitation.

1250 hrs July 2nd 2004

Its strange,

guys around 40

are either

good husbands, good fathers

bad husbands, good fathers

bad husbands, bad fathers.

Well,

I'm none of the above.

What a loser.

1150 hrs July 1st 2004

SEX

is such a

powerful experience.

The urgencies,

passions,

explosions.

And then,

in the aftermath,

tender intimacy.

An hour or two,

we became

one flesh.

Sharing

the divine pleasure,

hot passion,

warm affection,

desiderate connection.

There is such a difference,

between making love,

and fucking.

In making love,

you fuck to please.

In fucking,

you fucked her good,

but you fucked yourself better.

In making love,

her pleasure

is your gratification,

her climax

is your ultimate aim.

So why do men

married or attached,

fuck around?

I gather,

it is the ILLUSION

of intimacy,

that they need,

when they're not getting it

at home,

mostly.

1115 hrs June 29th 2004

Was at Joo Chiat

With Mr B and Mr T

They enjoy hanging out

in the company

of Vietnamese hookers.

Not that they actually

go to bed

with them.

Just some feminine

company.

Am always facinated,

how desirable

a man can become

when he wields

the power

of cash.

Prostitution is probably

the most honest form

of this stark fact.

Women generally

look for the best

provider.

They call it stability.

Hey, a security guard earning $800 a month

for life,

is stability.

A financial market trader earning $20000 a month

but gets fired tomorrow,

is not stability.

But it is a biological fact.

Females want males

that can provide

for them and

the family,

sometimes extended family,

especially in Asia.

Cavewomen in prehistoric times

want cavemen

that brings home

the meat.

Likewise, modern women.

But

if they're in it

only for the money,

what then,

is the difference,

between a wife,

mistress,

and prostitute?

2125 hrs June 27th 2004

Back from weekend

in Malacca.

Peranakan food, bak kut teh

durian chendol.

Tearing down the highway

in that trusty

little Porsche

200 kmph

300 km in 1.5 hours

non-stop

Amost forgotten

the thrill of

that adrenalin rush

sweeping aside

all others.

I love living life

very fast,

Or maybe

I just love to

dominate.

A fitting end

to an aweful week.

One client did not have

the integrity,

to honour his own

mistake.

Another client wanted

to profit

from the mistake of

another.

Likewise, where is

the integrity.

Just what

have this

financial market industry

degenerated into?

Honour and integrity

concepts from a

bygone era.

You may lose money

its alright,

its not your money

afterall.

But when you lose your

reputation,

it is your personal loss

forever,

or at least

a very long time.

At least Ms X,

sent me flowers

and my favourite lunch.

In many ways,

she is the best thing

that ever happened

to me.

Can't help

falling in love

with a girl

like that.

1935 hrs June 24th 2004

Today,

exactly 4 years ago

I lost my marriage.

Suddenly,

memories

that I thought

I've forgotten

came

flooding back.

The betrayal,

abandonment,

searing pain,

confusion,

fear,

bitterness,

loss of self-esteem,

shattered dreams,

pieces of a

broken life.

I shuddered

when I recalled,

the hallucinations,

voices

in my head.

Suddenly,

the sickly sweet taste

of the weed killer

returned

to my mouth.

Those anxiety attacks,

Waking up

in the middle

of the night.

Panting,

in cold sweat,

Heart pounding

at my chest.

I could still hear

the trauma.

What have I ever done

to deserve this

desertion?

Is she happier now?

Is he treating her right?

I loved her

like my life

depended on it.

Her happiness

was

my Life's goal.

Her smile

was

my Life's pleasure.

Why I could

suddenly recall

that fateful day

when my world

imploded.

Maybe

I still

love her,

because

she was once mine.

But

the pain she caused

was unbearable

1300 hrs June 23rd 2004

Visited a client this morning

An American bank

Was stopped at the entrance

for security checks.

Now,

if I were a terrorist,

Would I bother

walking through the doors?

I would drive

a car bomb

into the basement carpark.

Nobody checked me

when I drove into the carpark.

Hegemony

Megalomania

Oil

Palestine.

