Living in this world
is like being in a casino.
You can't think too much,
if you do,
you stop enjoying the game.
If you think too much
about Life,
you won't have time
to enjoy Life.
You just lay down your money
and play your part.
You must know
which cards to hold
and which cards to throw,
just like you must know
which people to hold
and which people to throw,
even friends
or spouses.
Just enjoy the game,
no matter what cards
you've been dealt,
and play the best
to your ability.
Just like in Life,
you must always endeavour
to give your best shot
in everything worth doing.
If you're not gonna give your best
you might as well not even try.
You can't walk,
in the middle of a game,
just like you cannot
resign from Life,
unless you wanna die.
Never count your money
when you're still
playing the game,
just play the cards
you get dealt,
even bad cards.
When you count your money,
you either get complacent
or greedy.
If I count my blessings in life,
tomorrow being Vesak Day,
I'll sit under a tree
waiting for Enlightenment.
And when you're out of aces,
go next door and
sing karaoke instead.
No point trying too hard
in life,
particularly marriage.
A married life is happiest
when you don't really need
to try so hard.
When your casino ship is sinking,
you don't sit there and pray,
you jump.
20070530
20070529
1050 HRS MAY 29TH 2007
What I meant yesterday,
was for relationships between
two human beings,
be it romantic or platonic,
our whole,
have to be more than
the total sum of our
individual parts.
Meaning,
1 + 1 > 2.
A human relationship
can only be sustained that way.
If
1 + 1 = 2,
what incentive is there
to be friends?
We're no better off
than before when
we were strangers.
Worse if,
1+ 1 < 2
We're no good for each other,
We're dragging each other down.
So for our sake's,
let's just forget
we even knew
each other.
was for relationships between
two human beings,
be it romantic or platonic,
our whole,
have to be more than
the total sum of our
individual parts.
Meaning,
1 + 1 > 2.
A human relationship
can only be sustained that way.
If
1 + 1 = 2,
what incentive is there
to be friends?
We're no better off
than before when
we were strangers.
Worse if,
1+ 1 < 2
We're no good for each other,
We're dragging each other down.
So for our sake's,
let's just forget
we even knew
each other.
20070528
1210 HRS MAY 28TH 2007
Human relationships are strange.
Time may cultivate familiarity,
but familiarity breeds contempt.
Once that barrier of
common courtesy
between strangers
been overcome,
best of friends
have this tendency
of being overly critical,
easily confrontational,
putting you down,
shattering your confidence,
to the point
of brutality.
They say,
they do it
out of friendly concern,
all well and good,
but is there a need
to be fucking rude?
Worst when a snide remark
is disguised as a joke,
its not funny damnit.
Just what sort of
gratification
do you get out
of cutting me up?
Just what sort of
sick satisfaction
do you get out
of putting me down?
Just what sort of
fucking thrill
do you get out
of breaking my spirit?
It is just not me
to respond,
I'll absorb your punches,
I'll take your beatings.
And I do have a
great capacity
for punishment
from someone I love.
But at some point,
I'll miss
being strangers
again.
Time may cultivate familiarity,
but familiarity breeds contempt.
Once that barrier of
common courtesy
between strangers
been overcome,
best of friends
have this tendency
of being overly critical,
easily confrontational,
putting you down,
shattering your confidence,
to the point
of brutality.
They say,
they do it
out of friendly concern,
all well and good,
but is there a need
to be fucking rude?
Worst when a snide remark
is disguised as a joke,
its not funny damnit.
Just what sort of
gratification
do you get out
of cutting me up?
Just what sort of
sick satisfaction
do you get out
of putting me down?
Just what sort of
fucking thrill
do you get out
of breaking my spirit?
It is just not me
to respond,
I'll absorb your punches,
I'll take your beatings.
And I do have a
great capacity
for punishment
from someone I love.
But at some point,
I'll miss
being strangers
again.
20070525
1540 HRS MAY 25TH 2007
Now this is exciting
my imagination.
Malaysia and Singapore
are planning to cooperate
in building
the Iskandar Development Region
in Johore.
The area will be
3 times the size
of Singapore.
This is one time,
the two countries
will be working together
for mutual benefit.
Malaysia needs our
capital, expertise and technology.
Singapore needs
cheap abundant hinterland,
and human resources
to move the manufacturing sector.
I have seen how
Shenzhen benefitted
both China and Hong Kong.
In this age of globalisation,
when all manufacturing jobs
go to China,
and all outsourced services jobs
go to India,
both Singapore and Malaysia,
have to work together,
be competitive and relevant
or die a natural death.
More importantly,
just as Shenzhen
spelt the death
of communism in China,
Iskandar Development Region,
should spell the death
of bumiputra policy in Malaysia.
Politically,
with equally vested interests
in such a huge area,
bilateral ties between
Singapore and Malaysia,
can only get better.
We're stuck together
for better or worse.
Pertinent issues
like water supply,
West Malaysian CPF withdrawals,
Customs, Immigration, Quarantine (CIQ)
will look like tiny minor problems,
in the face of a region,
whose economy
can potentially be bigger
than Bangkok or Jakarta.
Of course,
a grand vision
that can potentially change
the socio-economic lives
of two countries,
came from PM Badawi,
and not our millionaire ministers.
All our guys can come up with
are building two casinos.
Malaysia is still
a nett commodity exporter,
which will make them
politically and eonomically
aligned with China,
the next economic superpower.
Because of Malaysia's Islamic roots,
it will also align itself
with the Arab world,
Shariah compliant financing
cannot come easier.
I read that,
they will build Danga Bay,
a massive waterfront
housing project
in conjuction with
Iskandar Development Region.
Danga Bay gives me incentive
to marry a Malaysian chick,
Malaysian property,
Malaysian ringgit,
cannot go wrong from here.
my imagination.
Malaysia and Singapore
are planning to cooperate
in building
the Iskandar Development Region
in Johore.
The area will be
3 times the size
of Singapore.
This is one time,
the two countries
will be working together
for mutual benefit.
Malaysia needs our
capital, expertise and technology.
Singapore needs
cheap abundant hinterland,
and human resources
to move the manufacturing sector.
I have seen how
Shenzhen benefitted
both China and Hong Kong.
In this age of globalisation,
when all manufacturing jobs
go to China,
and all outsourced services jobs
go to India,
both Singapore and Malaysia,
have to work together,
be competitive and relevant
or die a natural death.
More importantly,
just as Shenzhen
spelt the death
of communism in China,
Iskandar Development Region,
should spell the death
of bumiputra policy in Malaysia.
Politically,
with equally vested interests
in such a huge area,
bilateral ties between
Singapore and Malaysia,
can only get better.
We're stuck together
for better or worse.
Pertinent issues
like water supply,
West Malaysian CPF withdrawals,
Customs, Immigration, Quarantine (CIQ)
will look like tiny minor problems,
in the face of a region,
whose economy
can potentially be bigger
than Bangkok or Jakarta.
Of course,
a grand vision
that can potentially change
the socio-economic lives
of two countries,
came from PM Badawi,
and not our millionaire ministers.
All our guys can come up with
are building two casinos.
Malaysia is still
a nett commodity exporter,
which will make them
politically and eonomically
aligned with China,
the next economic superpower.
Because of Malaysia's Islamic roots,
it will also align itself
with the Arab world,
Shariah compliant financing
cannot come easier.
I read that,
they will build Danga Bay,
a massive waterfront
housing project
in conjuction with
Iskandar Development Region.
Danga Bay gives me incentive
to marry a Malaysian chick,
Malaysian property,
Malaysian ringgit,
cannot go wrong from here.
20070524
1455 HRS MAY 24TH 2007
They tell me,
Love is Blind.
If that is so,
Love comes with a
Braille Financial Calculator.
They tell me,
Its the Thought that Counts.
Then why the fuck
is that Taka Jewellery ear ring
not as good as Paloma Picasso range
from Tiffany & Co?
They tell me,
Love Conquers All.
Yes,
until the next Bigger Better Deal
tries to jump into her pants.
Especially in Swingabore,
Once you lose your job,
you lose your woman too.
Natural progression of logic.
They tell me,
Absence makes the Heart Grow Fonder.
Are you fucking kidding?
I have hard statistical evidence,
that once your're out of her sight,
you're out of her mind too.
They tell me,
All you need is Love.
Yes, and a generous helping of
expensive restaurants,
luxury holidays,
branded goods,
private estate address,
not just a car, but a German Marque.
They tell me
lots of things.
I just wish
they will just
shut the fuck up.
Love is Blind.
If that is so,
Love comes with a
Braille Financial Calculator.
They tell me,
Its the Thought that Counts.
Then why the fuck
is that Taka Jewellery ear ring
not as good as Paloma Picasso range
from Tiffany & Co?
They tell me,
Love Conquers All.
Yes,
until the next Bigger Better Deal
tries to jump into her pants.
Especially in Swingabore,
Once you lose your job,
you lose your woman too.
Natural progression of logic.
They tell me,
Absence makes the Heart Grow Fonder.
Are you fucking kidding?
I have hard statistical evidence,
that once your're out of her sight,
you're out of her mind too.
They tell me,
All you need is Love.
Yes, and a generous helping of
expensive restaurants,
luxury holidays,
branded goods,
private estate address,
not just a car, but a German Marque.
They tell me
lots of things.
I just wish
they will just
shut the fuck up.
20070523
0055HRS MAY 23RD 2007
I can't sleep.
I kept on thinking
of that night.
When a virtual stranger,
almost barged into my life.
She is pretty,
maybe with a few extra pounds,
but at her lanky height,
she carries them off
not too badly.
We've been introduced before,
I know of her as a single mum,
who is recently available again.
She knows,
so am I.
Very charming,
in a breezy sort of way,
I admit,
I was somewhat aroused
when she got a little
touchy feely.
Later that night,
she invited herself
to my place,
for drinks.
The silent come hither
was loud and deafening,
the good night kiss
wasn't exactly a friendly hug.
In my intoxicated haze,
I heard the words
of that old movie Forrest Gump,
"Run Forrest Run!!!"
Yeah, I ran.
Like that mentally retarded.
Look at me,
I know I am not
exactly someone
who can make a woman
wet her pants
for a one night stand.
Seems more like
she came with
a business plan.
I could have played
her game,
but I know
I am no player.
If anything,
I'd fall hopelessly in love
feeling so thankful
and appreciative
of being accepted
by her,
the very morning after.
She must have thought of me
as an easy target.
And later,
I found out,
that she done this
seduction act before,
in search of
her (and her son's) meal ticket
and car installment.
Suddenly,
I felt so alone again,
almost scared.
They always tell me
the ocean is full of fishes,
they forgot to tell me
its full of barracudas too.
I kept on thinking
of that night.
When a virtual stranger,
almost barged into my life.
She is pretty,
maybe with a few extra pounds,
but at her lanky height,
she carries them off
not too badly.
We've been introduced before,
I know of her as a single mum,
who is recently available again.
She knows,
so am I.
Very charming,
in a breezy sort of way,
I admit,
I was somewhat aroused
when she got a little
touchy feely.
Later that night,
she invited herself
to my place,
for drinks.
The silent come hither
was loud and deafening,
the good night kiss
wasn't exactly a friendly hug.
In my intoxicated haze,
I heard the words
of that old movie Forrest Gump,
"Run Forrest Run!!!"
Yeah, I ran.
Like that mentally retarded.
Look at me,
I know I am not
exactly someone
who can make a woman
wet her pants
for a one night stand.
Seems more like
she came with
a business plan.
I could have played
her game,
but I know
I am no player.
If anything,
I'd fall hopelessly in love
feeling so thankful
and appreciative
of being accepted
by her,
the very morning after.
She must have thought of me
as an easy target.
And later,
I found out,
that she done this
seduction act before,
in search of
her (and her son's) meal ticket
and car installment.
Suddenly,
I felt so alone again,
almost scared.
They always tell me
the ocean is full of fishes,
they forgot to tell me
its full of barracudas too.
20070522
1400 HRS MAY 22ND 2007
I very seldom
take a break
for lunch.
But today,
I decided to go
for a walk around.
I stood outside this
nasi lemak stall,
and found it amusing,
why people (especially women)
place a packet of tissue paper
on the table,
to reserve the seat.
Just why do they do that?
I guess they want to be
assured of a seat
when they return
with their nasi lemak.
Its so amusing.
John Nash won
a Nobel Peace Prize
for his work
on the Game Theory.
I'm no mathematician
or genius like John Nash,
but we're both schizos I suppose.
The nasi lemak tissue paper seat grabber
is a simple example,
of that Game Theory.
I noticed,
it takes about 5 minutes
to queue up,
and about 10 minutes
to eat.
Let's say tissue paper seat grabbers
were banned
by Encik Nasi Lemak,
Everybody queues up
for his nasi lemak,
all things remaining equal,
with 5 minutes queuing time
and 10 minutes eating time,
every 15 minutes,
there will be a new seat available!!!
If everything goes according to
the Game Theory,
Encik Nasi Lemak
needs just 2 seats
to keep his business going
for 2 hours of lunch
to serve 22 customers!!!
And he probably has
about 25 seats!!!
So why does Encik Nasi Lemak
have a problem
seating his clients?
Its the tissue paper seat grabbers.
I guess the basic problem
is it is against human nature
to think of costs and benefits
from overall perspective.
We think only of benefits
and lay the costs
to others.
When it costs us,
we think of only our own benefits.
If the tissue paper seat grabbers
can realise that,
it is totally unproductive
to leave a packet of tissue paper
on the table,
serving no nasi lemak client,
whilst they queue up,
and that it has hardly any benefits,
whilst the cost,
is borned
by other clients
notwithstanding Encik Nasi Lemak.
Only humans,
exhibit this tendency
to reserve.
Animals never do.
They hunt
only when they're hungry.
They are inborn
with the Game Theory.
Its so easy,
to make this world
a nicer place
to live.
take a break
for lunch.
But today,
I decided to go
for a walk around.
I stood outside this
nasi lemak stall,
and found it amusing,
why people (especially women)
place a packet of tissue paper
on the table,
to reserve the seat.
Just why do they do that?
I guess they want to be
assured of a seat
when they return
with their nasi lemak.
Its so amusing.
John Nash won
a Nobel Peace Prize
for his work
on the Game Theory.
I'm no mathematician
or genius like John Nash,
but we're both schizos I suppose.
The nasi lemak tissue paper seat grabber
is a simple example,
of that Game Theory.
I noticed,
it takes about 5 minutes
to queue up,
and about 10 minutes
to eat.
Let's say tissue paper seat grabbers
were banned
by Encik Nasi Lemak,
Everybody queues up
for his nasi lemak,
all things remaining equal,
with 5 minutes queuing time
and 10 minutes eating time,
every 15 minutes,
there will be a new seat available!!!
