1300 hrs July 28th 2005

Sometimes,

I forget

what it was like

to be young.

When all I had was you

and all you had was me.

There were no tomorrows

to bury our sorrows

because

all I had was you

and all you had was me.

Now we have pool villas

at Banyan Tree,

expensive spa treatments

pampered by tender massuers

a tranquil sanctuary

for the senses.

Instead of the thrill

of wanting to attract

a girl

to my bed,

all I want

is to feel secure

in the knowledge

that I am responsible

for your safety

and comfort.

So

whenever you go off

flirting with guys

I bemoan.

Coz

We're simply

in different stages

in Life.

1100 hrs July 28th 2005

Sometimes we look for trouble,

sometimes trouble look for us.

We mostly avoid problems,

but some of us

simply fall in love

with our problems.

We lament over

our problems.

But having a problem

or not,

is often

a conscious choice.

Some of us indulge

in self-pity,

feeling sorry

for ourselves.

Preferring to grovel

in the mud

of our problems

rather than

standing up

and enjoying

the sight

of the world

above

our mud.

But self-pity

is a real

human condition too.

But at some point,

we all have to

pick ourselves up.

And detach ourselves

from the mud

that bogs

us down.

Because

when we adjust

our perception,

elephants

can be viewed as

mosquitoes,

just as we often

allow mosquitoes

to become

elephants.

1105 hrs July 20th 2005

I've never liked playing

mind games

with the one

I love.

I play enough

mind games

in the office.

At home,

I just want

to go into

cruise control

and relax,

speak what I mean

and don't speak

what I don't mean.

But it appears

that I have

no choice.

Women

are competitive

by nature.

They stake

their egos

and self esteem

on attaining

the unattainable.

They want you

only when

you're a tough

challenge

for them.

They want you

when you belong

to someone else.

They want you

when you're

show no interest

to commit.

They want you

only when

you're wanted

by other women.

They want you

to show they

can change you

and make you

crazy

over them.

But if you're too

easy

to get.

They don't

treasure you.

Between a solid rock

of stability,

and a slithery

snake,

they prefer

to grab hold

of the snake.

To show that,

they possess

the ability

the grab

the slippery.

I did precisely that,

went out with this

Mainland Chinese accountant.

She is really pretty,

her eyelashes

seem to go on

forever.

She laughs

at everything,

with a certain

girlish charm.

Puts on little

make up,

no branded goods

whatsoever.

Does not smoke

Does not drink

Does not club.

Strikes me as someone

who will be more than happy

to stay home

and bear my children.

I quite like her

actually.

Reckon,

she is the kind of girl,

I need

at this stage

in my life.

Ms X

found her SMS

to me.

Suddenly,

an open declaration

of undying love.

Swears

that I am THE ONE

that

SHE WANTS.

Wow....

Must I open myself

to the market

to show that

I have

market value,

in order for you,

to value me?

1605 hrs July 4th 2005

I picked this verse up

from a Tibetian Buddhist script.

"To disregard oneself,

this is the best dharma.

This is the best service

To Buddha's religion.

Practicing meditation

for life is the best gift

To those sentient beings

without protection"

That suddenly hit me

between the eyes.

Therein lies

the source of my angst.

Therein lies

the cure

for my neurosis.

To disregard oneself.

Coz when I hold my own emotions

in such high priority,

I get disappointed.

If I can somehow

nullify my feelings

perhaps that is

the best dharma

1020 hrs July 4th 2005

So

you think you know

what is right

what is wrong

you think you can tell

Heaven

from Hell

Pleasure

from Pain

Devil

from Angel.

So

you think you know

where you are

where you're from

where you're going

You think you can tell

Love

from Hate

Heroes

from Ghosts

Dreams

from Nightmares

No

you don't

You don't know

where you're going

and

how to get there

You don't know

anymore.

After 2.5 years,

wrong

make that 40 years,

you're still

running

at the same old spot

covering

the same old ground

the same old fears

What have you found?

0900 hrs July 4th 2005

I'm beginning to think

of human relationships

in terms of

banking services.

When I was first attracted to you,

be it physically,

emotionally,

spiritually,

intellectually,

you've placed a large credit

of love dollars

in my heart.

Through the years,

with the things you say

and the things you do,

each time,

the large credit of love dollars

gets withdrawn.

Sometimes,

with the things you say

and the things you do,

the withdrawal of love credit

gets replenished

with more love dollars.

But as human relationship

generally drifts,

the withdrawal of love dollars

outpaces the deposits,

until it its ZERO.

Beyond ZERO,

I start to HATE you.

If we've been through long enough,

like banking relationships,

I'd extend emergency credit,

and allow you to go

into the red.

But once the credit limit is up,

I cease

and desist,

and proceed with

FORECLOSURE.

And then again,

even if the credit balance

is healthy,

people do switch accounts

to another bank,

offering better services.

1525 hrs June 29th 2005

I have not been blogging,

been trying to wean myself off

the horrible side effects

of Risperdal.

That drug is terrible,

just a short term solution,

to a longer term problem.

Which is in effect opposite

to my situation with Ms X.

Attempting long term solutions,

to short term problems.

Risperdal is so damned addictive,

I had to increase the dosage

all the time.

As the effects wear off,

the anxiety attacks,

the pounding heart,

the cold sweat,

the imaginary friends,

they all come back.

Neurosis is a strange thing.

The fear

of an eventuality

is actually worse

than the eventuality

itself.

Humans are resilient

we do adapt

to eventualities

and the fear

is mostly

overblown.

1745 hrs June 20th 2005

Perception is more important

than Reality.

It is that way,

in the stockmarket

It is that way,

in Life.

To a KTV girl,

she remains faithful,

to her boyfriend,

even though she allows herself

to be touched

all over.

So long as she does

not kiss

not fuck,

she is faithful

in her perception.

To a prostitute,

she remains faithful,

to her boyfriend,

even though she allows herself

to be touched

all over,

and fucked.

So long as she does

not kiss,

she is faithful,

in her perception.

To a certain Ms X,

she remains faithful,

to me,

even though she

dances provocatively

with strange men,

even though she

flirts shamelessly

with multiple men,

So long as she does

not kiss,

not touch,

not fuck,

she is faithful,

in her perception.

Whisper words of wisdom

let it be....

1500 hrs June 17th 2005

Dear God,

Its not often that I pray,

let alone ask anything of you.

I hate asking for things,

in exchange for worship.

It feels like

a commercial transaction

to me.

But this time,

I ask You,

to grant me

a forgiving heart,

and cleanse me

of all anger,

hostility

and revenge.

Heal my hurts,

and teach me

to rely

on love.

Grant me

the wisdom

strength

and peace,

to move ahead

in grace

and love,

as you have

instilled

in me,

for I have to admit,

I can't do it alone,

am too bloody weak.

This I pray,

in Jesus' name

Amen

1550 hrs June 13th 2005

It is always a struggle,

to be a good man.

It is always an internal strife,

to live by

conscience,

to do the right thing,

every single time,

although given a choice

between good

and evil.

The dark side demands,

why did she do this

to me?

The evil side extorts,

go exact revenge.

An eye

for an eye

But if every man

takes an eye

for an eye,

the world

will indeed

be blind.

1535 hrs June 13th 2005

When I retrospect

and introspect,

my source of paranoia,

is my history with

women in my past.

The result of this paranoia,

are fears.

Fear of Betrayal

Fear of Abandonment.