On the other side of the equation,

you have

Poverty

Injustice

Grief

Hopelessness.

Something is bound to give,

yesterday,

it was

the head

of

a Korean.

The killers reasoned,

if the Isrealis

get away with

world sanctioned murder

of their Muslim brethren,

so its blood,

for blood.

We live

in a flawed system.

Where there is

inequality,

unequal distribution

of wealth,

power

and influence.

Some people call it

GLOBALISATION.

Don't get me wrong,

I'm a financial markets trader.

Globalisation and capitalism,

keeps me alive.

Just that

it benefits some people,

at the expense

of others.

Until we learn to share,

more heads

will roll,

unfortunately.

I kept telling Ms X,

the Indonesian Chinese

never learnt.

Seems to me,

neither did

the Americans,

or

Everybody else

2300 hrs June 21st 2004

Just sent Ms X to the airport

this time for 3 days to Fukuoka

voted the best city in Asia to live

of course you don't read about such things

in the Shit Times

We are world number 1

they tell us.

And if you pointed out

that we are not even in the World's top 10

some smart PAP running dog

will tell you,

We're better off than Jakarta.

Yeah,

some benchmark.

Tonight,

let's talk about

Polygamy.

A friend of mine

have this arrangement

with her boyfriend.

They can bed anyone they want

so long as they are open about it.

Cheating does not count,

as cheating

when there is no deception.

I have to admit,

that human beings

are

biologically hardwired

to be

polygamous.

We have evolved this way

over a million years.

The search for

better genetic material

to perpeptuate

our kind.

However,

in the last

thousand odd years I guess

social evolution

conforms us to

monogamy.

Therein

lies the problem.

We live in

a social world.

Emotions develop

through Time.

Allowing our polygamous nature

to go through,

will cause

emotional pain.

Just like a river

whose nature must

run its course,

an artificial dam

will block nature.

Like a dam,

a socially evolved relationship

must be strong enough,

to prevent

the natural impulse

of polygamy.

Whether we like it or not,

call it social conformity

or what.

Polygamy

will result

in emotional pain

at some point.

Someone WILL get hurt.

It will never be

a fair game.

When more than two,

are involved.

Ayn Rand,

author of "Fountainhead"

and

"Atlas Shrugged"

invented

the philosophy of

Objectivism.

Where rational faculties

are exalted

above everything else,

no place for

human emotions.

Rational self-interest

she declared

frees us

from the shackles

of convention

and

tradition.

So popular

were her theories,

she was declared,

the "most rational woman"

who ever lived.

In the spirit,

of rational self-interest,

she took a follower,

25 years younger,

as her lover.

With full consent

from her husband,

and the lover's wife.

Why can't the young lover

sleep with the woman

he admired so much?

Eventually,

it was too much

for Ayn Rand's husband,

and her lover's wife.

Both couples

were divorced

as an unfortunate

result.

Thus, I conclude,

with all due respect

to the "most rational woman"

who ever lived.

A polygamous arrangement,

will be

just

an arrangement.

It will never

be

a relationship.

Because,

in a relationship,

people get hurt,

sometimes real bad.

Like it or not,

we want our partner,

to be

exclusive.

Ayn Rand calls it

"the Virtue of Selfishness"

When you love someone,

you will never do anything

or even say anything

to

cause hurt,

stupid bitch....

1155 hrs June 21st 2004

I suddenly forgot

how Ms X's sister

forbidden her son

from sharing his food

with his classmates.

She claimed

that's for fear

of him

catching illness

from the other kids.

Excuse me Mum,

isn't that

part of socialising

in school?

Does that mean

when I grow up,

I cannot

fuck a girl,

in case

she's got AIDS?

Do you have to live

my life for me?

How about teaching me

protection

instead of,

selfishness?

1115 hrs June 21st 2004

A friend of mine called

She's a single mother.

Her wallet was stolen

and she needs cash.

I'm happy to help.

But I advised,

that it will

kill her boyfriend

if he finds out.

Nothing hurts

a man more

than

feeling inadequate.

What about her ex-hubby?

Why is she

desparately broke,

Whilst

the ex-husband

is dicking around

bikini babes

on wakeboards.