If everything goes according to
the Game Theory,
Encik Nasi Lemak
needs just 2 seats
to keep his business going
for 2 hours of lunch
to serve 22 customers!!!
And he probably has
about 25 seats!!!
So why does Encik Nasi Lemak
have a problem
seating his clients?
Its the tissue paper seat grabbers.
I guess the basic problem
is it is against human nature
to think of costs and benefits
from overall perspective.
We think only of benefits
and lay the costs
to others.
When it costs us,
we think of only our own benefits.
If the tissue paper seat grabbers
can realise that,
it is totally unproductive
to leave a packet of tissue paper
on the table,
serving no nasi lemak client,
whilst they queue up,
and that it has hardly any benefits,
whilst the cost,
is borned
by other clients
notwithstanding Encik Nasi Lemak.
Only humans,
exhibit this tendency
to reserve.
Animals never do.
They hunt
only when they're hungry.
They are inborn
with the Game Theory.
Its so easy,
to make this world
a nicer place
to live.
0940 HRS MAY 22ND 2007
Life is good.
Maybe not great,
but sure as hell
could be alot worse.
I am happy,
I know I can be happier,
but that hardly matters
anymore.
I am one lucky guy,
I may not have achieved
somethings I dreamt of,
but I have to take responsibility
for my part of the blame.
As it is,
life have afforded me
plenty of comforts
and some luxuries,
a million men would
gladly swap places.
I loved 3 beautiful women
in my life,
I may feel robbed
of experiencing fatherhood,
but there are people
who die without
experiencing love,
I've done it 3 times.
I absorb full responsibility
for being both
blind and stupid
for making wrong choices
in my relationships.
But enough
of feeling sorry
for myself.
I've cut huge losses
before in my life,
another woman walking out
is just another cut loss.
Its nobody's fault
but my own,
that I chose
to focus my efforts
on money grabbing
gold digging sluts.
Once responsibility
for the failure
has been absorbed,
blame can be absolved.
No time for regrets,
Life is too good
to be living
in the past.
Memories are
for the dead,
not the living.
Peace resides only
in the cemetry.
Life is for
the Living
Maybe not great,
but sure as hell
could be alot worse.
I am happy,
I know I can be happier,
but that hardly matters
anymore.
I am one lucky guy,
I may not have achieved
somethings I dreamt of,
but I have to take responsibility
for my part of the blame.
As it is,
life have afforded me
plenty of comforts
and some luxuries,
a million men would
gladly swap places.
I loved 3 beautiful women
in my life,
I may feel robbed
of experiencing fatherhood,
but there are people
who die without
experiencing love,
I've done it 3 times.
I absorb full responsibility
for being both
blind and stupid
for making wrong choices
in my relationships.
But enough
of feeling sorry
for myself.
I've cut huge losses
before in my life,
another woman walking out
is just another cut loss.
Its nobody's fault
but my own,
that I chose
to focus my efforts
on money grabbing
gold digging sluts.
Once responsibility
for the failure
has been absorbed,
blame can be absolved.
No time for regrets,
Life is too good
to be living
in the past.
Memories are
for the dead,
not the living.
Peace resides only
in the cemetry.
Life is for
the Living
20070521
1145 HRS MAY 21ST 2007
Its hard for me
to understand,
this emotional dependency
people call Love.
Some people
seem to think of love
as wanting to be together
with their partners
all day long.
They just want to cuddle
as much as humanly possible.
Well, I do cuddle
my cat too.
But is that love?
Some of them like the feeling
of their heart skipping a beat,
when they see their partners.
I think of that sort of feeling
as juvenile,
last experienced
as a teenager
25 years ago.
Love have to be
more than just a feeling.
Heart skipping a beat
or wanting physical intimacy
is no more than just
a passion,
and passion seldom lasts.
It is probably
just a good start
for actual love to grow.
I wonder if people
are really in love,
or just in love with
the whole idea of being
in love.
I think of love
as a living thing,
as my partner
being part of my overall personality.
Where together,
we develop and grow
spiritually as humans.
But we cannot grow,
if we're so dependent
on each other's presence.
We go on with our individual lives
as independent people,
but nourish our souls
when we're together.
We still have our lives
with our individual families,
we still have our lives
with our individual friends.
Ah well,
the fuck I know
to understand,
this emotional dependency
people call Love.
Some people
seem to think of love
as wanting to be together
with their partners
all day long.
They just want to cuddle
as much as humanly possible.
Well, I do cuddle
my cat too.
But is that love?
Some of them like the feeling
of their heart skipping a beat,
when they see their partners.
I think of that sort of feeling
as juvenile,
last experienced
as a teenager
25 years ago.
Love have to be
more than just a feeling.
Heart skipping a beat
or wanting physical intimacy
is no more than just
a passion,
and passion seldom lasts.
It is probably
just a good start
for actual love to grow.
I wonder if people
are really in love,
or just in love with
the whole idea of being
in love.
I think of love
as a living thing,
as my partner
being part of my overall personality.
Where together,
we develop and grow
spiritually as humans.
But we cannot grow,
if we're so dependent
on each other's presence.
We go on with our individual lives
as independent people,
but nourish our souls
when we're together.
We still have our lives
with our individual families,
we still have our lives
with our individual friends.
Ah well,
the fuck I know
20070518
1340 HRS MAY 18th 2007
Its strange how people
always tell me,
women are sentimental people.
The entire premise
of that John Gray's book
"Men from Mars Women from Venus"
is based on
Men are egoistical
Women are emotional.
I can't say that is
totally untrue,
but I've seen many
Men who are emotional,
Women who are egoistical.
Somehow when a woman
is in love with you,
she is all over you,
like cheese is all over pizza.
No matter how busy she is
at the office,
she will pause for a while
to think about you,
and her heart
will be filled
with this nice
warm and fuzzy feeling.
When she is out of love,
she doesn't have time for you,
and when she actually thinks
about you,
she feels sick
and makes her wanna pop
her anti-nausea pills.
You to her,
is like Avian flu virus
to chickens,
or Colonel Sanders.
Wallow in your hurt, misery
grief and anguish,
but never never never
try to make her change her mind
once she has a change of heart.
Women are the
most unsentimental animals
once they've changed their hearts.
For God's sakes,
please don't beg,
don't grovel.
All it does,
is boost her ego
and hardened her resolve
to dump you.
Actually I believe,
the grovelling
only serves
to entertain her
a little bit.
always tell me,
women are sentimental people.
The entire premise
of that John Gray's book
"Men from Mars Women from Venus"
is based on
Men are egoistical
Women are emotional.
I can't say that is
totally untrue,
but I've seen many
Men who are emotional,
Women who are egoistical.
Somehow when a woman
is in love with you,
she is all over you,
like cheese is all over pizza.
No matter how busy she is
at the office,
she will pause for a while
to think about you,
and her heart
will be filled
with this nice
warm and fuzzy feeling.
When she is out of love,
she doesn't have time for you,
and when she actually thinks
about you,
she feels sick
and makes her wanna pop
her anti-nausea pills.
You to her,
is like Avian flu virus
to chickens,
or Colonel Sanders.
Wallow in your hurt, misery
grief and anguish,
but never never never
try to make her change her mind
once she has a change of heart.
Women are the
most unsentimental animals
once they've changed their hearts.
For God's sakes,
please don't beg,
don't grovel.
All it does,
is boost her ego
and hardened her resolve
to dump you.
Actually I believe,
the grovelling
only serves
to entertain her
a little bit.
20070517
1025 HRS MAY 17TH 2007
I was bored in the office,
as usual,
googled "Law of Attraction"
out of curiosity.
The basic concept is
derived from Quantum mechanics,
the premisse of
"like attracts like".
Extrapolated further,
you get what you think about,
whether wanted or unwanted.
All matter and energy
are attracted
to that which is of its
similiar or identical vibration.
It therefore follows that,
if I want money and health,
as long as I think enough
of money and health,
surely money and health
will follow.
Can it be that simple?
Why aren't we awashed
with good looking billionaires
fit enough to run circles
around Singapore then?
Let's assume
I fully suscribe to
the Law of Attraction.
If I were to wish
for money and health,
and spend all my time
and energy,
deliberately trying
to attract
money and health
vibrations,
I think I have just conceded,
that the reason
why I was wishing
money and health is
precisely because
I LACK money and health.
That lack
will be the predominant emotion,
it is that lack
that will cause
further like vibrations,
and therefore
that lack
to further create
more lack.
as usual,
googled "Law of Attraction"
out of curiosity.
The basic concept is
derived from Quantum mechanics,
the premisse of
"like attracts like".
Extrapolated further,
you get what you think about,
whether wanted or unwanted.
All matter and energy
are attracted
to that which is of its
similiar or identical vibration.
It therefore follows that,
if I want money and health,
as long as I think enough
of money and health,
surely money and health
will follow.
Can it be that simple?
Why aren't we awashed
with good looking billionaires
fit enough to run circles
around Singapore then?
Let's assume
I fully suscribe to
the Law of Attraction.
If I were to wish
for money and health,
and spend all my time
and energy,
deliberately trying
to attract
money and health
vibrations,
I think I have just conceded,
that the reason
why I was wishing
money and health is
precisely because
I LACK money and health.
That lack
will be the predominant emotion,
it is that lack
that will cause
further like vibrations,
and therefore
that lack
to further create
more lack.
20070515
1055 HRS MAY 15TH 2007
If there is anything at all
this we learnt from history,
is that
we never learnt anything
from history
at all.
I suspect
it is against human nature
to learn from
the bad experiences
of others.
The high rate
of delinquency
amongst children
from broken families,
is a well documented fact
and both common knowledge
and common sense.
But I see parents repeatedly
subjecting their children
through this trauma
at very impressionable ages
of their kids' lives,
because they tell their husbands
the standard end of story
"I do not love you anymore".
It is frightening
when love goes bad.
Somehow, a wife
can see absolutely nothing good
in her husband,
absolutely none whatsover.
The things that used to endear
suddenly becomes
a constant source
of irritation.
Tender loving care
suddenly gets perceived
as needy and clingy
or no fucking backbone.
Saving the marriage,
is actually counter productive
for him.
Everything he does
is wrong.
Everything he didn't do
is also wrong.
Even if he strikes TOTO today
and becomes an instant milionaire,
by tomorrow she'd be cursing
its only one million.
When she can spend hours
at marriage counselling,
with a closed mind
and closed heart.
She showed up
only to ease
her conscience
that for the record,
she did try
to save the marriage,
she even went
for counselling.
She rather be
somewhere else,
like in the arms
of somebody else,
anybody else
but him.
Will she live to regret
the decision?
Her friends and family
may despair,
but certainly not her.
Like my ex-wife once said,
"Even if I live to regret
my decision,
I know it is something
I have to do,
I don't want to live
the rest of my life
wondering what could
have been"
Hell cannot stop
the curiosity
or determination
of a woman
who wants to know
what is life outside
her marriage.
And they will always
rationalise their decisions.
7 years later,
my ex-wife
bought a 3 room HDB flat
with my money.
Please lah,
wanna find angmor
find one that will
at least pay for housing la,
still gotta need your ex-husband
to house you.
I feel alive now
she said.
My elder sister's son
is a school drop out,
after being savagely beaten up
by her butch lover
(actually became a police case).
But my two daughters are ok
she said.
Its not mine to judge,
if you can't find happiness
in our marriage,
please go find your happiness
elsewhere.
No point staying unhappy
in this marriage,
for whatever reason
you're staying
and punishing me
for the rest
of my life.
This house of mine
is not a prison,
you're welcome to
stay or go
if you wish.
If you think so poorly of me,
I owe it to myself,
to savage whatever's left
of my dignity
and self respect
to let you go.
In fact,
I'd even
pack your bags
for you.
this we learnt from history,
is that
we never learnt anything
from history
at all.
I suspect
it is against human nature
to learn from
the bad experiences
of others.
The high rate
of delinquency
amongst children
from broken families,
is a well documented fact
and both common knowledge
and common sense.
But I see parents repeatedly
subjecting their children
through this trauma
at very impressionable ages
of their kids' lives,
because they tell their husbands
the standard end of story
"I do not love you anymore".
It is frightening
when love goes bad.
Somehow, a wife
can see absolutely nothing good
in her husband,
absolutely none whatsover.
The things that used to endear
suddenly becomes
a constant source
of irritation.
Tender loving care
suddenly gets perceived
as needy and clingy
or no fucking backbone.
Saving the marriage,
is actually counter productive
for him.
Everything he does
is wrong.
Everything he didn't do
is also wrong.
Even if he strikes TOTO today
and becomes an instant milionaire,
by tomorrow she'd be cursing
its only one million.
When she can spend hours
at marriage counselling,
with a closed mind
and closed heart.
She showed up
only to ease
her conscience
that for the record,
she did try
to save the marriage,
she even went
for counselling.
She rather be
somewhere else,
like in the arms
of somebody else,
anybody else
but him.
Will she live to regret
the decision?
Her friends and family
may despair,
but certainly not her.
Like my ex-wife once said,
"Even if I live to regret
my decision,
I know it is something
I have to do,
I don't want to live
the rest of my life
wondering what could
have been"
Hell cannot stop
the curiosity
or determination
of a woman
who wants to know
what is life outside
her marriage.
And they will always
rationalise their decisions.
7 years later,
my ex-wife
bought a 3 room HDB flat
with my money.
Please lah,
wanna find angmor
find one that will
at least pay for housing la,
still gotta need your ex-husband
to house you.
I feel alive now
she said.
My elder sister's son
is a school drop out,
after being savagely beaten up
by her butch lover
(actually became a police case).
But my two daughters are ok
she said.
Its not mine to judge,
if you can't find happiness
in our marriage,
please go find your happiness
elsewhere.
No point staying unhappy
in this marriage,
for whatever reason
you're staying
and punishing me
for the rest
of my life.
This house of mine
is not a prison,
you're welcome to
stay or go
if you wish.
If you think so poorly of me,
I owe it to myself,
to savage whatever's left
of my dignity
and self respect
to let you go.
In fact,
I'd even
pack your bags
for you.
20070513
1455 HRS MAY13TH 2007
The other day,
I went to see my Dad.
Suddenly,
in his senility,
a brief moment
of serendipity
burst forth.
He commanded me,
"Boon who bullied you?"
"Nobody bullied me Dad"
"Who bully you, you must tell me OK?"
"OK Dad, I'll tell you, don't worry"
It struck me,
that I had this same conversation
with him 36 years ago,
when I was in Primary 1.
He was 43 years old then,
I am 43 years old now.
The powerful coincidence
both thrilled my imagination,
but saddened my consciousness.
Because I realised,
his consciousness has reverted
to a time,
when he was a younger
43 year old
strong and protective father,
and I was a small 7 year old kid,
unable to fend for myself.