I maybe undergoing

psychiatric treatment,

but no shrink

is gonna cure this.

The cure

have to come

from within.

Because it follows,

that if I have forgiven

they who have caused

grevious hurt,

they who have caused

gross injustice,

they who have caused

unbearable pain,

then there would be

no more fears.

For Christ,

who has been betrayed

and abandoned,

could cry out to God,

forgive them for they know not

what they're doing,

so therein

lies healing.

So let the healing process

begin.

And let it begin,

with me.

1100 hrs June 13th 2005

In the darkness

of the soul,

it is always 3am.

That is how I felt,

when I walked the lonely corridors

to the defense lawyer's office.

It was like a scene from CSI

and I was merely acting

a role,

this cannot be true.

But anyway,

I've done myself in

Big Time.

Am under psychiatric treatment

for schizophrenia.

This cannot be true.

But it surely is

as I popped the schizo pills

maximum dosage

to control paranoia.

Its like there is

a raging stranger

that resides deep inside,

erupting to come out

at the worst

possible moment.

How does a woman

speak of love,

when neither her words

nor actions

remotely reflect it?

How does a woman

speak of love,

when both her words

and actions

cause intense hurt?

Now it has

driven me

to clinical insanity.

I should have listened

and let go,

when I had

the chance.

But I am not one

to live in regret.

Take responsibility

and pray

for the best

possible outcome.

So help me God

0140 hrs May 27th 2005

24 hours later,

am I still cannot come to terms

we're European Champions.

It was like watching a game

between man vs machine.

AC Milan was awesome,

technically perfect.

Their goals

were a joy

to watch.

Their passes

were inch perfect.

Their defence

was superbly marshalled

invincible

almost.

We played like schoolboys

against professionals.

But we had one thing,

we had passion.

We have the crowd

behind us.

Supporting Liverpool

is all about passion.

You have to believe

in magic

to believe in Liverpool.

You have to believe

in miracles

to believe

we were 3-0 down

against vastly superior

opposition,

but we came back.

Because we wanted to.

Supporting Liverpool,

is pretty much

the story of my life.

You just have to walk on,

with hopes

in your heart.

Walk on,

through the wind,

Walk on,

through the rain,

Though your dreams

be tossed

and blown.

Walk on,

Walk on,

with hopes

in your heart,

and you'll never walk alone.

YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE

1130 hrs May 6th 2005

It took me a long time

to realise

it wasn't a dream.

I did actually witnessed

Liverpool beating Chelsea

and going into

the Final

of the European Champions League.

Chelsea is everything

I hated

in football.

Bunch of overpaid cheaters

and wankers,

led by a dour unshaven cow

in the arrogance

of Jose Mourinho.

They wanted our

Steven Gerrard

all season,

which caused such

unrest

in our team.

They broke

Xabi Alonso's

ankle,

which weakened

our midfield

and cost us

our 4th place.

They dived,

knowing that

a yellow card

would cause Alonso

to be suspended.

Mourinho shishing us

at the Carling Cup Final

added injury

to insult.

So dumping Chelsea

out of the Champions League,

felt so good.

I felt so proud of

every single player

and fan.

You can feel

the sonic reverberations

at Anfield.

It was passion vs money.

It was good vs evil.

In the end,

the passionate good

won the battle.

Reminded me of Star Wars.

Chelsea is Evil Empire,

led by the evil, corrupt

ruthless and power hungry

Emperor in Roman Abramovich.

Chelsea has the arrogant,

ambitious and conceited,

ugly notwithstanding,

Darth Vader in Jose Mourinho.

Liverpool is the Rebel Alliance

led by Obi Wan Kenobi (Rafa Benitez)

and his disciple Luke Skywalker (Steven Gerrard)

with the help of loyal friends

Hans Solo (Jamie Carragher)

giant Chewbacca (Sami Hyypia)

little Yoda (Luis Garcia).

Evil Darth Vader (Jose Mourinho)

been trying to get

young Luke Skywalker (Steven Gerrard)

to join the Dark Side.

Which brings us to,

who would be my old wet dream

Princess Leia?

Thats a tough one.

Guess Harry Kewell

with his girly hairband

comes closest.

Although I would love to see

Princess Leia (Harry Kewell)

choking ugly

Jabba the Hutt (Frank Lampard)

but

we can't have all our dreams

come true,

otherwise we would have won

by 6-0.

Have a good weekend everybody

and

May the Force

be with You.

1100 hrs April 20th 2005

Women are monkeys.

They swing from

branch to branch.

And they won't let go

until they have one hand

on another branch.

Until they do,

they will hold on,

to keep

other monkeys

away.

Which I guess

makes men

money trees

1650 hrs April 18th 2005

That smile,

it uplifts me.

Those sweet moments

of intimacy,

binds me

like some sort of abstract

intervention

from the forces of

gravity.

But everytime

I think of those

silent secrets

in the dark recesses

of your mind,

I spiral downwards

in a free fall.

Withholding the truth,

keeps me swimming

in the darkest sea,

not knowing

what lies

within.

1030 hrs April 18th 2005

I found a stack of old photos

last night.

Those that survived

the psycho Korean.

She threw away all

my photo albums.

Browsing through,

memories flood,

I could cry

no more.

Those lost years,

where are they?

Those false hopes,

what are they?

I've been searching

for a passage

to meaning,

I've been looking

for a reason

for breathing.

The youth of my life,

been drained,

by the failures

of my many years.

We looked happy

together,

we were young.

We thought

we could kick ass,

knock them down.

Time it was,

and what a time

it was,

when endless mornings

pass like a gentle breeze,

and the warm sun

caressed my skin.

But the warmth

been long gone,

sacrificed

for unpredictable

and dangerous

rainstorms.

When the love is gone,

all that's left

are haunting memories

yearning regrets,

and a stack

of old photos.

1630 hrs April 11th 2005

Back from a week in Seoul,

the land whose one daughter

I once fell in love with

and hurt me

really bad.

Guess the recent episodes

in my life

are conditioned reflexes

of unresolved pain.

Bitterness

and paranoia

from rejection,

betrayal

and abandonment.

I crave acceptance

and love.

I wanted to be really

really treasured.

Maybe I got it all wrong,

maybe happiness

should be internally generated.

maybe happiness

is just a biochemical reaction

from a flood of serantonin

maybe happiness

can be achieved

with a happy pill

maybe happiness

can be found

in some Buddhist chant.

I dunno

I fucking dunno.

0100 hrs Apr 3rd 2005

That cute little girlish voice,

how can I ever resist it?

Why am I always such a sucker

for tonal quality?

Guess I listen more

than I see.

Beginning to conclude

that Time is the greatest

expression of Love.

No amount of material gifts,

or vocal promises,

can replace

the Gift of Time.

Stop saying

You love me,

it meant jackshit

if you don't give me

your Time.

Things go ugly,

we both have to take

equal responsibility.

Between two people,

you can never trace

the fault at source.

Ultimately,

it is one wrongdoing

and one wrong saying

after another.

Negative vibes

have a tendency

to take a whole fucking life

of its own.

It builds upon its own

momentum

and cumulate into

one big shitstorm.

But if we arrest that

now,

and if

we could both live,

to my oath written,

on St Valentine's Day,

a whole lot of

problems

could have been

mitigated.

But when we assume

rather than assign

responsibility,

we at least

still stand

a fighting chance

1405 hrs March 30th 2005

Baby,

here we stand again,

like so many times before.

You looked so happy

when you walked out my door.