Anyone can be a father.

but it takes a real man,

to be

a Daddy.

People do

fall out of love.

I know how it feels.

But even if I stop

loving a woman

as my wife,

I will never

stop loving her

as mother

of my children.

Children maybe

a product

of screwing.

But they

ain't

lightbulbs

that you can

unscrew.

The marriage

may be over.

But though you stopped

being a husband,

you cannot stop

being a father.

And being a fantasy Dad

isn't a solution.

A fantasy Dad

is one

who sees the kids

once a week

and spoils them rotten

lavish them

with gifts.

A Daddy is one

who imparts

a sense of value system

in the child.

He is a good disciplinarian,

but allows the kids

to make mistakes,

learn from them,

most importantly,

apply lessons learnt.

He teaches the kids

survival skills in Life,

make them appreciate things they have,

and never take things

for granted.

He leads

as a male role model,

by example.

He extracts

the best

out of them.

Maximises

their potential.

He protects them

even by putting his own safety

on the line

to keep them safe.

He sacrifices

his personal happiness

for them.

The Greatest Quality

of

A Father's love

is

UNCONDITIONAL

2100 hrs June 20th 2004

Just got back

from a weekend cruise

with Ms X and her Dad.

The old man is kind of fun

easy to please

quite unlike her Mum.

I get the feeling

I'm never good enough

for her.

I know that boat Virgo

like I live there.

This time around

plenty of Indian nationals

on holiday.

Says something to me

about the booming Indian economy.

A newly created

Middle class

with disposable income

to spend

on Singaporean cruise ships.

Was quite a nightmare

actually.

A whole weekend

with a boatload

of Indian nationals

and

Singaporeans.

The only people

more kiasu

than the Singaporeans

are

Indian nationals.

They threw themselves

at

the buffet tables.

They argued

with the poor Mainland Chinese cashier.

Always trying to cheat others.

Always trying to take advantage

of others' mistakes.

A topless dance show

was cancelled

for technical reasons.

A full refund

was not good enough for them.

Almost started a riot.

Mobbed the poor MC

Like as though

they were going to lynch him.

Totally crude

and

unsophisticated.

Not a shred

of dignity

in them.

I suppose you can

largely say the same,

for Mainland Chinese.

Guess when you come

from a country of 1 over billion.

Living most of their lives

in utter deprivation,

it brings out

the ugliness

in the human race.

Question of survival

precedes the need

to be a better person.

Back to the cruise,

the sea

always have that effect on me.

I feel free

My spirits soar.

I am at my element,

once again.

Took on the casino

made some money.

Not alot

but lunch money

for the rest of the month.

I dunno why,

I'm just darned good

at taking financial risks

or gambling

whichever way

you want to see it.

The sea,

casino,

Karaoke,

beers,

live music,

Ms X.

Guess my weekend

was good

very good.

Ms X

did snapped at me once.

I suppose

she gets away

with behaving spoilt rotten

in front of her family.

Unfortunately,

the receiving end these days

is me.

She inherited that

from her Mum.

Never a nice word

out of her mouth.

Always critical

always vocal

Nothing is ever good enough

for her.

Having said that,

I found that

crude

and

unsophisticated too.

Since today is Father's Day,

I thought I'd formulate

some of my theories

on Fatherhood.

Maybe tomorrow

1105 hrs June 18th 2004

Just had a heated exchange

over the e-mail

with a friend

whose boyfriend is angmor.

She said

Singaporean men

are just not man enough

compared to other men.

Just what is the defination

of manhood?

She said her boyfriend would

go trekking, hunting and fishing

could fix things around the house

would vacuum the floor

and cook dinner.

I've done enough of jungle survival

during military training.

I now fight for daily survival

in the corporate jungle.

The only woman I know

that does more housework

and cooks better

than me

is my mother.

I was expecting much more

from a formerly married woman.

I believe

the true measure of a man

is when he recognises his role

to Provide

and

to Protect

his woman

and family.

Conversely,

the true measure of a Matured man

is when he realises

true happiness is found

when he puts

the happiness

of others

ahead of his own.