Somehow,
in his senility,
his consciousness
had gone back,
like as though time
was frozen
in the peak
of his life.
He may not be
the best Daddy in the world,
but he sure was
the best Daddy he knew how.
I've always known him,
to be a big eater,
afterall he was a stout
and powerfully strapped man
with big broad shoulders.
But when we ate together
as a family,
I always realised,
he was happier
just to watch
the family eating.
He gained far more pleasure
watching us partake
of the food he provided,
than pleasure
from the meal itself.
His life,
was one of
unrelentless giving
to his family.
As I wonder,
in the senility
of his day,
where does his
consciousness revisit?
Clearly, the times
when he could give and give,
and expect or want nothing
in return.
Why was I thrilled
by this conincidence
that I so happen
to be 43 now?
Because,
it is a little miracle
by itself.
I would like to believe
Dad said that to me
on purpose,
knowing
I am at the age,
he was then.
He wanted to tell me,
that one day,
when I am bed ridden
and my consciousness,
clutching on
to what I used to be,
I would have no regrets,
because
I gave and gave,
to people that matter,
like the way he did.
That I led my life,
making each single day count,
because he taught me,
there is far more meaning
to giving
than taking.
Relax Dad,
you can rest well.
Because you have taught
me well.
I went to see my Dad.
Suddenly,
in his senility,
a brief moment
of serendipity
burst forth.
He commanded me,
"Boon who bullied you?"
"Nobody bullied me Dad"
"Who bully you, you must tell me OK?"
"OK Dad, I'll tell you, don't worry"
It struck me,
that I had this same conversation
with him 36 years ago,
when I was in Primary 1.
He was 43 years old then,
I am 43 years old now.
The powerful coincidence
both thrilled my imagination,
but saddened my consciousness.
Because I realised,
his consciousness has reverted
to a time,
when he was a younger
43 year old
strong and protective father,
and I was a small 7 year old kid,
unable to fend for myself.
Somehow,
in his senility,
his consciousness
had gone back,
like as though time
was frozen
in the peak
of his life.
He may not be
the best Daddy in the world,
but he sure was
the best Daddy he knew how.
I've always known him,
to be a big eater,
afterall he was a stout
and powerfully strapped man
with big broad shoulders.
But when we ate together
as a family,
I always realised,
he was happier
just to watch
the family eating.
He gained far more pleasure
watching us partake
of the food he provided,
than pleasure
from the meal itself.
His life,
was one of
unrelentless giving
to his family.
As I wonder,
in the senility
of his day,
where does his
consciousness revisit?
Clearly, the times
when he could give and give,
and expect or want nothing
in return.
Why was I thrilled
by this conincidence
that I so happen
to be 43 now?
Because,
it is a little miracle
by itself.
I would like to believe
Dad said that to me
on purpose,
knowing
I am at the age,
he was then.
He wanted to tell me,
that one day,
when I am bed ridden
and my consciousness,
clutching on
to what I used to be,
I would have no regrets,
because
I gave and gave,
to people that matter,
like the way he did.
That I led my life,
making each single day count,
because he taught me,
there is far more meaning
to giving
than taking.
Relax Dad,
you can rest well.
Because you have taught
me well.
20070511
2310 HRS MAY 11TH 2007
I think of
any relationship between
two people,
be it romantic
or platonic,
based on two crucial
building blocks.
TRUST
and
RESPECT.
Don't get me wrong,
I did love you before.
But love is freely given.
Trust and Respect
have to be earned.
So I no longer love you,
can we be friends,
based on a shared past?
Think about it,
you're someone
whom completely
betrayed my trust,
more than once,
consistently.
You whom had
abandoned me
for your bigger
better deal.
And I lose respect
for people
whom betrayed my trust.
So how are we left?
Can we still be friends?
Sure I can forgive,
but historically,
when I lose
my trust and respect,
not one have ever
gained my trust and respect
again.
None.
Maybe they did not
try hard enough.
You're welcome
to try.
In fact,
the onus
is on you,
to try to earn
my trust and respect again.
But until then,
you're not a friend.
Just somebody
that I used
to love.
any relationship between
two people,
be it romantic
or platonic,
based on two crucial
building blocks.
TRUST
and
RESPECT.
Don't get me wrong,
I did love you before.
But love is freely given.
Trust and Respect
have to be earned.
So I no longer love you,
can we be friends,
based on a shared past?
Think about it,
you're someone
whom completely
betrayed my trust,
more than once,
consistently.
You whom had
abandoned me
for your bigger
better deal.
And I lose respect
for people
whom betrayed my trust.
So how are we left?
Can we still be friends?
Sure I can forgive,
but historically,
when I lose
my trust and respect,
not one have ever
gained my trust and respect
again.
None.
Maybe they did not
try hard enough.
You're welcome
to try.
In fact,
the onus
is on you,
to try to earn
my trust and respect again.
But until then,
you're not a friend.
Just somebody
that I used
to love.
1140 HRS MAY 11TH 2007
Singapore politics
is just so funny.
Funnier still
is how Singaporeans believe
every single thing
they read in the Shit Times.
We have ministers being paid
$100,000 a month,
saying they should be paid
$200,000 a month,
otherwise they would be
businessmen
in the private sector.
My company better start
paying me
$1,000,000 a month too
otherwise I will play football
for Manchester United.
My company better start
paying our Kopi Ah Soh,
$1,000,000 a month too,
otherwise she will start
an acting career with
Jessica Alba.
My point is,
if you PAP politicians
actually believe,
you can make it good
as businessmen
in the private sector,
just why the hell fuck
did you go into politics
in the first place?
The most likely reason is,
the politicians knew
deep down in their hearts,
they lack the business acumen
to make it in business.
If I knew,
I stood half a chance
to be selected by
Manchester United,
do you think,
I'd even bother
to go into
the finance industry?
For that matter,
just how many
of these government scholars
actually succeeded in business?
Ask Ho Ching.
is just so funny.
Funnier still
is how Singaporeans believe
every single thing
they read in the Shit Times.
We have ministers being paid
$100,000 a month,
saying they should be paid
$200,000 a month,
otherwise they would be
businessmen
in the private sector.
My company better start
paying me
$1,000,000 a month too
otherwise I will play football
for Manchester United.
My company better start
paying our Kopi Ah Soh,
$1,000,000 a month too,
otherwise she will start
an acting career with
Jessica Alba.
My point is,
if you PAP politicians
actually believe,
you can make it good
as businessmen
in the private sector,
just why the hell fuck
did you go into politics
in the first place?
The most likely reason is,
the politicians knew
deep down in their hearts,
they lack the business acumen
to make it in business.
If I knew,
I stood half a chance
to be selected by
Manchester United,
do you think,
I'd even bother
to go into
the finance industry?
For that matter,
just how many
of these government scholars
actually succeeded in business?
Ask Ho Ching.
20070510
2225 HRS MAY 10TH 2007
Living with Schizophrenia.
It took me a long time,
to want to write about
this affliction of mine
that I've been living with
for 7 years now.
As in virtually all mental illness,
I doubt schizophrenia
is fully understood
by medical science.
My own experiences
made me derive my own prognosis
which maybe radically different
from those of mainstream psychiatry.
It started 7 years ago
24th June 2000,
when my ex-wife left me,
and I came back
to an empty house.
The initial shock
led to severe depression
and led me to drink,
the weed killer
from the garden.
I suspect
the combination
of poison and depression,
permanently altered
the chemical balance
in my head
and I started hearing
voices
and seeing delusions
thereafter.
I said permanently
because unfortunately
brain cells do not regenerate
unlike other cells
of the body.
Ultimately,
it is the result
of an overactive mind
in unoccupied circumstances
that often lead
to delusionary attacks.
The starting point,
is almost always,
a disturbed state of mind
in emotional turmoil.
I've learnt,
that human emotions
are impossible
to suppress.
They always resurface
in another form,
almost always
more destructive.
In my case,
my subconsciousness
created a parallel universe
for me to escape
reality of living.
In my murky world
of subconsciousness,
my mind somehow distilled,
my two alter egos,
good and evil.
Before I learnt,
that it was schizophrenia,
that I was dealing with,
I entertained those delusions.
I had hours of conversations,
with my two alter egos.
The good, I called Daniel,
the voice of my conscience.
The evil, I called Lu,
short of Lucifer.
I used to sit down,
and had wonderfully intellectual debates,
with the two of them,
until I totally exhausted myself.
They will reappear
everytime I was alone
and I actually welcomed
their presence
as though I was meeting
old friends.
Together, we would
analyse, hypothesize,
theorerize
Life in itself.
Later on, at the advise
of my psychiatrist,
I was told to avoid
these delusions.
The danger is,
at one point,
in severe cases
of Schizophrenia,
I may lose the ability
to differentiate
between delusions
and reality,
and remain
permanently
in the world of delusions.
I was administered
this horrible medication
called Risperdal.
My own unfortunate experiences
with Risperdal
were two fold.
It does indeed instill
mental calm,
and nothing can ever upset me
in that state of peacefulness
and calm.
Risperdal's life cycle
is 24 hours,
and I was supposed to take
ONE tablet a day.
But the problem is,
the body gets accustomed
very quickly,
and that life cycle
gets shorter
every single day.
The nightmare is
when Risperdal's life cycle
wears off.
The delusions come back
a hundred times worse.
I would be seized,
in a state
of utter fear
and paranoia.
A constant state of anxiety
and panic attacks.
The delusions,
by now Daniel is gone,
and Lu plus a thousand others,
will mock and laugh at me,
hurl insults,
asking me to jump off
the 11th floor
of my apartment.
There were times,
I wanted to jump off,
just to silence them.
My medication went from
ONE tablet of Risperdal
to FOUR tablets a day.
I knew,
I was getting hopelessly addicted
to Risperdal.
I locked myself,
in a hotel room,
in Batam,
for 3 days
to totally wean myself off
from my addiction.
For 3 days,
I battled with my delusions,
till the after effects of Risperdal,
disappeared from my system
totally.
Now, having learnt
that chemically induced calmness
dispels my delusions,
if follows that
if I can self induce
my own calmness,
it will dispel delusions too.
I learnt that,
the moral support
of loved ones,
family and friends
help better than any
available medication.
In the absence of that,
I suppose religion
is a great healer too.
Unfortunately,
I often lacked the faith
to believe in
any organised religion
wholeheartedly at least.
I don't think this affliction
will ever go away
completely.
I've learnt to cope,
by being focussed
mentally
or physically,
such that my mind
will not have a chance
to allow delusions back in.
It is presumptous
to expect
that I will not face any form
of adversity
in life's paths
to cause a recurrance
of my chemical imbalances.
It helps to take life
with equanimity
and a stoic outlook.
I've learnt that for me,
the delusionary trigger
is almost always
fear.
Fear of failure, fear of betrayal.
I am generally successful
in most aspects of life,
my biggest failures
have been my relationship
with women.
And these days,
the delusions will mock, gloat
and laugh hysterically,
at my relationship failures,
undermining
my own perception
of myself,
devastating all
my confidence.
But I've learnt
to exhaust myself physically
by constant activity,
or keep my mind distracted
by reading or any other
activity that demands
total concentration.
But if you have friends
or family,
with this affliction
of Schizophrenia,
and they lack
the capacity or ability
to help themselves,
I would say,
nothing beats
the reassuring environment
that love from friends
and family
can provide.
It took me a long time,
to want to write about
this affliction of mine
that I've been living with
for 7 years now.
As in virtually all mental illness,
I doubt schizophrenia
is fully understood
by medical science.
My own experiences
made me derive my own prognosis
which maybe radically different
from those of mainstream psychiatry.
It started 7 years ago
24th June 2000,
when my ex-wife left me,
and I came back
to an empty house.
The initial shock
led to severe depression
and led me to drink,
the weed killer
from the garden.
I suspect
the combination
of poison and depression,
permanently altered
the chemical balance
in my head
and I started hearing
voices
and seeing delusions
thereafter.
I said permanently
because unfortunately
brain cells do not regenerate
unlike other cells
of the body.
Ultimately,
it is the result
of an overactive mind
in unoccupied circumstances
that often lead
to delusionary attacks.
The starting point,
is almost always,
a disturbed state of mind
in emotional turmoil.
I've learnt,
that human emotions
are impossible
to suppress.
They always resurface
in another form,
almost always
more destructive.
In my case,
my subconsciousness
created a parallel universe
for me to escape
reality of living.
In my murky world
of subconsciousness,
my mind somehow distilled,
my two alter egos,
good and evil.
Before I learnt,
that it was schizophrenia,
that I was dealing with,
I entertained those delusions.
I had hours of conversations,
with my two alter egos.
The good, I called Daniel,
the voice of my conscience.
The evil, I called Lu,
short of Lucifer.
I used to sit down,
and had wonderfully intellectual debates,
with the two of them,
until I totally exhausted myself.
They will reappear
everytime I was alone
and I actually welcomed
their presence
as though I was meeting
old friends.
Together, we would
analyse, hypothesize,
theorerize
Life in itself.
Later on, at the advise
of my psychiatrist,
I was told to avoid
these delusions.
The danger is,
at one point,
in severe cases
of Schizophrenia,
I may lose the ability
to differentiate
between delusions
and reality,
and remain
permanently
in the world of delusions.
I was administered
this horrible medication
called Risperdal.
My own unfortunate experiences
with Risperdal
were two fold.
It does indeed instill
mental calm,
and nothing can ever upset me
in that state of peacefulness
and calm.
Risperdal's life cycle
is 24 hours,
and I was supposed to take
ONE tablet a day.
But the problem is,
the body gets accustomed
very quickly,
and that life cycle
gets shorter
every single day.
The nightmare is
when Risperdal's life cycle
wears off.
The delusions come back
a hundred times worse.
I would be seized,
in a state
of utter fear
and paranoia.
A constant state of anxiety
and panic attacks.
The delusions,
by now Daniel is gone,
and Lu plus a thousand others,
will mock and laugh at me,
hurl insults,
asking me to jump off
the 11th floor
of my apartment.
There were times,
I wanted to jump off,
just to silence them.
My medication went from
ONE tablet of Risperdal
to FOUR tablets a day.
I knew,
I was getting hopelessly addicted
to Risperdal.
I locked myself,
in a hotel room,
in Batam,
for 3 days
to totally wean myself off
from my addiction.
For 3 days,
I battled with my delusions,
till the after effects of Risperdal,
disappeared from my system
totally.
Now, having learnt
that chemically induced calmness
dispels my delusions,
if follows that
if I can self induce
my own calmness,
it will dispel delusions too.
I learnt that,
the moral support
of loved ones,
family and friends
help better than any
available medication.
In the absence of that,
I suppose religion
is a great healer too.
Unfortunately,
I often lacked the faith
to believe in
any organised religion
wholeheartedly at least.
I don't think this affliction
will ever go away
completely.