But you always walk right back

like you've never been away,

telling me

we're meant to be.

I don't know baby,

I really don't know.

If I can,

go through this again.

Some time

when I'm feeling fine,

you might even look

like a friend to me.

But for now,

please walk on.

I don't want to hear

anymore of you

wanting to be free.

Just walk away,

I'm going back inside.

I'm turning off

my heart light,

it may be dark,

but you're out

of sight.

1150 hrs March 30th 2005

The matchstick ignites

bursting into flames.

I inhaled another ciggy

exhaled smoke of toxic waste

that I deposit more

into my lungs.

Been coughing

my lungs out.

As I sink

into the abyss

of self pity

and self destruct.

I'm spent,

totally spent.

Depleted of all

physical, emotional, spiritual

energy.

To be fair,

she was no fair weather

girlfriend.

She weathered the storms too.

But the reality,

is we're two passing ships

in the night.

At daybreak,

we're out of sight.

We're headed in

different directions.

We merely tried

to make some meaning

out of a meaningless

passing,

just the the many

that passed along

before.

At some point,

it is useless

to hold on.

Because

there is nothing left

to hold on to.

Just some joy

and laughter,

useless memories.

I cry

as any one would,

as I watch us

inexorably die,

frantic as we may

to revive the dead.

The time has come

for us to bury

the dead.

It is useless darling

useless.

As we mark the tomb

of our relationship,

the epitaph says,

we tried, but....

1140 hrs March 21st 2005

I wrote this long ago,

for the Kimchi.

I thought its very apt

at this moment,

although

upon rereading,

I'm still not quite there

YET.


The Last Tear Drops
===================

The Last Tear Drops

Sliding down my cheek

They're hidden from you

Or you'd think I'm weak

You thought you seen love

out of your selfish eyes

But my visions are clearing

on to clearer skies

Darling I know it upsets you

That I've stopped waiting around

But honey listen silently

And you'd hear the sound

The sound of my footsteps walking

As I walk out the door

Its for the wrong reasons you return

Coz you just don't love me anymore

This time I'm really moving on

The next time you turn,

You'd realise.....I'mm gone Roland Koh

12 February 2002

1130 hrs March 21st 2005

Last night,

I was drunk.

This morning,

I am hungover.

But suddenly,

in a classic moment

of serendipity,

the clarity

both astounds

and hurts.

It has always been

difficult

for me to analyse

whenever emotions

are involved.

But I think

my visions are clearer now.

At the root of our problems

is different

RELATIONSHIP ASPIRATIONS.

I was muddled

and frustrated

and devastated,

because I was simply

not getting

the emotional response

I wanted

from you.

It should have been

so clear,

but I was both

blind

and

stupid.

Your words

and actions

do not reflect

of a woman

who loves me.

I'm sure someday,

a lucky man

would be a recipient

of your love,

but for now

my chances

are between

zero

and

fucking NONE.

0230 hrs March 21st 2005

So you came back,

asking or begging even,

for a reconcilation.

To patch things back

you said,

to work things out,

you said.

But I am not one

to judge a person

by words,

I can only judge

by your actions.

And your actions

suggest otherwise.

You even said YES

to my proposal of

marriage.

But it appears

you're merely

buying time.

What have I ever done,

to deserve this

vindictiveness?

What have I ever done,

to deserve this

malice?

Don't you shoulder

your part

of the blame?

But play your game

to perfection,

I would do

the same.

The trust is gone,

the respect is gone.

So what is left?

But a dogged refusal

to admit

another defeat,

and perhaps for you

free housing.

But I won't make

that decision.

It is yours

to make.

But I won't

be naive.

The decision was made

long ago.

I shall just

do my best,

give you the benefit

of a doubt.

Prevent it

from being

another self-fulfilling

prophesy.

I won't be guilty

of that.

I will still try

to win your heart.

If my love

is not enough,

let me be proven

yet again.

As long as I'm alive,

I'd keep trying.

Even if

it's a fool's card,

that I draw.

Let it be me,

to suffer the

losses,

I'm used to that.

1055 hrs March 15th 2005

The last nail

been hammered

into the coffin

of my love life.

It has been dead

for a long time,

I merely refused to see it.

Until I got ushered

to a VIP seat

at the funeral wake.

Its funny

when you lie to yourself

often enough

you start believing

your own lies.

Funnier still,

sometimes you do not weep

at death,

but only when you actually

bury the dead.

Enough of this Stockholm Syndrome.

This victim is breaking loose

and running free.

Like I said

months ago,

the happiest times

are when

we never really needed

to try.

Boy, did we try

2300 hrs March 12th 2005

One of the rare weekends

I spend in Singapore.

Got up with personal errands,

fixed the car centrol locking,

and did housework.

Which reminded me of an article

in Today paper I read

a certain tabloid journalist

called Ms Teo,

wrote at length about

how domestic responsibilities

(read household chores and child caring)

still falls primary on women,

in Singapore.

She went on to reveal

that this has kept her from

considering motherhood.

In a biting comment,

"If you are expecting men

to shoulder more than they are

traditionally conditioned to,

GET REAL"

I really don't know about Ms Teo

or her husband.

I do know that I do virtually ALL

the housework at home.

I simply deplore messiness,

so I do ALL the cleaning,

moping, picking up, household repairs.

I get an incredible sense

of satisfaction,

when I do housework.

Because accomplisment is immediate

and visibly tangible.

Besides, I get an incredible hardon,

when Ms X breaks into a smile,

when she comes home from flight,

and the house is all made up,

like a hotel room.

Ms X does laundry of

the delicates.

I get my balls chopped off

if I damage her clothes.

Mum does the ironing.

The only woman I know that cooks better

or does housework better

than me,

is Mum.

So what the hell is Ms Teo

ranting about?

Worse, she made it seem,

like its a Singaporean men

problem.

Why the hell didn't she marry

another race?

All Singaporean men I know

are typically so nice and accomodating

to their westernised wives,

they would compromise.

In fact, any man who truly loves

his wife,

would compromise

on something

as trivial

as housework.

So instead of blaming

the Singaporean man or husband,

for her refusal to be a mother,

she should take responsibility,

that she fucked up

as a woman

and a wife.

Either she made the wrong choice

of man to be her husband,

or she is so unlovable

as a wife,

that the husband

would not even consider

helping out at home.

If she could write about

her marital problems

in a national newspaper,

I'm sure she must have

communicated it to her husband

more than once.

Obviously, he doesn't give

a fuck

about how she feels.

From the evidence of things,

I don't really blame him.

1230 hrs March 7th 2005

Everyone lies

that's the truth.

Some lie about big things

Some lie about small things

Some lie to protect others

Some lie to protect themselves

Some lie out of fear

Some lie out of love

Some lie to normalise

Some lie to destroy

Some even lie out of habit

Some even lie as a hobby

It is hard to tell the truth,

it is even harder

to hear the truth.

Why hurt you more

than you already are?

But darling,

withholding the truth,

is a lie

by itself.

1050 hrs March 7th 2005

I find it amusing,

when I ask anyone,

would they wear a stranger's underwear?

The answer is always

an emphatic NO.

Eeee, its so dirty....

But yet, they would not mind

exchanging bodily fluids

with a total stranger.

Don't you find yourself

filthy after that???

1735 hrs March 4th 2005

Don't ask me why I did it,

what was going through my mind,

when I posted all those soppy poems,

written for each of the women in my life.

Notice

I deeply loved each one of them.

No more

No less.