When

he derives more satisfaction

in Giving

than Taking.

He smiles

in contentment

when he sees

the happiness

of his loved ones.

When he knows

he is

the source

of happiness.

He has provided

Never will he ever

hit his woman.

Because she is his

to protect.

How does one protect

his love

when he is

hitting her?

I find fishing

extremely cruel.

If yanking the jaw

out of a poor fish

with a metal hook

makes me a real man.

Forget it

I'm happy to be

a

lesser man.

1225hrs June 17th 2004

Lunch time in the office

Have not eaten anything

Which is quite usual

Eat too little

Sleep too little

Smoke too much

Drink too much

Actually made some money on my short KOSPI puts

and took profits on STI too

Actually went short on STI

Maybe my confidence

is going to kill me

Someday.

Its all about

Luck Management

England said

they're unlucky to lose

But matey,

You guys been unlucky

for 38 years

and counting.

After 38 years,

you don't attribute it

to bad luck

anymore

You're just fucked up.

Mr D blamed his boss

for his bad luck

Truth is he could have

made it really good

in his last job

at the university.

The Greeks were

the most glorious civilisation

2000 years ago

Now, they could not do

anything right.

Including building a stadium

for the summer Olympics.

The Chinese blamed

the Manchurians, the westerners

and the communists.

Shanghai is really

China's prostitute.

The Cambodians blamed

Pol Pot.

More hotels than tourists

at Angkor Wat.

I really hate Phuket

Its a microcosm

of everything that its wrong

with Thailand.

Greed, pollution, poor planning

exploitation and

prostitutes going after

the falang baht.

The English thought their fathers

were compassionate colonists.

What the fuck is that?

Truth is

the circle of Life continues

nobody remains at the top

for very long.

Say a prayer

for this white worshipping SPG nation

1435 hrs June 16th 2004

Back to the blog

Was absent yesterday

Ms X at home

Had to service her

with pleasure of course

Just that I somehow

could not tell her about this blog

weird isn't it?

That you could not reveal

the darkest recesses

of the inner workings

of your mind

To the one you love.

Love is afterall

a mind game

JD Salinger in 'Catcher in the Rye'

"don't tell anybody everything

if you do,

you'd miss everybody"

I had lunch with a big shot yesterday

Chairman of big listed firm

He shocked me

He is everything I ever wanted to be

Successful, rich, intelligent

yet

calm, self-assured, humble, peaceful

I felt

loud, brash, arrogant, abrasive

in comparison

Still feel the need

to prove myself

to the world

What would a guy like him

have anything left to prove?

In words unspoken

he made me feel

like

a lump of dog shit

Boy,

do you have

a really very long way to go

2305 hrs June 14th 2004

Just finished watching England vs France

Only a die-hard English fan

Would actually call it a match

The French were far more assured

The English at best were merely coping

Finally buckled under pressure

Such is when you're a class apart

Having said that,

if Silvestre wanted Owen's shirt so much

I would have bought him one

He need not yank it off Owen's back

She's coming home

in about 3 hours

I bought supper for her

Chicken salad in thousand island

Can't tell you how much I missed her

How much I want to hold her

and not letting her go

How much I want to

I yearn to

see her break into that gentle half smile

and pace that soft half step

of hers

uniquely hers

How I missed

the security of holding her

as I blissfully sleep

How I missed

the comfort of waking

and the one I love

is the first thing I see

How I swear

I'd never squabble with her again

How much harder

I have to try

to make it work

Its a man's job afterall

to weather the storm

and captain the ship

back to sheltered waters

I just have to try harder

to be a better man

1745 hrs June 14th 2004

Back into the daily grind

Sold KOSPI puts

People say I'm a lunatic

Have to say,

It felt like standing in front

of a speeding bullet train

And I'm ain't no superman

Just your average joe

trying to make a living

hoping to love

and be loved

Its not looking pretty

I might lose money

But its always better

to bet on a hunch

and be proven wrong

Than to cringe in fear

of being wrong

and be proven right

If only, and only

I could trade women

the way I trade stocks

But I'm ain't no superman

the only part of me made of steel

are my balls

2215 hrs June 13th 2004

Just got off the phone

About 1 hour 15 minutes

Long distance to Tokyo

Must have set me back at least 30 dollars

But it was worth every single penny

Lost count of the number of times

We kissed over the phone

It's strange isn't?