I've learnt to cope,
by being focussed
mentally
or physically,
such that my mind
will not have a chance
to allow delusions back in.
It is presumptous
to expect
that I will not face any form
of adversity
in life's paths
to cause a recurrance
of my chemical imbalances.
It helps to take life
with equanimity
and a stoic outlook.
I've learnt that for me,
the delusionary trigger
is almost always
fear.
Fear of failure, fear of betrayal.
I am generally successful
in most aspects of life,
my biggest failures
have been my relationship
with women.
And these days,
the delusions will mock, gloat
and laugh hysterically,
at my relationship failures,
undermining
my own perception
of myself,
devastating all
my confidence.
But I've learnt
to exhaust myself physically
by constant activity,
or keep my mind distracted
by reading or any other
activity that demands
total concentration.
But if you have friends
or family,
with this affliction
of Schizophrenia,
and they lack
the capacity or ability
to help themselves,
I would say,
nothing beats
the reassuring environment
that love from friends
and family
can provide.
20070508
1200 HRS MAY 8TH 2007
Karl Marx wrote in 1859,
“The general conclusion at which I arrived and which, once reached, became the guiding principle of my studies can be summarized as follows. In the social production of their existence, men inevitably enter into definite relations, which are independent of their will, namely relations of production appropriate to a given stage in the development of their material forces of production. The totality of these relations of production constitutes the economic structure of society, the real foundation, on which arises a legal and political superstructure and to which correspond definite forms of social consciousness. The mode of production of material life conditions the general process of social, political and intellectual life. It is not the consciousness of men that determines their existence, but their social existence that determines their consciousness.”
Since,
the consciouness of men,
does not determine
our existence
but
our social existence
determines our consciouness,
it follows that
in this capitalist world,
I should be
no more than
a materialist.
Fuck philosophical idealism.
Fuck political idealism.
Fuck social idealism.
Its the economy STUPID!!!
Therefore the size
of your wallet
that measures
a man.
My contemporaries
can intellectualise all they want,
the answer is still
the same.
Human societies
are a hopeless mess.
The global economy
is contingent on
the American economy,
which in turn is
contingent on
just 30 stocks
on the Dow Jones index.
What is wrong
with this picture?
The Americans
understood Life.
Invest in military hardware
Invest in nuclear weapons.
The rest of the world
will bow at your feet
and throw money at you.
“The general conclusion at which I arrived and which, once reached, became the guiding principle of my studies can be summarized as follows. In the social production of their existence, men inevitably enter into definite relations, which are independent of their will, namely relations of production appropriate to a given stage in the development of their material forces of production. The totality of these relations of production constitutes the economic structure of society, the real foundation, on which arises a legal and political superstructure and to which correspond definite forms of social consciousness. The mode of production of material life conditions the general process of social, political and intellectual life. It is not the consciousness of men that determines their existence, but their social existence that determines their consciousness.”
Since,
the consciouness of men,
does not determine
our existence
but
our social existence
determines our consciouness,
it follows that
in this capitalist world,
I should be
no more than
a materialist.
Fuck philosophical idealism.
Fuck political idealism.
Fuck social idealism.
Its the economy STUPID!!!
Therefore the size
of your wallet
that measures
a man.
My contemporaries
can intellectualise all they want,
the answer is still
the same.
Human societies
are a hopeless mess.
The global economy
is contingent on
the American economy,
which in turn is
contingent on
just 30 stocks
on the Dow Jones index.
What is wrong
with this picture?
The Americans
understood Life.
Invest in military hardware
Invest in nuclear weapons.
The rest of the world
will bow at your feet
and throw money at you.
20070507
1005 HRS MAY 7TH 2007
My dearest friend Ms B,
told me that someone
commited suicide
opposite her block,
plunged to his death apparently.
Somehow that kept me awake
all night, thinking.
I've lived 42 years of life,
I probably have about 30 years or so
to go.
I've passed my half way mark
too late for mid life crisis.
What do I do
with my next 30 years?
How do I make it count
after I bungled and blew away
my first 42 years?
Something is happening
and I don't quite know
what it is.
I do know that
I like to be
by myself recently.
I deliberately opt
for activities
that I can only do
by myself.
Like reading,
swimming,
and cycling.
I've reached a point,
where I really hate to say
HELLO.
Because invariably,
once you've said HELLO,
you'll say GOODBYE.
Either Life itself,
drifts people apart
to a GOODBYE,
or Death
forces the GOODBYE.
Saying HELLO
means
a painful parting
at some point
for me.
The onset of Life itself,
at birth,
is a big HELLO,
and death,
the final GOODBYE
told me that someone
commited suicide
opposite her block,
plunged to his death apparently.
Somehow that kept me awake
all night, thinking.
I've lived 42 years of life,
I probably have about 30 years or so
to go.
I've passed my half way mark
too late for mid life crisis.
What do I do
with my next 30 years?
How do I make it count
after I bungled and blew away
my first 42 years?
Something is happening
and I don't quite know
what it is.
I do know that
I like to be
by myself recently.
I deliberately opt
for activities
that I can only do
by myself.
Like reading,
swimming,
and cycling.
I've reached a point,
where I really hate to say
HELLO.
Because invariably,
once you've said HELLO,
you'll say GOODBYE.
Either Life itself,
drifts people apart
to a GOODBYE,
or Death
forces the GOODBYE.
Saying HELLO
means
a painful parting
at some point
for me.
The onset of Life itself,
at birth,
is a big HELLO,
and death,
the final GOODBYE
20070506
1745 HRS MAY 6TH 2007
Last night,
I attended my nephew's wedding.
Amazing part is,
his young bride,
already has a 4 year old son.
She is barely 25
I guess.
Uncle Mack is a grand uncle now.
I can't help but imagine,
the conversation she had
with my grand nephew
this morning.
"Mummy where were you last night?"
"Mummy got you a new Daddy"
"Mummy what is wrong with the old Daddy?
I like the old one better
I don't want a new Daddy"
"Shut up, its not for you to decide!!!"
"Ok, Mummy, but can the old Daddy
still out his kuku bird in your mouth?
He seems to like it alot"
I attended my nephew's wedding.
Amazing part is,
his young bride,
already has a 4 year old son.
She is barely 25
I guess.
Uncle Mack is a grand uncle now.
I can't help but imagine,
the conversation she had
with my grand nephew
this morning.
"Mummy where were you last night?"
"Mummy got you a new Daddy"
"Mummy what is wrong with the old Daddy?
I like the old one better
I don't want a new Daddy"
"Shut up, its not for you to decide!!!"
"Ok, Mummy, but can the old Daddy
still out his kuku bird in your mouth?
He seems to like it alot"
0925 HRS MAY 6TH 2007
I met a couple of
ex-schoolmates
at a wedding last night.
The proudly declared,
RI boys rule Singapore
ACS boys own Singapore
St Pat's boys enjoy Singapore.
I dunno whether to laugh
or cry.
We came from the biggest
loser school in Singapore
ex-schoolmates
at a wedding last night.
The proudly declared,
RI boys rule Singapore
ACS boys own Singapore
St Pat's boys enjoy Singapore.
I dunno whether to laugh
or cry.
We came from the biggest
loser school in Singapore
20070504
1505 HRS MAY 4TH 2007
I find it impossible sometimes
to talk to Singaporeans.
Only in this country,
can people make comparisons
between a country
and a corporation.
Irregardless
of how ridiculous
the comparison is.
I guess the government here
have done such a great job
in its propaganda machine,
comparing ministerial salaries
to the private sector,
people here feel the liberty
to think of this place
as Singapore INC
rather than
Republic of Singapore.
Just how the hell fuck,
do you compare
an employee
to a citizen?
The relationship
between an employee
and a corporation
is purely economics.
An employee
will be employed
as long as he or she
is economically viable
to the corporation.
Likewise, an employee
will remain loyal
to the corporation
so long as the corporation
serves his or her's
economic needs.
The relationship between
a citizen and his or her country
goes beyond economics.
It is about nationalism
it is about nationhood
about sovereignty.
A citizen can put his life
on the line,
by going to war
for his country.
He does not do it
because he is paid
to risk his life.
In doing so,
it is the country and the government
moral duty and responsibility
to take the citizen's best interests
into account and priority
for all their government's policy makings.
As an employee,
I serve my corporation
because of money.
As a citizen,
I serve my country
because this is my land,
these are my people.
As an employee,
if I am unhappy
with my bosses,
I take my skills
to a rival corporation.
As a citizen,
if I am unhappy
with my government,
it is my right,
to demand changes,
because polices must
be for the overall good
of citizens
and not just an elite group
of politicians
or skewed towards
rich foreigners
who have no vested interests
in this country.
I just don't see how
a patriotic relationship
can be translated
into an economic relationship.
Only in this country
I guess.
to talk to Singaporeans.
Only in this country,
can people make comparisons
between a country
and a corporation.
Irregardless
of how ridiculous
the comparison is.
I guess the government here
have done such a great job
in its propaganda machine,
comparing ministerial salaries
to the private sector,
people here feel the liberty
to think of this place
as Singapore INC
rather than
Republic of Singapore.
Just how the hell fuck,
do you compare
an employee
to a citizen?
The relationship
between an employee
and a corporation
is purely economics.
An employee
will be employed
as long as he or she
is economically viable
to the corporation.
Likewise, an employee
will remain loyal
to the corporation
so long as the corporation
serves his or her's
economic needs.
The relationship between
a citizen and his or her country
goes beyond economics.
It is about nationalism
it is about nationhood
about sovereignty.
A citizen can put his life
on the line,
by going to war
for his country.
He does not do it
because he is paid
to risk his life.
In doing so,
it is the country and the government
moral duty and responsibility
to take the citizen's best interests
into account and priority
for all their government's policy makings.
As an employee,
I serve my corporation
because of money.
As a citizen,
I serve my country
because this is my land,
these are my people.
As an employee,
if I am unhappy
with my bosses,
I take my skills
to a rival corporation.
As a citizen,
if I am unhappy
with my government,
it is my right,
to demand changes,
because polices must
be for the overall good
of citizens
and not just an elite group
of politicians
or skewed towards
rich foreigners
who have no vested interests
in this country.
I just don't see how
a patriotic relationship
can be translated
into an economic relationship.
Only in this country
I guess.
20070503
1700 HRS MAY 3RD 2007
Its strange,
after all that has been
said and done,
all that has been spoken,
the feeling just
isn't right.
I still go through
the night,
tracing our footsteps
from the beginning
until they disappeared
into thin air,
wondering how
our lives
led us there.
empty house,
empty bed,
empty life,
empty.
Words just come easily
to me.
But my words can't
quite describe
the feelings
when you first kissed me
because you thought
I was asleep.
How sincere
I thought you were.
I now wonder
what I loved in you,
and wonder
what you loved in me.
Maybe you just loved
someone else
you were hoping me
to be.
Just how long,
have I been drifting
in your life,
just how long
have I been dreaming
I could get this right.
Even if I tried
with all my might
to be the one
you actually love.
How could it be
any surprise
when you walked out
of my door
for the last time.
Just an empty surprise,
empty.
after all that has been
said and done,
all that has been spoken,
the feeling just
isn't right.
I still go through
the night,
tracing our footsteps
from the beginning
until they disappeared
into thin air,
wondering how
our lives
led us there.
empty house,
empty bed,
empty life,
empty.
Words just come easily
to me.
But my words can't
quite describe
the feelings
when you first kissed me
because you thought
I was asleep.
How sincere
I thought you were.
I now wonder
what I loved in you,
and wonder
what you loved in me.
Maybe you just loved
someone else
you were hoping me
to be.
Just how long,
have I been drifting
in your life,
just how long
have I been dreaming
I could get this right.
Even if I tried
with all my might
to be the one
you actually love.
How could it be
any surprise
when you walked out
of my door
for the last time.
Just an empty surprise,
empty.
1040 HRS May 3RD 2007
Let's stop bullshitting ourselves.
Ours was not
a relationship.
It was no more
than an extended 4 year long
domestic partnership
No more than just
a sleeping arrangement.
Don't you even dare
call me
an ex-boyfriend.
I think of you
as merely a former
fuck buddy
and not very good either.
You treated me
like a lump
of dried out dogshit.
Don't insult the word
Love.
When a woman says
she loves me,
I expect both
her words
and actions
to reflect that love.
On both counts
you failed.
All my life,
I never had a girlfriend,
who did not bother to call
me on my birthday.
Let alone
a birthday gift.
Last Christmas,
I bought you
an LV.
Shortly after,
on your 30th birthday,
I bought you
a Tiffany.
I had them couriered
to Jakarta.
You did not even
have the common courtesy
to call and acknowledge receipt
let alone say thanks.
I was so damn worried
that the shipment
got lost.
It took you 3 days
to answer an sms
from me.
Don't try to ease
your conscience
that you did not leave me
for another man.
You knew this guy
been pursuing you
for months,
you merely kept me
hanging on.
And used rude behaviour
to force me
into a decision.
There is no difference
between leaving me
for another man,
or leaving me
with the intention
of finding another man.
Just get the fuck
and stay the fuck
out of my life.
Ours was not
a relationship.
It was no more
than an extended 4 year long
domestic partnership
No more than just
a sleeping arrangement.
Don't you even dare
call me
an ex-boyfriend.
I think of you
as merely a former
fuck buddy
and not very good either.
You treated me
like a lump
of dried out dogshit.
Don't insult the word
Love.
When a woman says
she loves me,
I expect both
her words
and actions
to reflect that love.
On both counts
you failed.
All my life,
I never had a girlfriend,
who did not bother to call
me on my birthday.
Let alone
a birthday gift.
Last Christmas,
I bought you
an LV.
Shortly after,
on your 30th birthday,
I bought you
a Tiffany.
I had them couriered
to Jakarta.
You did not even
have the common courtesy
to call and acknowledge receipt
let alone say thanks.
I was so damn worried
that the shipment
got lost.
It took you 3 days
to answer an sms
from me.
Don't try to ease
your conscience
that you did not leave me
for another man.
You knew this guy
been pursuing you
for months,
you merely kept me
hanging on.
And used rude behaviour
to force me
into a decision.
There is no difference
between leaving me
for another man,
or leaving me
with the intention
of finding another man.
Just get the fuck
and stay the fuck
out of my life.
20070502
1625 HRS MAY 2ND 2007
Javier Mascherano,
you're a monster.
You were fucking immense
last night.
You broke up their game,
shackled their runs,
tackled their legs,
and yet found time
to launch quick
counter-attacks.
Your crossfield passes
to the wings,
were a joy
to behold.
You had a yellow card
which would have
ruled you out
of the Final,
but you never cared.
You flew in
with your well timed
tackles
and perfect interceptions.
You just had to
do your job last night,
to hell with the Final,
let someone else
do the job.