Which tells me something.

Cut the bullshit

that you will only love

that one person

in the whole world

with your whole life.

Everyone

is highly dispensable

and

totally replaceable.

1720 hrs March 4th 2005

I wrote this one

before my divorce

it was from a collection of poems

I wrote as a Christmas present

for me wife, then.

If I were to die today

================

If I were to die today,

may I go,

by letting you know

that you filled my soul,

with contentment

that I lived,

to see your smile.

that I perservered

to hear your laughter.

that I persisted

to desire your embrace.

that I endured

to crave your kiss.

If I were to die today,

may I go,

by letting you know

You filled

my days, with sunshine

my nights, with stars

my hopes, with dreams

my aspirations, with rainbows

If I were to die today,

may I go,

by letting you know

I love you

beyond the Infinity of Time.

And I thank you,

for making my life

complete

Roland Koh

20 December 1999

1420 hrs March 4th 2005

I wrote this 2 years ago,

for Ms X,

funny how little

things have changed.

Losing the Light

============

Like the lazy rousing sun

on a Saturday morning,

she slips quietly

into that empty void

in my Life

filling up with Sunshine.

Without saying much

in her usual uncertain careful style.

She has this way about her.

I don't quite know what it is

But with those gorgeous brown eyes

and half smile,

she marks her entry and presence

in my Life.

We talked for hours each time,

with her head on my chest.

Large, everything about her

and yet so small.

As I feel the smallness of her breathe,

the gentle waft of her scent.

Thoughtful and kind,

yet the waves of her emotions

so volatile.

So clear, yet so fuzzy.

Serendipity in gentle compassionate tides.

Suddenly a quick display of annoyance

and temper.

And then it dissipates

into that small laughter.

All cool and mellow,

again.

Contradition, all of her.

Like the divine softness of her breasts.

So firm, yet so soft.

The creamy whiteness fills up, large.

Copiously sweet, smooth.

Like the mellowness of fine wine.

Young, and yet a certain

aged relaxedness.

Deliberate, yet cerebrally quick.

Unpretentious and comfortable,

Yet, so insecure

of her breezy prettiness.

Sometimes I wonder,

if I imagined all this.

Sometimes I wonder,

if this was all just a dream.

A cruel fantasy again.

Sometimes I wish I never had a mind

and heart.

Sometimes, I wish the word sometimes

was never invented.

Will I ever win this battle?

The battle to win her heart.

My life has been a constant battle

between sunshine,

and the dark cast

of shadows.

The perennial struggle

between light and dark.

As soon as sunshine

and happiness

lands on my skin,

the darkness is already poised

in the large span of its wings,

ready to sweep up

any remnant crumbles

of love and joy.

I look at the prison

of my Life.

The all too familiar scene.

If only she is here now,

to hold me,

feel a little bit

of the depth

of my solitude

the burning of my

deepest fears

the torment

of losing the Light.

Roland Koh

14 April 2003

1700 hrs March 2nd 2005

I wrote this one night

at Casuarina

thinking about that Korean.

I still miss her actually.

Tonight

======

On a night like this

when clouds were few, and stars shimmered

the night wind pulled her to me

I kissed her again, lightly tenderly

held her tight

and would never let go

under the immense skies

On a night like this

when clouds were few, and stars shimmered

my arms were empty

my sould cried its despair

for my love could not keep her

love is short

but memories go on

forever

On a night like this

when clouds were few, and stars shimmered

I write

as Mozart softly purrs

Memories haunt

like an ancient curse

under the immense skies

made more immense

without her

Roland Koh

18 June 2002

1155 hrs March 2nd 2005

I wrote this one

after my divorce,

one night when the fuse was blown

at Casuarina,

and the whole house was lit

by a single candle.

Shadows and Light

==============

Light from the Single Candle

the Shadow dances

on the Empty Hall

What was once a Home

now a Hollow House

paintings on Faceless Walls

Reflections as the Single Candle flickers

as Darkness pervades the Void

The Soul reaches out to the Heart

in futile search

as Fulfillment is not found

in Love unrequited and Duty uncompleted

The Hiding Place it now seeks

Perhaps Happiness can be moulded

where Compassion cannot be equated

Is this its Calling?

Or another Port of Call

The Single Light flickers

as the Shadows dances

Darkness is relentless

Peace is found

where Silence resides

in Sleep's dark and silent pride

Roland Koh

8 April 2001

1045 hrs March 1st 2005

Yesterday

was my wedding anniversary.

12 years ago,

I married The Alimony.

Made me think about

a story on Queen Cleopatra of Egypt.

She would take a young male slave

have him tied up naked

then have a nubile female slave

give that poor guy a blowjob

and then,

her chefs

would castrate him

and barbeque his dick

over charcoal,

for the palate

of the Queen!!!

Just why wouldn't

that sick bitch

just eat

a pork sausage???!!!

or bite an apple???

The answer my friend,

is Power.

She gets turned on

with the Power

to snip off

a hard on dick

and eat it barbequed

for supper.

Not that a human dick

will be a wholesome meal,

for that she ruined

the life

of that young male.

The blowjob part

of having an erected dick

castrated

at its full glory

is really symbolic.

We're all genetically

programmed

biologically hardwired

to crave power.

That little girlfriend,

or lovely wife

you have

in that comfortable

cushy love relationship

will be Queen Cleopatra

given a chance

just as

you would live

the hedonistic life

of Emperor Nero

given a chance.

In reality,

that love

is an illusion.

If you think

you hold the reins

of Power

in your relationship,

flirt a little here

fuck a little there,

come home nice and loving

to your woman,

think again.

She will do the same.

The dark recesses

in the abyss

of the female psyche

is vile and rancid.

She will make you suffer

simple because

she can.

Real love is

ALWAYS

suffering

1635 hrs February 25th 2005

I'm beginning to see

why they say,

No man is an island.

Somehow

built into all of us,

is a need

to put our trust

and faith

in someone else.

If all trust is gone,

a man has to

go through Life,

trusting only himself

and no one else.

That seems

like being trapped

in the worst

prison cell

of them all.

1310 hrs February 24th 2005

I didn't say,

you treated me unkind.

You could have done better

but I don't mind.

You just kinda wasted

my precious time.

But don't think twice

its ALRIGHT.

1310 hrs February 18th 2005

I have this strange affinity

to Batam.

The Dreamers

and

The Losers.

The down and out,

who have to make it here

because

they could not make it

anywhere else.

Living in Batam,

at the edge of the glitz

of Singapore

city life,

The Underdog peers stealthily

like a voyeur

as rich Ah Beng

takes his Kampung Sweetheart

and screws her

for $40 a weekend.

He could only salivate

at the seafood

Ahmad and Bhai

gorge themselves,

saying so cheap, so cheap.

He dreams

of making it there

somehow,

someday.

In the meantime,

the downtrodden,

the ojek bums,

the taxi hustlers,

the happy hookers,

live Life

at the edge of the City,

or at the edge

of Life itself.

Yet,

beneath the city,

in the squalor

of a squatter's existence,

two hearts beat,

love is found,

love is lost.

As the wretched stench

of poor sanitation pervades

malaria ridden mosquitoes,

irregular filthy water

and electric supply.

Yet the roar of diesel engines

go on

through the night,

to the insistent beat

of danduk techno disco,

heads sway to the throb

of home made ecstacy drugs,

the island of dreamers

and losers,

roll on

to yank of

the One Eyed Bandit.

1300 hrs February 18th 2005

It's February 18th.