How Life is in varying shades of Grey

When things are in Black and White

There is no arguement

No discussion even

But shades of Grey

At which point do we say Enough?

There must be a reason

Why brains are called Grey Matter

1950 hrs June 13th 2004

Just spent the weekend in Batam, Indonesia

The sea

It never fails to lift my spirits

The wind in my hair

The sun on my face

The undulating sea extends to the distant horizon

The light shimmers across the wavelets

We sailed past Sentosa island

I suddenly recalled my last birthday

The woody smell of the suite room at Beaufort

Seafood dinner at Shangrila

Twosome massage at Spa Botanica

Making love in our private jacuzzi

as peacocks gawked

I remembered her smile

and thanking God for Life

thanking God for her.

I smiled again as the salty sea breeze caresses my face

Onward to Batam

Meeting Mr D and Ms L

Gorged at Ms X's favourite stall

Indonesian bakso, bebek and ayam goreng

I recalled how pleased she was

eating the favourite food of her childhood

How pleased I was

at seeing her contentment

Her happiness meant everything to me

Meeting Mr D shook me out of my self-indulgence

He is jobless and broke again

Worried again about providing for his sons

And for Ms L

I offered to help

if he needs cash to tie over

He did not answer

Knowing him

We sat silently watching football

Portugal deserved to lose

The Greeks made up for their lack of flamboyance

with meticulous discipline

covered all angles

Portugal did not have a chance

There must be a lesson to be learnt in Life

Just watching football

I come home

determined again

to make it work

to court her all over again

Maybe it's a battle I just can't win

just maybe

Stranger things have happened

Like Greece beating Portugal

0555 hrs June 12th 2004

Fuck.

I'm actually enjoying this.

Great cure for insomnia.

Back for more.

What the hell am I doing?

Have not slept a single wink.

And its been a tiring week.

Kuyak the Tortoise is already awake, trudging around the yard.

Biko the Parrot is hungry too.

Sorry guys, Daddy is feeling really self-centred today.

And pathetic too.

Oh, I know why.

Its all about Ms X.

Always the rollercoaster ride.

The highs and lows

The thrills and spills

But always back to the same old stop.

Damned, I've been here before.

If I go,

I suspect the problem is really me.

I love her

But hate her temper

Maybe I'm just looking for a way out

Again

Who does not have faults?

For all the things I love her for

Why must this one fault matter so much?

Maybe the problem is bigger

Maybe I resent her

I hate the feeling that she is settling for me

That she wished I was someone else

But if I'm not good enough for her,

why won't she just pack up and go?

Like my ex-wife

Or she is merely waiting for the better option to come along.

Hey, finding a better option is a full time job!

Why waste her life living with me?

Maybe its just my paranoia

Maybe its just the ghosts of my past

haunting me again.

Or maybe I'm just too afraid

of another relationship failure.

Pathetic

Yeah, Diary of a Loser

is so apt.

0530 hrs June 12th 2004

I finally did it.

Created my own blog.

My very own piece of irrelevance on the world wide web.

Being pathetic and trying to be proud of it.

What motivates people to spill their guts on the Net?

Is social life that bad?

Then again, I rationalise.

It serves to crystalise the moment.

Record the thoughts and feelings.

I never had the luxury of time to introspect anyway.

Except during my divorce.

Never had the time to regret.

Except during my divorce.

Never cared enough to tell others about me.

Except during my divorce.

Fuck that was 4 years ago.

Time to get up and go.

So they say.

Time heals all wounds.

So they say.

They didn't tell me that time is a great distance.

Turning 40 and still wondering why.

Made my first million 10 years ago.

Blew most of it in alimony payments.

Still wondering why.

Still earning a good salary after all these years.

A condo, a boat and a porsche.

Still wondering why.

I should be asleep hours ago, or at least drunk.

Still wondering why.

What the fuck, I'd just post this first piece anyway.