You fucking rule
you little Argentinian warlord,
I love you to bits.
If it was up to me,
I would have given you
the Falkland Islands,
without a fight.
Thanks for adding on,
to the greatest nights
of my life.
you're a monster.
You were fucking immense
last night.
You broke up their game,
shackled their runs,
tackled their legs,
and yet found time
to launch quick
counter-attacks.
Your crossfield passes
to the wings,
were a joy
to behold.
You had a yellow card
which would have
ruled you out
of the Final,
but you never cared.
You flew in
with your well timed
tackles
and perfect interceptions.
You just had to
do your job last night,
to hell with the Final,
let someone else
do the job.
You fucking rule
you little Argentinian warlord,
I love you to bits.
If it was up to me,
I would have given you
the Falkland Islands,
without a fight.
Thanks for adding on,
to the greatest nights
of my life.
20070430
0215 HRS APRIL 30TH 2007
I can't sleep.
I tried but kept feeling
a strange out of the body
experience.
I felt myself
leaving my own body,
and looking at the man
that I am,
and trying to be
the man that
I want to be.
I've been bitter,
that I've tried so hard
to win love
but only lost,
all that I worked for
in life,
I had no one
to share with.
All that I am
was not good enough,
my love
was not good enough.
I longed for
the acceptance
of one woman,
whom I will love
as she loves me.
She loves me,
not only for the man
that I am,
but also the man
that I want to be.
A kind, happy, gentle,
self-assured,
righteous,
calm, peaceful
quietly confident man.
It does not matter
how many times
love have failed me.
Love is always new.
It can take me to heaven
or it can take me to hell,
but it always take me
some place new.
I have to accept
the gift of love,
because it nourishes
Life.
I cannot be enslaved,
by the failures
of my past.
I cannot judge
my future loves
by the sufferings
of my past.
Each new love,
writes its own rules,
its own book.
Love is good,
no matter where
it comes from.
If I reject love,
my soul dies
a slow death,
because I lacked
the courage
to pluck
the fruits of love
from the tree of Life.
Love is Life.
I tried but kept feeling
a strange out of the body
experience.
I felt myself
leaving my own body,
and looking at the man
that I am,
and trying to be
the man that
I want to be.
I've been bitter,
that I've tried so hard
to win love
but only lost,
all that I worked for
in life,
I had no one
to share with.
All that I am
was not good enough,
my love
was not good enough.
I longed for
the acceptance
of one woman,
whom I will love
as she loves me.
She loves me,
not only for the man
that I am,
but also the man
that I want to be.
A kind, happy, gentle,
self-assured,
righteous,
calm, peaceful
quietly confident man.
It does not matter
how many times
love have failed me.
Love is always new.
It can take me to heaven
or it can take me to hell,
but it always take me
some place new.
I have to accept
the gift of love,
because it nourishes
Life.
I cannot be enslaved,
by the failures
of my past.
I cannot judge
my future loves
by the sufferings
of my past.
Each new love,
writes its own rules,
its own book.
Love is good,
no matter where
it comes from.
If I reject love,
my soul dies
a slow death,
because I lacked
the courage
to pluck
the fruits of love
from the tree of Life.
Love is Life.
20070429
1305 HRS APRIL 29TH 2007
I have difficulties
understanding women
or people in general.
I have alot more respect
for animals
than people.
Women in marriages
or relationships,
have a tendency
to outgrow their men
over the years.
It reaches a stage
when they think
deep down,
but will never admit
that they're too good
for their men.
They go around complaining
about their men
to others,
making themselves
seem like such
sad and pathetic
victims
of their monstrous men.
But I have never really met
a real monster in my life.
Neither have I really met
a real angel in my life
for that matter.
Everybody is about
the same,
take away some strengths
and some weaknessess.
So women leave their partners
for two reasons,
(1) they have a better alternative
(2) they have the INTENTION
to find a better alternative.
Both of which I find
equally wrong.
Some actually bullshit themselves
that they're more comfortable
being by themselves,
that they do not need
a man in their lives.
But yet when someone new
walks into their lives,
they get all excited,
hence they fall under
the intention category.
I do not believe,
that there exists
a perfect couple
made in Heaven.
If a woman wants
a better alternative,
no matter how
happy the marriage may be,
I bet you every single cent
I ever owned,
a better alternative
WILL appear
in their lives.
It is not IF
but only WHEN.
The ultimate sin
in any marriage or relationship,
is COMPARISON.
When you do not stop comparing,
someone will walk in,
and make your partner
look like some sad citizen
from Republic of Losers.
We think we're smart
and modern.
But our forefathers,
had all the answers.
The reality is
when you made a commitment
you stick by it,
for better or worse.
You stopped loving your partner,
you hang in there,
because love is such that
at some point,
you will find reasons
to fall in love
with your partner again.
We fail to realise
that love is
very cyclical in nature.
If we hang around
during the downs,
it will go up again,
at some point,
if two people
make a conscious effort
to think about
what got them together
in the first place,
what kept them together
in the second place,
and decide that
they owe it to themselves
to find a reason
to love again.
understanding women
or people in general.
I have alot more respect
for animals
than people.
Women in marriages
or relationships,
have a tendency
to outgrow their men
over the years.
It reaches a stage
when they think
deep down,
but will never admit
that they're too good
for their men.
They go around complaining
about their men
to others,
making themselves
seem like such
sad and pathetic
victims
of their monstrous men.
But I have never really met
a real monster in my life.
Neither have I really met
a real angel in my life
for that matter.
Everybody is about
the same,
take away some strengths
and some weaknessess.
So women leave their partners
for two reasons,
(1) they have a better alternative
(2) they have the INTENTION
to find a better alternative.
Both of which I find
equally wrong.
Some actually bullshit themselves
that they're more comfortable
being by themselves,
that they do not need
a man in their lives.
But yet when someone new
walks into their lives,
they get all excited,
hence they fall under
the intention category.
I do not believe,
that there exists
a perfect couple
made in Heaven.
If a woman wants
a better alternative,
no matter how
happy the marriage may be,
I bet you every single cent
I ever owned,
a better alternative
WILL appear
in their lives.
It is not IF
but only WHEN.
The ultimate sin
in any marriage or relationship,
is COMPARISON.
When you do not stop comparing,
someone will walk in,
and make your partner
look like some sad citizen
from Republic of Losers.
We think we're smart
and modern.
But our forefathers,
had all the answers.
The reality is
when you made a commitment
you stick by it,
for better or worse.
You stopped loving your partner,
you hang in there,
because love is such that
at some point,
you will find reasons
to fall in love
with your partner again.
We fail to realise
that love is
very cyclical in nature.
If we hang around
during the downs,
it will go up again,
at some point,
if two people
make a conscious effort
to think about
what got them together
in the first place,
what kept them together
in the second place,
and decide that
they owe it to themselves
to find a reason
to love again.
20070426
1340 HRS APRIL 26TH 2007
I've been having
troubled sleep
for weeks now.
I usually drink
till I'm a bit drunk
and then go
to bed.
Last 3 days,
I've stopped drinking,
and going to bed
is more probably
more torture
than death itself.
Last night,
I kept asking myself
two questions.
(1) If I can
turn back the clock
and relive
one single day
from my past
which day,
would it be?
(2) If I was told
I have just one
more day to live,
who would I
choose to spend
my last day with?
Maybe I'm dying
troubled sleep
for weeks now.
I usually drink
till I'm a bit drunk
and then go
to bed.
Last 3 days,
I've stopped drinking,
and going to bed
is more probably
more torture
than death itself.
Last night,
I kept asking myself
two questions.
(1) If I can
turn back the clock
and relive
one single day
from my past
which day,
would it be?
(2) If I was told
I have just one
more day to live,
who would I
choose to spend
my last day with?
Maybe I'm dying
20070425
2150 HRS APRIL 25TH 2007
Two days ago,
I took my boat out.
I had no idea,
where I was headed.
The sun was blazing hot
as the sea reflects
the sunlight
onto my face.
Somehow I sailed into
Sungei Rengit,
the scene
of so many
happy memories.
I was here
with her once,
I bought seafood,
crabs, lobsters, fish
and under
the midnight moon,
we ate
and drank wine
on the open deck
of the boat.
We chatted
until the wee hours
of the morning
right in the swamplands
of the Malaysian jungle,
only the sound
of cicadas
and crickets
in the swamps,
and glow of
fireflies
in the bushes.
I was drunk
and careless,
I lost my bearings
and navigated wrong.
We were lost
in the darkness
of the Malaysian jungle.
I prayed to God,
I probably deserved death
for all the sins against Him.
But please spare
the girl that I loved,
she should not bear
the sins of
my punishment.
I never prayed so hard
in my life,
because it was out of love
for her that I prayed
for our survival.
I was running
dangerously low
on fuel,
and I feared
tree snakes above
the canopy of branches
over the river,
and the wild crocodiles
that lurked beneath.
Miraculously,
I found my way out
of the swamps.
Thanks be to God
for his mercies
on me.
I could not stop laughing
in sheer joy
that we survived
this ordeal,
went back to the marina,
and made love
till we passed out.
As I surveyed
the same swamplands,
the memories
came back,
and laughter turned
into tears.
On this river,
where love was once found
and love is now lost.
I sailed aimlessly
on the Sungei Rengit
and cried,
where laughter
turned into tears.
As tears flowed
into the river,
and the river flowed
into the sea.
The sea evaporates
into clouds
and clouds condenses
into rain.
The cycle of Life
goes on.
I took my boat out.
I had no idea,
where I was headed.
The sun was blazing hot
as the sea reflects
the sunlight
onto my face.
Somehow I sailed into
Sungei Rengit,
the scene
of so many
happy memories.
I was here
with her once,
I bought seafood,
crabs, lobsters, fish
and under
the midnight moon,
we ate
and drank wine
on the open deck
of the boat.
We chatted
until the wee hours
of the morning
right in the swamplands
of the Malaysian jungle,
only the sound
of cicadas
and crickets
in the swamps,
and glow of
fireflies
in the bushes.
I was drunk
and careless,
I lost my bearings
and navigated wrong.
We were lost
in the darkness
of the Malaysian jungle.
I prayed to God,
I probably deserved death
for all the sins against Him.
But please spare
the girl that I loved,
she should not bear
the sins of
my punishment.
I never prayed so hard
in my life,
because it was out of love
for her that I prayed
for our survival.
I was running
dangerously low
on fuel,
and I feared
tree snakes above
the canopy of branches
over the river,
and the wild crocodiles
that lurked beneath.
Miraculously,
I found my way out
of the swamps.
Thanks be to God
for his mercies
on me.
I could not stop laughing
in sheer joy
that we survived
this ordeal,
went back to the marina,
and made love
till we passed out.
As I surveyed
the same swamplands,
the memories
came back,
and laughter turned
into tears.
On this river,
where love was once found
and love is now lost.
I sailed aimlessly
on the Sungei Rengit
and cried,
where laughter
turned into tears.
As tears flowed
into the river,
and the river flowed
into the sea.
The sea evaporates
into clouds
and clouds condenses
into rain.
The cycle of Life
goes on.
1030 HRS APRIL 25TH 2007
I dunno.
These days
as I age,
I have a tendency
towards discarding
socially accepted morals
governing sexual behaviour.
I've been veering towards
a form of sexual nihilism
where I reject
all forms of sexual morality
or religious values.
I find existing codes
of sexual conduct
baseless, obsolete
and redundant
in this day and age.
Sexual fidelity
as we knew it,
was imperative
and probably still is,
in the formation of
a lasting and stable
emotional union
which in turn
provided the solid foundation
of a family unit
in which children
can thrive
and develop.
All well and good,
at a time when women's
role is at home
and her social
and professional interactions
were effectively non-existent.
Today,
the educated and professional woman
faces countless choices
and temptations.
At work
and at play,
she meets exciting
and more happening men
compared to the dour cow
of her husband at home.
As for today's men,
temptations are everywhere.
Almost all my clients
whom I entertain
at girly KTV bars
are married with children.
It does not matter,
if you have a beautiful
doting wife,
it does not matter,
if she is a high flier
who pays her half
in the mortgage
of his penthouse.
And commitment
is no longer sacred.
Does not matter
if you're married with children
or simply attached.
Suitors will come
and test your resistance
until you say yes.
It is so much easier
to say yes
than no.
So why even bother
making promises of loyalty
to your girlfriend or boyfriend
only to dump her/him
for the next better deal
to come along?
Why even bother
going to a church
and making marital vows
in the House of God
only to break them?
I'm far better off
paying for sex
with young and gorgeous
Mainland girls
and for that 2 hours,
illusions of intimacy.
Better than waking up
next to a middle aged woman
who will run away
with another man
taking with her
your house and car
anyway.
Diseases?
Who cares,
if people tell me
that I should live for myself,
it follows that
I should die for myself too
These days
as I age,
I have a tendency
towards discarding
socially accepted morals
governing sexual behaviour.
I've been veering towards
a form of sexual nihilism
where I reject
all forms of sexual morality
or religious values.
I find existing codes
of sexual conduct
baseless, obsolete
and redundant
in this day and age.
Sexual fidelity
as we knew it,
was imperative
and probably still is,
in the formation of
a lasting and stable
emotional union
which in turn
provided the solid foundation
of a family unit
in which children
can thrive
and develop.
All well and good,
at a time when women's
role is at home
and her social
and professional interactions
were effectively non-existent.
Today,
the educated and professional woman
faces countless choices
and temptations.
At work
and at play,
she meets exciting
and more happening men
compared to the dour cow
of her husband at home.
As for today's men,
temptations are everywhere.
Almost all my clients
whom I entertain
at girly KTV bars
are married with children.
It does not matter,
if you have a beautiful
doting wife,
it does not matter,
if she is a high flier
who pays her half
in the mortgage
of his penthouse.
And commitment
is no longer sacred.
Does not matter
if you're married with children
or simply attached.
Suitors will come
and test your resistance
until you say yes.
It is so much easier
to say yes
than no.
So why even bother
making promises of loyalty
to your girlfriend or boyfriend
only to dump her/him
for the next better deal
to come along?
Why even bother
going to a church
and making marital vows
in the House of God
only to break them?
I'm far better off
paying for sex
with young and gorgeous
Mainland girls
and for that 2 hours,
illusions of intimacy.
Better than waking up
next to a middle aged woman
who will run away
with another man
taking with her
your house and car
anyway.
Diseases?
Who cares,
if people tell me
that I should live for myself,
it follows that
I should die for myself too
20070424
1700 HRS APRIL 24TH 2007
Isn't it funny,
how everybody
seems to know
how I should live my life,
except myself.
I like to do things
my way,
I like to think things
my way,
I rather be proven wrong
and learn a hard lesson,
than prove others right
and not even try.
I believe I have
a personal duty in life
to fulfill.