I'm such a sucker for milestone dates.

Exactly two years ago,

I met Ms X.

I remembered

what I was thinking,

tall curvy

sweet little smile

I could drown

in the brown of

her eyes.

Always a little

uncertain

unconfident.

Yet a dash of

feminine elegance

and Indonesian

hospitable charm.

We've come a long way baby,

where do we go

from here?

1030 hrs February 14th 2005

So its St Valentine's Day.

Who the hell invented that?

Set aside one day in a year

for your loved one?

Just one fucking day?

Heck, everyday should be

Valentine's Day!!!

When we decide to love someone,

hey, love is a conscious choice!

Cut that fall hopelessly in love bullshit!!!

Thats for teenagers!!!

As much as we choose our partners,

our partners chose us too!

So when we decide to love,

we have to decide that

our words

and

actions,

should reflect

that love.

Everything we say

or do,

should be driven

by that love

which is above

all priorities.

The marital vow is all wrong!!!

For better or worse

In sickness and in health

For richer or poorer,

until death

do us part.....

Sounds like a fucking chore!!!

How about

we promise to court each other,

do nice things for each other,

say nice things to each other,

love and desire each other,

revolve our lives around each other,

never ever cause harm

or hurt,

because when she cries,

I cry too.

When she laughs,

living becomes worthwhile,

Every single day,

until death do us part?

Throw away the marital vow,

they should adopt Uncle Psycho's

Principle of Concerted Concurrence (POCC)

for relationships

and marriages.

That two people

should only do and say things

that each other will

heartily approve

because

henceforth

all our words and deeds

are made of

love.

1050 hrs February 8th 2005

Abuse

Verbal abuse

Physical abuse

Mental abuse

Emotional abuse

Spiritual abuse

You used it all.

But I just can't break free,

fuck Stockholm's Syndrome.

fuck the psychiatrist's theories.

I'd gladly trade in

all my tomorrows,

for a single

yesterday.

I need you

I want you

I love you.

I really can't make it

by myself.

I love you so.

1700 hrs February 4th 2005

Fuck it.

I can

critisize

analyse

theorize

hypothesize

all I want.

Does not change the fact

it hurts like fuck.

Wish you plunged

a dagger

into my heart

instead.

1130 hrs February 4th 2005

You have your own needs and wants,

I have mine.

It seems an abyss

too immeasurably deep

and far apart

to bridge.

Sometimes, we're like two ships

passing in the night

you go your way

I go mine.

I know, sometimes

when I'm so wrapped up

in my pursuit

of monetary success,

I forgot

about being

your man,

made you feel

alone

and

abandoned.

I'm sorry

but I was merely

building

a financial nest

for our future.

Its like as

I was pursuing

our dreams,

I forgot

what I was dreaming

about.

Thus a void

was created

in your heart

which someone else

could fill

albeit

temporarily.

1530 hrs February 2nd 2005

Say no more,

I can only judge you

by your actions.

Just what is infidelity?

Bill Clinton

was judged NOT to be unfaithful

because he did not have

penetrative sex.

He merely inserted a cigar

into Monica Lewinsky.

So what is infidelity?

Must it be sexual intercourse?

Or just any sexual contact.

Would a deep kiss

or a tit fondle count?

How about a

finger fuck?

How about talking dirty

on the internet?

I would say

if there is any form

of sexual arousal involved

with another person.

What if there

was no physical contact?

What if there was merely

some form of

emotional attraction?

Sounds worse,

love gets involved.

What if you go out

with someone,

knowingly that he is

attracted to you,

or have ulterior motives?

i.e. physical attraction.

And you do it anyway,

to flatter your own ego.

This is going in circles.

In the final analysis,

at the danger of oversimplification,

I conclude that

infidelity is

the intentional hurt

of your partner's feelings,

by involving another person

in any form

of contact.

Period

1600 hrs February 1st 2005

I really don't know

how to say this.

But I cannot take it

anymore.

I loved you

more than Life.

But the pain

you caused

is unbearable.

Everytime

I'm in bed with you,

I see another man.

I can't help feeling,

that the sanctity

of our relationship

have been forever

defiled

by your lack

of consideration

for my feelings.

I will still exercise

emotional discipline

and

mental control.

I will still endeavour

to show you

my love.

But,

to be honest,

I'm quickly reaching

the conclusion,

our individual happiness

lies elsewhere.

Love

is supposed

to feel good.

I feel like

I'm a dying patient

in ICU

0300 hrs January 23rd 2005

I have a new hero,

young Mr J.

His girlfriend caused him grievous hurt.

Instead of bitching in pain,

he asked,

What could I have done more,

in the relationship.

What a man.

Afterall,

a 3rd party is merely a symptom

of a sick relationship,

never never

the cause.

He took it like a man,

decided to forgive.

More admirably,

he suffered

in silence.

I know

betrayal of trust,

comes back and bite you

in the ass,

every now and then.

But he never mentioned

about the episode again.

That guy has

more balls

than a bowling alley.

Heck,

they ought to tear down

the Merlion

and put up a statue

of Mr J

at Sentosa.

Forgiveness

is divine.

As for the girlfriend,

I suppose lesson is learnt

and learnt well.

Learning a lesson

is the easy part.

It is applying the lesson learnt,

that most people

do not have another

chance.

1100 hrs January 11th 2004

Why do I

have to work so hard

to win your approval?

Why do I

have to look nervously

behind my shoulder

to see who else is pursuing you?

Why do I

have to tolerate

you encouraging other guys

to pursue you?

I know

I am well ahead

of the rest

of the pack,

but

I don't want

to be

another one of

your running dogs.

I'm tired,

dead fucking tired.

I just want

to rest in the arms

of a woman

who really treasures me.

1400 hrs January 6th 2005

I think I've quite decided.

If my relationship with Ms X

does not work

eventually.

I'd give up citizenship,

in this stupid country,

go to Batam,

be an Indonesian.

With my CPF savings,

I'd open an orphanage

in Batam.

There are thousands,

of silly teenage girls,

who got themselves pregnant.

I'd take over the kids,

raise them up,

educate them,

impart a sense

of moral values.

If the mothers chooses,

they can work

in the orphanage too,

afterall they're usually

disowned by their families,

and evicted from their villages.

Who the hell needs a woman,

to start a family?

1030 hrs January 5th 2005

I was watching a kid

playing Tamagotchi.

Tiny egg shaped electronic device,

where he has an electronic pet,

he has to feed and attend to

with tender loving care.

Otherwise,

that electronic pet

will die.

Strikes me as weird,

that a kid

can spend all his time,

tending to his electronic pet,

ensuring its health,

and getting jackshit

in return,

other than

a perverted sense

of satisfaction,

that he kept

his tamagotchi alive.

Sounds quite a lot

like

my relationship

with women.

1130 hrs January 3rd 2005

A bit on the economics

of things.

Interesting year,

going forward.

Its like playing musical chairs,

continue playing the game,

waiting for the music to stop,

but don't be the last one

looking for the chair.

We all know,

the US twin deficits

of current account

and trade account

will blow up

at some point.

Nobody can continue

deficit spending

indefinitely.

The world continues

to finance the US excesses

as long as they remain

the world's only superpower.

India is grossly overrated,

they are simply not

China.

You cannot have a manufacturing base,

when your trucks travel

at 12 kmph

sharing your highways

with cows

and bullock carts.

You cannot have a service industry,

call yourself an internet incubator,

when your phones don't even work.