To be a better man
than what I would
otherwise be.
The possibility
of achieving a dream,
makes living worthwhile.
I want to reach
for the furthest star,
but also know,
that simple things in life,
are a blessing
and a miracle,
it delights me
to eat my favourite
char kway teow.
I embrace
my own humanity.
I acknowledge
my emotions.
When I am sad,
I want to immerse myself
completely
in misery.
Because misery
is human.
But like everything else
I have to detach
at some point,
and be useful again
to the world
around me.
This world does not stop
spinning for me,
when I'm down.
There are still lots of things
to be done,
lots of things to learn,
lots of things
to be happy about
how everybody
seems to know
how I should live my life,
except myself.
I like to do things
my way,
I like to think things
my way,
I rather be proven wrong
and learn a hard lesson,
than prove others right
and not even try.
I believe I have
a personal duty in life
to fulfill.
To be a better man
than what I would
otherwise be.
The possibility
of achieving a dream,
makes living worthwhile.
I want to reach
for the furthest star,
but also know,
that simple things in life,
are a blessing
and a miracle,
it delights me
to eat my favourite
char kway teow.
I embrace
my own humanity.
I acknowledge
my emotions.
When I am sad,
I want to immerse myself
completely
in misery.
Because misery
is human.
But like everything else
I have to detach
at some point,
and be useful again
to the world
around me.
This world does not stop
spinning for me,
when I'm down.
There are still lots of things
to be done,
lots of things to learn,
lots of things
to be happy about
20070423
1515 HRS APRIL 23RD 2007
13 years ago,
I was attached to
New York office.
I came home to Singapore.
Dad insisted
on taking me out for lunch.
I asked him,
where are you taking me Dad?
He said, you just shut up
and follow me
let me show you
where to go
for good food.
We went Joo Chiat
and had chicken congee.
When we came home,
Mum asked me,
where did Dad take you?
I replied, Joo Chiat.
He brought you to out
to eat chicken congee?
I said Yeah.
She said,
but
you hated congee
since you were a kid!!!
Mum remembered.
I was attached to
New York office.
I came home to Singapore.
Dad insisted
on taking me out for lunch.
I asked him,
where are you taking me Dad?
He said, you just shut up
and follow me
let me show you
where to go
for good food.
We went Joo Chiat
and had chicken congee.
When we came home,
Mum asked me,
where did Dad take you?
I replied, Joo Chiat.
He brought you to out
to eat chicken congee?
I said Yeah.
She said,
but
you hated congee
since you were a kid!!!
Mum remembered.
1505 HRS APRIL 23RD 2007
If
I were to create
a balance sheet statement,
for Mum,
where everytime she did
something for me
in my life,
I'd record it as an asset.
and everytime I did NOT
do something for her
that I should have done,
I'd record it as my liability.
I am the most fucking
morally bankrupt guy
in this world.
I were to create
a balance sheet statement,
for Mum,
where everytime she did
something for me
in my life,
I'd record it as an asset.
and everytime I did NOT
do something for her
that I should have done,
I'd record it as my liability.
I am the most fucking
morally bankrupt guy
in this world.
20070422
2300 HRS APRIL 22ND 2007
I was 9 years old,
and an extremely avid reader.
Mummy encouraged reading,
Dad thought it was a sissy activity
for girls and not boys.
Mum would bring me
every weekend
to Lucky Bookshop
at Siglap,
no matter how poor
we were,
she would buy me
a new book.
There was once,
I was in the shop,
I chose this book,
"Adventures of Huckleberry Finn".
The auntie at the shop
said I cannot read this book.
It was too difficult,
and snatched the book away from me
like as though
I tried to steal that book.
I walked out of the shop
looking miserable.
Mum asked why didn't I
choose a book.
I said I did,
but auntie would not
let me buy it
because she said
it was too difficult
for me.
Mum looked at the auntie,
and asked,
which is the book,
my son wanted?
Auntie said,
that book is an American literature classic,
it is too difficult
for you son.
Mum said,
I'm buying that book.
And please don't tell my son
any book is too difficult
for him.
And so I read my first
literature classic.
and an extremely avid reader.
Mummy encouraged reading,
Dad thought it was a sissy activity
for girls and not boys.
Mum would bring me
every weekend
to Lucky Bookshop
at Siglap,
no matter how poor
we were,
she would buy me
a new book.
There was once,
I was in the shop,
I chose this book,
"Adventures of Huckleberry Finn".
The auntie at the shop
said I cannot read this book.
It was too difficult,
and snatched the book away from me
like as though
I tried to steal that book.
I walked out of the shop
looking miserable.
Mum asked why didn't I
choose a book.
I said I did,
but auntie would not
let me buy it
because she said
it was too difficult
for me.
Mum looked at the auntie,
and asked,
which is the book,
my son wanted?
Auntie said,
that book is an American literature classic,
it is too difficult
for you son.
Mum said,
I'm buying that book.
And please don't tell my son
any book is too difficult
for him.
And so I read my first
literature classic.
1455 HRS APRIL 22ND 2007
I bumped into
my colleague today.
He was looking so happy
to be pushing his baby's pram
like a proud father would.
This is the first time,
I saw him
on a weekend,
away from work.
He usually wears
this look of
frustration and
resentment
on his face.
But today,
pushing his toddler's pram,
he wore this face
of contentment
and filfillment.
I've always wanted
to be a family man.
I've always wanted
to be a Dad.
I've always wanted
to rush home after work
to be with my family.
When I am
with my loving wife
and wonderful children,
and realise
all that I go through
in the office
was worth the while.
Because I would do
anything,
and everything,
to make them smile.
If I were to die today,
I will want 3 more hours,
to spend
with the 3 women
in my life.
I just want to know
why.
Why was I robbed
of an opportunity
of family life.
Why was I robbed
of fatherhood.
Why was I robbed
of my youth.
Couldn't one of you
have stood by me
through
thick and thin,
through
ups and downs?
Being with them
I felt like,
I could go to battle
with this monster
called Life,
with a backup.
After being beaten up
by this monster
called Life,
I got back up
on my feet,
to take another beating.
I took a quick glance
and realised,
my backup had left.
And I fought
alone.
my colleague today.
He was looking so happy
to be pushing his baby's pram
like a proud father would.
This is the first time,
I saw him
on a weekend,
away from work.
He usually wears
this look of
frustration and
resentment
on his face.
But today,
pushing his toddler's pram,
he wore this face
of contentment
and filfillment.
I've always wanted
to be a family man.
I've always wanted
to be a Dad.
I've always wanted
to rush home after work
to be with my family.
When I am
with my loving wife
and wonderful children,
and realise
all that I go through
in the office
was worth the while.
Because I would do
anything,
and everything,
to make them smile.
If I were to die today,
I will want 3 more hours,
to spend
with the 3 women
in my life.
I just want to know
why.
Why was I robbed
of an opportunity
of family life.
Why was I robbed
of fatherhood.
Why was I robbed
of my youth.
Couldn't one of you
have stood by me
through
thick and thin,
through
ups and downs?
Being with them
I felt like,
I could go to battle
with this monster
called Life,
with a backup.
After being beaten up
by this monster
called Life,
I got back up
on my feet,
to take another beating.
I took a quick glance
and realised,
my backup had left.
And I fought
alone.
20070420
1000 HRS APRIL 20TH 2007
So,
he does not have time
to see you
to spend time with you?
There are 168 hours
in a week,
and he is too busy
to spare you one?
By the way,
if you so happen
to be Zhang Zi Yi
and so in love with him,
do you think
he can spare you
a bit more time?
So what do you think
is his level of interest
in you?
Go check the toilet bowl,
he flushed it down,
but for you,
its still swirling a bit
amongst alot
of his shit.
he does not have time
to see you
to spend time with you?
There are 168 hours
in a week,
and he is too busy
to spare you one?
By the way,
if you so happen
to be Zhang Zi Yi
and so in love with him,
do you think
he can spare you
a bit more time?
So what do you think
is his level of interest
in you?
Go check the toilet bowl,
he flushed it down,
but for you,
its still swirling a bit
amongst alot
of his shit.
20070419
2000 HRS APRIL 19TH 2007
I belted out this old
1936 song written by
Charlie Chaplin
to myself
at the top of my voice
all alone at home,
it was
instant therapy.
1936 song written by
Charlie Chaplin
to myself
at the top of my voice
all alone at home,
it was
instant therapy.
Smile
Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though its breaking
When there are clouds
in the sky
you'll get by
If you smile,
though your fear and sorrow
Smile, and maybe tomorrow
You'd see the sun
come shinging through
for you
If you just smile
Light up your face with gladness
Hide, every trace of sadness
Although a tear,
maybe ever so near.
Thats the time,
you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
You find that Life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.
1200 HRS APRIL 19TH 2007
People
who go into
extra-marital affairs
or cheated in a relationship,
just what the hell fuck
are they thinking?
You leave your spouse
for your lover,
or demand your lover
leaves his or her spouse?
I don't have actual statistics,
But I've seen
the long term
success rate
of such affairs
as ZERO.
A relationship
between a man
and a woman,
have to be built
on a solid foundation.
That foundation
is always the
moral values system
each partner holds.
Ideals of loyalty
and truth,
honesty
and commitment,
fidelity
and perseverance,
tolerance
and patience,
kindness
and graciousness,
compassion
and warm heartedness.
What foundation
is your relationship
based on
when right
from the onset
it was deceitful
and disloyal,
and causing
unspeakable amount
of pain
to someone else?
And you think
this new relationship
is going to work?
Maybe,
but statistics
will show,
the odds are stacked
against you.
who go into
extra-marital affairs
or cheated in a relationship,
just what the hell fuck
are they thinking?
You leave your spouse
for your lover,
or demand your lover
leaves his or her spouse?
I don't have actual statistics,
But I've seen
the long term
success rate
of such affairs
as ZERO.
A relationship
between a man
and a woman,
have to be built
on a solid foundation.
That foundation
is always the
moral values system
each partner holds.
Ideals of loyalty
and truth,
honesty
and commitment,
fidelity
and perseverance,
tolerance
and patience,
kindness
and graciousness,
compassion
and warm heartedness.
What foundation
is your relationship
based on
when right
from the onset
it was deceitful
and disloyal,
and causing
unspeakable amount
of pain
to someone else?
And you think
this new relationship
is going to work?
Maybe,
but statistics
will show,
the odds are stacked
against you.
1145HRS APRIL 19TH 2007
"You vandalised my heart
You raped my soul
You torched my conscience
You thought it was one
pathetic boy's life
you were extinguishing.
Thanks to you,
I will die
like Jesus Christ,
to inspire
generations of the
weak and defenseless people."
The last words
of Cho Seung Hui
before he went
on a killing rampage.
I don't for a single moment
think that people
spontaneously mutate
into murderous psychopaths.
The world we live in,
gradually transform them.
This world where we divide
the haves and the have nots,
the rich and the poor,
the winners and the losers.
Clearly,
young Cho was crying
for help
for a long time.
His soul was tortured
his being was tormented
his pain excruciating.
Buried amongst us,
there are many other Chos.
Inside each of us,
is a Cho screaming
for help.
Do we care?
Until a tragedy
occurs?
You raped my soul
You torched my conscience
You thought it was one
pathetic boy's life
you were extinguishing.
Thanks to you,
I will die
like Jesus Christ,
to inspire
generations of the
weak and defenseless people."
The last words
of Cho Seung Hui
before he went
on a killing rampage.
I don't for a single moment
think that people
spontaneously mutate
into murderous psychopaths.
The world we live in,
gradually transform them.
This world where we divide
the haves and the have nots,
the rich and the poor,
the winners and the losers.
Clearly,
young Cho was crying
for help
for a long time.
His soul was tortured
his being was tormented
his pain excruciating.
Buried amongst us,
there are many other Chos.
Inside each of us,
is a Cho screaming
for help.
Do we care?
Until a tragedy
occurs?
20070418
0950HRS APRIL 18TH 2007
They always tell me
Time is the
Greatest Healer.
Time heals
all wounds.
But they forgot to tell me
Time is also
the Greatest Distance
one have to travel
with the wound
still raw
and bleeding.
Disembodied voices
in my head,
hurling insults
tormenting my sleep
with their hysterical laughter.
Sometimes I see you
at home,
in your lingerie
that I bought.
Walking down the stairs
smiling at me
and then
with painful realisation
I saw
the smile
was not meant
for me,
but the guy
behind me.
I still feel the warmth
of your body
next to me,
as I doze off
to sleep.
Only to realise
the bed
was stone cold
on your side
of the bed
when morning breaks
into yet
another day
as time travels
its boundless
and immeasurable
distance.
Time is the
Greatest Healer.
Time heals
all wounds.
But they forgot to tell me
Time is also
the Greatest Distance
one have to travel
with the wound
still raw
and bleeding.
Disembodied voices
in my head,
hurling insults
tormenting my sleep
with their hysterical laughter.
Sometimes I see you
at home,
in your lingerie
that I bought.
Walking down the stairs
smiling at me
and then
with painful realisation
I saw
the smile
was not meant
for me,
but the guy
behind me.
I still feel the warmth
of your body
next to me,
as I doze off
to sleep.
Only to realise
the bed
was stone cold
on your side
of the bed
when morning breaks
into yet
another day
as time travels
its boundless
and immeasurable
distance.
0915HRS APRIL18TH 2007
So
a young psycho gunman
went berserk in Virginia Tech
killing himself
and 32 others.
I really don't see why
the Americans find this
so shocking.
Such incidents
are accidents just
waiting to happen
in America.
Firstly,
the stupid gun laws
in America.
If the Americans
love guns so much,
let them have guns.
Why don't they simply
ban bullets?
Its not guns who kill people,
its not even people who kill people,
its fucking bullets that kill people.
Secondly,
the high school and college culture
of America,
where loners and losers
are constantly taunted
and victimised.
Its about time,
Americans do a bit
of soul searching
about their very system
that consistently
breeds
such killers
a young psycho gunman
went berserk in Virginia Tech
killing himself
and 32 others.
I really don't see why
the Americans find this
so shocking.
Such incidents
are accidents just
waiting to happen
in America.
Firstly,
the stupid gun laws
in America.
If the Americans
love guns so much,
let them have guns.
Why don't they simply
ban bullets?
Its not guns who kill people,
its not even people who kill people,
its fucking bullets that kill people.
Secondly,
the high school and college culture
of America,
where loners and losers
are constantly taunted
and victimised.
Its about time,
Americans do a bit
of soul searching
about their very system
that consistently
breeds
such killers
20070417
1245HRS APRIL 17TH 2007
Too late to say
I'm sorry,
Too late to say
I love you.
Too late to restage
the play,
the game of love was over
in that playground
of yesterday.
Too much emotion
too much pride
the game is over
and I've have lost
yet again.
Now in sad reflection
as the fool escaped
his paradise
and cried.
I'll hold my peace forever
when you wear
your bridal grown.
Like a deaf mute
in a silent scream.
Hope when you kiss your prince,
you don't find a frog.
The game is over,
and I have lost.
Can you still say
you love me?
I'm sorry,
Too late to say
I love you.
Too late to restage
the play,
the game of love was over
in that playground
of yesterday.
Too much emotion
too much pride
the game is over
and I've have lost
yet again.
Now in sad reflection
as the fool escaped
his paradise
and cried.
I'll hold my peace forever
when you wear
your bridal grown.
Like a deaf mute
in a silent scream.
Hope when you kiss your prince,
you don't find a frog.
The game is over,
and I have lost.
Can you still say
you love me?
0045HRS APRIL 17TH 2007
So
you found
your tycoon's son.
The man of your dreams.
All your life's prayers
are answered.
The Heavens
must be rejoicing.
Guess
with your family's
social status,
someone like him
is most befitting.
Just what the hell
was I expecting?
With my old beat up Porsche,
rotten driftwood
of a boat,
cheap penthouse
in a HDB estate,
he probably earns
in a day,
what I earn
in a month.
Or am I still
overestimating myself?
It is a battle
I simply could not
hope to win.
You've found
what you've been searching
for your entire life,
a tycoon's son.
I just have to
take defeat
like a man.
I fought
a good fight,
I ran
a hard race.
But I am clearly
in a different league.
So here I am
once more,
in the playground
of losers.
I just have to admit
I am not good enough
for you.
Just what the hell
was I thinking?
I've always known
for the last 4 years,
I was not what you wanted.
You merely settled for me.
You wished I was richer
and better looking.
I've always felt
your disdain,
your haughty contempt.
I reacted
by overcompensating
for my shortcomings,
with outpouring of
love and patience.
It was clearly not enough.
My love was not enough.
Rejection
should not come
as a surprise.
you found
your tycoon's son.
The man of your dreams.
All your life's prayers
are answered.
The Heavens
must be rejoicing.
Guess
with your family's
social status,
someone like him
is most befitting.
Just what the hell
was I expecting?
With my old beat up Porsche,
rotten driftwood
of a boat,
cheap penthouse
in a HDB estate,
he probably earns
in a day,
what I earn
in a month.
Or am I still
overestimating myself?
It is a battle
I simply could not
hope to win.
You've found
what you've been searching
for your entire life,
a tycoon's son.
I just have to
take defeat
like a man.
I fought
a good fight,
I ran
a hard race.
But I am clearly
in a different league.
So here I am
once more,
in the playground
of losers.
I just have to admit
I am not good enough
for you.
Just what the hell
was I thinking?
I've always known
for the last 4 years,
I was not what you wanted.
You merely settled for me.
You wished I was richer
and better looking.
I've always felt
your disdain,
your haughty contempt.
I reacted
by overcompensating
for my shortcomings,
with outpouring of
love and patience.
It was clearly not enough.
My love was not enough.
Rejection
should not come
as a surprise.
20070416
1215 HRS APRIL 16TH 2007
I find it strange,
how women
all say the same things
when they want out
of a marriage.
The same choice
of words,
more or less.
I don't love you anymore
Life is short
I don't want to live
to regret.
My ex-wife's words were
If I don't leave you
I will keep wondering
what is it like
to be with someone else.
Yeah, considering
you once thought
you're the luckiest girl
in the world
to be with me.
And if I leave
a relationship
because I no longer love,
I would be changing partners
every few weeks.
Within a relationship
people fall in and out
of love
CONSTANTLY.
I always thought of
marriage as a bond
that keeps
two people together,
when they fell out
of love,
just long enough,
till they fell
in love
with each other
again.
It used to work
that way,
for better
or for worse,
in sickness
or in health,
for richer
or poorer.
In this bloody country,
when a man loses his job,
he loses his marriage.
What happened
to that sense of duty?
What happened
to the sacred vows
sworn at the altar
in the House of God?
What happened
to the self-sacrifice
for the sake
of your spouse's happiness?
And his happiness is
truly your happiness?
But then again,
if on my death bed
you tell me,
you stopped loving me
years ago,
and hung in there,
because of our children,
I would have said
THANKS,
but will die
hating you
for the rest
of eternity.
how women
all say the same things
when they want out
of a marriage.
The same choice
of words,
more or less.
I don't love you anymore
Life is short
I don't want to live
to regret.
My ex-wife's words were
If I don't leave you
I will keep wondering
what is it like
to be with someone else.
Yeah, considering
you once thought
you're the luckiest girl
in the world
to be with me.
And if I leave
a relationship
because I no longer love,
I would be changing partners
every few weeks.
Within a relationship
people fall in and out
of love
CONSTANTLY.
I always thought of
marriage as a bond
that keeps
two people together,
when they fell out
of love,
just long enough,
till they fell
in love
with each other
again.
It used to work
that way,
for better
or for worse,
in sickness
or in health,
for richer
or poorer.
In this bloody country,
when a man loses his job,
he loses his marriage.
What happened
to that sense of duty?
What happened
to the sacred vows
sworn at the altar
in the House of God?
What happened
to the self-sacrifice
for the sake
of your spouse's happiness?
And his happiness is
truly your happiness?
But then again,
if on my death bed
you tell me,
you stopped loving me
years ago,
and hung in there,
because of our children,
I would have said
THANKS,
but will die
hating you
for the rest
of eternity.
20070415
2325 HRS APRIL 15TH 2007
I was walking around Simei
as usual,
on a Sunday.
The air was filled
with music
from this blind street busker
singing James Taylor.
"I've seen fire,
I've seen rain.
I've seen sunny days
that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times
when I really needed a friend
But I've always known
I'll see you again"
It suddenly occured to me
that although he is such
a talented singer,
nobody at the town centre
appreciated.
No one was even listening.
But he went on singing
anyway.
He was totally immersed
in his own blind
but musical world.
He did not sing
for our applause.
He did not sing
to crave our
appreciation.
He went right on singing
because it was his job.
In Life and in Love,
we should do the same.
We do our best
in our jobs
and in our relationships
and in love.
Even if
people do not show
appreciation
for how hard
we tried.
It should not matter.
We have our own personal
duty in life
to fulfill.
Even if my love
is not good enough
to keep her,
like the blind singer,
we go on doing
our very best,
its our personal duty
in Life
afterall
as usual,
on a Sunday.
The air was filled
with music
from this blind street busker
singing James Taylor.
"I've seen fire,
I've seen rain.
I've seen sunny days
that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times
when I really needed a friend
But I've always known
I'll see you again"
It suddenly occured to me
that although he is such
a talented singer,
nobody at the town centre
appreciated.
No one was even listening.
But he went on singing
anyway.
He was totally immersed
in his own blind
but musical world.
He did not sing
for our applause.
He did not sing
to crave our
appreciation.
He went right on singing
because it was his job.
In Life and in Love,
we should do the same.
We do our best
in our jobs
and in our relationships
and in love.
Even if
people do not show
appreciation
for how hard
we tried.
It should not matter.
We have our own personal
duty in life
to fulfill.
Even if my love
is not good enough
to keep her,
like the blind singer,
we go on doing
our very best,
its our personal duty
in Life
afterall
1945 HRS APRIL 15TH 2007
Memories
are like a curse.
They haunt me
like a ghost.
I was sitting at home
listening to
Gustav Mahler's Adagietto.
I suddenly remembered
listening to that music
with you
sharing a bottle
of wine.
I felt so in love
then.
And then the next piece
had to be
Jules Massenet's Meditation.
I remembered
we were in Prague,
on a cold winter evening.
Standing on Charles Bridge
looking at the river,
as the moonlight
is reflected
on the little wavelets
sending millions of
little shimmering ripples.
It was so beautiful
to me.
Like you're so beautiful
to me.
The splendour of
Prague Castle
was behind us.
The gentle shimmering river
in front of us.
Holding a cup of
hot wine,
and a cigarette.
There was this
strolling violinist
playing Jules Massenet
on the bridge.
You huddled
next to me,
I felt like
the happiest man
in the world.
Now I'm just
a useless memory
still holding you
tight
are like a curse.
They haunt me
like a ghost.
I was sitting at home
listening to
Gustav Mahler's Adagietto.
I suddenly remembered
listening to that music
with you
sharing a bottle
of wine.
I felt so in love
then.
And then the next piece
had to be
Jules Massenet's Meditation.
I remembered
we were in Prague,
on a cold winter evening.
Standing on Charles Bridge
looking at the river,
as the moonlight
is reflected
on the little wavelets
sending millions of
little shimmering ripples.
It was so beautiful
to me.
Like you're so beautiful
to me.
The splendour of
Prague Castle
was behind us.
The gentle shimmering river
in front of us.
Holding a cup of
hot wine,
and a cigarette.
There was this
strolling violinist
playing Jules Massenet
on the bridge.
You huddled
next to me,
I felt like
the happiest man
in the world.
Now I'm just
a useless memory
still holding you
tight
1300 HRS APRIL 15TH 2007
I know
I should be happy
for you
that you have found
someone new
in your life.
I should take
my defeat
of losing you
like a man.
But I can't tell you
how badly it hurts.
I keep wondering,
who is he,
what business he does,
how he looks,
if he is treating
you well.
You may not be mine
to care anymore,
but I keep wondering
if he treats you right.
If he loves you
as much as I do.
I can only guess
that he is everything
to you
that I was not.
No matter how hard
I tried.
I even wonder
no matter how painful
it is,
how he is
in bed with you.
I even feel like
meeting him,
just to tell him
what it takes
to make you
climax.
Or maybe he does
things for you,
that I can never do.
Maybe he is
the super rich guy
that you always wanted.
Or just taller.
I can't tell you
how this have
shattered
my confidence.
I've always been
a confident person
all my life.
I always knew
what I wanted
and how
to get it.
Having tried so hard
with you,
I don't know
anymore.
I thought I have
all the answers,
now I just don't know
anymore.
My well meaning friends,
kept telling me,
to move on,
to get up and go.
But I'm so tired
I feel I no longer
have anymore
get up and go
left in me.
I've picked myself up
so many times
in my life,
I now just wanna
lay down
like a boxer
who was just
dealt a knockout blow.
Lying down on the canvas
all beaten up
no more energy
to get up
for another fight,
just lying down
bleeding,
with blood
that has left
my heart.
I'm only bleeding.
Deep down,
I wish,
you can just
see me,
and hold me,
one last time.
And feel a bit
of my pain.
I should be happy
for you
that you have found
someone new
in your life.
I should take
my defeat
of losing you
like a man.
But I can't tell you
how badly it hurts.
I keep wondering,
who is he,
what business he does,
how he looks,
if he is treating
you well.
You may not be mine
to care anymore,
but I keep wondering
if he treats you right.
If he loves you
as much as I do.
I can only guess
that he is everything
to you
that I was not.
No matter how hard
I tried.
I even wonder
no matter how painful
it is,
how he is
in bed with you.
I even feel like
meeting him,
just to tell him
what it takes
to make you
climax.
Or maybe he does
things for you,
that I can never do.
Maybe he is
the super rich guy
that you always wanted.
Or just taller.
I can't tell you
how this have
shattered
my confidence.
I've always been
a confident person
all my life.
I always knew
what I wanted
and how
to get it.
Having tried so hard
with you,
I don't know
anymore.
I thought I have
all the answers,
now I just don't know
anymore.
My well meaning friends,
kept telling me,
to move on,
to get up and go.
But I'm so tired
I feel I no longer
have anymore
get up and go
left in me.
I've picked myself up
so many times
in my life,
I now just wanna
lay down
like a boxer
who was just
dealt a knockout blow.
Lying down on the canvas
all beaten up
no more energy
to get up
for another fight,
just lying down
bleeding,
with blood
that has left
my heart.
I'm only bleeding.
Deep down,
I wish,
you can just
see me,
and hold me,
one last time.
And feel a bit
of my pain.
20070413
1530 HRS APRIL 13TH 2007
Farewell
old self,
you're tired
and need some rest.
Farewell
old self,
you've given your best
in difficult and
turbulent times.
You've tried to touch
the mind and heart
of the one you loved
and make a difference
in her life.
Your energy is long gone
the fire doused
the spark
in your eyes
dulled.
Rest well now
and get the peace
and quiet you need.
May you soon find
what you seek
in your new adventures
with passion
and kindess
renewed.
old self,
you're tired
and need some rest.
Farewell
old self,
you've given your best
in difficult and
turbulent times.
You've tried to touch
the mind and heart
of the one you loved
and make a difference
in her life.
Your energy is long gone
the fire doused
the spark
in your eyes
dulled.
Rest well now
and get the peace
and quiet you need.
May you soon find
what you seek
in your new adventures
with passion
and kindess
renewed.
20070412
1710 HRS APRIL 12TH 2007
I don't know why
people always say
money talks.
The only thing
money ever
said to me was,
GOODBYE
people always say
money talks.
The only thing
money ever
said to me was,
GOODBYE
20070411
1045 HRS APRIL 11TH 2007
Of late,
I've been toying around
with the cyclical nature
of Life.
It started with this verse
in the Bible.
"All the rivers
run into the sea,
but yet the sea
is not full"
Ecclesiastes Chapter 1 Verse 7
We can have all the sources
of happiness in our lives,
spiritual happiness,
physical happiness,
emotional happiness,
material happiness,
sexual happiness.
But our lives can never
be totally fulfilled.
We only think
it is full.
As sure as the sea
evaporates,
so will our
perception of fulfillment.
Perception maybe
our immedidate reality.
But comes the morning sun
reality persists.
We just have to learn
to live with it.
Don't cry,
when the sun goes down,
because the moon
is made of gold.
When you learn
to take life
with equanimity.
"Vanity of vanities,
all is vanity"
Ecclesiastes Chapter 1 Verse 1
We only think
we know it all.
We only think
we have the answers.
But I've long accepted,
the more I know,
the more I don't know.
"He that increases knowledge,
increases sorrow"
Ecclesiastes Chaper 1 Verse 18
And if I may add,
without being offensive,
"There is no new thing
under the sun"
Ecclesiastes Chapter 1 Verse 9
I've been toying around
with the cyclical nature
of Life.
It started with this verse
in the Bible.
"All the rivers
run into the sea,
but yet the sea
is not full"
Ecclesiastes Chapter 1 Verse 7
We can have all the sources
of happiness in our lives,
spiritual happiness,
physical happiness,
emotional happiness,
material happiness,
sexual happiness.
But our lives can never
be totally fulfilled.
We only think
it is full.
As sure as the sea
evaporates,
so will our
perception of fulfillment.
Perception maybe
our immedidate reality.
But comes the morning sun
reality persists.
We just have to learn
to live with it.