Plus, the Indians

are probably the most

disliked race

in the world.

Simply no sense

of honour,

in general.

Indonesia,

right country

wrong people.

No bloody sense

of work ethic.

Everybody is

on the take.

It is however mine

to exploit.

Singapore,

great past

no bloody future.

The million dollared ministers

have no clue

how to push this economy

forward

with its own momentum.

We are merely dragged along

by other economies.

Bottom line is

I am however positive

for the markets,

liquidity will continue

to drive.

No guarantees,

that I can make money.

Except one guarantee,

I will not make money,

if I don't risk it.

1115 hrs January 3rd 2005

Another year over,

a new one just begun.

I dunno why,

but I am such a sucker

for such milestones,

unlike Ms X and Mr D.

As I take stock of the old year,

I put new aspirations into the new year.

Chiefly,

to unclutter and prioritise

the biggest issues

in my Life.

Number 1 priority,

is still Ms X.

I want to continue my crusade,

making her feel

like the luckiest girl

in the world.

Continue to look

at the bigger picture.

Continue to work

towards relationship success.

God knows I cannot

afford another relationship failure.

True, the reality is I was happiest

when I never needed to try.

But the reality is

I have to try

damned hard

to make it work.

Even if it doesn't work,

it must not be

for the lack

of trying.

Number 2 priority,

is Mr D and PT Roda Makmur.

That is where my financial future is.

I have to continue to work

towards making this a success,

even if it takes a hell lot

of self-sacrifice.

Again concentrate on

the bigger picture.

Number 3 priority,

is being a good employee

of ICAP Financial Products.

As much as I hate this job,

it is paying for PT Roda Makmur.

I cannot bite

the hand that feeds me.

I have to ensure

equity derivatives work well

and blaze new markets

for them.

It is my job

afterall.

And a job worth doing,

is always worth doing

bloody well.

Number 4 priority,

is my family.

I have to recognise

that I cannot change

deeply ingrained resentments

in family fights.

Solve what I can,

ignore what I cannot.

Understand each family member,

and how they feel,

but stick to my principles,

on what is right.

Number 5 priority,

is myself.

I must continue to develop,

as a person.

Be good

be nice.

Be smart

and analyse.

The importance

of being earnest

and focussed.

The beauty

of being goal

orientated.

God grant me peace

and strength

this 2005

1542 hrs December 23th 2004

2 days before Christmas,

my 40th Christmas.

Another Christmas.

40 years

of misspent energies.

40 years

of love found

and love lost.

40 years

of money earned

and money burnt.

I won't even bother

to count

the different women

I spent Christmas with,

useless memories.

Now, all I want

is to plan my exit,

40 years later.

When I finally check out

of this world.

With a smile,

and a smartass punch line,

and sticking my middle finger up.

Up yours Life,

Up yours World,

Up yours People,

Up yours Mr God.

I came in crying,

I'll go out laughing.

1140 hrs December 16th 2004

It doesn't rain,

it pours.

Money doesn't just talk,

it shouts.

It cannot be coincidental,

that life exists only in 2 states.

Either EVERYTHING is in a state

of tranquil peace

or

EVERYTHING is in a state

of tempestuous turmoil.

EVERYTHING,

just EVERYTHING

or NOTHING.

I begin to understand

my Dad

a little better

everyday.

Like I said last week,

I begin to live his life

everyday.

And the things he said

and done,

became clearer

everyday.

In the twilight

of that man's life,

as he recollects

the bitterness

of failure,

in money, love and family.

Can I take it against him,

he reacted as bad

as the way he did?

A broken life

makes a man

vehemently resentful.

Like a festering wound,

that wouldn't heal.

No band aid plaster,

will make it prettier,

in the long run.

The gangrened wound

would reek

of vile stench.

Likewise,

no amount of rationale,

moral value,

love and consideration,

can possibly overcome

a bitter and resentful heart

at the end

of a broken life.

2330 hrs Decemberr 8th 2004

Its weird

how blood runs thicker

than water.

For years now,

I waged a cold war,

with my Dad.

Did not wanna talk to him

Did not wanna see him.

My stubborn

and childish

resilence

crumbled,

when he went missing.

I could not sleep well,

spent hours

theoririzing

hypothesizing

analyzing.

Women come and go,

friends come and go.

But Dad,

I'm stuck with just one.

A fact that I cannot change.

I did not choose him.

His blood runs through mine.

I suffered

because I hated his version

of Fatherhood.

I suffered

because I hated his idea

of Marriage.

But just who the fuck

gave me the right

to judge?

We are all shaped

by our collective life experiences,

Dad is a mere manifestation

of his life experiences.

He loved his family,

the only way he knew how,

by dedicating his entire life,

to providing for us.

What I can give him

he does not want,

what he can give me

I do not want

either.

Just when are we

going to stop

pulling each other apart?

Reconcilation

have to begin somewhere,

it might as well

be me.

I felt peace

thereafter,

because I no longer held

bad blood

with my own.

2000 hrs December 8th 2004

Daddy,

Just what was I supposed to do?

I don't know why

its so hard

to talk to you.

We could never see

eye to eye.

I wanted you

out of my life,

but yet,

always felt

that I could have done

a whole lot better.

I wished

we could turn

the pages back

to 40 years ago.

I never could

understand you.

I wished you realised

you hurt me too.

Do you know

my biggest dream,

is to have a beer

with you?

I always felt

you were selfish,

inconsiderate,

vindictive

and vicious even.

But I never lived your life,

I do not deserve to judge.

Because the things you say

are so much clearer now,

as the older I become,

I start living your life,

everyday, day after day.

You're an old man now,

I'm middle aged.

So many cruel words

have been spoken,

so many unkind deeds

have been done.

Is it too late,

to be your son?

You're a good guy Dad,

just fucked up

by Life.

Sorry it took me so long

to figure that out.

I was blinded

by my bitterness

consumed

by my resentment.

Can we have a beer together

sometime?

Just you and me,

because Daddy,

I need some help here,

and you've seen

it all.

Deep down,

I've never dared to admit,

you've always been

my hero

since I was a kid

1700 hrs November 10th 2004

Just what was I thinking of,

when I wrote the previous posting,

written during lunch time?

Guess I was thinking of

my ex-wife again.

How did I lose that one.

When I looked back,

I did not talk to her

very much.

I was much happier,

doing my work

and

found the company

of a book

more interesting

than my wife.

Poor girl,

it must have been so lonely

being married to me.

Yeah, I bought her expensive gifts,

afforded her a dream beachhouse,

expensive holidays,

branded clothes and jewellery,

tried to provide her love,

and support.

But,

I never felt the need,

to listen to her,

or anybody.

I was so caught up

in my own

career success

and my cold logic

in every situation,

never felt the need

to listen.

She felt like an accessory,

in my life,

a non-entity

in my house,

a silent partner

in my marriage.

Guess I can only blame myself,

for being so cocksure

of myself,

that I invalidated

her entire being.

With a gapping emotional void,

it is only natural,

that she ended up

in the arms

of another man.

Maybe its too late,

to say I'm sorry.

But I do wished,

she helped me change,

for the better.

1300 hrs November 10th 2004

We all have our needs,

and no one person

can fulfill everyone of them,

absolutely

no one.

If I try to substantiate them,

it would broadly be,

Emotional Needs,

Intellectual Needs,

Spiritual Needs,

Physical Needs,

Material Needs.

Try as I may,

I will never be able to fulfill

all of my partner's needs,

and vise versa.