Don't cry,
when the sun goes down,
because the moon
is made of gold.
When you learn
to take life
with equanimity.
"Vanity of vanities,
all is vanity"
Ecclesiastes Chapter 1 Verse 1
We only think
we know it all.
We only think
we have the answers.
But I've long accepted,
the more I know,
the more I don't know.
"He that increases knowledge,
increases sorrow"
Ecclesiastes Chaper 1 Verse 18
And if I may add,
without being offensive,
"There is no new thing
under the sun"
Ecclesiastes Chapter 1 Verse 9
20070409
1130 HRS APRIL 9TH 2007
If I do not
suscribe to your beliefs
please don't tell me
that what I believe
is wrong
because you may not
be right.
If what I want in life
is not what you want,
my want may not be right
but your want
may be wrong too.
If I act
or fail to act,
in the way you would,
kindly let it be.
I do not ask you
to understand me,
because I know
you will understand,
the day you given up
trying to make me
a photocopy of you.
We are all different
I've long accepted that
and I even think
differences is good.
As much as you're different
from me,
I seek not to change
the difference,
but actually to preserve
and even embrace
our differences,
because nuturing
our differences
have actually made
life a whole lot
more interesting
suscribe to your beliefs
please don't tell me
that what I believe
is wrong
because you may not
be right.
If what I want in life
is not what you want,
my want may not be right
but your want
may be wrong too.
If I act
or fail to act,
in the way you would,
kindly let it be.
I do not ask you
to understand me,
because I know
you will understand,
the day you given up
trying to make me
a photocopy of you.
We are all different
I've long accepted that
and I even think
differences is good.
As much as you're different
from me,
I seek not to change
the difference,
but actually to preserve
and even embrace
our differences,
because nuturing
our differences
have actually made
life a whole lot
more interesting
20070408
1120 HRS APRIL 8TH 2007
Looking like a
New Age Messiah,
talking like a heretic.
Making friends feel
they're not whole
and they have no
self worth.
All because
we have not learnt
the inner secrets
of the joys
of loving oneself.
Living on organic food,
and herbal supplements,
drinking resonated water,
saying you're so happy now.
But are you ready?
to be disappointed.
Are you ready?
to be disillusioned.
Are you ready?
to be heartbrokened.
When you wake up one day
and realise
your New Age prophets
were wrong
all this while,
and your grandmother
was right.
Darling, what does it take
just what does it take,
to make you realise,
no one deserves the right
to say
you're not whole?
We are creations
of God,
and God does not
make mistakes.
Parcelled in each
and every one of us
is a perfect gift
to Humankind.
We're all whole people,
in our own special
and unique ways.
Not everybody
can feel good
by quasi laws
of attraction
casually derived
form quantum mechanics.
Maybe it works for some
but certainly not
for all.
I grew up
in the 70s,
when this notion
of self love
was born.
It started
in 1977,
when a movie
of the life
of the greatest boxer
of all time,
Muhummad Ali.
And the title track
was
"Greatest Love of All".
And the catch phase was
"Learning to love yourself,
is the greatest love
of all"
I've seen the New Age prophets
of my time,
preaching the good news
of loving yourself.
I've seen seminars
and workshops,
where people pay money
to cry their eyeballs out
to learn self-love.
Self-love is good,
when you do not allow
yourself the indignity
of doing something
morally wrong.
But I've seen this idea
of self-love mutate
into something horrible
and dangerous even.
I've seen self-love
taken to the extreme
and transmute into
narcissistic
self interests
self preservations
self centredness.
I've seen self love
destroy families
devastate careers.
I'm sorry.
I'm an old man
who suscribe
to old fashioned values
of our grandparents,
where life on earth,
involves a very
self-sacrificial aspect,
where you dedicate
your very existence
for the betterment
of others.
In a world
and a life
where the love you get
is the love you give.
New Age Messiah,
talking like a heretic.
Making friends feel
they're not whole
and they have no
self worth.
All because
we have not learnt
the inner secrets
of the joys
of loving oneself.
Living on organic food,
and herbal supplements,
drinking resonated water,
saying you're so happy now.
But are you ready?
to be disappointed.
Are you ready?
to be disillusioned.
Are you ready?
to be heartbrokened.
When you wake up one day
and realise
your New Age prophets
were wrong
all this while,
and your grandmother
was right.
Darling, what does it take
just what does it take,
to make you realise,
no one deserves the right
to say
you're not whole?
We are creations
of God,
and God does not
make mistakes.
Parcelled in each
and every one of us
is a perfect gift
to Humankind.
We're all whole people,
in our own special
and unique ways.
Not everybody
can feel good
by quasi laws
of attraction
casually derived
form quantum mechanics.
Maybe it works for some
but certainly not
for all.
I grew up
in the 70s,
when this notion
of self love
was born.
It started
in 1977,
when a movie
of the life
of the greatest boxer
of all time,
Muhummad Ali.
And the title track
was
"Greatest Love of All".
And the catch phase was
"Learning to love yourself,
is the greatest love
of all"
I've seen the New Age prophets
of my time,
preaching the good news
of loving yourself.
I've seen seminars
and workshops,
where people pay money
to cry their eyeballs out
to learn self-love.
Self-love is good,
when you do not allow
yourself the indignity
of doing something
morally wrong.
But I've seen this idea
of self-love mutate
into something horrible
and dangerous even.
I've seen self-love
taken to the extreme
and transmute into
narcissistic
self interests
self preservations
self centredness.
I've seen self love
destroy families
devastate careers.
I'm sorry.
I'm an old man
who suscribe
to old fashioned values
of our grandparents,
where life on earth,
involves a very
self-sacrificial aspect,
where you dedicate
your very existence
for the betterment
of others.
In a world
and a life
where the love you get
is the love you give.
20070407
1725 HRS APRIL 7TH 2007
I believe in miracles,
but not the sort
that is scientifically impossible
to prove.
When I am out at sea,
my boat anchored off
a deserted island,
I hear the little ripples
of wavelets
made from the wake
of a passing boat
gently lap against
the hull of my boat,
I smile.
I am at peace
once more.
The sea always
have this effect on me.
I am thankful
for the sea.
I had lunch
at the SBS bus drivers canteen.
I've always loved
the traditional way of
cooking pork trotters
using vinegar.
These days
they only have
the bak kut teh style
and not the traditional
vinegar recipe.
I observed,
4 bus drivers opposite me.
I've always admired
bus drivers.
My dad
was a bus driver
all his life.
They have so little
materially,
but they probably
laughed more
in that 10 minutes,
than I did,
in the last 10 days.
Little observations
like that
thrill my imagination.
It is this childlike curiosity
that we lost mostly,
the enthusiasm in life,
and the ability
to be thrilled
by little and simple things,
and be happy.
I love meeting old friends,
and catching up
with lost time.
Sometimes it saddens me
how a friend
can fall on hard times
as I could only listen
and offer a helping hand.
Sometimes it thrills me
how a friend
can do so well
as I could only listen
and be happy for them.
It is not ours to judge
a friend.
In these,
I meant,
by miracles.
The small things
in life
that makes me happy
but not the sort
that is scientifically impossible
to prove.
When I am out at sea,
my boat anchored off
a deserted island,
I hear the little ripples
of wavelets
made from the wake
of a passing boat
gently lap against
the hull of my boat,
I smile.
I am at peace
once more.
The sea always
have this effect on me.
I am thankful
for the sea.
I had lunch
at the SBS bus drivers canteen.
I've always loved
the traditional way of
cooking pork trotters
using vinegar.
These days
they only have
the bak kut teh style
and not the traditional
vinegar recipe.
I observed,
4 bus drivers opposite me.
I've always admired
bus drivers.
My dad
was a bus driver
all his life.
They have so little
materially,
but they probably
laughed more
in that 10 minutes,
than I did,
in the last 10 days.
Little observations
like that
thrill my imagination.
It is this childlike curiosity
that we lost mostly,
the enthusiasm in life,
and the ability
to be thrilled
by little and simple things,
and be happy.
I love meeting old friends,
and catching up
with lost time.
Sometimes it saddens me
how a friend
can fall on hard times
as I could only listen
and offer a helping hand.
Sometimes it thrills me
how a friend
can do so well
as I could only listen
and be happy for them.
It is not ours to judge
a friend.
In these,
I meant,
by miracles.
The small things
in life
that makes me happy
20070406
2340 HRS APRIL 6TH 2007
Young man,
I wish 20 years ago,
someone had a talk with me,
like I'm talking
to you now.
Chase wealth,
it is good
for a young man
to chase wealth.
But do it
for the right reason,
not because of
vendetta,
because your ex
left you
for a rich guy.
In a few years,
you will realise
like most men,
that you stop
doing things
for yourself.
You want to provide,
for your woman
and your family.
There is a certain beauty
in being wholly responsible
100% responsible
your entire existence
to provide the very best
for the people
you love.
It is only right,
that you start building
your life now.
Because chasing dollars
to impress chicks,
will one day
be so meaningless.
Like everybody
is racing towards
the furthest palm,
but beyond that,
is the desert
and nothingness.
But when you do it
because of your loved ones,
the motivation comes
from within.
Like many men
before you
and after you,
you will realise
the beauty
of being
wholly responsible
for someone else
and not yourself.
But
whilse chasing dollars,
don't forget
not to lose yourself.
Always
do the right thing
that a good man
will do.
I made that mistake,
too busy chasing dollars
I forgot
to be a husband.
My ex-wife
was no more
than an accesory
in my life,
a silent partner
in my marriage,
a non-entity
in my home.
Your woman
is not a Tamagotchi toy,
She is human
and an individual,
with feelings
and thoughts,
that you fell in love
and want to dedicate
your entire existence
to her.
Yet with all that,
bear in mind,
that shit happens.
The last 4 years
of my life,
I dedicated myself
to providing for someone
who felt that a 5 figure salary
should be earned
in a day
and not a month.
Like I once said,
God dealt cards,
that you may not like,
and a game
you cannot win.
But play your best hand
anyway.
Win or lose,
just enjoy
the card game.
And feel God's pleasure
that you done your best
against His odds.
If you have to ask,
yes,
thats how I view
self-worth.
When I can look myself
in the mirror
and say
Yes, I've done
my best
to be a good man.
Not because
my self-assessment
is contingent
on what others think
of me,
but I did my best
because that
is my calling
anyway.
I wish 20 years ago,
someone had a talk with me,
like I'm talking
to you now.
Chase wealth,
it is good
for a young man
to chase wealth.
But do it
for the right reason,
not because of
vendetta,
because your ex
left you
for a rich guy.
In a few years,
you will realise
like most men,
that you stop
doing things
for yourself.
You want to provide,
for your woman
and your family.
There is a certain beauty
in being wholly responsible
100% responsible
your entire existence
to provide the very best
for the people
you love.
It is only right,
that you start building
your life now.
Because chasing dollars
to impress chicks,
will one day
be so meaningless.
Like everybody
is racing towards
the furthest palm,
but beyond that,
is the desert
and nothingness.
But when you do it
because of your loved ones,
the motivation comes
from within.
Like many men
before you
and after you,
you will realise
the beauty
of being
wholly responsible
for someone else
and not yourself.
But
whilse chasing dollars,
don't forget
not to lose yourself.
Always
do the right thing
that a good man
will do.
I made that mistake,
too busy chasing dollars
I forgot
to be a husband.
My ex-wife
was no more
than an accesory
in my life,
a silent partner
in my marriage,
a non-entity
in my home.
Your woman
is not a Tamagotchi toy,
She is human
and an individual,
with feelings
and thoughts,
that you fell in love
and want to dedicate
your entire existence
to her.
Yet with all that,
bear in mind,
that shit happens.
The last 4 years
of my life,
I dedicated myself
to providing for someone
who felt that a 5 figure salary
should be earned
in a day
and not a month.
Like I once said,
God dealt cards,
that you may not like,
and a game
you cannot win.
But play your best hand
anyway.
Win or lose,
just enjoy
the card game.
And feel God's pleasure
that you done your best
against His odds.
If you have to ask,
yes,
thats how I view
self-worth.
When I can look myself
in the mirror
and say
Yes, I've done
my best
to be a good man.
Not because
my self-assessment
is contingent
on what others think
of me,
but I did my best
because that
is my calling
anyway.
20070405
2140 HRS APRIL 5TH 2007
You PAP Youth fuckers
or Lee Family running dogs,
go get a fucking life
of your own.
Are you paid
just to read
blogs like mine?
You're sadder than sad
pathetic fuck.
This blog is not
like your government said
"consistently political".
If anything, its more
about my fucked up
love life.
I won't reply to you,
unless you're a hot chick
with a photo
and without clothes on.
You said,
why not compare
Indonesia, Malaysia, Thailand,
China, India, Pakistan.
Yeah, some fucking benchmark
you set for me.
I thought Minister Mentor said,
we're First World.
And you want me to benchmark
against Third World countries.
And,
just who the hell fuck,
give you the right
to ask me
to migrate
if I'm not happy?
Singapore
is my fucking country too.
I have all the right
to stay here
as long as I wish.
Nobody,
you nor your Minister Mentor
have any right
to ask me
to migrate.
This is my fucking country
and I will stay
as long as I want.
Strange as it may sound
I love this shit country.
It is the place
I was born,
It is the place
I grew up.
It is the place
my family
and friends are.
Just why the hell fuck
do I bother
to critisize
if I don't like this place?
Is it wrong
for me to want
my country
to be even better?
Is your way or your Minister Mentor's way
the only way?
Come on,
you have a brain,
think for yourself
for once.
And stop being
another mouthpiece
for your government
or Lee Family running dogs,
go get a fucking life
of your own.
Are you paid
just to read
blogs like mine?
You're sadder than sad
pathetic fuck.
This blog is not
like your government said
"consistently political".
If anything, its more
about my fucked up
love life.
I won't reply to you,
unless you're a hot chick
with a photo
and without clothes on.
You said,
why not compare
Indonesia, Malaysia, Thailand,
China, India, Pakistan.
Yeah, some fucking benchmark
you set for me.
I thought Minister Mentor said,
we're First World.
And you want me to benchmark
against Third World countries.
And,
just who the hell fuck,
give you the right
to ask me
to migrate
if I'm not happy?
Singapore
is my fucking country too.
I have all the right
to stay here
as long as I wish.
Nobody,
you nor your Minister Mentor
have any right
to ask me
to migrate.
This is my fucking country
and I will stay
as long as I want.
Strange as it may sound
I love this shit country.
It is the place
I was born,
It is the place
I grew up.
It is the place
my family
and friends are.
Just why the hell fuck
do I bother
to critisize
if I don't like this place?
Is it wrong
for me to want
my country
to be even better?
Is your way or your Minister Mentor's way
the only way?
Come on,
you have a brain,
think for yourself
for once.
And stop being
another mouthpiece
for your government
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