To make matters worse,

people's needs

change through time,

contantly.

Infidelity is never

a solution.

Because affairs or flings

are short term in nature,

and they leave behind

unspeakable pain

and

irreparable damage.

I will never ever

cause this pain,

or be the cause

of this pain.

I know very well

how unbearable

it hurts.

So either,

we teach our partners

to fulfill at least part

of the void,

or we learn,

to settle

for a bit less.

So long as,

on balance,

we're generally happy.

Not necessarily

ecstatic bliss,

just happy.

Because I feel wary

when I get ravished

by delirious happiness,

only pigs in shit do that.

1530 hrs November 6th 2004

So Bush had won the US elections,

much to the dismay

of a larger part

of the world.

The best reason to vote Kerry,

is

he is not Bush.

Why do we hate Americans so much?

We do not hate Americans,

we hate your governmental foreign policy.

And unfortunately,

people are a direct product,

of the System.

We did not have a problem,

with Bill Clinton.

He is a regular cool dude,

fun loving even.

With Bush,

it is more like,

Fuck you,

fuck your family

and your dog too.

You don't like me?

Bang, one bullet in your fucking head.

Now who else do not like me?

America was born

as a country of lofty ideals.

It grew big and strong,

on pursuing the right thing

to do.

It has unfortunately mutated,

into one big self-centred,

self-serving,

egocentric

sonofabitch.

And Bush represents

all that we hate

in America,

he actually

perpeptuates that.

And now that he has

a ringing endorsement

of the people,

you can extrapolate

why we hate America.

We do not hate America,

because you are rich.

Heck, there is Japan,

Switzerland and Germany

to hate

for being rich.

We do not hate America,

for your freedom,

Heck there are the Scandinavian countries,

of Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Finland,

or European countries like

Holland, Italy, Belgium,

who have far more freedom.

We hate America,

for your attitude.

Just that a small group,

take it to the extreme,

and decided,

to teach you a lesson,

from time to time.

1700 hrs November 2nd 2004

When I make an honest assessment of my Life,

there are few things of importance

right now that matters,

at the moment.

I have a well paying job,

with bosses who think of me

as indispensable,

and subordinates who think

highly of me,

I have a promising business venture,

with a partner who is trustworthy,

loyal and highly intelligent,

I have a gorgeous girlfriend,

who actually laughs

at my jokes,

and misses my nonsense,

whenever she is on flight.

I have a Mum,

who adores me

like I am still a kid.

I have expensive hobbies

that I could actually afford,

How many people actually have

a boat and a sportscar?

Whilst I won't take back my statement

that God really hates the world,

He indeed does.

But I reckon He loves me,

and only me alone.

0900 hrs November 1st 2004

The idea of the Original Sin,

was initiated by St Paul.

I'd like to think of Homosexuality

as a sin one is born with,

where one goes against

his own creation,

and therefore by default,

his Creator.

Makes me wonder,

if St Paul is really

a gay.

The other Original Sin,

is probably Stupidity,

which is far more

all encompassing.

Stupidity breeds stupidity,

and it multiplies

like bacteria.

A couple of Days ago,

I wrote of what I wanted.

Perhaps it would be easier,

to write of what I do not want.

I hate Transactional Worship,

Christians scrounging God for blessings,

in exchange for worship.

The Church is the biggest

commercial enterprise

in the World.

I hate Immoral Commerce,

businessmen who conducts

business for money

at all costs,

including human ones.

I hate Unprincipled Politics,

politicians who would

kill even,

to remain in power.

I hate Guiltless Pleasure,

pleasure seekers who pursue

gratification,

without remorse

or sensitivity.

And,

in being with

rich old man's daughter

Ms X,

and constantly

having my personality measured

in dollars and cents,

I hate Easy Money.

2300 hrs October 31st 2004

Don't you find it strange,

how Christians in particular,

wallow in victimhood?

It's like every adversity in Life,

is the Devil's persecution,

of God's people.

And they retreat

into this Godly sanctuary

called the Church

or House of God,

and exchange sad stories

of how they have been victimised

for their faith,

and how the Devil

is putting them into a severe test

of their faith.

I think it would be too easy

for the Devil.

None of these Christians

would have stood a chance.

Been watching the Halocaust

with Ms X.

Makes me thing that Hitler's

murder of 6 million Jews,

is clearly not enough.

All throughout the Bible,

were documented events

of how the Jews

slaughtered and exterminated

non-Jews or Gentiles

as we are called.

One genocide deserves

another.

Up till today,

Jewish atrocities

in Palestine and

West Bank,

go as justification,

for the Halocaust.

For people whose God,

drove humankind

out of Heaven,

because Eve succumbed

to the temptation of eating

from the Tree of Knowledge,

we're all paying

for the sins

of that bitch's

quest for knowledge.

Christians call that

God of Love.

Some love.

1220 hrs October 27th 2004

Strange,

3 weeks into my 40th year.

I feel mildly mellow,

kinda anti-climatic.

Begin to think quite alot

about Life.

A Purposeful Life,

is precisely that,

living with a purpose.

Might as well write mine

for the record.

You got to know where you're going,

otherwise you won't know

how to get there,

you might not even know

when you got there.

I aim to touch the lives

of everyone

around me,

with my life.

As I walk my Life's path,

I want to light up candles

along the way.

To do that,

in today's world,

I need money.

Lots of money.

So I'll work hard

at helping others

help themselves.

If I give a hungry man a fish,

he will have one meal.

But if I give a hungry man a fish,

and a net,

he won't be hungry again.

Therein lies my challenge,

to create as many nets

as possible.

So off I go,

there is much to do.

1130 hrs October 21th 2004

What do I want in a woman?

OK, here's some of my wish list,

that I sure as hell ain't gonna get,

not in today's English speaking world

anyway.

Loyalty,

I value loyalty

above everything else.

I'd like a woman

who will stand by me,

through thick and thin,

better or worse.

I'd want someone to

defend my name

even with family members.

She'd be ready

to go to war

with me,

and take on

any obstacle

that Life presents.

Moral support,

I need that from a woman.

Someone who pushes me

to the limits

of my potential

in her own gentle way,

I don't mean

a nagger.

Encourage me,

without breaking

my spirit

or putting me down.

Inspiration,

I want to turn to my woman

for inspiration.

Someone who makes me think

at a deeper level

and makes me

want to be

a better man.

Sacrifice,

I want a woman

who will sacrifice

things that matter to her

because

I matter more.

Tender loving care,

no man can function

without that.

Sometimes,

Life can suck

real bad.

Rough day at work,

business is bleak,

investments turn sour.

Nothing beats

the tender touch

of a loving woman,

I would feel

recharged,

energised again.

Because

I become purposeful

again.

I've stopped doing things

for myself

a long time ago,

I'm doing it

for her.

1300 hrs October 18th 2004

Spent the weekend

in Batam again.

This time a real

eye-opening experience.

Met a frightfully smart

3 year old Sundanese girl.

She is everything I want

in a daughter.

Doting,

pampering,

mollycoddling,

affectionate.

I just had to indulge,

bought her a teddy bear

and a rag doll.

Breaks my heart

to think,

her probable future

is either

a domestic maid,

or a prostitute.

Even more shocking,

when I sent her home.

Parent's live in a plywood hut,

with no furniture,

just a floor space,

no bigger

than my storeroom.

They cook there,

they eat there,

they shit there,

they sleep there,

they fuck there.

Right next to

a construction yard.

Anytime now,

their home will be

razed down,

to build a new building.

And the family,

will have to find

a new plot of land,

and start over.

Such is a squatter's existence.

It makes me want,

to make a difference,

in the lives,

of such people.

It makes me want,

to aim for a higher purpose,

in my business venture.

Perhaps commercial considerations

is the chief overriding factor,

but I would want

my company

to have social responsibilities

as well.

I would provide for my employees,

employment that pays reasonably well,

accomodation with modern amenities,

food that nourishes health,

education to secure a future

for their children,

a benign boss

that provides

a decent communal life,

within company premises,

such that the well being

of the company

is in everyone's

interests.

I feel energised,

just visualising it.

0200 hrs October 15th 2004

I can't sleep

Everything seems to be

in a state of flux.

The flame on my lighter

may appear as a constant fire,

but it is not,

but a stream of burning gas.

I am not

what I was

10 years ago,

and will certainly not

be what I am,

10 years from now.

I am probably a master

in dealing with changes,

such is my professional training

over 18 years.

Why am I paralysed

with inertia,

in matters

of the heart?

The harder I try,

the worse it gets.

My happiest times

were

when I never really needed

to try.

I am not what she wants,

therein lies the seed of

her constant angst.

That is a oft repeated

and documented

statement.

Just that

in the absence

of better alternatives,

the path of least resistance

is mostly

status quo.

Do I want

to be the lesser option?

Just who is bullshitting who?

But I never liked

to play God

in such matters,

its a matter of

personal integrity,

I won't cause hurt,

even if

my personal happiness

is at stake.

It is the kind of decision,

I can never make.

1630 hrs October 14th 2004

Got to know a new friend,

Ms E from the land down under.

Thought it would be apt

to welcome her to Singapore,

with a little bit of insight.

The Singapore government

has the right to arrest and detain anyone,

without trial,

a blantant disregard for

the Universal Law of Human Rights.

Singaporeans generally live in a climate

of political fear.

We have our own self-styled KGB

called ISD or

Internal Security Department.

Any public gathering of more than 5 persons

is outlawed,

which makes public protests

impossible.

Our media, TV, radio and newspapers

are government owned.

We are ranked 144th in press freedom,

just 22 notches above

North Korea.

General elections here

are under the direct control,

of the Prime Minister,

no independent election commissions,

like Zimbabwe.

We also have the dubious honour

of having the highest executions rate

in the world.

The government files defamation suits

against its critics,

thereby bankrupting them.

The wealth of the country,

about $250 billion is

effectively in the hands

of one family.

There are no laws

that protect the privacy of

the individual.

The police admitted

they hacked into home computers,

in the name of IT security.

There is also a law against

political talk

via SMS

during election time.

The poorest 10% of the population earns

$61 a month,

the prime minister earns $154,000 a month.

The middle class

is doomed to hardship,

at retirement age,

his flat will consist 75%

of his networth,

as opposed to 20%

recommended by any financial planner.

We have the highest elderly suicide rate

in the world,

in a society with no compassion,

the young do not have the means

to take care of the elderly.

Minister Mentor reaffirmed NO

to suggestions of using the country's reserves

to subsidise elderly health care.

He probably thinks,

the country's savings

is his

and his alone.

16,000 households

could not afford utility bills.

2000 houseeholds

could not afford children education.

We averaged 400 suicides a year,

thats about one

daily.

We expect

the highest economic growth rate

in Asia this year,

overtaking even China,

but unemployment

hovers around around 4.5%.

Since I mentioned North Korea and Zimbabwe,

thought it would be noteworthy,

that Kim Jong Il does his banking,

and Robert Mugabe does his shopping

in Singapore.

Dictators sure flock together

0940 hrs October 4th 2004

Well,

I've finally turned 40

yesterday.

Took me a long time

to get here.

View ain't pretty,

looks like a long downhill

from here.

But I ain't

going down that hill.

I'm taking another route.

Can't see very far,

but looks like mountains ahead

to climb,

and fall.

But by nature,

I am both an adventurer

and risk taker.

Why bother taking the known route,

when it's going down?

Let's take the unknown route,

it may well take me,

to higher heights.

Turning 40 seems significant,

Moses led the Isrealites out of Egypt,

and they wandered in the wilderness,

for 40 years,

before they reached,

the Promised Land.

Anyone can tell you,

it takes less than a month,

to walk from Egypt to Isreal.

Looks to me that they wandered

around the Promised Land,

for 40 years,

without knowing,

they're already in the

Promised Land.

Henceforth, my question,

what if the Life we are leading,

is already Heaven,

but we just didn't know it?

It's all a matter of perception.

Perception is afterall,

your immediate

Reality.

Like the thrillseeker,

on a rollercoaster ride.

He enjoys the highs,

as much as the lows.

He reaches back to the same spot,

shaken

but not stirred.

So there I go again,

into my rollercoaster ride.

Not knowing what to expect,

but going to enjoy it,

nonetheless.

With a full time job,

and a side line business

to run.

With my parents to support,

and Ms X to protect and provide,

and a set of value systems to guide.

That my words and actions,

are observed and recorded,

and one day I would

be held accountable,

as I lay down

the straight and

undeviating

line of conduct,

as I pursue

the 2nd chapter

in my Life.

Life in its 2nd edition,

revised

and improved.

0130 hrs September 27th 2004

Just got back from Bangkok,

always felt a strange sense of homecoming,

whenever I go there.

Something sure is brewing,

in the equity derivatives market,

and I hope to be placed

to capture it,

when it comes.

Maybe, finally an expat posting

in Bangkok,

is on the cards.

It is always nice,

to have options in Life.

Mine has been

a rollercoaster ride.

It is my choice,

whether I want too view myself

as a victim in Life,

or

a thrillseeker

on a rollercoaster ride,

enjoying BOTH

the highs

and

the lows.

In retrospect,

NOTHING

and

NOBODY

ever belonged to me.

Nothing is permanent,

said Buddha,

especially Love,

if I may add.

So when Love comes knocking,

I will savour each moment,

like I will die tomorrow,

because it's sure as hell,

ain't permanent,

because Love,

sure makes Life's lows

all seem

worthwhile.

2200 hrs September 21st 2004

So its coming to the end

of ex-wife's birthday.

I've celebrated it,

with booze and smokes,

plus some pointless reminicsing.

Perhaps we'd talk a little bit

about love tonight.

Loving a woman,

got to be an act

of Total Surrender.

Of Complete

Unconditional and

Irrevocable Acceptance.

Like the Billy Joel song,

I'd take the good times,

I'd take the bad times,

I'd take you

Just the way you are.

We miss the point,

when we shed tears,

and say,

I'm suffering

for a love that is not

worth it.

Worth what?

We suffer because

we feel,

that we give

more than we receive.

We suffer because

we think,

that our love is going

unappreciated.

We suffer because

we are unable,

to determine

the eventual outcome

of our love.

We suffer because,

we realise

that our love is

not enough.

But therein lies

the seed

of spiritual growth.

Because love is not

about give and take.

Giving and taking

is a commercial transaction

of mutual exploitation.

Love is

Give and Give.

When you find joy

in giving,

and not expecting anything

in return.

It is madness,

but an insanity

I truly enjoy.

Because when I love,

I've conquered myself,

I've conquered my selfishness,

I've conquered my selfcentric demands,

I've conquered my innermost fears.

When I've conquered,

I shall fear no loss.

Because really,

there is no more

downside.